A/N: Okay so this is my first ever fanfic so please be gentle. Read and enjoy. Another A/N will be at the bottom.
There she lay for the third time this week, in her empty bed within her dull and lifeless apartment wide awake staring at her popcorn ceiling. She remained looking above, tracing its mountains and valleys with her eyes, willing sleep to come. But this being her third night in a row going over the same routine, she knew it wouldn't happen. Because she can't shut her brain down when all it's thinking about is her and the what ifs.
One name runs through her head constantly reminding her of how stupid she is.
A name so pleasantly bland for such a well rounded, perfect person. And she hated her for it.
Because for a woman with a name that seemed so plain, she was actually anything but. Because she had done something Jane has never thought possible. Never once did she think Maura would ever be interested in a woman. And yet now it's something she is blatantly aware of and so angry about.
Because had she known, she would have made it clear long ago that she was in love with her best friend.
And now she sits here a painfully average woman with a bad attitude, a dangerous job and a foul mouth in competition with a well educated, strikingly beautiful, talented, artistic, classy (hell she could go on forever about how perfect this damn woman is and that's the fucking problem) young A.D.A. And it's no wonder she caught Maura's eye. Any straight woman would be interested. And then she thinks back to the word competition and realizes there really isn't any. Because Julia has Maura and Jane isn't even sure if Maura would ever be interested in her…especially when she has her lovely and ever perfect counselor.
Fuck. She is never sleeping.
A sound invades her ears and she realized she has zoned out again, her mind on one person. Honey blonde locks, strikingly sharp, green eyes and a smile that lights up her life. She hadn't even realized until a week after not talking to her, how much she has missed it.
It's been a fucking week?
Why is she such an asshole? Why is she taking this out on Maura? It's not her fault and she doesn't even know why Jane's mad.
Finally recognizing the noise she starts looking for her phone that's usually attached to her at all times, but this time it isn't. Fuck she really is losing it.
"Ah ha" she exclaims, reaching under her sheets to grab the phone. "Rizzoli" she characteristically answers. Listening to the words she has been expecting. There has been a murder and now she has to stop ignoring Maura and actually face her. Fuck she really can't deal with this on only 6 hours of sleep in the past 72 hours. A dead body will not stop Maura Isles from getting everything out in the open.
She can't help it when she thinks back to her last encounter with the doctor.
She knocks on the door of the honey blonde's apartment exhausted from finally closing the triple homicide that had been stumping her and her team for the past 2 weeks. But between Maura and Jane, cases seem to be having a lot higher closing rates lately; Boston Homicide receiving several accolades as a result. There was no doubt they'd solve this one no matter how tough it was.
Thinking back to this week though she couldn't help but notice Maura had been a bit distant. Dreamy almost, like she was in a world of her own. Last time she was like this, Ian was in town. But every time she asked, Maura just brushed her off. They had promised to tell each other everything since Ian, so she just chalked it up to fatigue from the hard case and the three bodies on Maura's tables.
Which is why she sits on Maura's doorstep with the cheapest of Maura's favorite wines and a six-pack of beer in hopes of relaxing with her best friend after the long week.
After three minutes and no answer she begins to worry. Her friend has never not opened the door. Pulling out her phone readying to call Maura and see if she was home and safe, the door finally opens to reveal a slightly disheveled doctor.
After a few seconds of observation Jane finally decides to break the awkward silence.
"Hey Maur. Are you okay? You look a little out of your element." Maura only ever looks like this when- and then realization dawns on her. "You have a hot date over right now don't you." She jabs, smirking and raising an eyebrow while hiding her hurt that Maura is entertaining yet another unworthy male visitor.
When Maura doesn't respond she furrows her eyebrows. "It's not Ian is it? I'm not interrupting am I? Maur I told you to tell me if he came back. I thought we were sharing everything. I can't believ-
"Jane" Maura cuts her off. "It's not Ian…It's. I-Its's someone new I've met."
"Oh" Jane breathes. "Well sorry I interrupted. I just figured you'd tell me you met someone. I hope he treats you right. Maybe I could meet him?" she asks slumping her shoulders. Maura has found someone she cares enough about to hide from Jane and this truly worries her because the last person she hid was the "love of her life."
"Jane I don't think that's a good idea right now." Maura responds.
