Threadbare South Park
Episode #1: "Charlie: The Gender-Confused New Kid"
(TSP Season 1 Episode 1)
NOTE: I do not own South Park, but I wish I did. This piece is an newly revised version of a previously published fanfiction. It is written in the form of a script, contains naughty language, and introduces a surprisingly tolerable original character. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. Enjoy.
ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY PROJECT B...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.
The episode starts with a typical shot of South Park Elementary. Inside, the third grade class crowds around Kenny's desk as he drinks something out of a small can.
CLASS: Chug! Chug! Chug!
Mr. Garrison walks into the room and sets some papers down on his desk.
MR. GARRISON: Okay kids, take your seats.
The class ignores him and continues chanting.
CLASS: Chug! Chug! Chug!
MR. GARRISON: Shut up and take your goddamn seats! And Kenny, throw that in the trash.
The kids scatter to their seats and Kenny walks to the trash.
MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, now before we start our lesson today, we have some exciting news for you! A new student will be joining our class this afternoon!
MR. HAT: That's right Mr. Garrison! Oh boy!
The entire class groans.
MR. GARRISON: Cut that out! And don't interrupt Mr. Hat when he's talking!
KENNY (raising his hand): (Mr. Garrison?)
MR. GARRISON (ignoring Kenny): Go ahead, Mr. Hat.
MR. HAT: Well, our new student is named Charlie Pierzynski. She moved here from Minneapolis.
KYLE (raising his hand): Mr. Garrison? Don't you mean "he"? Charlie is a boy name.
MR. HAT: Kyle, you watch your smart mouth! I'll whoop you if I hear you correcting Mr. Garrison's pronoun usage again, mister, you hear me?
MR. GARRISON: Now, Mr. Hat, let's calm down. Kyle raises a valid point. Now, I'm not sure, Kyle. [He skims through a thin packet of papers.] All I have about the kid are its registration forms, and they say "Charlie" for name and "female" for sex.
The boys in the class snicker.
MR. GARRISON (rolling his eyes): Oh, really, that's very mature, gentlemen.
CARTMAN: Heh-heh… Mr. Garrison… said 'sex'…
KENNY (looking green and woozy): (I think I'm going to be sick, Mr. Garrison!)
MR. GARRISON: That's enough, children! It's time to settle down and start class! [He picks up a piece of chalk and begins to write on the board.] Now, as you all know, children, Zha Zha Gabor had the widest canyon of a vagina the human race has ever seen.
KENNY (waving his hand and covering his mouth with his hand): (MR. GARRISON!)
MR. GARRISON: But Elizabeth Taylor-
STAN: Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON (peering over his shoulder): Yes, Stanley?
STAN: Kenny's gonna throw up.
Kenny vomits blue globs on his desk, then burps and wipes his mouth, looking somewhat disoriented. Mr. Garrison stares at the mess for a moment, then goes to the garbage can.
MR. GARRISON: My God, Kenny! This is paint!
CARTMAN: Oh, how sad… It's all his family can afford.
KENNY (angrily): (Shut up, fat-ass!)
MR. GARRISON: Now, we all know it's true Kenny. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Now go get the janitor to clean that up before we're quarantined. [Kenny gets up and, looking dizzy, teeters from the room. Mr. Garrison turns back to the board.] So as I was saying, Elizabeth Taylor was a pretty filthy slut herself...
The bell rings again; it's the afternoon. Students enter the classroom after lunch. In the front of the room, a new student stands next to Mr. Garrison, staring nervously at Mr. Hat and tapping her knuckles together. She has short brown hair, and she wears a blue jacket, khaki-colored cargo pants, grey gloves, and a turquoise stocking-cap. Between her hair and her clothes, she looks a lot like a boy. She has small scrapes and bruises on her face.
MR. GARRISON: All right class, take your seats! Mr. Hat has a new friend he wants to introduce to you!
MR. HAT: That's right, Mr. Garrison! This is Charlie Pierzynski, your new classmate! Say hello to Charlie, everyone.
CLASS (in a monotone): Hello, Charlie.
MR. GARRISON: Charlie, would you like to tell the class a little bit about yourself?
