Note: Recently I accepted sweet critic about how nasty and narrow-minded I've been posing in some stories, so I decided to give that person a nice lemony story. This piece is the English translation of that story, of course, hoping I could share it with everyone, especially my dearest friend, Four Crosses. Well, actually, this fic was heavily inspired by his awesome fic, Mature Content. Besides, I always wonder what the real story behind Icha Icha Paradise is. Hope you enjoy reading this~!
Disclaimer: Masashi Kishimoto and Blue Lagoon
Timeline: After Naruto killed Pain, and before Sasuke killed Itachi, whichever come first.
Warning: crack fic
Icha Icha Paradise on Filming
Chapter 1 Prologue: Let's Start the Casting!
Kakashi Hatake slowly moved toward the windows, taking one of his favorite novels with him. He glanced across the bedroom, tried to find nice fluffy thing to sit on, which he usually did when he read. Damn it, the silver-haired man hardly found what he wanted, since his bedroom was a complete mess. His pillows and bedclothes were under the bed, which he barely remembered when the last time he brought them to laundry. His dirty clothes and clean ones mixed up together, and the worst of all, lots of spider web everywhere. If you want such nice clean room, it'll be Iruka's, Kakashi fumed, and then climbed his windows. He opened his favorite novel, Icha Icha Paradise. For your information, Kakashi always let his room messy like that, trying to get the mood when reading. Of course, no one could guess what kind of mood he meant.
"It's too bad Jiraiya died without finishing this series. What the next volume tells…," Kakashi stared at the blue sky blankly. He looked so handsome when he posed that way, showing his sexy, suggestive silvery eyes and perfectly eyebrows. "What will Naruto in this novel do? Will he finally get…"
A scroll suddenly fell from the novel in his hands, flying and opening itself in from of Kakashi. He curiously narrowed one of his eyes, grabbed the scroll within seconds.
You must be curious to death about this scroll, right.
Kakashi's expression was still flat as usual. I don't even know about this thing, why should I be so curious to death? What kind of sick joke is this? Is there someone out there trying to goof around with me? As he remembered, his birthday was still in September.
This scroll only appears if one of my loyal fans had read my novel 200 times in less than one month. I put my last will inside the paper, the last will of super pervert Sannin Jiraiya.
Kakashi held his breath instantly because of two important things. First, he felt so honored to get that scroll, and secondly, he was worried that he might get abhorrent order from one of the Konoha's legends. Slowly, he kept scrolling down the roll of paper in his hands, hoping he wouldn't get hurt or something infected or whatsoever.
I include my bank account and the pin in Suna Village within this scroll, which I happily pass it for you. However, do not expect I hand them freely.
Tsk, I'm expecting nothing from you! What for? Talking about money, spending some days in tropical islands with Anko seems fun… Tsunade has been bitching me for days lately, and very demanding…
HOW RICH ARE YOU?
Kakashi's eyes turned green instantly seeing the huge number in Jiraiya's account. That was fantastic, much more than he had expected before. With that money, he could buy anything he wanted. He could act more reckless than Suna's billionaires might. He could even buy Uchiha Sasuke's pride.
Your mission with the money is filming Icha Icha Paradise. Create the most erotic scene that could make any beds burning, stew those naive brains, and turn innocent viewers into sex addicts.
Kakashi gulped when he read those bold words on the paper scroll. WHY IN THE WORLD I AM THE ONE SHOULD MAKE ICHA ICHA PARADISE THE MOVIE ? BESIDES, WHO WANTS TO BE VULGAR-YET-AMAZING ACTORS AND ACTRESSES?
Making this movie, my associates and friends will help obediently, since all of they will also receive the same scroll like you have. Tsunade will lend a hand, trust me, if you tell her this, "moonlight night in Konoha's Village."
Kakashi hissed frantically, confused between believing or not believing what he had been through so far. His head hurt, or badly damaged he had no any ideas. What the hell? If this were nightmare, please let me awake!
Having your mission accomplished, you'll get super limited edition of Icha Icha Paradise, completed with a pair of Icha Icha Paradise humanlike action figures.
Kakashi's silvery eyes sparkled in seconds when he read the last 3 words from the direction. He jumped from the windows, ready to find the assistants and friends Jiraiya had promised before. He was more than ready to meet Tsunade and anyone to get his mission accomplished as soon as possible. Be prepared, Konoha, get ready to face your director!
