A/N: I meant to have this up 5 days ago as a surprise present to Crmediagal because it was her birthday, but the Fates laughed at me, made my hand hurt and I was unable to get it done. But hopefully better late than never. So, happy belated birthday, darling! This is for you ;)

Warning: threesome, m/m slash, and a load of snarky, snide exchanges. So if that's your cuppa, please enjoy! And thank you for the reviews! I get a kick out of those enjoying this sordid little tale.

"My poor darling! I should have never left you to these reckless amateurs," Lucius announced that Friday evening as he swept through the Floo and into Severus' chambers in a flash of ornate ebony robes.

Severus, who had been sitting on the bed behind Hermione, scowled at the blond.

"And what the fuck does that mean?" he asked crisply. "If you want to blame anyone, blame Kingsley and the rest of those idiots down at the Ministry. They're at fault for Hermione's injury."

Lucius sniffed, setting down his travelling cloak and walking stick. He then glided over to the bed, wiping a speck of soot off his sleeve before bending down to kiss them both on the lips.

"I didn't mean you, Severus," he amended, gracefully sinking down onto the mattress across from the two."How are you feeling?"

"My ankle is better; Severus helped a lot," Hermione told him, hiding the grin that was surfacing on her lips.

"I'm sure he did," Lucius replied in a suggestive tone, reaching down to trail his fingertips over Hermione's foot. "Draco told me about your little accident. Just say the word if you need me to hex anyone."

"Oh, Lucius," Hermione sighed in slight exasperation, fighting back a giggle when Lucius' fingertip swept her ticklish sole. "Thank you for the offer, but I think it's safe to say that everything is alright. No hexes needed."

Severus had already mentioned something about hexing those responsible for Hermione taking a spill, but she knew to not mention that to Lucius. But saying that he'd helped her a lot that week was an understatement; Hermione barely had to lift a finger whenever Severus was around. The times he'd left her alone in his room, he made sure that there was one house-elf relieved of their school duties, purely to assist her if necessary. Of course, Hermione had continued insisting that she was fine and didn't need help, but conceded when Severus surprised her during the course of the day, finding her perched on her good foot and standing like a flamingo as she perused his shelves.

"Narcissa sends her love, as well," Lucius continued, winking knowingly at Hermione and enjoying the flush that rose to her cheeks. "She wanted me to let you know that if there was anything she could to do help, please let her know."

Immediately, Hermione's mind flashed back to her post-orgasm stupor that had come by way of Narcissa's soft and highly skilled red-painted mouth. The tables had turned in an interesting way after that, and eventually Hermione laughed at the entire situation.

"I'm sure she does," Severus chuckled from behind Hermione, instantly deciphering her silence. "Nice holiday, I presume?"

"It was delightful. I was dragged around, forced to go shopping for things we don't need, and made to carry parcels as if I were a house-elf. Next time you and Hermione should join us, perhaps your presence would curtail Narcissa's shopping habit."

"Oh, yes. I'll just up and take off to go on holiday, leaving Minerva to run the school—again," Severus sniped. "You weren't here to hear that woman's mouth. No, thank you, but I prefer to not be turned into catnip whilst she annihilates me in her Animagus form. I'm rather attached to my balls."

"He exaggerates so much," Lucius whispered conspiratorially to Hermione, who was trying not to laugh at Severus' griping about her previous Head of House. "Now that I'm here, is there anything you need?"

"I was just about to shower," Hermione replied. "And I need to do something with my hair; it's knotty from laying on it all week."

"I can help you with that," he told her, reaching over to pick up one frizzy chunk of curls. "But I think a bath would be better; Severus has a wonderfully large bathtub that would accommodate us all."

"As if Hermione is unable to see clear through your nefarious intentions," Severus announced as he slid off the bed and slid his arms beneath Hermione's body, picking her up and carrying her across the room. "Since a bath is your idea, you can run the water," he told Lucius.

"You know, just once I would like to know how it comes to me always being ordered about," Lucius drawled. He did, however, brush past the two and into the bathroom. Obviously knowing his way around, he turned on the taps and added bubble bath to the running water. The scent of jasmine filled the room, and soon Hermione found herself being undressed by both wizards and helped into the oversized bathtub.

