Author's Note: So, this is my second attempt at a humor fic. I got the idea for this a few weeks ago and I finally decided to make it into a one-shot. I hope you enjoy it! Remember that reviews would be greatly appreciated.


Inching out into the asymmetric corridor, the curly haired woman rubbed her tired eyes, the soft material of her nightgown rustling gently at her thigh.

Startled by the loud banging that resounded beneath the lubricant glass floor of the TARDIS control room, River Song's attention turned to her perplexed husband who was entangled below in a bundle of wires.

A pair of ridiculous goggles shielded his eyes as he continued to work diligently, in the process nearly blowing a fuse, much to his wife's annoyance.

"Sweetie, what in the name of sanity do you think you're doing?" Her biting remark caused the raggedy man to suddenly lurch in surprise.

" What? Who-Oh, Good Morning, River. I was just trying to fix the TARDIS, she doesn't seem to be cooperating today." The Doctor defended himself, unable to ignore the redness pouring into his cheeks.

" Well, it sure doesn't look like that to me. You are aware that you may have just nearly caused an explosion, are you not?" River's green-tinged eyes narrowed as she cocked an eyebrow indicatively.

"Don't be ridiculous, River, I have this situation perfectly under contr…"

Several sparks ignited, hushing the man's faulty claim.

"My point, exactly. Now, before you accidently blow a hole in the TARDIS, I suggest you let me help you." Perching her hands on her hips, the Doctor's wife offered the logical solution.

"I assure you, River, I don't need any assistance. I've been flying this TARDIS for seven hundred plus years, so I think I know what I'm doing, thank you very much! Besides, the last time I let anyone help me fix Sexy, your father dropped the thermal couplings…that didn't end well…but, anyway…" His voice trailed off, and he dared not look her directly in the face.

"Fine. Suit yourself, Sweetie. But if you end up blowing up the TARDIS in the process, don't you dare blame me." The curly haired woman huffed, before moving to exit the console room, her bare feet knocking against the reflective surface of the floor.

"Wouldn't dream of it, Dear." The Doctor's muffled reply flooded her ears, as if in an attempt to alleviate the tension between them.

"Stubborn, old man." River muttered barely above a whisper, her tone tinged with a mixture of amusement and irritation.

"Huh? River, did you say something?"

"No, just… thinking…" Shooting her husband a wicked grin, River Song veered out of the control room, before approaching the familiar organic shaped kitchen.

If the Doctor seriously believed that he was getting off that easily, then he was sorely mistaken.


Sorting through a jumbled mess of wires and who-knew-what, the man in the bow tie attempted to make some sort of progress.

Unfortunately, his efforts to do so failed immensely, much to his dismay.

"Come on, it's got to be around here somewhere…all I need to do is put this and that together and it should…"

"Oops!"

The smell of burning metal hastily interrupted his mental thought process.

"Okay, that's bad…very not good…" His wide eyes darted to the frazzled wire butts.

Perhaps it would have served his best interests to heed River's wise offer.

Shuffling back and forth, the man's features scrunched up.

No, no… I can do this on my own. I don't need her help. I've made enough of a fool out of myself already…

The color permeating in his cheeks was sufficient evidence of that.

If he was going to be truly honest with himself, the Doctor had to admit that he was being deliberately difficult.

In his own brilliant mind, he tried to reason that he was best-suited for the job, but the more his thoughts grazed over the subject, the harder it was to ignore the reality of the situation.

Busying his deft hands with the task of untangling the horrendous pile of multi-colored wires, the man in the bow tie willed his brain to focus on the current issue at stake.

I can do this. I can do this. Of course, I can.

But the image of his smirking wife weighed heavy upon him, an unnecessary distraction that he was unable to remove.

Stop it! Stop thinking about that bloody woman! Don't let her make a bigger fool out of you…

He then resumed his mission, his alien mind working to divulge an effective method that would jumpstart his beloved time machine.

Jerking upward, the Doctor was startled by a grudgingly familiar sound, reverberating from the nearby kitchen.

"Sweetie, I'm making some tea, would you like some?" River's sing songy voice caused his pulse to accelerate.

If he had been completely on his guard, perhaps he would have declined, but considering he had already denied her formidable request to aid him, he decided to oblige.

"Tea? Hmmm. Yes, I would very much like a cuppa. Oh, and would you fetch me some Jammie Dodgers, while you're at it, Dear?" Now, he was trying to coddle her, though the period of silence that soon followed revealed that she was extremely unlikely to do the latter.

I probably shouldn't mention the fez…

Attempting to expunge the tantalizing allure of processed food and quirky hats from his mind, the raggedy man pretended to engage himself in more productive pursuits.

That didn't work out too well.


Approximately ten minutes later, River Song entered the control room, her wild curls bouncing loosely on her bare shoulders as the warm mug jiggled in her hand.

It had not been necessary for her to verbally request the Doctor's attention, since the rhythmic click-clacking of her heels fulfilled that objective in a manner of seconds.

