No Malls in Middle Earth: Movie Night Went Wrong

Authors Note: This is my big, clichéd, girl-gets dropped-in-Middle-Earth fanfic. Legomance and movie verse, starts post-Rivendell. Please read and review and tell me what you think!

Disclaimer: Not smart enough to create any stories of my own, so I torture the amazing characters of J.R.R Tolkien instead. Don't actually own them, so don't sue me please!

And now, on with the story!

Ellie Birch pulled her low-cut pink T-shirt over her favorite Abercrombie & Fitch shorts and rolled her eyes.

"What I don't understand is why we have to watch Lord of the Rings. Can't we watch a rom-com or something?" she whined as her little sister Amber entered the room.

Ellie may have been pretty and blonde, but she had the attention span of a two-year-old hyped on sugar. Needless to say, sitting through a three hour movie about some prissy elves and hairy-footed midgets going on a stupid quest wasn't on her list of fun activities. Amber, being the classic braces-wearing, math whiz nerd, liked Lord of the Rings a little bit more than she liked Algebra, which was saying something.

"We're watching Lord of the Rings because it's my birthday, and you have to do what I want. And I want to watch The Fellowship of the Ring." Amber replied to her sister's complaints, rolling her eyes. Ellie sighed dramatically and flopped on Amber's bed. Her eyes found a picture of Elijah Wood and she flipped him off. Amber wasn't amused.

"Hey, be nice to poor Frodo! He carries a heavy burden," she said before gazing dreamily into Elijah's ridiculously blue eyes. Ellie would not go down without a battle.

"I've already watched that millions of times with you. I wanna watch something exciting, not some weird fantasy mumbo jumbo." She complained before getting one of her brilliant ideas. "Hey, why don't we watch Mean Girls?"

"No!" Amber shrieked. "The last time we watched that I had to listen to your stupid references for three hours. Three hours, Ellie!"

"That's no more than the running time of the first Lord of the Rings movie," she pointed out smoothly. Amber rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, but Lord of the Rings is actually good. It is full of deep, philosophical questions about good and evil, right and wrong!" Ellie yawned. "Mean Girls is just stupid."

"It's not stupid!" Ellie exclaimed indignantly. "It's—" she searched for a word to describe the amazing awesomeness of Mean Girls "—Funny! And Regina George is perfect in every way."

"You would idolize Regina George," Amber said with another eye roll. "Since you're a living and breathing reincarnation of her, only stupider."

"Hey, watch it!" snapped Ellie. "And quit rolling your eyes or they'll get stuck that way."

"I rest my case," Amber said smoothly as she popped the disc in. "And don't even think about texting during the movie, missy," she snapped when Ellie reached for her phone. "Do you want popcorn?"

"Nah, too many carbs. You can have some though, it's your birthday after all."

"How are you going to see the movie if you're all the way over there? Come, my child!" Amber patted the spot next to her. Ellie scowled before joining her sister.

"Are you absolutely sure you don't want to go get manis and pedis instead?" she asked in desperation.

"Yes, I'm sure!" exclaimed Amber exasperatedly. "Now sit down and watch the damn movie!"

"Aww, look at my little Amby, all grown up and cussing!" Ellie cooed, patting her little sister on the head.

"Shut up! I want to watch the movie!"

"Alright, alright." Ellie sighed, resigned to her fate, and reluctantly focused her eyes on the movie screen.

Soon enough though, her mind wandered and the characters on the screen became an unimportant blur. When Frodo was being stabbed on Weathertop she was thinking about the $10 off a new bra coupon she had for Victoria's Secret and during The Council of Elrond her thoughts were with her best friend Sandra, her new boyfriend, and the movie they were seeing right now. Finally the screen went black, and Ellie looked up hopefully.

"Is it over?"

"Nope!" Amber replied happily. "That was just the halfway point. Hold on while I put disc two in." Ellie let out a loud groan and swooned dramatically. Amber rolled her eyes.

"Cut it out, you drama queen! It isn't that bad. Isn't Legolas dreamy?'

"Yeah, he is." Ellie agreed, when in truth the only thing she knew about Legolas was that he was an elf. She tried to pay a little more attention to disc two, but to no avail. She was thinking about other things.

Her thoughts were interrupted when the movie suddenly stopped and the screen went blank after the Fellowship began their perilous journey.

"What's going on?" She asked confusedly, but Amber looked just as bewildered as she was.

"I dunno. This never happened before." The blank screen soon became the least of the girls' problems when all the lights went out.

It was dark. Really dark. So dark she couldn't see her own hand two inches from her face.

"Amber? AMBER!" She shrieked in a panic, overcome with worry that she couldn't feel or hear her sister anywhere.

"Calm down, my child, no one wishes to hurt you. You have a destiny you must fulfill in another universe. It is vital to the survival of many worlds."

"Dude," Ellie whispered, "This is some pretty messed up shit. God, a disembodied voice is telling me I have a destiny to fulfill in another universe. That's like some crappy fanfiction plot made up by a crazy fourteen-year-old girl."

The voice didn't answer.

"Hello disembodied voice? Are you there?" Ellie said nervously. Hey, perhaps it wasn't ideal, but talking to disembodied voices was better than being completely alone in the dark. Sure enough, the voice returned, sounding faintly amused this time.

"Soon you will come to this other world. Do not fear, for it may come to pass that you will see your home again. I offer you this warning: Only tell the truth when you are found. Deceit may lead to the downfall of all."

"Hey, wait! Don't I get a say in this?" Ellie exclaimed indignantly. The voice laughed.

No. Go now, for you are needed.

Ellie barely had a chance to call the voice something extremely obscene before she felt her chest constrict. Choking in terror and indignation, she managed to mutter an annoyed "Fuck it" before promptly passing out.