Warning: This story contains mentions of stereotyping, suicide, alcoholism, homophobia, graphic sex, graphic language, non-con, graphic violence, and incest. None of the views on any of the topics expressed in this story reflect my own. Please read at your own risk.
Bella POV (BPOV)
The pieces of the photograph fell to my feet in a scattered, messy pile on the carpet along with all the others. Snippets of blues, greens, purples, blacks, and the palest of creams lay in a circle around the spot where I was sitting, most falling off my bed and to the ground.
Snip. Snip. Snip.
And with a final cut, the picture in my hand was completely mutilated, the characters inside a hundred percent unrecognizable. Discarding the remnants of the one in my hand, I reached down into the old shoebox to pull out another, ripping it out of the masses of other photos. I seized the scissors once more and immediately began attacking the small paper print of the two happy, smiling people.
More of my anger was cut away with the picture, but it seemed as if my body had an unlimited supply of the red hot emotion, and the more I snipped away, the angrier I got. I had been cutting up my old memories for at least an hour and I only felt the urge to destroy more.
I was about to sink the metal fangs into the freshly picked picture, when I stopped to remember the particularly happy memory that lived in it. I was young, nearly six years old, holding a pansy between my chubby fists and blushing wildly, my free hand suppressing my giggles as I watched the tanned boy who had recently handed the flower to me blush as well. He was two years older than I was, only eight, but even then, at such a young age, we had crushes on each other, and I never thought they would end.
The memory didn't calm me down in the least; in fact, it made me more enraged. I brutally attacked the object with the sharp blades until it was confetti, scattering it above my head and watching it rain down. After the pieces landed, I got the most unsatisfying taste in my mouth, like I had swallowed lead. Scowling, I threw myself against my bed, the box spilling old memories across the carpet with a soft thud. I let out a frustrated groan, totally fed up with my inability to release my anger at him. I mean, I knew the breakup wasn't his fault; I knew he didn't have a say on his sexual orientation, but even though I saw it coming, it didn't hurt any less.
Jacob and I had known each other since I could remember. Growing up in Forks, Washington, it was hard for us not to know each other in a place where everyone knew everyone. We were childhood friends, our dads being friends before us, and after my mom's accident and his mom's suicide, our two families grew closer. We were like childhood sweethearts, adjoined at the hip since the time we could talk, and over the years, we grew closer and closer.
Everyone always taunted and teased that we would get married, have kids, and all through school we denied it, but the blush on our cheeks were obvious. I would never have admitted it to him at the time, but I had truly grown to love him. After all, he was my closest friend and confidant, the only one who I could talk to about my mom. So, it was of great relief when he told me he loved me and wanted to go out with me in my ninth – his tenth – grade year. I, being completely elated but not at all shocked, accepted his offer, and for the next few years, we were inseparable and completely in love, or at least I thought so.
In the beginning of junior year, right after my sixteenth birthday and a month after we'd done it for the first time, Jacob started acting weird. We went from being practically the same person to strangers overnight, and the shift shocked me. While the emotional change was instantaneous, the public one was more gradual. He slowly stopped eating lunch with me, he didn't carry my books anymore after a while, and then he even stopped holding my hand. I was about to ask him what his deal was, when he shocked me with the undeniable truth that I myself had been denying for a while.
I was eating lunch with my friends, most of whom were nervously watching me for any news on my deteriorating relationship, when Jacob came sauntering in, his golden tanned skin glowing even under the artificial lighting of Forks High. Even on his worst day he was too beautiful for this drab town, and I was shocked how this man, whom I had known since we were little, had grown into something so beautiful, someone with perfectly toned muscles and a tasteful sense of men's fashion and flawless skin. I was wondering why he ever even chose me.
He walked right up to me and my circle table of friends, right in the center of the cafeteria, the perfect place to put on his show. I sat up straight and my friends, especially Jessica, tried to look busy and not shoot me glances of worry. He looked tense, like he wanted to tell me something, but he wasn't talking and neither was the small group of his fellow football players. In fact, they looked nervous to be anywhere near me, like a bomb might go off at any moment.
"Bella, we need to talk." he said in a smooth, even tone though his eyes never left the table.
"What is it Jacob?" I ask, my voice struggling to stay calm.
"Can we go somewhere more private?"
"Why? So you can break up with me somewhere more private?" I ask with venom, my voice elevating, raising some heads in our direction.
