Title: Five times the toilets stopped working on the Destiny
Author: Shenandoah Risu
Content Flags: uncooperative potties and Scottish curses
Spoilers: Season 1 "Invasion"
Characters: The Destiny Crew.
Word Count: 891
Summary: "Ninety-nine out of a hundred times, when the toilets stop working around here, that's what's wrong."
Author's Notes: Written for prompt set #148 at the LJ Comm sg1_five_things.
Disclaimer: I don't own SGU. I wouldn't know what to do with it. Now, Young... Young I'd know what to do with. ;-)
Thanks for reading! Feedback = Love. ;-)
Five times the toilets stopped working on the Destiny
Riley gives Brody a countdown while Eli readies the kino.
"Five… four… three… two… one… go!"
Brody clears his throat and pushes the door to the stall open.
"This is how Destiny's toilets work."
He reaches for the flush handle – and nothing happens. The steam-powered commode gurgles, hiccups and falls silent.
"Cut!" Eli yells. "What the hell, Brody? This is the third time!"
Brody looks spooked. "I dunno… you go and try it."
"Fine," Eli huffs and passes the kino remote to Riley. He pushes the handle, and voila, a gust of steam whooshes through the bowl.
Brody rolls his eyes, and Eli grabs the kino remote.
Riley starts his countdown again, Brody goes for the handle, and – nada.
After several more tries Brody swears like a trucker and stomps off, muttering something about them having to find another star for Eli's documentary.
As soon as he's out of earshot Riley collapses in a fit of mirth.
"Oh my stars, that was priceless!"
Eli agrees. "Most useful control function we've found so far. Let's try it with Volker next."
Every time Destiny drops out of FTL travel it's a mad scramble for the bathrooms.
"Why are we doing this, again?"
Volker zips up his pants as Rush shoulders past him into the stall. "Because Destiny shuts off the water for a good while before a stellar scoop, and for several hours afterwards."
"Mmhmm." Volker tucks his shirt in. "Why?"
Rush sighs with relief as little splish-splash noises come from behind the closed door.
"Because if there's a temperature rise due to a weakened shield all our water will evaporate, and…"
A metallic jiggle can be heard, then a muffled "A m gaun'ae chib" follows.
"Whazzat," Volker inquires.
Rush emerges from the stall, a murderous expression on his face.
"She beat me to it again, the sleekit wee basturt."
And he storms past Volker.
"I have got to get myself a translator for the man," Volker shakes his head.
"No, no – you have to add the siphon here, and the elbow joint here," Dunning points out flaws in Brody's still construction. Brody mumbles something rude but he takes Dunning's advice. Nobody messes with the only guy with any plumbing experience on the ship.
While Brody solders and welds, Dunning keeps up a steady lecture on high and low pressure lines, ball cocks, flapper valves, lift rods, trip levers and floaters.
Brody flips up his welding goggles.
"… and yesterday, when the Bridge toilet crapped out on us, that's exactly what was wrong with it."
Brody tries to make affirmative noises and look like has even the tiniest bit of interest in what Dunning is talking about.
"You see," Dunning continues, "ninety-nine out of a hundred times, when the toilets stop working around here, that's what's wrong."
He claps Brody on the shoulder. "Well, there you go. You can fix it yourself now, and you don't have to call me anymore."
That evening, Brody kicks the commode in every place he can find, and he sweats bullets as he desperately tries to recall what Dunning said he should do. Of course he can't call him in now, because Dunning would know he hadn't been listening in the first place.
Kiva has her first serious regrets about her takeover of the ship when nature calls.
"How do these contraptions work," she asks Koz.
The young man reaches for the flush handle and a jet of steam blasts trough the bowl.
Kiva dismisses Koz, drops trou and squats on the loo.
Minutes later she pushes the flush handle – and nothing.
She tries the next three stalls, with the same results.
Swearing to herself she returns to the Gate Room.
Meanwhile Rush and Brody notice a blinking red light on a console in the Control Interface Room. Brody cranes his neck. "What's that?"
Rush zooms in on the display and barks out a laugh.
"Looks like Destiny's own little mutiny against our uninvited guests," he says.
Camile looks up from her desk. There's Dunning, his hands clasped behind his back.
"Yes, Airman? What can I do for you?"
"I believe there's an error on the off-ship crew rotation roster."
"Yes, Ma'am. I was supposed to be on the next team out."
"I made a change, Airman."
"May ask why?"
Camile smiles at him. "Administrative matters. Just so crew sizes remain even."
Dunning looks stricken.
"Anything else, Airman?"
Dunning shakes his head and slouches off.
Minutes later Camile's radio crackles to life.
"Camile? This is Chloe. The toilets on level two aren't working, and I just made a stinky."
"Camile? Ummm… this is Eli. The Apple Core potty just gave up the ghost."
"Camile? This is Young. Dr. Park says the bathroom next to the Bridge is out of order."
"Camile? It's Scott. The toilets by the mess hall won't flush."
"Camile? Lt James here. I think the toilet off hydroponics is down."
Camile growls in frustration, then jumps up and hoofs it down the hallway to catch up with Dunning.
"Oh, Airman Dunning? It seems that was a clerical error. You are on the next away team after all."
Dunning smiles angelically.
"Thank you, Ma'am."
By the time Camile gets back to her desk all the toilets are working again.
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