Charlie looks at the class for a few seconds before responding.
Mr. Garrison lowers Mr. Hat until he is directly in front of Charlie's face. She looks at the puppet almost fearfully.
MR. HAT: Go ahead, Charlie. Don't be shy. Why don't you say a few things about yourself to your new classmates?
Charlie stares at the puppet for a few more seconds, her mouth slightly open, then looks down at her hands.
CHARLIE: I'm Charlie. I'm almost eight-and-a-half.
She looks up at Mr. Hat again.
MR. HAT: Go on.
CHARLIE: ...My favorite color is blue... and I don't have any pets... [She looks up at Mr. Garrison.] I'm done.
MR. GARRISON: [Sigh.] That's good enough, I guess. [To the class.] Now, are there any questions you'd like to ask Charlie? [Stan raises his hand.] Yes Stanley?
STAN: Are you a boy or a girl?
CHARLIE: I'm a girl.
STAN: Then why is your name Charlie?
CHARLIE: It's supposed to be short for Charlotte, I guess.
STAN: [pause] Oh.
MR. GARRISON: Anyone else? Yes, Clyde?
CLYDE: If you're from Minneapolis, then why don't you have a British accent?
CHARLIE: Minneapolis is in the U.S.
CLYDE: No it isn't. It's a town in England. My dad went there once.
KYLE: Minneapolis is in Minnesota, dumbass.
MR. GARRISON: All right, do you kids have any more stupid little questions? Yes, Kenny?
KENNY: (Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but are you a dyke?)
The class laughs, Charlie looks embarrassed, and Mr. Garrison looks angry.
STAN to Kyle: What's a dyke?
KYLE: I dunno. Kenny, what's a dyke?
KENNY: (Dykes are girls who like pussy.)
All three laugh.
MR. GARRISON: Kenny McCormick, where did you learn that kind of language?
MR. GARRISON: Oh. All right then. Um, class, we've got a special surprise for the rest of the afternoon, but before I tell you what it is, is there anyone who'd like to show Charlie around during recess? Anyone? [Cartman forcibly raises Kenny's hand.] All right. Why don't you take that seat next to Kenny, Charlie?
CARTMAN: Heh, heh- Hey! I'm in this seat!
MR. GARRISON: Oh, I forgot all about you, Eric. Well, why don't you go sit over in that seat by Pip?
CARTMAN: Bu- the- wh- Dammit, are you serious?
MR. GARRISON: Right now, Eric.
CARTMAN: But I don't waaannaaaa! Ahhhhhhm!
MR. GARRISON: NOW, Eric.
Cartman grumbles angrily as he moves over to the seat next to Pip. Charlie sits down in his old seat, looking down at her hands.
MR. GARRISON: Now, as a special surprise for the rest of the class, we'll be watching several important episodes of Barnaby Jones. There will be a quiz on this stuff, so pay attention.
The class groans. As soon as Mr. Garrison flicks off the lights, everyone in the class but Charlie puts his head down on his desk. Charlie looks around, then does the same.
It's recess. All of the kids are playing outside. The boys are by the swings.
STAN: No, dude—I was really asleep the whole class.
KYLE: Yeah right. I saw you peeking at the screen. I think you LIKE Barnaby Jones.
STAN: Do not!
KENNY: (Do too!)
STAN: Shut up, Kenny.
CARTMAN: Your impertinent and childish chatter is boring me. Let's play alien invasion.
KYLE: No way dude. We played alien invasion yesterday, and the day before, and the Friday before that.
STAN: Yeah, aren't you getting tired of the same old boring aliens with the same old boring fizzing green blood?
CARTMAN: Dude. You can never get enough of Tralfadorians. They kick ass.
KYLE: Hey, Kenny, aren't you supposed to be showing that new girl around?
CARTMAN (whining): Come ON you guys, I wanna play alien invasion!
KYLE: Shut up, Cartman.
CARTMAN: I'm not talking to you, you ugly Jew!
STAN: Hey, that rhymed! "I'm not talking to you, you ugly Jew."
KENNY: ("I sleep with your sister more often than you!")
