Summary: Sam struggles with things, including his own loss, after losing Dean in a most unexpected turn of events. Lost/Upset!Sam Warning! Spoilers for 07x23: Survival of the Fittest
Tags: This is tagged for the Finale to Season 7, 07x23: Survival of the Fittest.
Spoilers/Warnings: No way around those though I tried not to expand on too much but it does give away things so if you haven't seen it, don't read this!
Disclaimer: I don't own the boys, the show, any mention, etc. This is merely wrote for fan enjoyment.
"Dean. Damn it, damn it, damn it."
The repeating mantra was soft and strained since the voice issuing it had long since worn out after hours of struggling not to lose what control he still had over himself.
Sam Winchester couldn't be sure how long he'd stood in the abandoned lab of SuccorCorp that had been the final stand with Dick Roman and the Leviathans. A good chunk of Sam's still stunned brain was hoping that he'd wake up in the old cabin he and Dean had been using and that they hadn't mounted the attack yet but the more realistic side knew the truth.
He, Dean, and Castiel had come here to deal with Roman. He'd gone to find the missing Prophet, Kevin, while his older brother and the much confused Angel had gone to deal with the head of the Leviathans when Kevin had informed him that they needed to blow up the lab.
Not liking it but accepting the reasons, Sam had taken Kevin to the lab to see Roman with the bone they'd gotten from a long dead nun sticking from his neck. A huge part of Sam knew he should've seen something like this happening. Nothing that ever seemed simple was ever that way with them but usually his brother had a Plan B…or C or some other letter of the alphabet to help get them through it.
"Sonuvabitch!" Sam slammed his fist into the dash of his brother's much beloved 1967 Chevy Impala that he'd managed to get unstuck from the sign out front before any law enforcement showed up then he drove until he couldn't see anymore and was forced to pull off.
Unaware of how much that last curse sounded like Dean, he rubbed his eyes and just kept repeating the same phrase over and over as he relived the very last few moments in the lab and was still trying to figure out where they'd gone wrong.
Dean had stabbed and killed Roman. That should have ended it all and the Winchesters should've been able to chalk up a win in which they'd both walked away in one piece for once but again Sam guessed he should've known it wouldn't be that simple.
He'd caught Dean's eye once toward the end and thought he'd seen a rare look of concern then Roman blew up and when Sam looked again the lab was covered in black goo and empty except for him and Kevin. Both Dean and Castiel appeared to have vanished.
Still not concerned since he'd assumed that Castiel had merely zapped them out of harms way and would reappear shortly, he still recalled the brief burst of panic at not knowing where his brother was but pushed it down…until Crowley showed up to drop the other shoe and Sam's life literally stopped in a way that it hadn't since that one fateful night so long ago.
"Stupid. You were so stupid Winchester," he berated himself bitterly, feeling his stomach heave violently and knew if he'd had anything on it that it would've come up but he did open the Impala's drivers door to be on the safe side since he knew Dean would kill him if the Impala was hurt when he came back.
Came back. Sam had to keep repeating those last two words because he needed to keep believing that he could get his brother back. That he wasn't lost, that Sam wasn't lost without him but the longer it went the harder it was for the younger man to believe that.
Angry, scared, lost, and confused Sam couldn't immediately process what Crowley was saying when he explained the side effect of that bone weapon. Sure, it had killed Roman and beat the Leviathans by sending them back to Purgatory but in doing so it had also taken those who had used it.
What Sam had believed was a harmless and simple plan turned out to be the next best thing to a death trap for his brother because Dean barely survived his time in Hell. If he couldn't find a way to get into Purgatory and fast, he wasn't certain his brother would be alive or sane since he'd seen the monsters that had come from there and now his brother, a human, was trapped there…virtually alone.
Sam knew or suspected that Castiel would be there too but after how the Angel had been acting that didn't give him much hope. So Dean was lost in Purgatory and Sam was lost up on Earth but he wasn't sure which was worse because he knew or hoped that Dean would be alright in the time Sam took to rescue him…but for Sam he hadn't truly been alone since those damn four months that Dean had been in Hell.
"Dean…I'm sorry," he whispered, closing his eyes to avoid seeing his brother in the last few moments in the lab…to avoid seeing the memories that were now beginning to come because now without Lucifer in his mind and his thoughts and mind healed Sam had full memories and emotions back and right then he was being hit from every direction with self doubt, hate at himself for not being closer to the center of the room so that maybe he'd've been dragged in too and guilt and loss. "I'll make this right. Somehow I will get you back."
