1. When you first receive word that Natasha may be with child, do not ask "It's not Tony's, is it?" This will result in a punch in the arm, and a rather ugly bruise.
2. If you do not follow Number 1 (idiot), then do not visit your memory-weakened grandmother, whom will assume that, "the Japs are after my husband!"
3. After receiving word of the pregnancy, it is most recommended that you keep calm, and try not to panic. Yes, I understand that it's a big surprise, and shock comes through, but fainting is never recommended. Once you awaken, think first, and remember the situation before. Try not to talk, either, because asking Natasha to borrow her "thermometer" because you feel a little weird is not a good quality to have, especially as the man of the relationship.
4. Once you get over the possible shock, bruise, and faint, then don't say something stupid. "Hope it doesn't come out deformed" is not recommended. At all. Seriously, why would you say that?
5. Calling your family is considered a reasonable reaction. However, the following people should probably not know, no matter how close you are. Here are the following: Tony, the pizza guy, that one ex-girlfriend who said that archery was lame (even for bragging purposes), Tony, the mailman, Fury, Tony, your brother (because I swear, the first thing he will ask is the position the little puppy barked from), Tony, the Republicans that call every now and then to ask you to vote, and, most importantly Tony.
6. If you do tell Tony, then don't promise him to name the baby after him.
7. Don't get drunk the night you find out you're going to be a father.
8. If you must get drunk, get drunk with Steve, because all he ever has are Shirley Temples.
9. It is advisable that, as a potential parent, you pay the upmost attention to the expecting mother (in your case, Natasha.) No matter how early it is in the pregnancy, she's still Natasha, and her mood swings can be just as threatening. In other words, read What to Expect When You're Expecting. No matter how dorky it looks on the subway. Or in Stark Towers. Or at a mission.
10. When the mood swings actually do jump in, it is advisable to have an emergency plan. In other words, if you have, in any way, shape, or form, done something that may've angered Natasha, just let her be, and come back in an hour. By then, she'll be Happy Tasha again.
11. If she really needs company, just leave her with Tony.
12. Here are the following things that Natasha craves: pepperonis, marshmallows, metal (don't ask, and Tony lives for another couple of hours), and onions. Do not eat any of these things, or you will find a very emotional Natasha.
13. Go grocery shopping regularly.
14. If Natasha gets horny, please act upon it. Because she can just as easily revert to giggly Natasha, and you'll find yourself in a very awkward position.
15. Don't let Thor near Natasha-apparently, pregnancy is extremely different on his home planet, and he finds human pregnancy too interesting for comfort. Also, he likes to touch things. Keeps that in mind.
16. Do not wonder aloud if Natasha's belly will just stay huge, even after she has the baby. Or you'll be all the way back to Number 1.
17. At the baby shower, remember, people worked very hard to get you and Natasha the right present. It doesn't matter that Steve got you the number of several housewives, or that Bruce got you CDs of Mozart to play around the baby, or that Tony bought it a crib shaped coincidentally like Iron Man's face. Or that Thor just got it a hammer.
18. When Natasha gets up in the middle of the night for her...hurlings...just go ahead and sleep on the couch. Because facing the fact that the mother of your child sounds like one of the raptors from Jurassic Park is not an enjoyable experience.
19. If Natasha ever tells you that she's not sure how to be a mother, do not suggest that Fury could fill in for her. It's not funny. Not even a little bit. (Okay, it's kind of funny, but don't mention it.)
20. A part of pregnancy is mood swings; as Natasha is normally a very reserved person, she'll probably say a lot of things that you were not aware of, such as her lesbian explorations in high school, the fact that when she first saw you she thought you were Nathan Fillion, or that she is a fan of Kevin Costner (in other words, the man who destroyed Robin Hood.)
21. Don't watch Robin Hood with her to try to point out the mistakes, because she will fall asleep, and snoring during pregnancy is probably the worst thing ever.
22. During the ninth month, it is obvious that you should stay within distance of Natasha. She could being labor at any second, and you'll need to be there.
23. In other words, don't agree to see The Hunger Games with Tony.
24. When you get a call from Pepper that Natasha's in labor, try your best to do as it all began, and stay calm. Or...whatever, just stop fainting, it's humiliating to both of us.
25. While you accompany a very, very pained Natasha to the emergency room, do not continue your "Gale vs. Peeta" debate with Tony. And don't let the doctors join in, either (because, seriously, Madge and Katniss are just plain stupid.)
26. So, Natasha's going to be squeezing your hand. Hard. Yes, you're an archer, and you think that you can handle it, but if you think to this day that you can handle the grip of a thousand suns, then don't borrow my sling.
27. It's your fault she's in pain. Disagree with her in forty years, but not during labor. Because, remember, she's still holding your hand.
28. When the baby is finally born, do not sigh and say, "Well, glad that's over." And if you want to know why, just take a gander at Number One, and maybe put it on a poster or something, because this happens a lot.
29. I know that this all seems kind of intense, and there's a lot to remember, but trust me. It's all going to be worth it when you see your son.
30. Just go ahead and stop hanging out with Tony.
Anyway, congratulations, if you do get a hold of this again. David's probably all grown up by now, maybe...you guys did agree on David right? Because I swear to God, if you named him Tony...
"What're you looking at, Tony?" a very pregnant Pepper asked as she poured her morning coffee.
Tony Stark took one last glance at the guide Clint had lent him, before he answered with a snarl, "Nothing much. It is the work of a Peenis fan."
Thank you for reading! I know that some of it might seem slightly OOC, but I just thought...well, they're Clint and Natasha, they can do anything.
Review, and you get a free hammer!
(Note: if you've seen this fic before, it's because it was reposted for edits, or as I lovingly dub it, "spring cleaning")