Everyone but Kyle laughs.
KYLE: Shut up, Kenny! I don't even have a sister!
Charlie walks up.
CARTMAN (sighing): Well, what do you want?
CHARLIE: The guy with the puppet said the orange kid is supposed to show me where stuff is.
CARTMAN: Kenny doesn't want to show you where stuff is. You got me kicked out of my seat, you little twat. Go stand by the wall like the other new kids.
They all look over at a wall, where two kids, one around kindergartner-sized and one taller than the third graders, are frowning and staring awkwardly at the ground.
CHARLIE: Fine. I don't need his help.
She walks away. A moment later she comes back.
CHARLIE: ...At least I'm not fat.
She walks away again. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny snigger. Cartman looks pissed.
CARTMAN: Hey! I'm not—well at least I'm not a gender-confused new kid! Go… put on a dress and get back in the kitchen where you belong! (To Stan, Kyle, and Kenny) And stop laughing! Let's go play alien invasion.
KYLE: Screw you. I'd rather just show the new kid around.
STAN: Me too. C'mon Kenny. C'mon, fat-ass.
CARTMAN: You guys go ahead and show your retarded little genderless friend around. I'm staying here and playing alien invasion by myself, where I'm ALLOWED to wear impenetrable vests.
STAN: Whatever, dude.
The three walk away. Cartman looks a little bummed.
CARTMAN: Fine. They can just go. I don't need them. Stupid Jew. I am master over this swing; it is my tiny realm. Nobody can touch it. It's mine. And it thinks I'm awesome.
The other three walk over to the bench where Charlie is sitting. She has one sleeve rolled up, revealing a badly bruised arm. She pokes it and winces.
KYLE: Whoa, where'd you—
Charlie yelps and falls off of the bench. The three stare at her as she gets up and quickly rolls down her sleeve.
KYLE: Yeah. Hi. Where'd you get those bruises though, dude?
KYLE: The bruises. All over your arm.
KENNY: (Maybe she likes rough sex.)
CHARLIE: I do not! I just… fell down the stairs.
KYLE: On your arm?
They just stare at her.
CHARLIE: …Also I ran into a table. Really hard. [Pause.] I just fall down a lot.
STAN: Um, okay. Kenny is supposed to show you around though.
CHARLIE: Oh, yeah, well… I'm okay, I think. It's no big deal.
STAN: Okay. C'mon, guys.
STAN: What? She doesn't want us to show her around, so we don't have to show her around.
Meanwhile, Kenny leaves.
KYLE: Well, she's new and everything. She's probably just a little shy.
STAN: I think I'd rather just… [The two look back and see Cartman flopped on top of Kenny, who is brutally kicking his way out.] Never mind.
KYLE to Charlie: Do you want us to show you around?
Charlie smiles slightly and shrugs.
Stan, Kyle, and Charlie walk around the schoolyard.
STAN: That's the swings, and that's the tetherball thing, and that's the jungle gym. And our teacher's name is Mr. Garrison.
CHARLIE: Does he always have a puppet?
STAN: What, Mr. Hat? Yeah, he always has Mr. Hat.
KYLE: And that's Wendy, and that's Bebe, and the fat-ass is Cartman, and I don't know who that is, and that's Pip. His real name's Philip, but everyone calls him Pip, 'cause we hate him.
CHARLIE: Why do you hate him?
KYLE: We just do.
Wendy and Bebe approach the three children.
WENDY: Hi, Stan.
Stan throws up.
KYLE: Hi Wendy. Hi Bebe.
WENDY: Stan, are you done throwing up?
Stan throws up again.
WENDY: Ew, that's gross. Puke is gross. Now are you done throwing up?
STAN: I think so.
WENDY: Can I talk to you?
Stan and Wendy walk away. Bebe smiles at Charlie. Charlie and Kyle glance at each other uncomfortably.
WENDY: Stan, is there a new kid in our class?
STAN: Yeah, weren't you there for the big introduction?
WENDY: No. Bebe's mom took me and her to a hair salon. Do you like my new hair?
She spins around. Her hair looks the same as always.
STAN: Yeah. It's great.
