Meant to Be
"This is insane, we are not doing this," Fitz said.
"It's the only way," Olivia replied, trying to quickly walk past him before she did something she'd regret, like grabbing hold of him and never letting go.
Instead, he grabbed her arm, turning her into his body and roughly wrapping his arms around her. And it broke her heart to see him looking so lost and uncertain and angry, like a man who sees a light at the end of the tunnel only to see that light abruptly die out. Heart in his throat, Fitz said, "What are you thinking? Who are you right now?"
She couldn't help it. She reached up and pulled his head down, bringing his mouth to hers. And she kissed him with all the passion and the hopelessness and heartbreak that she couldn't put into words. She clung to his lips the way a drowning man clings to a raft—fiercely, and with singular focus and desperation. As soon as she released him, she knew she shouldn't have done it in the first place because it made it that much harder to let him go.
She looked up into those big, blue, beautiful eyes, the eyes that haunted her dreams at night, the eyes that she fell in love with—and she knew she couldn't deny him the truth.
"I'm the woman who loves you more than she loves her own happiness," she said, "Cyrus was right- it would be a waste to be a normal man because you're not normal. You are a diamond in the ruff, Fitz. You are extraordinary."
He looked incredulous, and sensing he's about to argue Liv said, "I will love you, Fitz. Every minute of every day for the rest of my life I will love you and you alone." She carefully held both sides of his face and as her eyes fill with tears, she whispered, "I wish more than anything that I could keep you. Keep you all to myself, but…you, Fitzgerald Thomas Grant the third, are meant to be a great man. And I couldn't live with myself if I took that from you."
Fitz looked furious at the mention of Cyrus, but still begged her, "No, Liv. Don't do this. I am not living another moment without you by my side, don't take this chance away from us. It's the only chance we have to be togeth—"
Olivia straightened out of his arms, and, voice cracking, said, detached, "Excuse me Mr. President. I have to go."
As Olivia turned away, and she thought, 'This is the moment. This is The Big Regret. Everyone has at least one Big Regret moment where they wish they could go back in time and change things at that one instant. And this is mine. This is the moment in my life that I will always lament, the one that I will look back on every day for the rest of my days and wish that I had done things differently. Every step I take in the wrong direction—away from Fitzgerald Grant—breaks off a piece of my heart, bit by bit. And I can't look back because regardless of what everyone else might think, I'm just not that strong. If I look back and see invitation or forgiveness in his eyes, I'll run back to him, screw the consequences.
So, no. No, I cannot look back and I cannot go back. He'll probably hate me for what I've done, but maybe it's better this way. Maybe if he hates me enough he will finally let me go. And the minute he does, I don't know what I'll do. Because the one thing I never told him was that he was it for me. There would be no other man, no happily ever after for Olivia Pope that doesn't include Fitz at my side.' Walking away from him was the hardest thing she ever had to do, and it trumped turning in her resignation or seeing him with Mellie.
She remembered when she was younger and would watch movies in school like Pride and Prejudice, and think, 'People aren't like that in real life. Love stories like those can only be read about in books or seen in movies'. But she was wrong. She knew she was wrong because when she looked at Fitz, everything became right in her world.
She loved him.
She loved his bravery and his mind and his genuine desire to help people. Olivia loved the sound of his voice and she loved how his hair tended to curl around the top and back of his head. She loved how his smile made her heart beat faster and how his kiss made it stop altogether. All she had was the memories they made together, and she could still feel his lips on hers from their kiss. She touched her mouth, thinking it would have to give her comfort later that night when she was alone and missing him.
Fitz watched her walk away and didn't know whether to cry or to scream. Finally, finally, there was a way for them to be together, and he could just see himself being normal. Maybe not tomorrow or even in six months, but in a year? In that future, he'd be joyfully married to Olivia Pope. He could see himself waking up with her in his arms and going to bed in the same way. He could see them going to a movie or holding hands or simply sitting on the couch in her apartment. He'd have no appointments, no engagements, no press conferences. In that future, he might've finally been able to feel that permanent ache in his chest—the one that hangs around the region of his heart—going away.
He would've dedicated his immediate future to his and Livy's happiness. But she took that away from him, and why? She said he was extraordinary but he would have given anything to be an ordinary man in her sight. He wished a million times that he'd graciously dropped out of the campaign when he realized his feelings for Olivia because they could be happy together right now, probably with a kid on the way.
He didn't understand what made her change her mind when her kiss in the Oval office had such promise and hope. When she mentioned Cyrus, he should've known. Fitz loved Cyrus except for the times when he came between him and Olivia. It was only at times like these when Fitz wanted very much to fire his chief of staff. But it didn't matter. Liv thought she could just walk away from him? That he wouldn't come for her, no matter how long it took? No. She must know that the only way that he would ever let her go would be if she truly wanted him to and he knew for a fact that that wasn't the case.
It would be different if she wanted him out of her life or hated him, but she didn't. Other people might look at her and see a calm, calculating, collected woman but he knew better because she was in his soul. He knew that there was too much passion in her kisses, both in his office and the one she just gave him. And she showed too much longing in her eyes a few minutes ago for him to believe otherwise.
So he'd hold onto his anger at her for a little while because he was genuinely pissed that she could just walk away like that. But then he'd forgive her and try to see her again because what else could he do? She was it for him. There was no happily ever after for Fitzgerald Grant without Liv at his side. She was the love of his life, the mate of his soul, and he wasn't going to let her go without a low down and dirty, no-holds-barred fight because he was playing for keeps. Resolved, he straightened his tie and went to get ready for the interview.