Jane sighs. "You know I thought we'd been through this. I mean I'm not especially nosey but I'd like to know who's in your life and assess whether or not he's good enough for you. I'm sorry I just want to make sure he's a good guy and worthy of-"
"Jane" Maura interrupts for the second time. "I just-" she pauses and stares at the ground for a few seconds before decidedly collecting herself. She steels herself for what she is about to say and then just blurts "it'sashejane"
Jane just stands there bewildered, the shock evident on her face as her eyes widen and jaw drops. Maura stands there knowing this would happen but Jane has so many thoughts going through her head she doesn't respond. What Maura thinks is shock that she is interested in women is only half of Jane's internal struggle with the news. She can't help but wonder if she ever had a shot and how stupid she feels now for never sharing her feelings with her best friend. Now she stands here in disbelief, her chances out the window. The biggest thing holding her back was the fear Maura had no interest in women and now… she has no idea what to think. She finally collects herself and straightens up to speak.
But the silence is interrupted before she can react by a tall, curvy brunette, with tan skin, plump lips and a face Maura would describe as very symmetrical. The woman makes herself known by clearing her throat and asking in a soft yet slightly hoarse voice If everything is okay.
Maura just nods walks to her and whispers something into her ear. Seconds later the brunette retreats and Maura steps outside shutting the door behind her poised to face Jane.
"So?" Maura drawls out, the doctor uncharacteristically out of words.
"Ummm that was…unexpected." A second passed before she finally just says what's on her chest. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Jane? Do you really have to ask? It's my personal life and I didn't want it to get out just yet…I mean look at the reaction you're having to this news." She shrugs.
"So she is kind of getting serious?"
Maura just stares at her quirking an eyebrow.
"Sorry. I guess it's not really my business but come on Maur! You can tell me anything! You know that. Why hide this? I don't care if you're gay" she responds clearly upset though in her head she just wishes she knew and had been less cowardly in expressing her feelings.
"I'm not gay Jane" Maura bites back.
"What?" Jane just stares at her clearly not understanding. Oh God please don't tell me I've completely misjudged this and made an ass out of myself.
"I'm not gay." Maura says slower like Jane is deaf.
Jane stares at her for a minute somewhat angered at the blonde's tone before finally speaking. "Then what is the meaning of this? Have you found a new best friend Maura?" Jane barks clearly getting angrier now.
"No. We are dating. Her name is Julia Fields. She's one of Boston's new A.D.A.s and she-"
"So then what do you mean you're not gay Maura because I'm pretty sure dating a woman means you're gay." Somewhat taken back at the doctor's conflicting statements.
"Clearly Jane you haven't heard of the LGBTQQIAAP community" Maura responds getting frustrated.
Jane just stares wide eyed so Maura continues. "Sexuality is not as black and white as gay or straight anymore. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Ally, Asexual and Pansexual are all differing sexualities acknowledged in the acronym." The doctor informs her spitting facts like always.
"Okay" Jane sighs. "So what does that make you?"
"Well I'd hardly like to label myself because I truly don't believe sexuality is significant to me. I go by facts and science. I realize I am attracted to people just like others but acknowledge the scientific causes. Meaning pheromones, courtship, facial symmetry and sometimes personally I enjoy a good personality. I hardly look at sex. So I guess I could be labeled as Pansexual in a way." Maura responds in her very scientific tone.
Jane stands there listening and all the thoughts go through her head so fast she can hardly process and separate them.
Maura is gay. Well Pansexual. I'm an idiot. I'm a fucking idiot. Is this even her first girlfriend? She seems to know a lot about this if Julia is her first. Well, wait I mean she knows a lot about everything. Should I ask her though? Is that crossing a line? Wow! Why did I never think that Maura could be gay. Dammit. Shit Fuck Damn. Jane you idiot. You fucking idiot. Could I have had a chance? Could Maura have-
"Jane?" Maura questions interrupting her thoughts
"Right. Look I'm terribly sorry to interrupt. Go enjoy Julia. I will just be on my way." She stares at Maura who looks hurt and decides to add "You could have told me Maur. I love you no matter what" the double meaning dripping as she turns to leave ignoring Maura's pleas for her to wait.
By the time she is done thinking about it she is halfway to the crime scene. That was a week ago and she has been avoiding and ignoring Maura's calls ever since. Dammit. Why did I just walk away like an ass. I should have been a better friend and asked her about Julia.I should have told her I was happy for her and supported her. I shouldn't have fucking ignored her now she will know something is wrong. What the hell am I going to tell her?
A/N: So there you have it. I don't know if I should continue. If this is up to anyone's standards. I haven't written for fun in about 6 years so I hope this was up to par. If you have any suggestions please feel free to leave them. If I continue this is going to be a pretty long fic. I'm on summer vacay for the next 3 months too so expect regular updates. Anyways thanks for reading.
Oh if anyone is interested the story name comes from a Tchaikovsky piece. It's actually quite beautiful if anyone cares to listen. He's my favorite composer. I'm sure most of you know him from the Nutcracker, Swan Lake or the 1812 Overture.