Buffy Vs. Loki: That one time the God of Mischief got beat up by a girl and Tony Stark never let him forget it.
"You are never going to believe this!" Willow's voice came in through the phone mixed with both excitement and fear.
A casual Friday night had begun like any other. A few rounds of patrolling the cemeteries deserved a couple of hours hanging with her friends. It had been a slow night so she sent both Xander and Willow to go on ahead, finishing up the last sweep by herself. Proud of some excellent slay-age and proper decapitation, Buffy headed off to the Bronze. That was when her phone rang.
"You're speaking to the girl whose health teacher turned out to be a praying mantis." Buffy rolled her eyes and scuffed a rock on the pavement out of her way. "This had better be pretty out of this world to surprise me."
There was a pause and Buffy could see Willow frowning. "Well, actually he claims to be from another realm, so technically—,"
Buffy froze in her walk. "What?"
"Maybe I should have started with this first, but Buff, there's some guy here at the Bronze, looking like the higher evolved form of a golden dung beetle, and telling us all we're puny mortals. And now he wants us to kneel. Is this like a fetish thing? Because I feel like I should get a free pass now that I'm in favor of the lady parts."
"Will! What is he doing? Is he hurting anybody?" Buffy started jogging, trying to hear passed Willow for any screaming.
"No. He's just standing up there on stage, waving this giant staff around— hello, overcompensation metaphor— but Mike from third period isn't listening. He's standing up and—,"
There was a loud crash and several screams. Buffy heard Willow gasp and she ran faster. Chaos had officially struck the building.
"Oh my God!" Willow yelped. "He just disintegrated Mike! People are trying to escape but now there's like twenty of him blocking the exits! Buffy, hurry!"
"I'm coming, Willow!" Buffy yelled into the phone. "Listen to him! Do what he says and keep him from hurting anybody!"
She slammed the phone shut and stuffed it into her jacket pocket, hoping she wasn't too late.
Buffy peered through one of the ceiling panels. From the layers of grim and filth, it was obviously no one had been up here to clean them since the building had been erected. But even then, she could make out Sunnydale's latest villain.
I'm pretty sure NASA could see him, with those big ugly horn things. Buffy thought to herself. Willow was right; he was definitely overcompensating for something.
He had his audience on their knees, their pale faces turned up at him in horror. He seemed to be enjoying the fear radiating from them. The corners of his thin mouth were turned up in an eternal smirk, even as he talked. His speech appeared to be reaching a climax. The crowd was becoming nervous, twitchy, shuffling as if in preparation to leap out of the way. He twirled the staff, swinging it from person to person. Buffy caught sight of Willow, glancing around as if in search of her friend.
The blue jewel at the fore-end of the staff began to glow and somewhere down below, a woman screamed. The man's eyes glittered maliciously as he raised the weapon.
"And that's my cue." Buffy stood and ripped off a rusted pipe from the ceiling. With a quick step and a leap, she flipped through the glass, her stylish yet affordable boots breaking through. She heard the familiar buzz of power warming up as she sailed through the air. Below her, more people screaming as shards of glass rained down. Just as her feet hit the billiard table, she crouched low and launched the pipe directly at the staff. The metal connected with the man's hand just as the bolt of light fired. A hanging lamp exploded, the open wires hissing.
The man straightened up, his lips bared back over white teeth. His golden horns gleamed.
"Who dares defy the work of the gods?" He snarled.
Buffy stood up, moonlight spilling down from the broken skylight. She narrowed her eyes at the invader.
"That would be me. The Defy-er of All Well Orchestrated Evil Plans. Or as my teachers say, She Who Deserves Detention."
The man narrowed his eyes at her, his head titling as if not sure what this little creature was.
"I heard you want worshippers." Buffy continued, glaring back at him. "And I'm sorry to say, but that's not going to happen."
The man's features molded into gleeful contempt.
"Oh, really?" He chuckled. "And who is there to say otherwise?"
At that, the man threw back his head in a cold laugh. Buffy couldn't ignore the chill down her spine.
"You?" He cackled. "A small Midgardian child? And a scrawny one at that."
Buffy's mouth dropped. "Excuse me? Scrawny? This is rock-solid muscle here, mister! I work out all the time!"
The man rolled his eyes. He glared at the sea of people. "This is your Savior? This is the one you call on to save you in your time of peril? How truly pathetic you are."
