Title: Kyouya and the Three Semes
Summary: While walking through the forest, Kyouya finds a house that has no building permit. Intent on doing a little disciplining, Kyouya breaks into the house to bite the residents to death.
A/N: Oh yeah! Fairy tale parodies for the win! I got this idea while watching TV the other day and it reminded me of the webcomic Shounen-Ai Fairy Tales by Devdasi over at SmackJeeves. The first story in the comic was Goldie and the Three Semes where little uke Goldie comes upon a house where three hot semes triplets – Ichirou, Niya, and Mitsu – live. As you might have guessed, I borrowed a few elements from that, but not everything of course. I'm not one to copy stories! Well, not any more at least…
Kyouya is in his late teens (he's legal!) though looks like his middle school self (though perhaps a little taller), Tsuna and Mukuro look like their TYL selves, and Dino looks like his TYA self.
Anyway, happy readings! :3
Warning/s: Slash, OOCs, AU, tiny bit of violence, language, slight breaking the fourth wall
Disclaimer: Don't own KHR, Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Shounen Ai Fairy Tales, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Lord of the Rings, Pinocchio, Snow White, and Animaniacs. Yeah, you'll see soon…
Once upon a time, there was a young man named Hibari Kyouya.
He was quite a handsome man with fair skin, a mop of silky dark hair, cool blue-grey eyes, and a scowl that could make babies cry. He was also known as the most feared man in Namimori who was prone to "biting" people to death when they were breaking the rules or just plain annoying him.
Needless to say, Kyouya was not all that popular.
Anyway, our story starts with Kyouya walking through the forest that covered Mt. Namimori. Why was he there instead of patrolling the town biting rule-breakers to death? Well, he just felt like it. It's not like he ran on a tight schedule. Hibari Kyouya did what he wanted, whenever he wanted, and no one was there to stop him. And even if there was someone to stop him, he'd just bite them to death. Yeah, biting people to death was partly the reason why he was so feared.
So, Kyouya was walking through the forest, minding his own business, when he suddenly came upon a quaint little house. Normally, anyone would have just continued walking, not wanting to intrude on the owner's privacy. However Kyouya was not a normal person (unfortunately for the townsfolk…). With narrowed eyes, Kyouya marched up to the front door of the house and knocked brusquely. Kyouya, being not normal and all, knew every building in Namimori plus enough of their history. He also knew when and if there were any new buildings that were being built and, to his impressive knowledge, there was no mention of a house being built in the forest even though there should have been. So that meant one thing…
The house was illegally built and Kyouya was not having any of it in his city.
When no one answered Kyouya's knocking, he produced his tonfa (his favored weapon and one that nearly every Namimori citizen flinched at when they see it). Taking a step back and tensing his body, Kyouya delivered a swift kick to the door, a kick strong enough to knock the door it off its hinges. As the slab of wood fell to the ground, Kyouya swept his eyes around the interior of the house, taking in everything.
It was a quaint little place, more of a cottage than a house. The first floor was a wide open space that designated the living room with its couches, chairs, and entertainment system. To the side was a counter that separated the kitchen/dining room from the living room. There was a flight of stairs directly opposite the front door, obviously leading to the second floor, and on either side were two other doors, one that led to the back yard and another to a small bathroom. There was a vital piece of information that Kyouya noticed though.
No one was home.
Ah well. He'll just wait there for the residents (the abundance of objects suggested more than one person lived in the house) and then bite them to death once they get there. 'Til then, a little exploration wouldn't hurt. Kyouya needed to know more about these people anyways so he can get a feel for their personas. It was always best to know thy enemy.
Feeling a little peckish, Kyouya went to the kitchen and found three covered trays sitting on the dining table. Kyouya wondered why anyone would leave their meals on the table while they went out but he pushed the thought aside. He didn't care for trivial things such as that.