Naruto was eating his ramen heartily with Choji and Shikamaru when suddenly he felt something wrong was creeping behind, luring, and eating him alive. He quickly turned his face, looking for the core of that dark creepy sensation, but found nothing at all. Shikamaru had been watching him, finally asked, "what the matter?"
"I felt like someone was watching me afar!"
"Give me a break, there's no silly fangirl around here." Shikamaru released a soft laughter, teasing his friend. "Actually, it was Choji. He has been watching your ramen, waiting the right moment to…"
"Stop accusing me, Shikamaru! It was you who wanted to eat his ramen!" Choji bantered back, trying to defend himself. "Naruto, if you stopped eating, will ya give it to me?"
"You wish!" Naruto yelled, securing his bowl. He hurriedly swallowed the rest of ramen in it, hoping all of the omen was just his silly imagination. He had no idea what he might become. He had no idea that he would be one legendary actor in the ninja movie industry.
The morning meeting was suddenly canceled without further information. Naruto and his friends were completely confused, and they almost died because of sudden heart attack when they noticed the coming of other ninjas from different villages, let aside the additional appearance from akatsuki members. You read correctly. The akatsuki members came together, started from Itachi, Sasori, Hidan, to Pain.
"Wuaahhh!" Naruto was rather amused when he saw both of his friends and foes came together, including Sasuke Uchiha. However, whet made him surprised more than anything was Kakashi's extravagant look in his silver coat and big megaphone in his hands. "What is happening here?"
Sasuke couldn't stop gawking at his hateful sibling, he automatically ran, attacking Itachi. "YOU FUCKING BASTARDDD!"
Yet, everyone protected Itachi with all their power. The anbu members, Akatsuki members, and even the fifth Hokage quickly concealed the attack.
"WHAT THE HELL WITH YOU? LET ME KILL THAT FUCKING MURDER!" Sasuke groaned madly, "STOP OR YOU WILL PAY WITH YOUR LIFE!"
"We won't disturb your affairs." Sasori stepped forward, taunting Sasuke. "Still, we're here because we were drawn by unbroken vows we made long ago, which made our souls returned on earth once more. Stop your insane impulses now or later you'll regret everything. Spare Itachi—only this time."
"Huh?" Shikamaru frowned, trying to absorb Sasori's explanation. "Means, Hidan who is standing over there…" the smart man seemed satisfied by then, "fine, I don't mind."
"What a beautiful day…" Sakura moved closer to Sasuke. It had been years since the last time she saw him, trying to change his mind from leaving Konoha for becoming Orochimaru's student. "I miss you so much, Sasuke…"
The young man she was talking to actually totally ignored her, kept staring at Itachi with unstoppable desire. Whatever the desire would be, apparently not desire to make any gay scenes or whatsoever. In the other hand, Rock Lee really annoyed looking at Sakura's reaction. He was obviously jealous, wanting Sasuke to return to place he was belonged.
"Naruto-kun, I am so scared…" Hinata was standing very close to the man she cared, biting her lips nervously. "I don't understand with all of these things. Why should we stay in this hall?"
That was true. All of them were locked in the Konoha's big hall, waiting for something, which perhaps would be cleared when the time came, whatever that would be.
"To tell the truth, I have no clues, Hinata. Yet, whatever happened, I'll protect all of you. Do you get that?" Naruto stated, making the pretty Hyuuga a bit relaxed with their crazy situation. "Take it easy, okay?"
"ATTENTION EVERYONE! GATHER UP!" Kakashi Hatake made such exclamation with his black megaphone. "ATTENTION! ATTENTION!"
Everyone followed him, curious with Kakashi's plan. What the hell that Kakashi doing actually? What was behind all of these stuffs?
"TODAY I, KAKASHI HATAKE WILL START CASTING AND CHOOSING THE MAJOR ROLES FOR ICHA ICHA PARADISE THE MOVIE!"
"What is Icha Icha Paradise?"
"As I know, it's a super pervert novel made by the master of perversion in Konoha."
Kakashi explained. "LISTEN, IF YOU ARE LUCKY, YOU WILL BE CHOSEN TO BE THE AMAZING ACTORS AND ACTRESSES IN THIS MOST INTERESTING MOVIE EVER MADE IN HISTORY!"
"FUCK OFF! IT IS PORN MOVIE!"