"I see why you're loath to leave your rooms," Hermione told Severus through a sigh as the just hot enough water lapped over her shoulders. "I'd never leave my house if I had a tub like this."

"I'm usually too busy to do more than have a shower," Severus replied, replacing one fallen curl that had worked its way out of the bun atop Hermione's head. He then carefully pulled her to sit between his thighs and slid his arms around her waist beneath the water. "But perhaps I'd be more inclined to use the tub if you were here."

"Do you see that, Hermione?" Lucius asked from across the tub, extending his leg and pressing his toes into Severus' thigh. "I'm not the only one with nefarious intentions. Severus is volunteering to use his tongue as your personal sponge."

Ignoring the blond's chuckling and Severus' cursing, Hermione shook her head and closed her eyes. The unconventional relationship between the three never ceased to amaze her. Yet here she was again, naked, covered in soap bubbles, and sitting between the two older wizards as if it was a normal occurrence. Truly, she had no care in the world, because Severus' chest was quite a comfortable spot for her to rest on, and Lucius had pulled her feet into his lap and was running his hands over her shins.

Between the hot water and the light-hearted yet snarky banter going back and forth over her head, Hermione found herself dozing off.

"I saw your friend in that apothecary you used to visit," Lucius was saying, to which Severus scoffed.

"Sidorov? You know bloody well that idiot is no friend of mine. I couldn't stand him when we were in school and I can't stand him now."

"Severus, surely you're not still hung up on..."


"Severus, that was ages ago! And it's not as if anything happened."

"I know that, Lordly Lucius. But that was purely due to you declining his generous offer of gratuitous sex."

"You sound as if you're jealous."

"Shut up, you bastard. And wipe that smirk off your face."

Flipping his long wet hair out of his face, Lucius made no moves to hide that he found the entire situation amusing.

"You play it so cool at times, I forget about your possessive streak," he commented, ignoring the dark look in his friend's eyes. "But it wasn't only me Sidorov was after; didn't he say something about fancying who he called 'that quiet bloke' I always used to go around with? I think I also remember him saying that you looked like you were the strong yet silent type, and could most likely screw a person senseless."

"Crass little toad of a man; 'senseless' is the perfect word to describe him. You and Narcissa wasted a perfectly good opportunity to invite him for dinner and slip a bit of baneberry onto his plate."

There was another long stretch of silence before Lucius spoke again.

"Remind me to never piss you off. Anyway, what have you been doing to Hermione? The poor girl can barely keep her eyes open."

"Nearly the same thing I did to you that had you practically comatose," Severus shot back, a deep chuckle echoing in his chest a moment later.



"Do I need to send you two to the naughty step again?" Hermione interrupted, sitting up and opening her eyes. "I fall asleep for five minutes and here you two are, going at it."

"Speaking of your little nap," Lucius began with a smirk, arching an eyebrow at Hermione when she splashed bathwater at him. "Oh no, we're supposed to be doing that for you," he continued when she began reaching for the soap, motioning for her to sit back.

"What are you, going to literally wash me?" Hermione asked incredulously. "I need to shave, too; I nearly took the skin off my own legs from the stubble. Are you going to do that as well?"

"If you like."

Lucius wasn't bluffing; Hermione felt a bit silly to allow him and Severus to wash her, but the feeling of having someone else sponging her back and slowly allowing water to run over her skin was quite sensuous. Once they finished taking turns washing one another, Hermione carefully balanced one foot on Lucius' shoulder so he could shave her legs. It took a bit of maneuvering in the water, but he did a better job that she usually did. A bonus was that she didn't have to bend and contort to get to each section.

"What about here?" Lucius asked when he was finished with Hermione legs, brushing one finger across the short curls that had begun to grow back in place between her legs.

"I draw the line there," Hermione told him firmly. "Legs are one thing but that is another; I don't want you cutting me."

"Lucius wouldn't cut you," Severus informed, smirking at Hermione's dubious expression. "He knows how to wield a blade. Believe me, he wouldn't leave you with so much as a nick."

"Of course I wouldn't," Lucius replied haughtily. "Severus let me clean him up a few times but let me know that if I drew blood, he'd hex me. With the bar set so high, I knew better than to allow one drop to fall."