"Look, buddy, there've been things knocking on our doors that have been a lot bigger than you. And I've wiped the floor with their big slimy butts." She bent down and picked up a pool stick. "Personally, when I thought of 'gods' I pictured them with a little less . . . Disney flair. I mean, really, did you piss off the royal armor-maker or did you preorder your Gandalf costume and they threw in shiny head-tusks for free?"
The scepter crackled as the man's anger blazed. "You ought not taunt me again, child." Now she had his full attention.
She slammed the pool cue against her knee. It broke with a resounding snap.
"Okay, fancy pants, here's an offer. You let these people go and you and me go ten-rounds, toe-to-toe, then you can see what this child can do."
The man faced her. They stood twenty feet apart, she on the billiard table and he commanding the stage. She kept a weary eye on the scepter.
He scowled at her.
"Who in the Nine Realms would be a great enough idiot to negotiate with a god?" The scepter hummed. "What are you?"
She twirled the two pieces of the cue stick in her hands, grinning.
"We haven't been properly introduced. I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. And who are you?"
The man's arrogance and pride swelled.
"I am Loki of Asguard and I am burdened with glorious purpose."
Buffy smirked. "Well, you're about to be burdened with my foot up your ass."
She caught only a glimpse of his furious face before she leapt out of the way of the bolt of light. The table burst into flames. People screamed. She bounced off the wall as another bolt followed. It left a scorch mark. Buffy bounded up the stage, dodging a third firing of the scepter. She pushed off the last step, jumped against the wall corner and with the cue pieces swinging down like a baseball bat, she smacked the god into the curtains.
They had only seconds now.
"Willow! Xander!" Buffy yelled into the crowd. "Get these people out of here!"
The man, Loki, snarled as he yanked himself free of the curtains. Somewhere in the fall, the giant antlers had fallen off. Black hair brushed the green cape. The scepter was buzzing and out of rage, he released another bolt. This one was easier to dodge.
Beyond the bright lights of the stage, she heard people scrambling for the exit and above the din, she heard their voices guiding people to safety.
So, damage control dealt with. Big, Ugly and Pissed— eh, not so much.
The scepter fired again, a roar leaving his lips. Buffy rolled, and laying low, she threw one piece directly at his face. Loki knocked it aside, his teeth bared. He shot at her again. This time she leaped forward and in the air, she hurled the second half. Again, he blew it away but didn't expect the fistful of Buffy that immediately collided with his face. He stumbled, his surprise evident.
"You're strong," he chuckled. "Stronger than most Midgardians."
"I'm also a natural blonde and I like shopping on the weekends, but hey let's not get too serious just yet. I was having a lot of fun kicking your ass."
Loki's eyes narrowed as he twirled the scepter. They began pacing each other in circles.
"You think this a game? Perhaps you have yet to make contact with unlimited power."
"Well, my fist made contact with your face. How am I doing so far?"
He lunged out, she ducked. He spun on his heel, his leg swinging over her head. Again, she ducked and kicked his back as he faced away from her. He stumbled but immediately swung back with the scepter. She dodged. She dodged a fist, a kick, a swing, a dive. It was all she could do to keep from being swatted like a fly.
"Where are your quips now, little Slayer?" Loki taunted as he thrust the scepter forward. She dropped to her knees, her head titled back, and the metal grazed her nose.
"Oh, they're here, just a little subdued." She knocked the scepter away and rolling down, she swept his feet out from underneath him. "I could start with the name calling again. Which do you like better? God of Long-Winded Speeches or Loki, Lord of Penis Metaphors?"
He rolled to his feet, a little farther away and without warning, he shot a bolt of light at her. She managed to grab a prop mirror to shield the blow before the bolt slammed into her. It threw her off stage and smashed her against the concrete wall. Her head snapped back on impact and the remains of the mirror crumbled into dust.
Her head was throbbing and something cold like blood trickled down her neck. Loki appeared through the curtains, smirking at her mercilessly as she sat helplessly against the wall. Only a small table separated them now. He casually dropped down from the stage, the scepter and his eyes glowing in the dark.
"And what does the Midgardian Slayer have to say now?"
Buffy rubbed her head, the wound beginning to heal. "She wonders if you're a gopher guy."
Loki cocked his head. "What?"
She kicked the table forward with all her strength. It collided with him, wood spraying everywhere. Buffy hopped to her feet, racing after him and giving two swift punches and a jump-back kick to the face. He flew back on stage. She leapt after him.
"You know, like a wood-chuck. Little thing with big teeth. Wood chuck. Wood chucked. You just got wood chucked at you. It's funnier if you think about it."
