(You can skip this if you'd like.)
It's been almost three years since I finished this story. It's been over four years since I started it. It was, in many ways, a perfect record of my growth as a writer at that time.
It was also a perfect record for my ridiculous ego and unfortunate ignorance in regards to the nuances of gender.
This story makes a lot of mistakes when it comes to gender. I did my research, or tried, but I was young and stupid and relied on Wikipedia, and a handful of people who happened to be trans to tell me if I was doing alright. In hindsight, having read far more about trans theory and how to write trans people and so on, I can tell you that a lot of the things I say in here are, however unintentionally, pretty transphobic.
(Also racist. I didn't realize how racist it was for a non-Native to use the term "two-spirit.")
I played around with a lot of terms for Deidara's gender here too, but the one that ended up being the most accurate was one that I never mentioned: genderfluid. If I were writing this story today, I'd be making a lot of changes, or I'd have scrapped most of it for being transphobic. There are a lot of things that I'd love to go back and change, but I won't, because changing it at this point would be like pretending I'd never made these mistakes. It would be like lying and saying that I always handled things perfectly instead of owning up to the fact that I screwed up. I'm not even going to edit out the ridiculously prideful and snooty author's notes.
So go ahead and read the fic. Enjoy it, even! There's plenty in here that I think makes it a fun read, and the research I did actually DID help me figure out my own sexuality (I'm ace, which I didn't even know was a thing before I started reading up on stuff for this fic).
But just… keep in mind the fact that not everything here is super trans-friendly, that I was a stupid kid, and that I've grown as a person and a writer in the time since. If you'd rather read a fic that is much more careful about all kinds of representation, then my more recent fics should satisfy, assuming they're that far in.
A/N: I always read stories where Deidara absolutelyhatesbeing mistaken for a woman. Here, he just laughs at it, and of course, takes advantage of the confusion. He likes crossdressing, and finds it fun. This is generally a part of my head-canon in just about any Naruto story I write.
Deidara, many people agreed, could easily be mistaken for a girl. Until he spoke, he often was. Even after he opened his mouth and gabbed, people commented on the pretty, if flat-chested, young girl that was standing by the ugly old man in the Akatsuki cloak.
Most of the Akatsuki, excepting Sasori, avoided mentioning it in fear that Deidara would blow up at them, or barring that, would simply blow something up. The reasons Sasori was allowed to comment on it were simple.
One, he didn't have anything down there himself anymore anyway, so he couldn't really say that he actually was any gender on his own now.
Two, he was aware of Deidara's true feelings on the subject, which weren't, as most people would assume, anger or indifference.
In truth, Deidara found it all utterly hilarious, and greatly enjoyed messing with people's heads. So when Sasori mentioned how several of the others had at one point been in deep conversation about how to keep Hidan from mentioning the gender confusion that Deidara often caused for people, what was little Deidara going to do?
Roll with it and take advantage as such, of course!
Deidara was a pretty good cook, especially compared to the rest of the organization, so he was often assigned that particular chore among any of the others (which was better than toilet duty, at least). His plan, then, began on one of the days that he was scheduled to make breakfast for the organization. Sasori was the first to come down and see, sadly, so they made small talk about the… changes before the rest of the organization came down, since they all slept and Sasori didn't.
"Why are you even doing this, brat?" Sasori asked, despairing of ever understanding his partner.
"It's fun. I like messing with people's heads, un. If even the organization is confused, then why not take advantage of it, un?" He rather daintily spun around to take care of some waffles that were ready to be taken out of the waffle iron.
"You don't feel awkward doing this at all?"
Deidara shrugged, a flirty motion in his current ensemble. "Back in Iwa, about two thirds of my missions were about making my art, un."
Sasori grunted for him to continue, sitting in an armchair in the attached living room. "We'll skip the art discussion for now. The other third?"
Deidara giggled girlishly, and flipped a hand at him femininely, almost as if lightly swatting away a fly. He batted his eyelashes. When he spoke, his voice was light and breathy, very different from his normal voice. It was still rather deep though, making him seem seductive instead of like a teenage girl in a poofy skirt. "Why, infiltration of course! Couldn't you guess, danna?"
Sasori raised an eyebrow at the blonde. "You didn't grunt at the end. And why is your voice still low?"
Deidara shrugged, the motion causing his fake chest to bounce. "I learned not to for the sake of not getting caught, un. As for my voice, it's a bit uncomfortable to change it, so I was putting it off, since I don't use a genjutsu, un. I should probably fix it up now, though. The others will be coming down soon, un."