"Oh…alright," Hermione agreed, standing up in the tub. "But how are we going to do this? Where should I—"

"Sit on the edge of the tub," Severus suggested after looking around for a bit. Summoning a towel over and folding it, he placed it on the flat ledge and gestured for Hermione to sit.

"Comfortable?" Lucius asked, waiting until Hermione gave him the okay before moving between her thighs. "Now this shouldn't take long."

Perched with her thighs spread far as possible, Hermione peered down at Lucius as he brought a handful of water up to rewet the area before placing on her a generous amount of shaving foam. A brand new razor was transfigured out of a bath sponge, and she tried not to flinch when the metal touched her skin, and bit down on her lip, anxious for him to take the first swipe.

Little by little, the sharply honed blade moved across her skin, efficiently clearing away each bit of hair. Hermione wasn't shy about having Lucius so closed to her exposed bits; to be embarrassed at this point was futile. However, it was certainly different to have another person shaving her intimate area, but the feel of his elegant, foam-covered fingers carefully pulling and stretching her labia as he worked the blade over each area was sort of arousing. Looking over she saw that Severus was intently watching the entire thing, and a cursory glance down showed the tip of his erection hiding beneath the murky bathwater.

"Severus, are you getting off on this?" Lucius asked calmly as set the razor down and brought up a handful of water to rinse away remnants of shaving foam once Hermione's pussy was completely smooth.

"Perhaps, but I'm not the only one," Severus answered, reaching beneath the water to wrap his hand around his cock. "Don't think I can't see you standing at full attention just because your back is turned."

"I wasn't talking about me," Lucius drawled, smoothing his hands over Hermione's inner thighs and licking his lips as he looked up into her slightly flushed face. "You know who I meant, sarcastic bastard."

Severus shook with silent laughter even as he continued tugging on his cock.

"No, Hermione is," Lucius mused, sliding both hands up and using his thumbs to gently pull apart her labia. "I wonder what she wants—my fingers or tongue?"

"Believe me, I'll not say no to any of it," Hermione answered breathlessly, feeling her heart beginning to race with anticipation.

"I think fingers...for now," Lucius hummed under his breath, bringing down the flat side of his four fingers upon her pussy. Hermione was a bit shocked by the contact, but it didn't hurt. The light slap to her clitoris made her legs quiver and her behind clench. The blond immediately noticed the reaction her body had, and delivered a few more sensuous spanks to the area, causing Hermione to moan quietly while pushing her hips forward.

Never a dull moment with these two, Hermione thought, still reeling from the sensation of having her cunt spanked. It felt naughtily delicious, and she wanted Lucius to keep going. Heat pooled between her legs and the newly shaven area felt puffy, as if all the blood was rushing there. Perhaps it was, because Lucius had licked this thumb and was now running light circles over the hood of her increasingly sensitive clitoris.

"Perhaps you need to be assisted like so more often," Lucius mused as he began playing with her newly shaven folds, gently pinching them together and pulling them completely apart crosswise. "I could play with this pretty cunt of yours all day. She jumps whenever I touch her, did you know?"

Further emphasizing his point, Lucius delivered another round of gentle spanks right at the top of her cleft, purposely avoiding direct contact with her clit. He was right; her core clenched with each strike. Soon Hermione was able to feel its effects all over and she urged Lucius to keep going.

By that time, Hermione was silently thanking whoever had designed the bathroom, because the tub's ledge was big enough for her to completely recline back on, using her elbows for support. One leg was draped over Lucius' shoulder, the other was pushed back, leaving her splayed. Hermione's vantage point allowed her the entire sight of Lucius toying with her, and between that, the spanking and his dirty talk, it was almost enough to send her over.

In the end, all it took was hearing Lucius moaning into her flesh while his warm, slippery tongue swiped over the tortured bud to send her entire core into a furious pulsating. Hermione's hips jerked a few times before her entire body began shaking as she hissed out her pleasure at the unexpectedly fast climax. She barely had time to catch her breath or let her eyes refocus when she felt Lucius move away from her, Severus taking his place. He was so hard that no hands were needed to guide his stiff prick into her clenched and still pulsating channel, and the angle she was lying in allowed him to make direct contact with that sensitive spot on her upper walls.