"Enough!" He screamed. He stood, his fingers flexing around the scepter. Buffy crossed her arms. "Your strength does not impress me. You are nothing more than a distraction from my purpose."
"And what is that, exactly? I know the usual thought process is level Sunnydale, rule the world, but come on, I was expecting a little more from the god of Ass-Guarding, or whatever."
"In my realm, I was a king. The ruler of all. That is, before my brother decided to claim the throne."
Buffy grinned. "Let me guess. He didn't like what you had done with the palace décor."
Loki scowled, looking away. "He was a fool. He claims to love the humans yet he allows you the continued illusion of free will. He allows you to continue to burn all that you love with petty wars and random acts of violence." Loki narrowed his eyes at her. "He knows not what an overbearing ruler would do to save the humans."
"And the seven billion worshippers would just thank you for the manual labor, heat-stroke and deplorable living conditions?"
Loki shrugged. "The statue I would make them build would be tasteful."
Buffy grimaced. "As tasteful as your headgear? Yikes."
The god paused, as if truly considering whether or not she was worth a fight.
"You do not fear me, do you?"
She shrugged, her hands flopping by her sides. "Maybe it's the feathery hair or obvious acts of desperation but sorry, you just don't do it for me. You're just not my type."
Suddenly, Loki twirled the scepter around his head, bringing it across her face with a sharp crack. Her head reeled. Moving like a snake, he darted around and slipped the scepter around her neck, pinning her against him. The scepter pressed harder into her throat the more she tried to move.
"I think we should change that, don't you agree?" he hissed in her ear.
"Is this the part where you show me a Whole New World?" Buffy groaned.
"This is the part where I drop you from fifty feet in the air onto hard stone. Let's see that silver tongue work then, shall we?"
Without warning, he launched them up through the ceiling of the Bronze, breaking through concrete and glass. The ground was far below them and getting farther away. Buffy felt her heart pounding in her throat. She clasped onto the scepter. He snickered, his breath cold on her skin.
They flew higher and higher until the Bronze was just a twinkle in the sea of lights.
"Frightened yet, Slayer?"
Buffy's teeth chattered in the freezing night air.
"No. I've always wanted to sight-see."
Loki stopped in his upward climb. Sunnydale was nearly unrecognizable beneath them.
"And now your city will be the last sight you ever see."
He drew back the scepter from under her chin, expecting her to fall, but she held on. He scowled, shaking the staff. She dangled in the air.
"You're supposed to let go." Loki said, annoyed.
And then, in what could have been seen as a really stupid thing to do by any normal standards, she kicked his hand. He yelped, fingers pinched, and he let go. And down she fell.
The wind rushed in her ears and her hair snapped behind her as she dropped closer and closer to the ground. She wrapped herself around the scepter.
Please let this be your power-source that you need to survive. Please let this be your power-source that you need to survive. Please let this be your power-source that you need to survive.
"SLAYER!" He snarled from somewhere above her. Buffy closed her eyes, willing herself to block out the fear of approaching death, and listened. When she heard the sharp breath leave his mouth, she twirled around and struck him in the face. Dazed, he started falling too. Buffy grabbed him and threw him under her just as the sign of the Bronze came into clear view. She balled herself up against his solid chest, squishing her eyes together.
Brace for impact.
The pair slammed into the roof of the bronze, concrete ripping out of its place as they slid through like a meteor. Just before reaching the edge of the roof, they somehow came to a stop.
Loki was nearly unconscious. Buffy felt a sprained ankle. She rolled off him, the scepter still in her hands. Dragging herself just for a bit, she stopped at arm's length away and fell to the ground. Definitely a sprained ankle. Maybe a sprained wrist. Everything hurt too much to tell.
Somewhere high above her, she heard the whoosh of a chopper's wings. Fighting to stay conscious, she looked up and saw a massive aircraft floating above her. A black figure leapt from the craft, flying down in a parachute. Another figure— this one flying by the rockets coming from its feet— joined the first on the way down. Soon they both landed and assessed the damage.
"That's definitely him," the one with the parachute said. Maybe it was the concussion talking, but was that guy wearing a Spandex American flag?
"The guy has access to unlimited power and he starts with Sunnydale, California? Doesn't really seem to get the big picture, does he?"
Yep, definite concussion, or brain aneurism— the second guy wore a red suit of metal.
High above them, there was a crack of lightening and Buffy was vaguely aware of a third pair of feet hitting the roof.
"Where is my brother?" A man in a crown of feathers demanded. "What has he done?"
