This was inspired by the "Sassy Gay Friend" videos on YouTube as well as the SlideshowStarlet's "Dudley Dursley's Sassy Gay Friend" and the sequel "Hogwarts Reads Dudley Dursleys Sassy Gay Friend". May God forgive me for this! LOL
Disclaimer: SGF and HP do not belong to me!
Meet Tom Riddle, from J.K. Rowling's 'Harry Potter' book series. He is about to murder a young girl in the second floor girl's bathroom at Hogwarts to create his first horcrux and begin a downward spiral of death and destruction. This fate could have been avoided if he had a Sassy Gay Friend!
"What are you doing? What, what, what are you doing?" SGF asked.
Sassy Gay Friend Meets Tom Riddle
(cue SGF theme tune)
"Who the bloody hell are you? Oh, nevermind, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that this insignificant little mudblood die so that I may take the first step towards immortality!" Tom replied.
SGF looked at Tom in a flabbergasted way and said, "Okay, seriously? Immortality? Honey, you're just a kid! Yeah, sure, you've got a magic wand that can do all these tricks, and yeah, you're the only remaining decendent of Salazar Slytherin, but that does not entitle you to immortality. Slow down, crazy, slow down."
"I shall do no such thing!" Tom barked out, gazing digustedly at both SGF and the bathroom stall where Myrtle was hiding; still sniffling and completely unaware of what was going on. "From the moment I was conceived, I've never had a choice in my life. I was born to a filthy muggle father who didn't even want me, and a depraved pureblood mother who was so desperate for love, she used magic to force that man to love her! Then, I was forced to grow up in an orphanage surrounded by mindless, witless fools that hated and feared me! Well then, so be it! I shall make this choice, right here and now! Immortality!"
SGF faux-yawned and said, "Okay, are we done with the soap-opera bullshit? Honey, you do have a choice: you can make it MiO! All you've gotta do is take your favorite goblet full of water and just FTS!" As he spoke, SGF pulled out a goblet of water and a MiO capsule, and poured some of the MiO into the goblet. "Just 'Flip it', 'Tip it', and 'Sip it', for a delicious water drink that's just to your taste!"
Tom took the goblet and sipped from it; his cold and hardened expression then softened into a look of child-like glee. "This is delicious! I must have more!"
"Well then, let's go, you stupid bitch! There's loads more upstairs in the Room of Requirement!" SGF said. As he and Tom walked away, SGF looked off into the distance, grinning, and muttered, "He's a stupid bitch."