While he clutched onto Hermione's thighs and fucked her steadily, wringing all sorts of profanities and gasps from the witch, Lucius had reached between Severus' thighs to delicately tug on him balls, causing him to let out a deep groan. Hermione was too busy with being caught in the maelstrom of another impending climax to notice much else, but when she ventured another look down at both wizards, it was plain that Lucius was playing with Severus' arse as he fucked her.

Hermione knew that they would most likely have to shower once they were through, but couldn't be bothered to care. Lucius had summoned a bottle of oil and liberally coated his hands with it, continuing to stroke between the cleft of Severus' behind. A few minutes later, Hermione had no idea how the two wizards both managed, but Lucius' cock took the place of his finger. Whenever he thrust forward, Severus thrust forward, and Hermione felt as if electricity was running through her limbs.

"You like that, don't you," she saw Lucius purr next to Severus' head, his teeth capturing his earlobe as grabbed onto his hips and slid into him at an easy pace, "my cock in your arse with your prick buried in her cunt."

Severus seemed to have lost all capacity for speech, for the look on his face was almost feral, nearly matching the sounds emanating from his chest. Rare was the opportunity where Hermione saw the black-haired wizard losing all control of his senses, and it aroused her to the nines to see him so open and so raw.

Lucius was no better; his fingers were firmly rooted into Severus' skin, and it was clear that the blond was setting the pace for them all. He placed one hand on Severus' back and urged him closer to Hermione, without stopping the slow rolling of his hips. Each time Lucius lunged forward, Hermione could swear that she felt Severus' cock give a twitch of its own as it moved within her.

Water was being splashed everywhere; Hermione was in danger of slipping off the towel whenever Lucius, and in turn, Severus, lunged forward, but none of that was enough to make them stop. Lucius' hips began thrusting unevenly against Severus as he approached climax. At the same time, Severus was literally grinding his hips into Hermione's, causing a delicious friction against her clitoris and g-spot. Her walls were squeezing and clenching on their own accord, and soon Hermione learned that she had the ability to come via penetration but with less stroking and more rubbing.

The towel beneath her became soaking wet, although it had nothing to do with the splashing bathwater. Hermione came long and hard, and by the time the tremors in her body faded, she found that Severus had also reached his peak and was slumped atop her, his face buried between her breasts. Lucius was red-faced and breathing hard, looking as if he was having a hard time standing up.

"If you slip in this tub and crack your head open, I'm going to leave you right here," Severus mumbled to his friend, not bothering to pull his mouth away from Hermione's skin.

"No, we aren't," Hermione chimed in, shifting her head to the side to peer down at Lucius, "but maybe you should sit down."

"I actually think we need to take a second bath," he chuckled, glancing down at his deflated cock that still had a bit of pearly fluid leaking from the tip.

"Only with you two can I get dirty in the bathtub," Hermione pointed out, groaning as Severus helped her to sit up. "You two can keep the tub; I'm using the shower—alone. That way I can actually wash this time. And don't think I've forgotten about you promising to fix my hair," she added to Lucius.

"I keep my promises," he reassured, "now take your shower."

It didn't take long for the three to clean up and return to the bedroom. Lucius kept by his word and Hermione was dressed in a bathrobe, slumped in a chair while the wizard stood behind her, carefully combing out each snarl in her hair. Severus had draped himself across the foot of the bed and surveyed the two with amusement, every so often directing orders to Lucius in doing Hermione's hair.

"Not so rough, you bastard. Are you trying to take her hair out?"

"You can't use a brush on curls, you tit. Hermione doesn't have your stick-straight hair. Use that other comb, and a bit of that lavender water that she likes."

"Would you like to finish this?" Lucius finally asked, pausing with the comb in one hand and a lock of curls in the other as he glared at Severus. "Or shall I?"

"Listen, you snotty fuck, I'm only trying to help you, and make sure that you aren't ripping the hair out of my witch's head."

Lucius rolled his eyes and leaned over to look at Hermione. "I'm not hurting you, darling, am I?"

Hermione had been fighting back laughter the entire time, and covertly wiped the tears from her eyes.

"No, I'm fine," she answered, even though she summoned a small spray bottle that zoomed out of the bathroom. "But Severus has a point about the lavender water; this might make your job easier."

Lucius mouthed a 'fuck you' at Severus from over Hermione's head, making sure that she couldn't see, but he did pluck the bottle of lavender water from her hand and use it on her hair, just as the two suggested.