Kyouya reached out for the first tray and lifted the cover up. He was met with a truly delicious sight; arrange neatly on several plates was a meal fit for a king or at least for a five star restaurant. The food probably had names that Kyouya couldn't even pronounce and it practically glittered in the light. Feeling a little adventurous, Kyouya picked up the fork that was on the tray and took a bite of the meal, only to spit it out in disgust. He glared at the tray as if it was the tray's fault he had to eat something so disgusting and, with his lips curled, Kyouya replaced the cover.
He hated foreign cuisine.
Moving on to the next tray, Kyouya lifted up the cover. He was met with platters of what seemed to be different kinds of cooked insects. Looking suspicious, Kyouya tentatively poked at the nearest insect and was shocked when his actions caused all the creepy crawlies to begin moving and buzzing and crawling about. Seriously freaked out by that, Kyouya slammed the cover on the tray, thankfully preventing the insects from escaping.
He hated insects.
Moving on to the last tray and feeling very apprehensive about what he would find there, Kyouya bent to peek under the cover, hoping that no insects or any other creepy crawly would leap out at his face. When nothing seemed to move beneath the cover, he removed it completely and was immensely glad to see that the meal was all Japanese dishes, still warm from the stove. Sighing in relief, Kyouya sat down, took the pair of chopsticks and began eating.
Japanese was his favorite kind of meal.
Once he finished his meal, Kyouya went to the living to find a place to relax after his long journey up the mountain.
He first approached the lovely yet expensive-looking chaise lounge. It was made of some sort of dark brown wood that shone with varnish and had black leather padding. The backrest was also carved intricately with some sort of coat of arms with curling vines that reached down to the armrest. It was too expensive for Kyouya's taste, but he wasn't one to pass an opportunity. He slumped onto the seat, bringing his feet up along the length of the seat. However it was far too stiff and Kyouya kept sliding about because of the leather. Huffing in irritation, Kyouya got up from the chaise lounge and approached the next seat.
This one was a wooden high back chair, though for some reason Kyouya couldn't discern any design. It was as if the longer he looked at the chair, the more unfocused it got, like some kind of mirage. Frowning, Kyouya reached out to touch the chair, but before his fingers could make contact a great black snake shot out from somewhere, mouth open wide and fangs displayed to bite Kyouya's face. In reflex Kyouya whipped out his tonfa and struck at the snake. His weapon passed through the reptile as if it was just air and instead hit the chair, which fell to the ground with a thud.
Kyouya at least knew one thing; whoever owned that chair and the second meal in the kitchen had some dark sense of humor.
Giving the chair another wary glance, Kyouya took the last remaining seat that looked the most normal of the three. It was a simple forest green armchair that was covered in soft fuzzy material and was quite comfortable. Kyouya nearly sank into the cushion as he sat down, but it was a good feeling. Now, he had to just sit there and wait for whoever lived in the illegal house.
Thirty minutes later, Kyouya was getting more than a little impatient.
He was tapping his finger on the armrest of the comfy armchair, his other hand preoccupied by supporting his chin. Damn, waiting was so boring. How long did he have to do this?
Kyouya's thoughts were interrupted by a large yawn and his blue-grey eyes drooped. Well, it seems our little pseudo-Goldilocks was now quite tired after his little adventures. So, deciding that it was a perfect time for a nap, Kyouya stood up from his seat and trudged up the stairs, intent on finding a good bed to sleep in.
The second floor was, predictably, a hall with closed doors. The first two doors Kyouya opened were the linen closet and bathroom, but the third door revealed a bedroom that looked like it belonged to a five star hotel or in the palace of some extravagant noble. The furniture were all expensive-looking, the décor lavish, and the bed was a four-poster with curtains and a duvet made of what looked and felt like silk. Really, it didn't take a rocket scientist to realize that whoever one of the residents was, he was damn filthy rich.
Approaching the bed, Kyouya pulled back the silk duvet and slid onto the equally silky sheets. It was cold to the touch and took a while to warm up to his body temperature. It was comfortable, he'd give it that, but Kyouya didn't feel comfortable in the expensive bed. The mattress was a bit too stiff, a sign that it was still new, and the silk sheets slid on his skin and clothes unpleasantly. Well, unpleasantly for him anyway.