"DISGUSTING!" Gaara stated exasperatingly, his icy eyes looked so cold when he remembered the novel they were talking about. Once, he had seen Kankuro with indecent expression with that godforsaken novel in his hands. For the sake of morality, Kakashi must be stopped. "LET'S CANCEL THIS ABHORRENT MEETING!"
"What's wrong with that, brother?"
"STOP! STOP THIS MEETING AT ONCE!"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU SHOULD BE HONORED WHEN I DECIDED TO INVOLVED ALL OF YOU INTO…"
Everyone immediately threw their weapons toward Kakashi, started from blades, shurikens, chess, swords, poisons, bombs, pets, or poops. Unluckily, Pain was more than alert than anyone, striking all of those weapons in one single swap and returning all of them to their owners.
"MY EYES! THEY ARE BURNINGGGGG!"
"FUCK OFF, PAINNNNN!"
"Listen, no one could HURT Kakashi while I'm here!" Pain stated, his tone was full of confidence. "Everyone MUST obey him or else!"
"Can't you kill him again, Naruto?" Ten-ten whispered. Her face was sullen. "He irritates me."
"LET'S START THE CASTING~!" Kakashi screamed with unbelievable cheerfulness. "LET'S BEGIN FROM THE MALE LEAD ACTOR~!"
Male lead character in Icha Icha Paradise novel is an innocent young man, appeared to be 14-17 years old. He has the potential to be great fighter and wild player in bed. He must be attractive, fun, and appealing.
Kakashi watched Neji closely, from head to toe. Afterward, he threw Neji's profile from his desk. "He is absolutely rejected. His face is far too plain and straight. This kind of type usually fits as wicked samurai or heartless bastard."
"Kakashi! Watch your impudent mouth!" Neji really wanted to smack Kakashi, but the vicious warning from Hidan and Pain made him stop. Sighing, the handsome Hyuuga went aside.
"Impossible, too fat, seems lazy, making me puke," Kakashi was rather annoyed when he saw Choji busily chewed his snacks. "Next!"
Sasuke Uchiha gazed at Kakashi with his famous cold stare, which could be able to melt any girls' hearts. That young lad was incredibly handsome and got the potential to become male lead in any movies, Kakashi acknowledged, but he just couldn't. There was something missing, and he hardly explained what was that. "Sasuke is very charming, and he might please anyone in bedroom…"
"SASUKE-KUNNNNN!" Sasuke's fans screamed wildly, shouting as loud as they could. "SASUKE, LOVE YOUUUUU!"
A sneer crossed Sasuke's face.
"… with that cold gesture and that brutal killing intention, he is more suitable to play significant role of being one of vampire brothers, murdering each other to get such mortal woman's love." Kakashi continued, looking deep into Itachi's dark eyes. "Don't you think so, Itachi?"
"Do you seek death?" Itachi warned him, making everyone in that big hall stop talking—and breathing indeed. All of them kept silence for a while; their bodies trembled in fear as the elder Uchiha curved his mouth, showing a strong feeling of displeasure.
"Ehhmm, next is Gaara, I suppose?" Kakashi tried to divert Itachi's attention. "Ahh, your fiery eyes are suitable for the role, your hot body is perfect, but I'm not sure you wild in bed."
Gaara's face turned as red as his hair.
"Oh, kami-sama…" Kakashi wailed, then let out another deep sigh. He had never been so desperate like that fateful day. Everything was so—so beyond his expectation. Shikamaru seems too mature, Kankuro seems too pervert, Rock Lee seems too shiny, the young man with his dog could spoil the story, so who will be the one…
"Hinata, didn't you want to, eh, careful!" Naruto hurriedly caught Hinata, helped her to stand properly. Naruto also asked some ninjas to give Hinata some space, let her to take a rest. He seemed so kind and gentle, a person you could rely on, and trust.
"Always eat your breakfast."
"So- sorry, Naruto-kun, but I woke up late this morning…"
"Hnn, we'll eat ramen together after this—this weird thing. Will you join us?" Naruto grinned, afterward he added. "Wait a minute." He took something from his pocket, giving it to Hinata. "Ah, you can eat my bread, here!"
Kakashi gave a wide smile, much wider than Hinata, felt so relieved. He had found the male lead actor in his movie, Uzumaki Naruto.
Thanks for reading everyone!
-Actual feedbacks/reviews means fast update while fave/alert means lame update-