"He's put his plan into full-gear." The Walking Spangled Banner said. "S.H.I. got a sighting of him traveling across the country about two hours ago. They lost track when he entered the city."
"Yes." The feather guy agreed. "This place is full of magic old and your machines are not calibrated to handle that sort of power."
"Well, magic or not, something definitely kicked his ass."
Buffy stood, leaning against the scepter. "That'd be me. The ass kicker. Who's guarding asses?"
The three men turned and stared at her as though she had grown out from the soil.
Buffy sighed, trying very hard to work passed the concussion. "Hello, I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer and I'll be your Savior for this evening."
America-Man frowned. "You're telling me you put Loki, the God of mischief, in a coma?"
Buffy shrugged, then grimaced, the movement painful. "I knocked him out with his own weapon, and then I may or may not have used him as a meat shield when we crashed back to Earth."
The man in the metal suit blinked. "Is it April Fools? Or did I miss the memo for Bring-In-Your-Lightweight-Cheerleader-As-a-Superhero day?"
"A Slayer?" The feathered man asked. He was completely serious. "You're a Vampire Slayer? I have heard of a Slayer. A Midgardian woman possessing great strength and skill. A protector of her people."
"'To stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their numbers', blah, blah. I also make a killer taco."
"Wait, there really is something called a Slayer?" America-man asked. "But she's so tiny."
"And you wonder why you have trouble making friends." The man in the suit rolled his eyes. He stepped forward, extending a giant hand. "I'm Tony Stark, better known as Iron Man. That friendly hunk of nationalism is Steve Rodgers, also seen in the papers as Captain America. And the pro-wrestler with a heart of gold is Thor, god of Thunder and Shakespeare in the Park."
Buffy wearily returned the handshake. "I've already had the pleasure of meeting your sweetheart of a brother, Loki."
Thor frowned. "He will be dealt with, swiftly and justly."
"So you really managed to knock him out?" Steve, Captain America, asked.
"I hit him over the head with this staff thingy. I think it's the source of his power, or something like that." She tossed the staff to Thor. She shrugged at Steve. "I hit him really, really hard if that helps."
"Yes, indeed, Protector of Midgard, it does." Thor bent down and grabbed the back of Loki's cape, dragging him to his feet. He was regaining conscious.
Tony's eyes danced from the nearly unconscious god to Buffy, who was still swaying slightly.
"So, you got your ass kicked by a girl. This is just delightful. If I could tweet about this, I so would."
"Tweet?" Steve frowned. "Is that what birds do?"
"And bored people with too much to say." Buffy muttered. Tony narrowed his eyes at her.
"Come, brother, you are to be returned to Asgard at once."
The four turned as if to leave.
"Asgard?" Buffy asked. "That's the place he kept talking about. And Midgard. Who the hell are you people?"
"We're the Avengers." Steve said, albeit wearily. "Superheroes. Loki's done some pretty bad things and we're here to bring him to justice."
"So you're like intergalactic cops or something? Are the doughnuts on Mars super crispy?"
"We're not space cops!" Tony cried, offended. "We're . . . heroes. It's kind of like what you do, on a bigger scale."
"Hey, I save the world on a daily basis—,"
"And the world thanks you because of it." Tony smiled at her in a horribly condescending way.
"What he means to say," Steve glared at him before extending a card to her, "is that if you can incapacitate Loki, then we'd love to have you on our team. This is the direct line to the Avengers headquarters if you ever want to look us up, or if you're ever in trouble."
There was a fancy logo and a small number at the bottom of the card.
"Aw, and I didn't get anything for you." Buffy shrugged.
"Thank you." Steve said, seriously. Buffy glanced into his soft blue eyes and felt warmth spread on her cheeks. "We'll be in touch."
He turned back to his group. Tony rolled his eyes as he handed Steve a metal belt. He strapped around his waist. With a single button, a jetpack morphed out from the metal.
"We're here for five minutes and you give a girl your number. You're worse than I am."
"Shut up, Tony."
And then the four took off into the sky, back up towards the giant aircraft and disappearing in the night.
Buffy stood there, watching them go. She followed the aircraft until it faded in the blackness.
With a sigh, she turned to head down the fire escape. "Spandex and unresolved sexual tension . . . yeah, Superhero team, my ass."
*A/N I used artistic liberties here and just assumed that Loki, like Thor, can fly. I mean, maybe it's not powered by thunder and lightening, but magic. Whatever. I DO WHAT I WANT.
Love to know what you think of it!