Scoffing at how the rich waste their money, Kyouya left the room and went to the next closed door in the hallway. He opened it without fanfare, expecting another bedroom where he can test the bed and be disappointed.
He didn't expect to be confronted with a scene from the ocean floor.
Kyouya stared as, beyond the doorway, a group of silvery fish darted by, disturbing a bed of seaweed as it went. It was a couple seconds later that a giant squid curiously approached the portal that was the door, long tentacles flaring out behind it and its two feet long eye with the square pupil staring straight at Kyouya for a moment before it decided that the human looked boring and it moved on.
More than a little stunned (not that he would admit it) Kyouya closed the door and stood there for a second before opening it again.
This time another scene greeted him. It was of prehistoric times when dinosaurs ruled the Earth, insects were as big as a human being, and plants were as bizarre as they looked. As Kyouya watched, a gigantic tyrannosaurus rex crashed into a herd of stegosaurus and practically slaughtered the nearest dino it can latch its jaws upon. It was a horrible sight yet Kyouya could hardly take his eyes away. It was like watching a car crash or a train wreck.
When he noticed that the T-rex – with its bloody snout and teeth – was making its way towards the portal, Kyouya thought it was prudent to close the door before it could reach him. Again, the young disciplinarian stood in front of the door for a few seconds, gathering his wits, before he grabbed the doorknob and practically wrenched the slab of wood open one last time.
Instead of some scene of deep space or a thick jungle or even in the belly of a whale, Kyouya was faced with a wreck of a room that looked like it belonged to an abandoned house. Everything was made of wooden planks, but they were rotted and falling apart with the boarded up window letting little light in, though the flickering light bulb on the ceiling provided sufficient lighting. In the middle of the dilapidated room sat a young girl on a stool. She, unlike her surroundings, looked well-cared for with her red hair tied in two braided pigtails and her flowery dress, though looking outdated, was pressed and clean. The little girl sat with her back to Kyouya and she was practicing her violin, albeit not very well. Kyouya debated on whether or not he should call out to her, but then she stopped playing.
Then her head did a 180 degree turn on her neck to face Kyouya.
And then she roared, her face contorting into something only a demon would look like with her red pigtails flaring out on either side of her like agitated snakes.
Kyouya immediately slammed the door shut. Then, for good measure, he grabbed the chair that was sitting in the hallway for some reason and jammed the backrest under the doorknob before continuing down the hall to the last close door.
He wouldn't admit that the image of that girl scared the fuck out of him. Or at least he wouldn't admit it out loud…
What he saw in the previous room (if it could be called a room) left Kyouya a little apprehensive, but he was smart enough to see the pattern of things that happened throughout his day. So it was little to no hesitation that Kyouya opened the last door and stepped into quite the normal room. There was a bed to the side, a desk, a low table with cushions surrounding it, and a wardrobe. The room looked as if the most mundane and normal person lived in it and that was all fine to Kyouya.
Relieved that he didn't have to face disturbing images at the moment, Kyouya laid down on the bed with a sigh, glad that the covers were cotton and the mattress was well-worn. He felt exhausted and when he closed his eyes, he quickly drifted off to sleep.
As Kyouya as taking a trip to Lala Land, three young men were trudging up the path to the house. One of them looked like he had a fight with a bush, another snickered occasionally as they walked, and the last looked amused but was otherwise quiet.
"You could have helped you know," grumbled Dino, the blond man who was covered in dirt, leaves, and scratches.
"We could have," Tsuna, the brown-haired man, assented with a little smile on his face.
"But it was too funny seeing you fall and get entangled in a rose bush," said the last man, one with long dark hair that was tied at the nape of his neck with a section tied up into a spiky style that resembled a pineapple. His eyes were also bi-colored, the right being a bright red while the left was a calming blue.
Dino huffed and flapped his coat about, dislodging the leaves that were stuck there. "Glad I can be of some entertainment for you two."
Tsuna chuckled unrepentantly. "You have to admit, there is some irony in you still being so clumsy after all these years whereas I grew out of it."