She watched bemusedly as the man perched below the glass floor fixated his eyes upon her, obviously recognizing the fact that she had recently dressed herself in a form-fitting crimson dress.

The Doctor gulped, his Adam's apple dropping as he breathed in the sight of his wife.

"Um…" He mumbled quietly, his face flushing against his will.

"So, Sweetie, making progress, I hope?" River's eyes noted the huddled mass that covered his lap.

"Yes…I mean…no…I mean…sort of…"

He's such a rubbish liar.

Ebbing her way down the reflective TARDIS stairs, the archaeologist crouched beneath the TARDIS console.

"Here you go." Her lips tilted upward slightly as she gently handed the dark liquid to her husband.

"Mmm. Tea, I love tea. Thank you, Dear." Relinquishing the cup from River's slender fingers, the Doctor tilted it to his mouth.

One sip was all it took.

"Pfffffffffffffffft…." A series of tiny droplets spewed from his lips, drenching his beloved tweed jacket, and trickling down his chin.

Unable to resist the urge to laugh, River found herself chuckling rather loudly, watching as her husband's forehead convulsed.

"Are you trying to poison me? What the heck is that, River?" His pupils dilated.

"Tea." She smiled devilishly.

"You liar."

" Yes- learned that from the very best…"

"Stop it! Stop looking at me like that! What is this rubbish? Tell me!" He grabbed her wrist, growing angry.

"Black Coffee."

"This isn't black…it's dark brown… nor is it coffee… 'cos coffee's all creamy and sugary…this is nasty and bitter." His hands began to flail around obnoxiously.

"Yes, you idiot, it is coffee…just without the extra ingredients…in its purest form."

"Well, whatever it is, it's dis- gust- ing, and it's all your fault, River, everything, and I really mean that- everything—Thanks to you, I haven't got anything done in the past half an hour because I can't focus on anything besides you…actually that's not what I meant…no, forget that…I did not just say that…ugh…stop smirking…" Scratching his cheek nervously, the Doctor was having a difficult time controlling his tongue.

"I didn't realize I made that sort of impression on you, Sweetie." She winked flirtatiously, her slender hand grasping his, as his entire face grew red with embarrassment and rage.

"Oh, no you don't, River. And will you stop doing that? Don't give me that look! Now, listen, this is serious…it's not a joke, so stop laughing. I mean it! Look at me, just look at me; I've got this brown stuff all over my face and my clothes…all thanks to you, River!" Drawing back, the Doctor was terrified of the strange fire alight in her eyes.

"I think I may know the perfect way to clean you up…"

With that, the curly haired woman quickly brushed her lips against his, in the process removing some of the now-lukewarm coffee from his lips.

At first the Doctor moved about anxiously, his hearts thumping rapidly in his chest, before finally submitting to her embrace.

Her slender hand slipped behind him, and it was then that he pulled back, realizing that this had all been a distraction.

Suddenly, the wheezing TARDIS began to normalize, and the Doctor's telepathic connection with his ship was only conformation of this fact.

"River, what did you do?" The man in the bow tie inquired suspiciously, the coffee incident momentarily rendered unimportant.

"I just fixed her…" Clutching the two recently connected wires, River Song was very amused by her husband's bewilderment.

"But, how?"

"It was quite simple, really, just common sense. All I had to do was connect the thermodynamic wire to the engine router. I did insist that I could help…but you wouldn't listen."

"Oh, don't be silly that was just dumb luck. If you hadn't interrupted me I would have figured that out ages ago." The Doctor was being slightly arrogant, despite knowing full well that his wife could see right through his outrageous claim.

"I don't mean to shatter your pride, Sweetie, but I think we both know that I knew exactly what I was doing. Admit it; you just wanted to impress me, though in actuality your efforts ended up failing atrociously." Looking him straight in the face, River revealed the undeniable truth.

He didn't really have much to say to that.

"I hate you, sometimes." The Doctor finally understood the meaning of what she usually said to him.

"No, you don't." Smiling, River pecked him on the cheek before turning to go up to the TARDIS console area.

For a brief few seconds the bumbling Doctor was silenced, his hearts continuing to pound.

It wasn't until his sensitive ears detected the familiar sound of the organic controls brushing against one another that his eyes darted to the glass floor above him.

"River… what are you doing?" The scrutiny in his tone was extremely obvious.

"Well, after all that we can't have you flying her, now, can we?" River Song chuckled loudly to herself, sending the Doctor's cheeks ablaze.

There was no point in reasoning with her because once River Song had set her mind on something, there was absolutely no way of stopping her.

"Bloody woman. You bloody, mad, impossible woman." Mumbling to himself, the Doctor desperately hoped that River hadn't heard him.

Apparently she had.

"Quite right, Sweetie. I know how much you love that about me…" She cooed with such confidence that he could scarcely breathe.

And if the Doctor was perfectly honest, the worst part about it was that she couldn't have been more right.


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