He reached up and began to massage his throat, making small noises to test it now and again to see if he'd gotten it right. Eventually, he settled on a high and girlish voice, the kind that drove men wild. "So? How do I sound, Dan-na~?" He drew out the last word, coming in close to Sasori and cupping the redhead's chin, his own head tilted flirtatiously.
"Infuriating. Now get away from me, brat."
Deidara pouted and moved away to tend to some pancakes, flipping one of them. "Danna! You're so mean!"
"Excuse me if I don't feel comfortable when my still completely human partner, who just happens to be just half my age, flirts with me, a thirty-two year old puppet, while acting like a gender-confused civilian."
Deidara giggled again. "You know, that could probably freak them out even more.Would you be averse to pretending to be in a relationship?"
"Aw." Deidara pouted, but soon perked up again. "So I do sound like a girl? Enough like one that the others will believe I am one, if only for a moment?"
Sasori shrugged. "Sure, I guess."
The blonde squealed. "That's great! Oh, the next batch of waffles is almost done. By the way, how do I look?"
Sasori rolled his eyes as Deidara spun and posed, finger to his lips. "Like a girl. Which begs the question, how are you going to hold that genjutsu up when Itachi turns his Sharingan on?"
Deidara snorted, a decidedly unfeminine sound. "I'm not. I was lauded by the infiltration experts in Iwa because I never actually used a genjutsu."
Sasori raised an eyebrow. "Then how do you explain the curves, especially at a size like that? I've seen you in hotels; you're not particularly concerned about changing in front of me. I'm certain you've never had any before, so why now?"
Deidara raised a hand to his mouth as he giggled again. "Silly Danna! All I need is a strong corset and some specially molded clay." He bounced for a second. "They look pretty real, don't they, Danna?"
Deidara posed as Sasori stared at him, nonplussed. "…Sure."
"That's great!" Deidara clapped his hands together, and Sasori resisted the urge to smack his forehead.
"OI! BLONDIE! IS BREAKFAST READY?" A loud voice called, accompanied by equally loud footsteps.
"Yes, Hidan!" Deidara yelled back, and then stifled a few giggles as he heard the footsteps stop. He could imagine Hidan gaping in the middle of the hallway at the high-pitched voice that had answered his question.
Footsteps were thundering down the hallway a second later, and Hidan threw the door open. "What the f***?"
Deidara smiled at him and waved him over, acting as if what he was doing was no different from normal. "Would you like some pancakes? I've tried pretty hard on them, but Danna doesn't eat and I refuse to until I'm done cooking, so I haven't had anyone taste test. Try them?" He held up a plate several inches from Hidan's frozen and still gaping mouth, smiling cutely as he did so. "Please?"
"Wha-? Bu-? You…" He trailed off, still gaping. He then shook his head and pointed at Deidara, a scary look in his eyes. "You're a girl?"
Deidara tilted his head to the side and pretended to think. "Well… maybe. I'll explain when everyone's here, okay? Do take a seat, sugar, they'll be a while, and I know you don't want them taking all the food."
He flounced off to work on some more waffles, leaving behind a gaping Jashinist and a plate of food on the table in front of him.
Sasori again had to try very hard to resist the urge to smack his wooden forehead. He succeeded, though barely.
One by one, the rest of the Akatsuki trickled in. One by one, they stared first a Deidara's undeniably female form. One by one, they then stared at Sasori, who was having great trouble with resisting the urge to smash something or smacking his forehead, and had settled for simply pinching the bridge of his nose and breathing deeply as a deterrent from succumbing to the general stupidity of the nearby Akatsuki and his partner's delight in confusing them.
Several, namely Kisame, Zetsu, and Konan, had reacted like Hidan, stumbling and stuttering over themselves as they entered the room, while Pein and Kakuzu simply stared for a few moments before shaking their head and settling down for breakfast.
Itachi, who had come in just a few minutes after Hidan, reacted very differently, because he, along with Hidan later on, was subjected to Deidara's flirting. Words could barely describe how disturbed the poor man was.
"Please, Itachi-kun?" Deidara pleaded with him, holding out a plate with a waffle on it, drizzled in syrup with a slice of butter placed perfectly in the center. Itachi leaned back as Deidara pushed the plate closer again. "Please try it?"
"Brat! Leave him alone. You're about to give him an aneurysm." Sasori did feel bad for Itachi, but not nearly enough to actually get up, or enough to get Deidara to stop crossdressing.
"Maa~, Sasori no Danna, don't be mean!" Crocodile tears began to well up in Deidara's eyes, disturbing everyone even more than they already were. The blonde bomber darted over behind Kisame to 'hide.' He poked his head out and stared at Sasori fearfully. "Kisame-san, Danna's being mean!"