Dino only pouted while Mukuro, the heterochromiatic man, snickered. However his amusement was short-lived when he noticed that the front door to their house was missing. Or rather it was laying flat on the ground.
"Someone broke into the house!" Mukuro exclaimed.
"Aw damn," was Dino's eloquent reply.
Tsuna sighed, as if he knew that was going to happen. "I told you two that we shouldn't have left the house," he grumbled as he stepped inside, his eyes wary. "But nooooo, you didn't want to wait around the house while the food cooled."
To his credit, Dino managed to look sheepish. "We were bored…"
"Even though we have a fully functioning entertainment system at our disposal?"
"Well… sometimes we need to stop and smell the roses, you know!"
"Yes, I understand. Especially since you did more than smell the roses; you practically made love to the bush."
Mukuro couldn't help but snort at Tsuna and Dino's commentary and at the blond's indignant face. He had to admit, though Tsuna had been shy and clumsy as a kid he grew up into a fine, confident young man who knew how to fight his own battles with aplomb and who actually had quite the wit under that shyness. Mukuro himself had been, quite frankly, a nasty little kid. However with Tsuna and Dino around as his friends he worked on his compassion and became quite the charmer.
As for Dino… well, one would say that he was like Tsuna but he grew up in a completely different environment than the other man and was already rather confident in himself at a young age. It was only his extreme clumsiness that he had to get over. And though it seemed annoying at first, Dino's klutzy nature was part of his charm.
"And another thing! Why did we have to leave the house just to wait for the food to cool? It seems a little impractical you know!"
Mukuro and Dino exchanged glanced before looking at a rather irked Tsuna and shrugging. "Felt like we should do it, like some higher power told us to," Dino admitted with Mukuro nodding his agreement. Tsuna sighed in exasperation and resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose like some old man. For the nth time he wondered why he was friends and lived with two weirdos.
"Okay, you two go find whoever broke into our house and make sure he didn't steal our shit," Mukuro spoke up. "In the meantime, I'm hungry so I'm going to eat." He was already heading towards the kitchen as he said that.
"No fair! Don't be a lazy ass!" Dino cried, following the long-haired man.
Tsuna only sighed (he does a lot of sighing when around his friends) and went into the kitchen as well.
What they found there was perhaps a little disturbing.
"Someone's eaten my food!" Dino exclaimed when he uncovered his meal tray and found that someone had taken a bite out of his main dish. And whoever did that spat out the bite too! The nerve! That was good escargot, imported from Paris itself!
"It seems that someone has been digging through my meal as well," Mukuro said after uncovering his own tray. It didn't seem that anyone actually ate anything, but the plates on his tray had been shifted and some insects (not alive and buzzing, thankfully) had transferred from the plate to the tray.
Tsuna, who had uncovered his own tray, stood staring at his empty bowls in dismay. "Someone went through my meal too," he said almost sadly. "And he ate it all! I spent so much time cooking it the same way Kaasan would!"
"Think of it this way," Mukuro said soothingly. "It surely means that he enjoyed your cooking, seeing as he ate it all."
Tsuna pouted, which made him look like a child again, but he accepted the explanation. After all, he was quite the chef.
"Let's go see if this trespasser messed anything else up," Dino grumbled, clearly not over the fact that their mystery trespasser had rejected high-class escargot.
The trio trudged into the living room and almost immediately noticed that everything there was not quite right.
"Someone sat on my chaise!" Dino said, noticed the indent on the leather padding of his chaise lounge and some shoe prints on the far side. "And he didn't even bother to take off his shoes! Now that's just rude..."
"Well someone knocked over my chair," Mukuro stated as he right the fallen chair. It now looked ordinary and was actually just a simple dark wooden chair with an indigo cushion on the seat. "I think that's a little ruder than just leaving footprints on the seat."
Meanwhile, Tsuna went over to his armchair and felt the seat. There was also an indentation on the seat cushion and it still felt warm. "Someone sat in my chair too. And not too long ago," he stated.
Dino looked around the living room, taking in every small detail he could. "It looks like nothing was stolen down here."
