Part 11 - What I Really Need Is...

Within my dreams, I found the peace of mind that I longed for. No one judged me. I was me, and no one else. To not be surrounded by people that I could be compared to...

It was the only time where I could pick myself up, piece by piece, and fit them back together. But the night, can only last for so long...and some pieces are bound to be forgotten in the end.

How many pieces, though, need to be lost before I can no longer continue to be me?

As night turned to morning, I was still lying there on the floor of my apartment, and another part of who I am, had been forgotten. The events that took place, only a little while ago, were still fresh in my mind.

Part of me was glad that Toby hadn't been there to see me fall apart like that. Yet, the rest of me wished that he had, so that for once, someone could maybe have told me that everything would be fine.

"So much for me being able to help Toby..." I whispered as I sat up. "I can't even help myself..." Looking at the clock, I realized that it was already close to being one.

How long exactly had I been asleep?

Also, wasn't Toby usually greeting me with another idea on how to spend the day, by now?

It didn't matter. I still needed some time to collect myself together, so the time alone, wasn't that bad.

I had somewhat grown used to what had happened the night before. Seeing as this had been the fifth or so time that it had happened. So it wasn't anything entirely new.

Brushing my hair, I quietly left my apartment. I had spotted a very small patch of grass when Toby and I had went to go to the Citadel Factory Outlet, and I'd been wanting to visit it since.

Shading the grass, was a tall tree. I normally wasn't the type to get excited about nature, but I needed to do something that wasn't normal for me to do.

I had to sort out the things in my life that I was unsure of.

First, would it just be better for me to go home?

Sure, Toby might be a little sad at first, but he'd be fine. He would figure that we were both just strangers crossing paths...walking the same road for a short time, but only to go separate ways in the end.

Second, that I just drop my dream of being a YouTube Partner all together.

That would end all of my doubts, right?

I leaned up against the tree, and slowly sunk down to the earth. "Why is life so difficult? Why can't I live without this fear of failing...Is it that if I fall one more time, that I won't survive it?"

My mind went back to the past, and I revisited all of the pain that I'd had to endure...

Shutting my eyes, I forced myself to stop! Why should I think of something that would only cause more harm than good?

I needed something to lift my spirits, but before I could decide on what, I heard Toby's voice. "Brixta! There you are, gurl!"

Hiding any remaining sign that something was wrong, I waved at Toby, and called back to him, "Yeah, just needed some fresh air."

He laughed, and that brought a smile to my face. "Hey Toby, do you want to do something today? I need a break from games, but I don't feel like going out, so do you want to watch a DVD or something?"

"Yeah, have anything in mind?"

I smiled, I had figured out what I needed, "You up for some red versus red and blue versus blue?"