"No! Bella, we really need to discuss things, things that are better discussed in private."
"Oh, so you want to spare me the humiliation of being dumped in public? How generous."
"You are taking this way out of proportion!"
"Oh am I?" I yell, standing up from the table to face him better. At this point, the entire cafeteria is looking at us, standing right in the middle of the room acting like this was a showdown, and it was. Everyone is silent. "I am out of proportion? I wasn't the one who left me hanging in the wind all the sudden! I mean, what the hell is your problem Jake, trying to give me whiplash or something?"
"No! That's not at all what I meant to do-!"
"Then what is it Jake? What the hell is going on?"
"Goddamn it Bella! You want the truth? Fine! I'm gay!"
It took me a minute to register what he was saying, what he was finally admitting to. The impact of his words was like a punch to the gut; I could literally have keeled over and died of embarrassment and shock right then and there. The entire lunchroom was dead silent, eyes wide and breathing silently, which wasn't helping. All eyes were on us, even my friends who were supposed to help me were left speechless, and they all awaited my response. I didn't have any. Because the truth was, in my heart of hearts, I knew he was gay; I had known for a long while.
I guess my suspicions were always there. The way he dressed, the way he carried himself and how he spoke with such emotion were unlike any other guy I had ever come in contact with. He was always more sensitive and temperamental than his friends, and he knew fashion like no one's business; it was always scary when he showed up to school looking better than I did, but at the time, I just shoved those thoughts back into my mind as being part of who he was.
The ideas really started to kick in after we had sex for the first time. He never seemed very comfortable during, and when it came time to actually go through with the action, he pulled away and took my ass instead. In the times we came together afterwards, it was always anal and he made a very clear point of staying away from that spot between my legs that he seemed to have a strong aversion to, as if my vagina was radioactive. He rarely touched me at all, trying to get it over with. I knew I shouldn't have tried to get him to sleep with me again after the first awkward time, but I needed him because I loved him. I wanted him to be my first, and I guess in a way he was, if fucking my ass doggy-style counted as taking my virginity.
After the failed attempts at sex, I watched him pull away and draw closer to other guys, not his usual group of friends, but a group of guys whom the school had classified as loners. In the back of my mind, I knew it was a coalition of homosexuals trying to hide out of sight until high school was over, but I never much focused on them unless I caught Jake ogling them, which he did a few times during our relationship. If that wasn't a sign, I didn't know what was.
So, when it came down to giving a response, to satisfy the hungry eyes that probably already knew about Jake and awaited a showdown, I had nothing mean to say. I had no venom; I had no tears or spite. I was shocked, shocked and strangely relieved.
"I-I know Jake." I was finally able to pull out, ending the longest period of silence in my entire life.
"What?" His voice went dead serious, his pupils dilating.
"I've had my suspicions for a while now...I guess I'm not a hundred percent shocked."
Another silence filled the room, and it was as if the only two people who existed were Jacob and I, standing across from each other right in the center of the cafeteria. The perfect stage for this twisted play.
"So, where does that leave us?" he asked nervously, running his hands through his perfectly messy coif.
"I don't know Jake. I mean, I'm not mad at you per say; it's not your decision who or what you like. How could I be mad at that? I mean, I'd have to be a pretty big bitch..."
"So, would you like to try being friends?"
"Jake, I think that I just need some space now, ya know, and-"
I was cut off by the double doors slamming up against the white concrete walls, and I was sure that it was the principal coming in to check up on the debacle that had most likely already spread through all four corners of the building. But, instead of the principal, I was greeted by a startlingly gorgeous guy with silky auburn hair and golden eyes, his body just as chiseled, strong, and flawless as Jacob's, stride over to us quickly. At first, I thought he was coming for me, the way his eyes seductively moved over my body, but was quickly brushed aside as the man cried "Jacob!" and kissed him soundly on the lips.
I was frozen once more as I watched them shove their tongues down each other's throats, their embrace hot and steamy and particularly arousing for a reason I could not explain. When they finally separated, out of breath and smiling, the man realized that all eyes were on him and Jacob and immediately he began to blush, Jake's eyes falling to the ground, avoiding mine at all costs.
"Oh...Um..." the redhead stammered. Even his embarrassed voice was sexy.
"Uh, Bella..." Jake said, clearing his throat. "This is Edward, my...my..."
