A/N: Yes, a sequel to "How to Successfully Travel Through Pregnancy." I love writing Avengers!humor fics, more specially around the world of Clint and Natasha. Quick note-to those of you who read my Avenger!lawyer fic, then I assure you, I'll have it updated around sometime next week. Besides laziness and busy camp days, I've had a lack of inspiration that's recovering.
I once published this, but I decided I keep it with this fic as a second chapter. I hope that you enjoy it!
1. The first and foremost most important thing to remember when raising this child-do not, ever, even if you're pretty much sure that the vad of possibly toxic waste is just avocado dip, let him/her become a superhero.
2. If you do not follow number one, then you've learned nothing.
3. The child, more likely than not, enjoys to fling food about the kitchen. It would be wise to discourage this with said child, and not emerge in a mashed carrot and applesauce fight. If you don't, then you're going to find yourself in a very awkward position when Nat gets home.
4. Purchase several mops a year.
5. Don't allow the child to be left alone with Thor, or it will not stop throwing its' sippy cup on the ground for weeks.
6. No matter how entertaining they are, here are a couple of shows that Natasha won't let you watch around a child-the Newlywed Game, Jersey Shore, Good Morning, America, the Lifetime Movie Network, and Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
7. Here are a couple of people to take off the babysitting recommendation list-Uncle Tony, Uncle Tony, Uncle Tony, Uncle Tony, Uncle Tony, Loki, and/or Uncle Tony.
8. If you hire Uncle Tony, then don't pay him. Or tip him because you were ten minutes late.
9. It is not wise to promise your child that she/he can pick dinner for a week in exchange for making them promise that they wouldn't tell Natasha you spilt tomato soup all over the couch. If you do not follow this instruction, you will be eating Happy Meals and Froot Loops in chocolate milk more than you ever thought you ever would, not to mention getting glared at by Uncle Tony throughout the entire course.
10. When a child goes up and hugs you, that usually means they broke something. If they come up and kiss you, it means that you broke something without realizing it. If they run up to you and cling to your leg, that means that they broke something, but apparently, it was for creative purposes only.
11. When they ask where babies come from, here are several non-acceptable answers-"when a mommy and a daddy love each other, very much," the zoo, a catalog, the stork, a basket you found floating down the river, or (and I don't even know why you thought this was at all reasonable) the truth.
12. If they beg for an answer, revert the question to Uncle Steve.
13. Video every single moment. Missing documenting your child's first steps because you were too busy cleaning out the DVR does not sound reasonable to Natasha .
14. Here are a couple of playful lies you shouldn't tell the kid-Uncle Thor's hair is a wig, Uncle Steve's shield must be waved around like a flag on national holidays, underneath Pawpaw Fury's eyepatch is a nickel dispenser, Uncle Bruce likes to play Leap Frog spontaneously, and Uncle Coulson absolutely loves the BeeGees.
15. Children believe every single thing you say.
16. Potty training should be taken with the absolute seriousness. Tony.
17. Do not permit Uncle Tony to read aloud "Twilight" for a bedtime story. Nor should the two of you get in a Team Edward/Team Jacob fight (though it does help the kid fall asleep.)
18. Uncle Tony is only allowed to be within the presence of the child ten-twenty minutes per day.
19. Do not listen to Uncle Tony when he insists that he is the child's godfather. Whether you actually ever confirmed it, drunk or sober.
20. Uncle Thor does not take it as a joke when you kid that he'll be the godmother. He will, by chance, dress as one at the child's christening. Seriously.
21. Playing dinosaurs is all fun and games until the biting comes along.
22. Do not worry about any possible licking period. Just by it one of those licking rocks they use for horses for a couple of weeks and see where it goes from there.
23. Natasha does not appreciate wrestling, or any way, shape, or form. I know, I know...the irony. And while she'll allow it, you'll find yourself often hearing "don't hurt him," "don't sit on him," "Clint, you're being too rough," "Put him down!," and "God, Clint-did you just get beat up by a four-year-old?"
24. Tantrums are avoidable at all costs. If you find a way to ignite them, then grab the child and run for the hills.
25. You are never going to sleep on the couch again. If you do not follow this rule, then you're going to find yourself transforming from a master assassin to a human trampoline in a matter of minutes.
26. Keep the whiskey and apple juice separate. Especially if you ever come to a situation where you're tired and you don't bother to differentiate between the two.
27. Never get into a tickle fight. The child will win.
28. When she/he comes in in the middle of the night because she/he had a nightmare, Natasha will not take it kindly that you ask it to tough it out, like you did.
29. She/he coming in the middle of the night because she/he had a nightmare occurs often. Be sure to lock the door in case they walk in on...the answer to their questions.
30. Children are about ten times smarter than any master assassin.
Tony smirked at the guide, and rolled his eyes. He took a quick glance over to Daniel, who was flipping mindlessly through the channels, searching for Spongebob.
"Hey, Dan," he asked, a bit hesitantly. "You liked it when I read aloud to you at night, right?"
"Sure, Daddy," he muttered, and then, on que (with an eye roll), he muttered, "Go Edward."
Tony smiled, feeling reassured, as he set the book down back on the arm of the couch. Clint's guides were absolutely ridiculous, he thought-he won the tickle fights with Dan every time.
Until he tested this knowledge again later that night, and lost horrifically. Apparently children were a lot stronger when they weren't eleven months old.