WENDY: But Stan! What's the new kid's name?
WENDY: I love that name! Stan, do you think Charlie would like to go out with Bebe? When she saw him earlier at recess, she said she thought he was cute.
STAN (looking a little disturbed): Um, Wendy, I don't think—
WENDY: Well, Kyle doesn't like her, and she's really sad because I have a boyfriend and she doesn't!
Stan throws up.
WENDY: Ew, gross! Stan, that's gross! But anyway, come on! Go ask Charlie if he likes Bebe!
STAN: Charlie isn't—
They walk back. Bebe is still staring at Charlie, who hasn't said a word. Wendy whispers something to Bebe, who giggles and whispers something back.
WENDY: Charlie, this is Bebe, and I'm Wendy.
WENDY: I'm Stan's girlfriend.
Bebe whispers something to Wendy.
WENDY: My friend Bebe was wondering if—Stan, what's wrong?
Stan is shaking his head vigorously.
STAN: I really don't think you should—
WENDY: Stop being so selfish, Stan! He can do whatever he wants! Charlie, would you like to go out with Bebe?
Charlie doesn't say anything, just opens her mouth in shock. Bebe giggles.
WENDY: It's okay. She thinks you're cute.
Charlie doesn't move.
WENDY: Does that mean yes?
Charlie doesn't move.
WENDY: Yes! This is so exciting! Bebe has a boyfriend!
Bebe runs up and kisses Charlie on the cheek. Charlie appears to be completely petrified. The two girls run off together.
KYLE: Dude! You're going out with Bebe!
Charlie doesn't move.
KYLE: Bebe's a girl!
Charlie doesn't move.
KYLE to Stan: Dude, is she okay?
STAN: I dunno. Should we get her to the nurse?
KYLE: One sec… [He punches one of her arms].
CHARLIE: Ah! Dad! [She notices Kyle and Stan] Ow. What was that for?
KYLE: You're Bebe's boyfriend.
Charlie freezes again.
STAN: Dude? Dude!
Stan punches her other arm.
CHARLIE: Ah! Cut it out!
Kyle punches her arm again.
CHARLIE: I'm awake, I'm awake! God!
KYLE: Just checking.
The boys and Charlie are at Stan's house, in his bedroom. Mrs. Marsh (Sharon) knocks and comes in with cookies.
SHARON: Stan, I think it's so nice that you invited all your little friends over!
STAN: Sure, Mom.
SHARON: And it's so nice that you finally made a new friend! What did you say his name was?
STAN: Charlie. And she's a girl.
SHARON: Of course, sweetheart. Have a nice time, kids!
STAN to Charlie: Sorry about that.
CHARLIE: It's okay. Thanks for inviting me over.
KYLE: It's probably the least he could do considering he let you get together with Bebe.
Downstairs, Sharon approaches Randy, who reads the newspaper on the couch.
Sharon: The boys invited a little lesbian girl over today.
Randy: [Folding the newspaper and smiling up at his wife] Well, that's swell!
Sharon: I'm just so happy our son is so open-minded.
Randy: I guess we did a good job of raising him after all, Sharon. Go us! [High five]
Back in the room...
CARTMAN: Well guys, I'm not entirely convinced that Charlie—IF that is your name—[Charlie looks a little confused] is actually a girl. Maybe he's just pretending 'cause he's gay.
CHARLIE: Am not!
KYLE: Yeah, shut up, fat boy! She's a girl!
CARTMAN (in a teasing voice): Kyle likes Charlie! Kyle likes a boy! Jews are gay!
KYLE: Shut up you stupid piece of shit!
CARTMAN: I'll prove it to you! Charlie, pull down your pants!
CHARLIE: What? No thanks.
CARTMAN: No, seriously! You don't have something to HIDE from us, do you? Like a penis?
CHARLIE: Of course not, I just don't wanna pull down my pants!
KENNY: (That's fucked up, Cartman.)
STAN: Yeah, Cartman! You're a sick pervert!
CARTMAN: Oh yeah? [He leans over and grabs Charlie's pants.]
