This is a meta as I get, and, honestly, I wrote it to amuse myself. I'm poking fun at myself, not at any other fan fiction writers. I repeat, I'm making fun of MYSELF. Okay? So, don't send me hate mail because you think I'm talking about you.
Second of all, I own nothing. Characters belong to Tess Gerritsen, Janet Tamaro, TNT, and the WB
"A third season, really?" Jane plopped down next to Maura, who was focused on the screen of her laptop. "I told Cavanaugh when we agreed to do this stupid 'documentary' that I was only going to be in for a year." She took a swig of her beer, continuing to rant on as she pulled out her phone to flip through her Twitter mentions. "And now we're having to film a third year of this bullshit. I hate this crap, Maura. There are camera people every freaking where all the time. We're constantly tripping over wires and camera crews. Man, even Jo hides when the summer rolls around. This is stupid. Just because Boston PD needs a few extra bucks," she looked over to see her friend still intently staring at her computer screen.
"Hey, are you even listening to me?" She leaned forward to put her beer on Maura's coffee table, mindful to set it on a coaster.
"Yes, I am, but I'm also looking into a rather interesting cultural phenomenon we seem to have become a party to without our knowledge." Maura's eyes finally glanced up from the computer screen. "I don't think you're going to like this, Jane."
"What? One of those crazy fans draw another X-rated picture of us again? We only had about twenty or thirty of those photoshopped things sent to us on Twitter that first season." The detective rolled her eyes. "And I'm always the one who looks scared. What is up with that? I don't even know." She shook her head. "Whatever. What are they doing to us now?"
Narrowing her eyes to give Jane's last comment a moment's thought, Maura shrugged and turned the screen to face the other woman. "This is a site dedicated to fan fiction. Are you familiar with the term?"
"Vaguely," Jane scooted closer to look at the white screen with its large list of blue hyperlinked television show titles. "I thought that was something sci-fi geeks wrote or something, right?"
"Well, yes and no." The doctor made a motion for Jane to turn so they were sitting shoulder to shoulder with the laptop on their legs between them. "The original Star Trek series is credited with making the concept of fan created fiction based a particular show, movie, or novel – and later video games – popular. It was a way to extend the short run of the series, but it was also a way to place the characters the fans enjoyed into situation not likely to actually happen within the realm of the cannon storyline, which is where the term slash fiction originates."
"Do I want to know?" Jane's finger flicked down the long list of show titles, taking note of the light grey numbers in parenthesis next to each hyperlink.
"Slash fiction refers to a pairing. The first slash fiction was Kirk /Spock." Maura began to chew at her lower lip as she waited.
Jane's hand stopped moving as her eye fell upon the title of the documentary they were being force to film for a third season. Then, Maura's comment sank in. "Wait, Kirk and Spock? Like together? As in… in a relationship?"
"That was, and still is, a common way to pair them, yes, though that is not always the case. Sometimes the writers simply want to see them in a sexual situation, which is referred to as smut." Hazel eyes intently watched the woman still looking down at the computer screen.
"Huh," was the only comment Jane cared muster on it. "Hey, what do these little grey numbers mean?"
"That number," Maura pointed to the one next to their show's title, "is the total of stories either completed or in progress by fans written about our show. Right now, we have 2,408 such stories."
Comparing that number next to the majority of the other shows, which had far fewer stories, Jane's eyebrows rose. "Why are we so popular?"
Sidestepping the direct question, Maura answered quietly, "We are filming a third season, Jane."
Jane clicked on their show's title and waited for the page to open. She scrolled, reading the various synopses, eyes growing wider with each passing page. "Ho-ly crap, Maura."
"I told you that you might not like this." The doctor shifted uncomfortably, trying not to upset the computer partially resting on her leg.
Jane's head was slowly shaking back and forth in disbelief. "How many of these have you read?"
"Quite a few. Some are better than others. As you might imagine, there are several different talent levels involved in producing these stories, though there do seem to be some prominent writers within our fandom." Maura winced as Jane's eyes flashed over to give her a hard look. "That's what people who all enjoy the same show call a grouping of them. Geese have a flock. Vampires have a kiss…"
"We have a fandom. Got it." With a heavy sigh, Jane flicked her finger to scroll down yet another page of stories mostly about her and her best friend in not-so-best-friend situations. "You have your iPad handy?"
