Title: The Hills Get Spammed
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: the Hills Have Eyes
Pairing: Lizard/Brenda
Lizard cursed Goggle to hell and back again for not doing his damn job. : Co-Written with a Friend :
Word Count: 739
Author's Note: This idea has been flying around in my head for months now and only now have I [finally] written it down. My friend, who I shall call "Apples", helped me with this. Also, please note that this is in no way making fun of anything or anyone's work.
Warnings: Language. Mary-Sue. OOC-ness.
Disclaimer: the Hills Have Eyes and its characters respectfully belong to Alexandre Aja & Wes Craven. We also used the nickname "Blondie" for Brenda which came from the multi-chapter story of Abducted by Berry's Ambitions and Elena Hurley. And we definitely do not own [nor want] Mary-Sue. Thank you.

The Hills Get Spammed

Lizard cursed Goggle to hell and back again for not doing his damn job.

Little does he know that Goggle is going through the same confrontation that he's having, albeit a bit differently. Then again, Goggle – at the moment – wasn't in a relationship (not that he knows of, anyway) and so it's not as if he has anything to worry about should his non-existent girlfriend catch the crazed bitch that was sexually harassing him and mistaking it as anything else but.

Fortunately enough for Lizard, he does have a girlfriend.

And he was trying to be nice (seriously, "nice" was not in his vocabulary but he was making an effort for her) by not killing her yet the more she babbled on the more he just wanted to choke her to death with his spike strip.

That, or connect his fist with her jaw. Because he did promise that he wouldn't kill (but how the fuck did he get roped into that? … Oh, right).

"Oh, Lizard~" The voice, sickly sweet, says in a sing-song kind of tone and it makes him fucking cringe because of it. Cringe. And that's completely out of character for him. Fuck. What the hell? Why couldn't this bimbo wander into Hades' territory? Her giggle sends his skin crawling and he – not so absentmindedly – grips the spike strip a bit tighter. "You're, like, so amazing and hot and incredible. Did you know that?"

… It's clear that it's been said before, but what the fuck? Who did this chick think she was?

It wasn't any of her business, but… "I have a girlfriend." His voice was rough, more so than usual, that told her to back off and leave him alone. Maybe she'd get the hint and leave. But it was doubtful seeing how persistent she was…

She made a face, "You mean Brenda?"

His eyes flashed and it took so much willpower not to rip her head off from the venom she used to ooze out Brenda's name. Who did this little piece of shit think she was? "Yes, I mean Brenda. Why? Gotta problem with that?"

"Of course I do! Don't you see? She doesn't deserve you! She isn't worthy!"

More like he wasn't worthy of her (but there was no way in hell he was going to admit that to this psycho).

"Don't you see, Lizard? You and I are meant to be!"—here Lizard blanched. What?—"We'll make the cutest and kickass couple! Lizard and Mary, more awesome and great than my sister, Sue, and Goggle!" Wait. Goggle was putting up with this psycho's sister? … Did that meant his brother got the least delusional one? "Ooh, can't you see it Lizard?" See what? What was there to see besides the fact that someone was let out of the loony bin? "We were, like, meant to be~!"


Brenda sighed, "Again?"

"It's not like anyone's gonna miss her." And it was the truth – no one was going to miss some crazed, delusional girl named Mary.

"Seriously, where do they all come from? Is there some kind of factory producing them or something?"

"Huh? What'cha mean by that, Blondie?"

Her eyes made contact with his and – from the expression on her face – he knew that he was supposed to find these recent occurrences more odd than originally thought. But it's not like he wanted to attract these crazy bitches. The only one he did want was standing right next to him and he already had her (and she had him, but again that wasn't something he was going to openly admit to the world).

"Lizard, haven't you noticed a pattern here?"


Should he?

"This is the sixth time for the past two weeks that you've killed someone by the name of Mary. Don't you think that's a little bit… odd?"

He shrugged, "The world ought to be thanking me for getting rid of these delusional women."

Boy, did Lizard hit the nail on the head on that one.

Again she sighed. But secretly she couldn't help, but agree with him. Bobby had been there to witness one of the attacks (a "flying glomp", as the second Mary had called it) on Lizard. And if all these women named Mary continued to do this… well… Brenda wouldn't blame her boyfriend for cracking their skulls open.

"Could you at least help Goggle out and save him from the woman called Sue?"