I was watching Mulan tonight and came upon this scene where she seems to hesitate about helping Shang after he is knocked unconscious by Shan Yu. I thought this was kind of out of character for her, so I decided to have her reflect on it. R&R, por favor.


Hesitation has never been much of a problem of mine. Even before I became a soldier, a member of a group of individuals who could not afford such a luxury as waiting, I leapt into everything set before me, as though my limbs were free of the rest of me, supplying momentum before I could even comprehend my own movement. I rode through a storm to get to a training camp from which I was certain I would not return, I retrieved an arrow from the top of a thirty-foot pole I was convinced I would fall down, and I galloped to warn my commanding officer of Shan Yu's impending arrival when I was sure if Shang laid eyes on me again, he would change his mind about deciding not to kill me.

I've been known to behave recklessly and without thought.

I kiss Shang's naked shoulder, stroke his shoulder blades, and press my cheek to his back. His heartbeat echoes through me, but it is out of rhythm with mine.

I hope he will not wake as hot tears trail from my skin to his.

Because this is something I must bear, that time, those few moments I will have to face every single day until I leave this world to meet my ancestors.

My fingers curl around the blue silk handkerchief, slightly sweaty palms sliding against the fabric. My legs are shaking as I watch Shan Yu grab his head and slam it with his own. With a heave, Shan Yu throws him, a rag doll, the only man who has ever come close to anything resembling a romance for me, the man I admire more than any other.

My only movement is a wince.

I distantly hear Yao shout, "Come on!" and I stare at my commanding officer lying there, unconscious, to be dead as soon as Shan Yu takes enough steps.

And I do not move. Momentum, muscles have failed me this time, of all times.

And all I can think about when I swing the jagged sword into the wooden beam, across the rope that would mean Shan Yu's capture of the Emperor, is that I should have run it through him before he could even lay his cruel golden eagle eyes on the man I loved.