"Yes, why?" Maura was already standing to retrieve it from the charger on her desk.
"I want to read a few of these, but I don't want to take over your laptop. Can I borrow your iPad?" Jane was already shifting so she could hand the laptop back over and take the offered iPad from Maura. "I think I might also need another beer."
"WHY am I so moody?" Jane was leaned against the sofa's arm, iPad in one hand and her third beer in the other. "I don't get why they all think I'm so indecisive and timid about dating and sex, but you're all gung-ho for it. I don't like that. Also," she looked down at her chest, "my boobs ARE NOT that small. I have a decent sized chest, thank you very much."
"Well, I don't appreciate how they write me as either overly emotional or under emotional or without any real emotions to speak of. I do not cry at the drop of a hat, and the last time you and I slept in the same bed was two years ago, and that's because I accidentally fell asleep there, not because it's our normal behavior." Maura rolled her eyes, swishing her glass of red wine around to let it breathe. "I also don't understand why I always have to be the understanding one whenever you decide to be an ass. I'm forgiving, but I'm not that forgiving."
"Also, my middle name is not Angela. God, if I have to read that one more time… and, no," the detective pointed at her friend, daring her with her eyes, "we will not be discussing what my middle name actually is. I told you that was off limits."
"Fine." Maura smirked but decided not to push. "Don't you find it frustrating that they have us declaring our undying love for each other immediately and then we're suddenly in bed together? I find that highly unrealistic. I mean, first of all," she took a ship of wine, "you don't sleep with people that quickly, and, second of all, neither one of us is that emotionally open. It would take years for me to tell someone I was in love with them like they have me proclaiming my love for you or vice versa."
Jane finished her beer and set it back on the coaster. "You've told me you loved me," she pointed out with a shrug. "In case you forgot about that, there are about 200 stories that reference it."
"Umm-hmmm, and twice as many, at least, that reference you answering the phone with 'Anything you want, I can get it." Maura followed Jane's lead and set her almost empty wine glass on a coaster next to the empty bottle. "What really caught my eye about all of these stories is how many have us in a romantic pairing."
"Or just doing it," Jane added with a snort. "If you were half as good as they think you are, maybe I should flip and try asking you out on a date."
Tilting her head to the side, Maura asked with just a hint of a tease, "What makes you think I'm not?"
"Please!" The detective rolled her eyes. "No one gets the other person off that many times or that mind blowningly well the first time. The first time is always a learning experience. I mean, yeah – sure – eventually a couple might be able to have sex like that, but that shit doesn't just happen."
Unable to resist, Maura demurely pointed out, "Well, they are correct, Jane. I am a medical doctor well versed in the human anatomy and I am female, just like you, which means that a great deal of that learning curve I've already learned."
"I… I…" Jane narrowed her eyes, "I have no idea what to say to that." Moving her hand through the air to dismiss the thought, she said with a sigh, "I hate that you're the one patiently waiting for me to come to my senses in most of these stories. I mean, how do they know it's not the other way around, and why shouldn't it be? I mean, between the two of us, you've dated more men in the past couple of years than I have. If we were talking gay panic, I think there's a better case to be made against you than me."
"Oh, but you're forgetting, I'm supposedly the one who has little to no hang-ups about sex and, therefore, can have sex for the sake of sex, which means I'm not likely to have a gay panic moment." Maura actually snorted. "In reality, I believe we're on equal footing regarding 'gay panic', as it were. My family would have a horrid time dealing with me were I to come to them and inform them I'm dating a woman, and your job would suffer for it, and that is beside the fact that I believe both of us would likely have that actual moment where we told ourselves we couldn't be gay, and tried to find various ways to prove ourselves correct on that thought."
Jane sighed. "I don't know. I mean, I'm not particularly opposed to the idea, but I've never really been interested in dating another woman. I know you know I've been hit on plenty of times by women, and I know you've been hit on plenty of times by women. But… well… Maura, I know why I said no. Why did you?"
