Ianto's Soundtrack

A/N - I'm really trying to get back into writing. And what do I choose? A fandom I haven't really been a part of for almost 2 years. Yes, I quit TW after Day 4 of CoE. I still haven't watched an episode since so please forgive any inconsistencies in the details. I felt so connected to Ianto (his quietness, his separateness, his strength etc) I am not a fan of Jack or Gwen so why bother continuing to watch.

Anyway, I did this for another fandom so I figured I'd give it a go.

The premise: Music is a big part of my life. Usually songs trigger a scene or a memory. Each chapter will be a self contained story based around a particular song. They aren't song fics. The story will be based around a scene or a feeling I get from a particular song and will go from there. Hope this works.

Do I Hold You?
The song is from the musical "Rage of the Heart"

Once again I find myself ensconced in the archives. Avoidance seems to be my best defense. I escape down here because I don't know how to act. Should I act as if nothing is happening? When you came back from Estelle's house, I saw how upset you were. Should I have comforted you? Should I have put my hand on your shoulder as you touched me the other night?

It's not like we haven't done anything. But is it only that or should it be more? At times I feel like I sense a bit of tenderness, but then it is gone and I wonder if it had only been a projection of my own dreams of a caring relationship with another person. I don't even know if you're what I want or if it is just convenient.

After Gwen started that stupid game of "who was your last kiss", was it a mistake that I said Lisa. I know I did it to hurt them, but when I saw your face I know I had hurt you as well. You had made a joke out of your answer so I didn't know how I was supposed to answer.

When Susie died the second time, I knew you took the guilt upon yourself. I didn't know what to do then… where we stood. Even now I can't believe I managed to proposition you over a co-worker's dead body. Was that just a release or was it more?

Then when you called me after John died. I came to the garage. I knew what had happened, but I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I stayed with you that night after I took care of the body. Was it just an affirmation of life or was I truly comforting you?

Owen's words when you and Tosh were stuck in 1941 hurt more than they should. "A part time shag?" Not as deep down as one might have expected, I had asked myself that same question many times. I know about your feelings for your namesake and find myself wondering what might have happened if we hadn't gotten you back when we did.

When it seemed that Abbadon had finally killed you for good, I realized that for me what we had wasn't just physical. As Gwen hovered over you in the morgue, I felt lost. The light that protected us all was gone. But when you came back, I hesitated. You just smiled and pulled me into your arms and kissed me. I didn't care if the rest of the team saw us anymore… what they thought. I put my arms around you and held you.


A/N – So what do you think? Any good? I have a couple more ideas already and hope to get them done soon. Hopefully this will break the ice and get my muse back. Reviews are love and always put a big smile on my face.

Lyrics (in case you're interested)

Do I hold you?
Do I ask you to go, do I touch you?
If I dare what I dream would I frighten you?
Would I make a scene and cause you to turn away?

Do I hold you?
Do I ask you to stay, do I kiss you?
If I dare what I mean I would find a way
To hold you and make you stay in my arms

I can't dream at night without seeing you
I can't see you standing there and not touch you
I can't touch you and not want you
I can't forget you no matter what I do

I'm not worried
That the dark of the night will deceive us
For the light of your love and the truth in your touch
Will protect us

I must hold you
I must ask you to stay, I must touch you
I don't care what they say, what they think, what they do
I must hold you, I must hold you
Hold you