~The Grim Tales of Boni~
Bedtime stories for big boys and girls. WARNING: The author was high while writing this.
Disclaimer: I don't own The Princess and the Pea (original)
The Princess and the Fucking Pea
There was once a prince, and he wanted a princess, but then she must be a real Princess. He travelled right around the world- from kingdom to kingdom, from pubs to pubs, to the Seven Dwarfs' house, to the Tower with no doors, to Evil Stepmother's house, to Saudi Arabia, to the bayou of New Orleans, to the Narcotics-overdosed kingdom, and even under the sea- to find one, but there was always something wrong. There were plenty of princesses, but whether they were real princesses he had great difficulty in discovering; there was always something which was not quite right about them.
So at last he had come home again, and he was very sad because he wanted a real princess so badly.
One evening there was a terrible storm; it thundered and lightninged and the rain poured down in torrents; indeed it was a fearful night.
In the middle of the storm somebody knocked at the town gate, and the old King himself sent to open it.
It was a princess who stood outside, but she was in a terrible state from the rain and the storm. The water streamed out of her hair and her clothes- which sticked to her skin, showing those two little things that the king and the prince will soon be fighting over; it ran in at the top of her shoes and out at the heel, but she said that she was a real princess.
"Well we shall soon see if that is true." thought the old Queen as she jealously eyed the King who was oggling at the lass's wet and transparent clothes, but she said nothing.
She went into the bedroom, took all the bed clothes off and laid a pea on the bedstead: then she took twenty mattresses and piled them on top of the pea, and then twenty feather beds on top of the mattresses. Then in the morning, they are to ask her how she slept.
But, oh, was it terribly bad! As they entered her room at once when the sun has rised, they were greeted by the corpse of the poor princess which laid on the floor beside the bed.
The poor thing must have tossed and turned, fell of the bed and broke her kneck, as she was unable to sleep because of those fucking pea under her twenty mattresses plus twenty feather beds.
They saw at once that she must be a real princess when she had felt the pea through twenty mattresses and twenty feather beds. Nobody but a real princess could have such a delicate skin.
"Now, THAT," said the Queen. "is a real princess."
And so the Prince, greatly frustrated by the unfortunate events, searched for his Princess no more... but looked for a handsome, chivalrous Knight, instead.