a/n: this is for the "sensitive/controversial topic" challenge on HPFC. hope you enjoy! harry potter © jk rowling.

the ghost of regrettable memories (it should've been me)
lysander / anxiety disorder

It was Sunday afternoon and Lysander should've been dead.

Five years ago to this day, Lorcan had died because of Lysander's stupidity – and he'd been sure that it would be today. Today that he would fall through a pavement, or be kidnapped and murdered, or have a heart attack. But he was fine.

Don't cry, idiot, he told himself, crying's for losers.

It was hard, though, because he was alone in a cold house and he'd pushed Lorcan and he didn't have the right to be scared but he was anyway.

The way Lily looked when he told her five years ago that day was burned onto his brain like a tattoo. He knew every fleck of her shocked, hurt eyes; every crease in her crumpling face; every tear track down her cheeks.

She cried for Lorcan. She didn't cry for him – except to show how much she hated him. There was no way she'd be like that when he died.

He had deserved to die today. What kind of brother pushed his twin – his wonderful, sweet, kind, incredible twin – in front and then didn't even have the decency to die himself? His mind retorted, The kind that's too scared to do anything risky.

It was true, though. That day replayed over and over in his should-be-dead head. They were in London and Lorcan wanted to show him something in the Muggle part. They'd been crossing a road when the unfamiliar screech of Muggle cars going way too fast came and Lysander was in their path and he couldn't run and he pushed Lorcan in front and it should've been him, it should've been him.

Every other story of a car accident involve brothers or sisters or whoever jumping in front of cars voluntarily to save somebody. If Lorcan had cared about him enough, he would've gone in front anyway – but he didn't. He didn't save Lysander wilfully because he didn't care. He wouldn't have felt like this if Lysander had been the one to die.

No! No, it was awful to think about his own dead brother this way.

Maybe he'd die tomorrow. At this thought, Lysander tried not to be scared (because he wasn't allowed to be. Lorcan didn't have time to be scared, so why should he?), but his lip trembled and his eyes filled with tears.

I'm an awful brother, he thought. The other side of his brain deadpanned, No! No, only fantastic brothers push their twin in front of a car, think bad things about them and then are too terrified to even offer their life as repayment for the unthinkable debt they owe him.

But the ghost of regrettable memories didn't really have any hobbies, and he liked hanging out with Lysander.

a/n2: thank you for reading, please review if you have the time!