"Er…" Kisame was at a loss of what to do. He looked over at Sasori, who only stared back impassively, and then over at Itachi, who still seemed like he was in shock. He glanced back down at Deidara and reached over to pat Akatsuki's youngest on the head. "I'm, ah, I'm sure he doesn't mean it."
"Really?" Deidara grabbed his hand and held it, eyes shining.
"Yay!" Another squeal, some more hand-clapping, and a shining smile were once again decorating the kitchen as Deidara flounced around.
Deidara spun around and ran up to the counter, shoujo style. "Yes, danna?"
"Everyone's here. Get it over with. I'm tired of this." Sasori and Deidara simply stared heatedly at each other, Deidara pouting and Sasori being his normal woodenly impassive self. Thus did several seconds pass, and then Deidara clapped his hands together cheerily again.
"Okay! Now," He turned on the rest of the Akatsuki. "How many of you a greatly confused right now?"
Sasori was the only one that didn't raise a hand; Kisame raised Itachi's, and Konan had to punch Pein lightly so that he would put his own hand up, but raise his hand he did. Deidara grinned.
"Great! Is there anyone here other than Sasori no Danna who is one hundred percent sure of what my gender actually is?" Deidara chirped.
Not a single hand was raised. Sasori sighed heavily from over in his armchair. "Get on with it, brat."
"Ne~, danna, don't be mean." Deidara chided, receiving a nonplussed stare as his only response. "Well, whatever."
He turned back to his evil comrades. "Thing is, I actually heard you guys discussing my gender a few days ago." Several embarrassed blushes erupted at that. "So I'm going to have some fun with that. At this point, none of you can tell whether I'm a feminine boy pretending to be a girl to mess with you, or a girl that was crossdressing all this time for other reasons and only just decided to trust you enough to reveal herself."
He sighed dreamily and clapped his hands together in front of his chest. "Now, you get to play a game! You have to figure it out on your own! I'm going to pretend to switch genders every three days or so, and that'll be lots of fun. Really, you could have just asked, but I suppose that would have been so much more boring and absolutely droll."
"You're doing all this, dressing up in a Lolita dress, wearing makeup, acting like a ditz, and flirting with the man you've repeatedly tried to kill… all for the sake of your own amusement?" Kakuzu asked incredulously.
Deidara pouted, hands on hips. "The makeup isn't that bad; I wear eyeliner every day. The Lolita dress covers up a lot of skin, so I can cover up where I'm using clay to fake anatomy that I shouldn't have, depending on which one I actually am. Acting like a ditz makes me laugh, and the flirting leads to faces like Itachi's was a few minutes ago!"
He crossed his arms. "Besides, it's fun, and about a third of the missions I was sent on back in Iwa were infiltration missions, where half the time I needed to convincingly cross-dress. I'm used to it, and I find people's reactions hilarious to see."
Kakuzu crossed his arms, eyeing the dress. "…How much did that cost?"
Everyone that bothered to regularly show emotion gaped at him except Deidara, who simply smiled and said, "I made it! So not too much, and I can sell it when this is over, or when I outgrow it, if this little game lasts that long."
Pein finally deigned it time to interrupt after seeing the Ryo signs in Kakuzu's eyes pop up at hearing that Deidara could sew such expensive clothing. "Would you be willing to tell if I ordered you to?"
People tensed up at this, hoping that the insane stunt would be ended. Deidara tilted his head. "Hm… only to you, I guess. I kind of want to keep playing this game, but I guess you should know since you're the leader. Sasori already knows because he's my partner, but whatever." He continued to smile.
Cutely, of course.
Stifled groans made their way around the table, Hidan adding in a few curses as well. Konan spoke up, "Is there nothing we can do to convince you to stop this?"
Deidara shook his head. "Nope! I want to have some fun, and trolling you guys is how I'm going to do it! And if you're wondering about what kind of pronoun to use, then the answer is that I don't really care. Just stick to whichever one I'm pretending to be at the time. It's less confusing that way. Have fun at breakfast!" He skipped away, hand waving. Sasori followed a second later, adding in his own two cents.
"I'm not having anything to do with this, so don't bother asking."
Heads hit the table.
A/N: I've got, like, three different stories in the works that involve Deidara voluntarily and happily crossdressing, several of which I haven't even started. I just imagine him as the kind of guy that likes to mess with peoples' heads like that. And yes, he does look completely like a girl when he crossdresses. It's impossible to tell that he's a guy.