Disc Wars: Episode 5

a parodic screenplay by Beth Einspanier

Based on characters and locations created by Terry Pratchett, a general plotline, some technology, and the Jedi religion by George Lucas, and numerous references [blatant and obscure] by a lot of people, movie, and characters. See if you can find them all! All rights reserved.

Author's Notes: Okay, a few people didn't like my big long chapterless fics all getting posted at one go [at least, a few people commented as such]. So, I'm breaking this bad boy up into bite-sized pieces for easier digestion. Bon Appetit!

A Century of the Fruitbat production.

EXT - SPACE.

Title: Somewhere at the edge of the probability curve...

STAR WARS FANFARE, DISCO REMIX.

Title:

DISC

WARS

Title scroll:

EPISODE 5: THE B*TCH IS BACK

The scroll stops and backtracks to just before the first line. It continues:

EPISODE 5: VETINARI GETS ANNOYED

Stop. Backtrack. Continue:

EPISODE 5: WHERE HAVE ALL THE JEDI GONE?

The scroll freezes. Offscreen, there are sounds of fighting. Finally, the scroll backtracks and continues once again:

EPISODE 5: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

When we last left our heroes, it seemed that the shit had just hit the fan. After having foiled the plans of Darth Vetinari to find out where the Rebel Alliance is hiding, the beautiful Princess Angua has just received word that her family has been attacked and are in unknown condition in Uberwald. Among the recent additions to the Rebellion are a compulsive Jedi who is a coward the rest of the time, a smuggler and chronic bachelor, the smuggler's simian co-pilot, and a simple lad from a dwarf mine in the Ramtops. The odds of this ragged band succeeding against the Empire are a million to one against. But you know what they say about million-to-one chances...

PAN DOWN

to a panoramic view of the Disc, balanced on the shoulders of four massive elephants who in turn stand on the shell of Great A'Tuin, a sea turtle ten thousand miles long. The Rimfall is spectacular and shimmers with the eight colors of the Rimbow, as always, but that's not why we're here.

CARROT [v.o.]

Dear Mum and Dad... I hope this letter finds you okay because I do not know where I am. Captain Vimes says that this is important because we do not want the Empire to find out where all the Rebels are.

CAMERA zooms in rapidly on the Disc, towards a desert country Rimwards of the Circle Sea.

CARROT [v.o.] [contd.]

It has been only two days since I arrived in Ankh-Morpork and already I have met a great Jedi Master, attended a disco on a Star Destroyer, and rescued a beautiful princess from the bad guys.

CAMERA picks up speed as it careens downward towards a nondescript building that - by the way - has the Millennium Falcon parked outside.

CARROT [v.o.] [contd.]

I expect that Rincewind, who is the Jedi Master I told you about, will begin my training in earnest now that we are safe and away from danger. I have not seen him in quite some time however. Perhaps he is meditating.

Just as the camera is about to plunge into the ground--

SLAM CUT TO:

CARROT SKYWALKER

inside the Rebel bunker, writing a letter with an expression of great concentration. Presently he pauses to read over what he has written. On the parchment in front of him we can see the partially-completed letter [with slightly eccentric spelling and punctuation] as he thinks about what else to say. Then he refreshes his quill and continues:

CARROT [v.o.]

I will visit you as soon as I am able though this might not be until close to the end of Episode Six because there is a lot I will need to do. Your Dutiful Son, Carrot Skywalker.

He sticks the quill into the inkpot.



OUTSIDE,

something buried in a sand dune pokes an antenna through the sand. The dune hums electronically as whatever is buried underneath begins burrowing laterally through the sand, leaving a shallow furrow in its wake. The unseen digger bumps hard against the edge of the concrete landing pad and curses electronically.

INT - STAR DESTROYER

An Imperial technician with shoulder-length dark hair - probably not quite to Imperial standards - and wearing virtual reality gear reels and steadies the goggles on his head with his cybergloved hands. Another technician [who has shorter blond hair and looks like he is just on this side of majority] types at a keyboard; both techs are under the very watchful eye of DARTH VETINARI. He has decided to lose the happy-face button he wore in Episode 4, and currently doesn't apparently give a damn if anyone has a nice day or not.

DARTH VETINARI

This had better find them, Preston. [re: the tech in the gear] And *he* had better be more serious this time.

PRESTON [at keyboard]

He has been duly reprimanded, Sith-dude.

DARTH VETINARI

[deciding to ignore the "Sith-dude" moniker for now] I certainly hope so. Now, as for that module...

PRESTON

I totally assure you, in the future we'll only use it--

DARTH VETINARI

Not anymore. Hand it over.

PRESTON

[slightly taken aback] Dude, do you know how totally impossible it is to find a VR module of Eccentrica Galumbits nowadays?

DARTH VETINARI

[warningly] Do you know how *exceedingly* difficult it is to find me in such an accommodating mood nowadays?

PRESTON

[taking the hint] Yessir, Sith-dude.

Preston opens a drawer, digs around a bit, and finally surfaces with a small module cartridge, the relinquishment of which obviously causes him great pain. Vetinari plucks it from his hand, glances at it icily, and pockets it.

DARTH VETINARI

And stop calling me 'Sith-dude'. It gets on my nerves.

PRESTON

[salutes] Affirmative, Sith-dude.

Vetinari growls a long-suffering sigh and stalks away.

The tech in the VR goggles is intent on his work, so this entire exchange has passed him by unnoticed.

EXT - REBEL BASE

CAMERA rises slowly from ground level, sand sloughing off and occasionally obscuring the view. At this point we realize that we are looking through the POV of whatever the VR tech is controlling. Data flickers across the screen [imagine the POV of the T-800] as we crest the concrete slab the spy droid bumped into, and see CHEWBACCA [identified by the droid's database as "Adult Male _Pongo pygmaeus sapiens_"] knuckling his way towards the Millennium Falcon.

ON CHEWBACCA

as the ape begins a routine inspection of the Falcon. He begins by checking the pneumatic pistons on the landing struts. Finding a small problem, he shines a flashlight at the workings. Behind him, a vague shape hovers, occasionally twitching one of many manipulator arms that hang below the main body. Chewie frowns and pokes his long fingers into one of the spaces in the landing strut, extracting a single oat, which he sniffs experimentally and discards. The droid floats closer, the only sound a quiet hum.

INT - STAR DESTROYER

The VR tech moves his arms slowly in a cybernetic ballet as he guides the droid closer. He realizes that this could be significant, and he wets his lips in his excitement.

EXT - REBEL BASE

The droid is closer now as Chewie uses a small can of compressed air to clean the oats out of the workings. We can see it clearly now - it looks like a mechanical jellyfish.

Its shadow falls across Chewbacca's back as the ape looks up from his work.

INT - STAR DESTROYER

The VR tech is tense now with anticipation. He's found that ship that Ridcully was driving. Therefore, Ridcully himself must not be far off. Once Vetinari hears about the hours of diligent work he put in--

EXT - REBEL BASE

Chewie half-turns and shrieks. He is looking not at the spy droid but at the ground, where a large scorpion trundles along. The ape's hair stands out in fright, and he grabs the nearest object - the hovering spy droid, which whines in protest - and uses it to club the scorpion repeatedly to death in a shower of sparks, droid bits, and extremely delicate internal components.

INT - STAR DESTROYER

The VR tech screams, spasms, and pitches to the floor from the shock.

Preston looks up in bewilderment.

PRESTON

Ted? Dude...?

*****

End Part 1. As always, comments, gripes, and suggestions welcome.