"They weren't my type," Maura answered and then rolled her eyes. "That line is never going to die, is it?"
The dark haired woman laughed. "No, I don't think so."
The doctor chuckled. "What I mean to say by that is that, if I'm going to put myself at risk of truly upsetting my family, the woman I went out with would have to be exceptional, and none of them that have actually asked me have fallen into that category. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah, completely. I mean, if I were to go up against Ma's wrath, the Catholic church, and Crowe's crap ass remarks, then the woman I dated would have to be super special to me to begin with before I even thought about asking her out on a date." Jane shrugged. "There's just too much to wager. I get it."
There was a quiet pause as they both thought it over, and it was Maura who asked and Jane who was surprised, "Which fan fiction stereotype do you suppose we should fall into?"
"Well," Jane set the iPad down on the coffee table and sat up, "I'm kind of okay with the idea that we've been dating but without the sex for a while now. That honestly makes a lot of sense."
"It would also meet your requirements for waiting a while before having sex," Maura nodded, closing her laptop and setting on the opposite end of the coffee table from the iPad. "That would also fulfill my apparently large sexual appetite." She couldn't stop the smirk that settled onto her face.
"No," Jane shook her head, "I'm not doing this, Maura. I refuse to be a stereotype. I'm not. I'm just not going to have some sudden epiphany that I've had feelings for you since we met, but I've opposed them because I'm hard headed."
Without a pause, Maura pointed out. "You are hard headed, Jane."
"Yes, true, but that's not the point. The point is that, no matter what we do, it'll fall into line in some badly written fan girl's dream sequence for us, and is that really what you want? I don't want that, and I don't want to have that conversation they all have us having about never NOT being friends and we'll always be there for each other and how we trust each other." The detective crossed her arms.
"I think that's fair. Besides, it could be argued those conversations have already been had for us." Standing, Maura picked up the bottle and glass and moved to the kitchen. "What do you want to do now?"
Jane stood and followed, taking a seat at the island. "Meaning? Like what do I want to do right now, or about our relationship, or about the fan fiction?"
"I actually meant right now, as I'm tired of reading, but, now that you've mentioned it," Maura stopped beside her friend, "what do you want to do about our relationship?"
"Nothing I will say or do here won't sound like a bad piece of fan fiction. It's like, even when I'm trying, some outside force if making me sound like a caricature of myself. This is nuts," she was speaking aloud, and Maura let her, waiting to see what the final outcome would be. "You do realize that if we were something more than best friends, it would completely throw off the executive producer of the show, right? She'd have a fit. You've seen how she edits the show."
"I'm sure she could find a way to creatively edit. There's nothing in our contract that stipulates we cannot be in a relationship with each other. Though, oddly," Maura frowned, "it does specify we can't participate in extreme sports or ride a motorcycle, which, comparatively speaking, is just as dangerous as our jobs tend to be." She shrugged. "I vote we go with the more popular of the written fan fiction options, profess at least our attraction to each other, and spend some time allowing me to show you my skills."
Jane blinked. "Really?"
Maura tilted her head, eyebrow rising. "What is your vote?"
"I… crap… shower first?" Jane slid from the barstool. "That's something else I hate – the lack of practicality. Sometimes, you need to be clean first, and kissing first thing in the morning before you brush your teeth is disgusting, I don't care how much I love you." Jane was already walking to the guest shower.
"Jane," Maura's voice was soft but amused. "First of all, use my shower, it will speed things along. Second of all, you love me?"
"I didn't say that! Don't misquote me." At the amused look from the other woman, the detective stopped on her way to the master suite and looked up at the ceiling as she held her hands out to her sides, palms up. "Okay, whoever you are writing this bad piece of fan fiction, at least do me a favor and don't have Ma walk in on us tomorrow, please? Also, good sex. That's all I'm saying."
"Really, Jane? Don't you think you're being a tad bit silly?" Shaking her head, Maura walked pasted the standing woman. "Come on, we're wasting time we could be having that good sex."
Dark curls bounced as an eager head nodded. Jane waited until Maura was inside her bedroom before she looked up again and whispered, "Thanks."
Thanks for reading! Reviews would be much appreciated.