"I'm his boyfriend." the red head, Edward, finished for him, watching Jake smile and look away once more. "I'm sorry that I snatched this beautiful man away from you, but I guess I came out to be the better woman, don't you think?"
Edward's tone was light, and the last comment seemed to be sincere enough in the apology, but something about the better woman put a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe it was because Jake was actually dumping me and moving on in the same day, and by the looks of that kiss, I assumed that he'd been moving on for a while now. I knew he'd been gay for a while, but I didn't think he'd have a boyfriend lined up so fast! Now I was going to look like the loser and the thought of that made me angry.
I didn't remember much of what happened next, just that Edward and Jake left as happy as could be while I spent the rest of my day in a shocked daze and in total humiliation. It was apparent that the entire student body knew about this before I did, and I was being played for the fool for a while now. I got the hell out of dodge as fast as I could and when I got home, I immediately locked myself in my room and went to sleep, willing the day to go away. Maybe, I thought, it was all a dream and I would wake up in the morning to have it all go away and have Jake by my side, holding my hand, not macking on another, very sexy, guy.
Unfortunately, it was no dream, and as I walked into school the next day, the first thing I saw were Jake and Edward holding hands down the hall surrounded by the three other gay couples in the school. The sight of it all nearly made me run away and never come back, but I forced down the shame and walked with my head held as high as I could muster. When Jake called my name, I gave him a tiny wave, but moved on. I couldn't much stomach the sight of him at the moment.
Snapping myself out of my memories, I saw that I had gone back to the box and had snipped nearly fifty more pictures, including the one with the younger versions of the flowers and us. Sighing, I threw the scissors into a pile of clothes on my floor and walked out, needing a change of scenery. I ended up in the kitchen with my dad, Charlie, sitting down at the table with his cup of coffee and his daily crossword puzzle.
Smiling for the first time in forever, I walked over to the cabinets and pulled out a bowl and a box of Fruity Pebbles, filling the ceramic dish to the brim with milk. I sat down across from my dad who had yet to recognize my existence and patiently waited for him to finish what he was doing. I was nearly done with the cereal when he stirred, crumpling and folding his paper down and stretching out his arms that were stiff from their previously locked position.
"Hey Bells. What's the matter?"
"It's Jake." I said quietly.
Charlie put on his worried face, which makes me know he really cares about me, unlike my friends who have been mysteriously out of life for the past few weeks since the break up. I knew I could always rely on him. We haven't always been the closest of family members, but when Charlie put his mind to it, he could be decent at the whole parenting thing.
"What's going on with Jake? Did he do something?"
"It's more like he didn't do something..."
He waited for me to explain, his eyebrows tightly knit and furrowed, darkening his expression.
"Well what didn't he do? If he hurt you Bella, I can go right over to Billy's house and-"
"No, dad, it's alright." I assured him, touched that he cared so much unlike everyone else. "He just wasn't honest with me, about liking me, loving me, at least not in that way."
"What are you talking about Bells?"
"Apparently, Jake prefers to be with people of his same gender." I took in Charlie's confused gaze. He wasn't getting this. "He's gay dad. Jacob's gay."
"Wh-What?" he stammered, his eyes going wide in disbelief.
"Yeah, I know. But the thing is, I think I've known it for a while, but I was just too afraid to ask or something. And it's not like I can be mad at him for liking guys; I can't control that and it's not like he was cheating on me, at least for very long..."
I thought of Edward and him making out in front of me and how long they had to be together in order to play tonsil hockey that intensely. However, I didn't really view that as cheating since Edward was not a girl and hence had no hole to fuck, at least none that I knew of...
"Wow, Bells, I am...I am sorry...I mean, wow..."
He was running his hands through his hair, almost pulling it out in the process. I knew that this was a lot to take in, especially since my dad was practically the biggest homophobe out there (not like he'd ever say it out loud), and would probably never get over the fact that the little boy he'd known since birth was screwing other men.
"I know dad...it was a shock for me too and I had my suspicions."
"Well, Bella, I'm always here for you. I know this is...tough, and will probably take a lot of getting used to, but I'm sure it will all work out in the end."