Not sure what to do or who to turn to a piece of Sam was also upset that he and Dean had lost their only real ally when they'd finally burned Bobby's flask to finally release his spirit. Yes, Sam understood the man's ghost was turning too vengeful but right then he'd've taken a vengeful Bobby to being alone which was something that Sam had never really been very good with.
Pushing both hands back through his hair, he felt like screaming while fighting to figure out what to do since all the people he could've turned to, including Meg, were gone. Sam was well and truly on his on and he was lost.
"Dean, God…help me," even knowing that was impossible given the circumstances Sam still wished for it, he still wished that he could know or guess what his big brother would be doing if roles were reversed. Right then though he was just wishing for something, anything to take the feelings away when he pushed out of the Impala to pop the trunk with shaking hands. "Please be here. Please still be here."
A large part of Sam knew his brother had lost a lot in trust and faith in him during the whole soulless, wall falling, seeing Lucifer, going crazy thing so he wouldn't have been surprised if Dean had tossed it all but as Sam quickly, almost savagely, tore through the trunk in search of the a small box he could feel his heart beating in his ears again and knew he was close to hyperventilating again when his fingers closed on what he'd been searching for.
The small wooden box had been something Sam had picked up at a roadside stand one case he and Dean had done down South and while he briefly wondered if even a Crossroads deal would help considering Crowley's attitude he pushed that aside for the moment to pick up the silver ring and two rubber black bands that were inside.
The ring and one of the bands both had once belonged to Dean and Sam had learned through Bobby that his brother had quit wearing both shortly after Stull. Now, Sam slipped the band that had been his back around his wrist before adding Dean's and closing his fist around the ring, hoping just having these things would give him some sort of support while he worked to make this right but only felt a small relief fill him when his eye caught something else and his breath froze.
"You never found it," he murmured, reaching for the small compartment that housed a few personal things Sam had been certain before he went to meet Lucifer in Detroit that Dean would find what he'd placed inside. Reaching in lightly, he felt warmth as he took the small gold amulet in his hand to recall the night he'd given this to Dean, all the years his brother had worn it and two times he hadn't.
The amulet had been a huge link in their bond ever since Sam had given it to Dean and he recalled the bitter grief the day when he had to take it off Dean after his deal came due and he went to Hell and he recalled the pain in his heart when the fighting and loss of trust had made Dean toss in it a motel trashcan.
Sam had picked it up, praying that one day his brother would want it back and had left it in the Impala for Dean. Now as he held it, he felt warmth and could also feel some of his nerves even off as he slipped it over his head to wear until he got Dean back this time and as he did he thought he felt the feel of strong fingers on his neck in a comforting grip that only he'd recognize and he smiled shakily.
"I'll make it right, Dean," he promised, closing his fist around the amulet then got back in the car when an odd feeling filled him and despite feeling the weight of the amulet he knew how wrong it was to be in this car alone. "I'll take care of the Impala, I won't douche her up while you're…away and I will rip Crowley or someone's throat out until I find a way to get you back. I won't lose you to them."
Taking a shaking breath, Sam reached in the glovebox for a cassette tape and knew without looking which one he'd chosen and forced a shaky life. "Dude, we are so updating this cassette tape collection too when you're back."
Hearing the words 'house rules' repeated in his head Sam closed his eyes to picture his brother as he remembered him and tried to not think on what could be happening to him before he put the Impala in gear, making a mental note to fix the side window and glanced up into the mirror with sad but determined hazel eyes. "Hang on, big brother. You're not lost yet and I will get you back," he vowed, clicking a number on speed dial and holding his breath. "Garth, it's Sam. I need you to meet me. Dean's in trouble and I'm not losing my brother after all this crap."
Glad the little hunter didn't ask any questions yet, Sam shut the phone off and sped off. He needed help besides Garth and in a way it made sense to him. He'd go back to where it started. He'd go back to Lawrence, to where hopefully Missouri could help him find a link to someone who would know of a way to save Dean before they were both lost.The End
Author Note: Yep. Did anyone doubt this one wouldn't lead me into a tag the same night? I won't even say how many might come from this episode since it was both stressful and heart wrenching…especially that ending so enjoy.