"What about upstairs?" Mukuro asked.
"Let's go then." Dino nodded and the three quickly ascended the staircase to the second floor, hoping that their belongings were still intact.
Dino was the first to burst through his bedroom door. A quick scan of the opulent room showed that nothing was out of place except for the covers of his bed, which were pulled back. "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" he said. He also noticed that there were shoeprints on his silk sheets, just like on his chaise downstairs. "Damnit, doesn't this guy know how to take off his shoes before laying down on a bed?"
Mukuro snorted from his position in front of his own bedroom door. He had already removed the chair that was jammed underneath the doorknob. "You barely remember to take of your shoes before going to bed," he said, fiddling with some sort of remote in his hands.
The blond pouted but approached Mukuro anyway. He watched as the heterochromiatic man opened the door and both were met with the sight of a war-ridden Mordor with elves and humans fighting against ass-ugly orcs. Dino's eyes were wide as he watched an orc stab its sword through the torso of a man but the scene soon disappeared at the click of a button, revealing the near complicated array of screens and holographic projectors situated around the inside of the portal.
"You and your holograms," Dino said, sounding both awed and exasperated.
"I know," was Mukuro's smug reply. "Someone must've tried to enter my room as well, seeing as they were activated."
"Well... at least we know nothing was stolen."
Mukuro had just hummed in agreement when Tsuna, who had been quiet for the past minute or so, suddenly spoke up. "Um, guys?" he said, staring almost dazedly into his room from the doorway. "Since someone snuck – or tried to sneak – Into your rooms, I should tell you that someone also snuck into my room." Tsuna paused, most likely for dramatic effect. "And he's still here."
Quick as a blink, Mukuro and Dino rushed to where Tsuna was standing and tried to peek into the room. Their actions caused Tsuna to stumble over his feet and fall to his knees with a hissed curse. However neither of the other men noticed their friend's fall for they were transfixed by the prone figure on Tsuna's bed.
"Oh my..." Dino said breathlessly, his eyes wide.
Mukuro, on the other hand, leered and his eyes took on a darker shade. "Well hellooooo nurse."
Needless to say, they were staring at the sleeping figure of Hibari Kyouya. And when Kyouya was sleeping, he looked absolutely peaceful. And delicious. Very edible, like a slice of chocolate cake. Yum.
"He kinda reminds me of Snow White," Dino whispered, wanting to take a step forward but somehow his body wouldn't comply. "Except for the ruby red lips."
"Hm, I wonder what other part of his body can turn ruby red?" Mukuro said slyly, his leer growing. Dino's face flushed at the hidden meaning in his friend's words. Oh, he can definitely think of a couple parts...
Annoyed that his friends were ignoring him and not wanting to listen to anything else they might say, Tsuna shot up from the floor and whirled towards them, brown eyes narrowed in determination. It was a look that he didn't wear often and when he did, it made him look really sexy. Even Dino and Mukuro could attest to that if the way their pupils grew larger was anything to go by.
"All right, out of my room!" Tsuna cried, hands already pushing his friends out.
"Aww, but Tsuna!" Dino whined.
"You gotta share him!" Mukuro also whined.
"Nope!" Tsuna grinned as he fully pushed his friends out of the room. "He's mine."
Then the door clicked shut.
A/N: And that's where it ends. I know, I know… "What will Tsuna do?" "What will Kyouya do?" "What will Dino and Mukuro do?" Answers to that are… I have no idea. I tried to find a good ending, but all my endings… er… ended up like shit. So, I left it open to your imagination and interpretation. Maybe Tsuna ravished Kyouya (it's not rape if he's willing ;D); maybe Kyouya woke up and tried to bite Tsuna to death, only to get overpowered by Tsuna's awesomeness; maybe they just sat and talked about their lives, YOU DECIDE!
I do have an idea on what Dino and Mukuro will be doing though… standing outside Tsuna's door and trying to listen in on what's going on. XD
So, love it? Hate it? Let me know in a review! A slice of chocolate cake for those who do! :3