Charlie kicks Cartman in the face with her other foot. Cartman lets go and moans a little. Suddenly Cartman opens his mouth and spits a load of blood on the floor. Stan runs to the door.
STAN: Mom! Cartman tried to pull down Charlie's pants to see if she had a penis and she kicked him in the face and he puked blood on my carpet!
Sharon hurries into the room. Cartman is moaning pitifully.
CARTMAN: I feel victimized!
SHARON: My God Stanley, they've been over for all of five minutes and this happens!
KYLE: It was Cartman's fault, Mrs. Marsh. He was being a sick pervert and trying to take Charlie's pants off.
SHARON: …Okay… Eric, do you want me to call your mom?
CARTMAN: I'm so abused! What did I do to deserve this?
Sharon leads Cartman out of the room.
SHARON: Stan, if any more of your friends vomit blood on your carpet, you're done playing for the day. Do you understand me?
STAN: Okay, Mom.
The two leave. Cartman can be heard crying for a little while.
STAN: Don't worry about Cartman, Charlie. He's just a douchey little perv.
The four sit in awkward silence for awhile. When does Terrance and Phillip start?
KYLE: Twenty minutes.
STAN: Crap. We have twenty minutes to kill. What do you wanna do, Kenny?
KENNY: (Jack off.)
STAN: That's stupid. That's all you ever wanna do.
KENNY (indignantly): (It's fun!)
KYLE: Well, what do you wanna do, Charlie?
CHARLIE: I dunno… whatever you wanna do.
STAN: What do you wanna do, Kyle?
KYLE: I dunno. It's your house. What do you wanna do?
STAN: This is retarded. Let's go watch the last fifteen minutes of Spongebob before Terrance and Phillip is on.
The four are watching Spongebob on the couch with stony expressions.
SPONGEBOB: Patrick, do you want a Krabby Patty?
SPONGEBOB: Hey, Squidward! How do you like my new pet jellyfish?
SQUIDWARD: [Mumbles angrily.]
MR. KRABS: Money!
KYLE: Dude, this show sucks.
Spongebob ends with everyone laughing stupidly in a circle. Patrick is hitting himself on the head with a rock. All four stare stone-faced at the television.
TV Announcer: And now, the Terrance and Phillip program!
TERRANCE: Well, Phillip, it appears that we are in the Arctic among native Eskimos!
PHILLIP: It sure does Terrance. Hey, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?
Phillip farts. Both of them laugh. The kids laugh.
TERRANCE: That was a good one Phillip!
PHILLIP: Oh look, there is the chief of the tribe! Hello there!
The chief stares solemnly at the pair.
TERRANCE: Eskimo chief? Guess what? There's a magic rock on the ground!
Eskimo chief looks surprised and excited.
TERRANCE: Look closer and you'll be able to see it.
Chief leans down.
TERRANCE: Closer… Closer…
STAN: I know what he's gonna do!
Terrance farts in the chief's face. Chief growls, the two laugh, and the chief starts to laugh too. The four kids laugh.
The show is ending. The four are watching, transfixed, with smiles on their faces.
TERRANCE: Well, Phillip, although we couldn't persuade the Eskimos to convert to Catholicism, at least we got these wonderful jackets made out of whale blubber!
PHILLIP: Help! Mine's on fire! Help me Terrance!
Terrance approaches Phillip, who farts in his face. The End. The four laugh.
STAN: That was sweet!
KENNY: (Those fart jokes never get old!)
KYLE: You got that right, Kenny.
STAN (glancing around): Hey, where's Charlie?
Charlie is running down the stairs from Stan's room, pulling on her coat.
CHARLIE: I forgot I had to be home by four! I live all the way on the other side of town! I've got to go!
STAN: That's where Kenny lives. Maybe his mom could—
KYLE: What was that about?
STAN: I dunno. Maybe her mom's really strict or something.
Suddenly, Charlie opens the door again.
STAN: Right over there.
The three listen to the bathroom door slam, and about five seconds later they hear a flush and a running faucet.
She runs out the front door again.
STAN: What the hell was that?
KYLE: Maybe all girls act like that.
KENNY: (It's probably just PMS.)
The three laugh.
STAN: What's PMS?