My dad had plastered on the nicest smile he could muster, and the sight of it made me smile. I got up and hugged him, holding him close to my body, feeling his strong arms around me, and taking in his scent of pine needles and the stale air of the police office. It felt so nice to have him hold me, to cradle my body and let me bury myself in his chest. We were beyond close, probably a little too close for comfort, so when I shifted to give him a kiss on the cheek, our hips rubbed against each other, causing a bolt of electricity I had never experienced before to run up my body and settle in my core, while creating something rock hard in Charlie's pants.
We quickly pulled away, but it was too late to take the deed back, and both of us were mortified. Had I really just gotten excited over my father? And did he really just get an erection from me? True, I thought my dad was handsome, a bit scruffy, but not bad to look at, and he was beyond ripped, that I knew from watching him train from the station gym I sometimes went to, but I never thought he was sexy. At least I didn't think that way until now.
Now, it was as if all my past, childish, innocent thoughts about my dad were replaced with incestuous ones filled with desire and curiosity. At the moment, in my hormone-induced state, there was nothing I wanted more than for someone to touch me, and unfortunately, that someone was Charlie. That burst of energy was like no other high I have ever experienced, and I, like every teenager, had done a few hits here and there, but Charlie's touch was stronger than any drug. It was like lightning had struck my most private places, leaving them tingly and wanting more. I could tell he wanted me too; his hard-on still visible through the hand he tried to cover it in vain with, and the thought of it made me drool.
Oh God, how I wanted to feel him in my hands, how I wanted to squeeze him, stroke him. How I wanted him to take himself and ram it straight into my-
I made myself stop my thoughts midway through before I ran the risk of orgasming right then and there, and I forced myself to remember who the man in front of me was: my father! I was the most disgusting person in the world at the moment, but even my common sense and morals were finding it hard to compete with my raging hormones. Throughout my mental scolding, thoughts of my father's dick filled penetrated the sacred barriers in which I held rights and wrongs. They were all muddled now, and I could no longer decide if my thoughts were right or not. They felt so good; they made me feel amazing, so they had to be right, right?
I knew he had to be experiencing my dilemma; the lust, fear, and disgust was evident all over his face. I knew he had been deprived of sex for a while now, since his last girlfriend dumped him over two years ago now and he didn't do the whole prostitute thing, and he was probably suffering worse than I was. He was so needy, knowing what he was deprived of, while I had not yet experienced it yet. I felt so bad for him, terrible that he could not be relieved of his weighty burden, that it automatically gave my own needs and thoughts verification. Charlie needed to be relieved of his suffering, and I was the only one who could do that for him.
Getting up, I crossed the room to where he stood and wrapped my arms around him, embracing him in another close hug. I saw his pupils dilate and he tried to shove me away, but once more, it was too late. The hard lump I felt before had grown once again, but instead of running away this time, I pulled him in closer until the mass rubbed up against the crotch of my jeans. I heard his breathing pick up, and he successfully pulled away from me, his face angered yet red with blush.
"Bella, what the hell are you doing?" he hissed at me, turning his body away from me.
"We need each other Charlie; I can feel it. You need me and I need you."
"No Bella, I do not need you, not like that! What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Charlie, we are the only two people who care about each other. All my friends and my boyfriend left me. You have no friends or anyone to help you in life. We're all each other has, and we need each other, now more than ever."
"Fuck Bella! You are my daughter! Even talking about this is illegal! Do you have any idea how twisted you sound?"
"Don't you trust me Charlie? Don't you love me?"
"Of course I love you Bells, but that doesn't mean that I...want you like that. No!"
"Really? That bulge in your pants would say otherwise."
He cursed under his breath.
"That wasn't meant to happen...it's been so long since I'd had a woman so close to me...I had a momentary lack of control, but it's back now."
"I know Charlie, I know, and that's why I'm doing this. I want to help you; I want to love you and make you feel good. You deserve it, all the hard work you've done raising me over the years. The least I can give you is my love in return..."
"Bella..." Charlie gulped, but we were already getting closer. His hand went out to my face and I leaned into him, straddling his hips as he leaned against the kitchen countertops. I pressed myself right against his hardened member, pushing myself down on him and rotating my hips in a circular motion, causing some low, animalistic sound to rip from his throat.
"We need this Charlie..." I whispered to him, pressing myself down harder, feeling my own wetness pool in the bottom of my panties. "We need each other now. We are all each other has..."
"I know..." Charlie whispered into my ear, grabbing my legs and wrapping them around his waist. His voice was shaky, but the desire was clear.
We needed each other. We were all each other had, and we were all each other wanted.