Disclaimer: I don't own shit.
Welcome everybody! Welcome to the last installment of the "Grapefruits" series! It's been a nice li'l run but all things must come to an end, ya' know? Our favorite wrestling promoter, Vinnie McMahon has taken his love of alcohol and porn to the next LEVEL! And, as voted upon, this will take place during the attitude era…and it will grow to become a crossover, of sorts. Hope you likey!
Ok, the year is 2002, Vince is in his high rise office in sunny Miami, Florida. He calls up 12 of his employees—The nWo ("Hollywood" Hogan/Nash/Hall), Trish Stratus, Eddie and Chavo Guerrero, Team Xtreme (Matt/Jeff Hardy/Lita), and DX (HBK/HHH/X-Pac) and has them seated around his wet bar as he makes himself a martini…
Vince: Ok, you 12 are going to split off…however which way, and get me the latest issue of "Milky Mams" along with a bottle of The Glenlivet! I need one team to go to Japan for this and the other 2 teams should go to London, England and get me the latest edition of "British Bums" and a bottle of Jaegermeister! Any questions?
Eddie: Hey esse…why can't you get that stuff here?
Vince: Well, because I'm a billionaire—and I want to get this stuff internationally. Now you all get going or I'll have your heads! I'm Vince McMahon, dammit! And I like my porn international! Now move your asses!
Hogan: Hold up, brother! What do we get in return? I mean, I'm Hollywood—I need something out of this, dude!"
Vince: Fine, the two winning teams will get to head the inaugural WWE Draft. One team will be acting GM of Raw and the other will be for SmackDown.
(Hogan nods and waves for Hall and Nash to follow him out of the room…)
HBK: Ok cool with me, you guys ready?
(HHH and Xpac nod and head out of Vince's room)
Matt: Hey Lita, Jeff…let's move!
Lita: GO TEAM EXTREME!
(The Hardys and Lita make their way out of the room…)
Trish: Hey Eddie, mind if I tag along with you guys?
Eddie: Hahaha…yeah mami, of COURSE you can!
Chavo: Yeah, let's roll!
(So they leave Vince's office as well and head down to the parking garage, where everyone else is gathered…)
Nash: Ok, ok, ok…who's going to London?
(All the others glance at each other…)
Matt: Ok, we'll go to London!
Lita: Hey Trips, you up for a little competition?
HHH (smirking): Yeah, like you three are ever going to beat US!
Lita: Oh, so is that a challenge, or are you chicken?
(Jeff starts walking around like a chicken as X-Pac smirks a bit)
HHH: Ok bitch, you're on!
(Lita sticks her tongue out menacingly at DX)
HBK: Ok guys, let's get going! Climb in, we gotta' get goin'! The Heart-break kid ain't about to lose out now!
(So DX and the other groups all head toward their respective vehicles…)
Hall: Yo mang, It looks like we're off to Japan, chico.
Hogan: Right brother! We gotta' get moving! We can't lose out to the two gardeners and their resident whore!
(Hall and Nash start laughing…)
Eddie: Hey esse…you got some nerve talking! The rims on my lowrider aren't as shiny as your dome, Hogan!
(Trish and Chavo snicker as Hall and Nash frown…)
Trish: Hahaha…c'mon boys, let's get moving.
The nWo climb in Hogan's car—an orange-tinted Chevy with saggy manboobs.
At the same time, Chavo, Eddie, and Trish get in Eddie's car—a piñata in the shape of a donkey with spinning rims.
Meanwhile, in another part of the garage, DX has found their ride—a short bus with the name "D-X ekspress" spray-painted on the side of it.
Lastly, the Hardys and Lita climb into their car—a table attached to a ladder, which is attached to three chairs, where they sit. (Now, how all of this allows this vehicle to move is beyond me—besides, if you want to keep whatever sanity you may have, you'd likely be better off not asking in the first place.)
[So, it looks like it's Team XTreme vs. DX in London and Los Guerreros with Trish vs. the nWo in Japan!]
Who will be the first to strike? Who will they meet? Will HHH pin anyone while on the open road? Will Jeff meet any men he likes? Will Hogan find a wig? …Or maybe a bra for himself and his car? Will DX learn how to spell? Will the Guerreros ask Trish if she has any Mexican in her? And if they do, which one of them will it be? These and other absurd questions to be answered—or not—next time! And yes, I know that this chapter is short-but it's only the beginning, so patience, people-patience!
Tune in again—same Warrior Place, same Warrior time, same Warrior channel!