Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice. Greg Weisman, Brandon Vietti and Cartoon Network do.
Summary: Naturally when Iris and Barry found out Wally Artemis were a couple, they were supportive. Them moving into the same apartment together as soon as they were "of age"? Time for another Talk. Let's not forget that Artemis' side of the family has their own opinions too. Sex ed lectures, death threats, hijinks galore! Spitfire and slight RoyxJade.
Welcome To the Family
When Wally had first announced he was quitting the superhero business, what he was most concerned about was damaging the mentor/protégé bond between him and his uncle. Luckily, Uncle Barry was very understanding on the whole issue. Actually, his dropping out of the Young Justice team and crime-fighting altogether seemed to have lifted a weight from off the shoulders of his entire family he had no idea they had been carrying. He knew his aunt and mother were glad they didn't have to worry about him getting seriously hurt or killed on a mission anymore and that his dad was happy he had decided to attend college. True, Rudolph West also was in denial that his son was going for a Bachelor of Science degree and not a shot for professional football, but he was still a proud papa nonetheless. Upon hearing his nephew's rather startling announcement, Uncle Barry had told him that he understood the double life of a hero was not an easy one, he respected his decision, and that the civilian world did have its allures and rewards.
He still hung out with his teammates whenever they were in civilian incognito, and he kept in touch with his friends from high school as well. All in all, his life was a lot more relaxing and he actually had leisure time to do the fun activities it was taken for granted that people his age engaged in. It was finding time available to spend with his uncle and former teammates in their busy hero schedule that had put a barrier between them.
So when his aunt and uncle called him over one morning for a late brunch, Wally thought nothing of it and looked forward to visiting and them all catching up with what was new in each other's lives.
He hadn't expected to be given the Talk Edition #2 casually served over his egg omelet.
"Wally, I hear that you and Artemis have decided to rent an apartment together," Aunt Iris said cheerfully as she dumped a ladleful of grits on his plate. "I wish you had told us sooner. I hated hearing it from the grapevine. If I had known beforehand, I would have gotten you a better housewarming gift. As it is, take these for now. I think you'll be needing them." Then his aunt dropped a paper bag into his lap.
Wally peeked inside… shrieked, flung the bag away from him as if it had burned his hands and promptly scooted his chair back a couple of feet away to stare in horror at the brightly-colored wrapped condoms that littered the floor upon spilling out.
"Wha-wha… what?" he gasped, his eyes widening to the size of saucers in shock. It took a lot to quench a speedster's appetite, but the he was no longer hungry now. Suddenly, he had a very disturbing suspicion on the real reason for this last minute brunch visitation.
"It's alright, kiddo, you can be square with us. We know," Uncle Barry said clapping his nephew on the shoulder. "I mean, yeah, we would have preferred it if you had broke the news to us yourself instead of Bats adding it in the footnotes of the mission procedure plans he sent to me, but I want you to know we that we do approve of Artemis. She's a nice girl."
Wally didn't bother asking how Batman knew. He wasn't called the World's Greatest Detective for nothing, although he suspected the true informant had been his so-called best friend, Dick Grayson. Traitorous troll, he thought crossly.
"We want you to know we trust you both," Uncle Barry continued on his tirade. "However, have the two of you taken a step back and looked at the message you're presenting to all your younger friends on the team?"
"What exactly are you saying?" Wally asked quirking one eyebrow up. "Are you afraid we'll destroy their delicate sensibilities, me and Artemis living together? It's the modern age, you'd shudder at some of the movie choices Beast Boy tells me they all watch, and I'm not the only person in a relationship with one of their teammates. Nightwing and Batgirl are obviously a thing and no one is ragging on them! And what about M'gann and Lagoon Boy—I heard they're making out practically every time you turn around."
"Yes, well, Nightwing and Batgirl don't live under the same roof, do they?" Uncle Barry coughed into fist.
Wally had to bite back a smirk at that. He had heard enough complaints from Dick over the phone of Batman being overly-protective and emphasizing "keeping it strictly on a professional level" between two of his three protégés. On top of that, Dick's civilian identity had to deal with an irate police Chief Commissioner Jim Gordon on the fact that his daughter was dating, or trying to date a billionaire playboy's son.
"As for M'gann and La'gann," Uncle Barry faltered.
"They both live at Mt. Justice… together," Wally pointed out.
"I'll let Aquaman and Martian Manhunter worry about them," Uncle Barry brushed the two aside quickly. "But you are our nephew and your aunt and I can't help but wonder if you and Artemis fully understand what you're getting yourselves into. I mean…" he trailed off at a loss for words and Aunt Iris helpfully chipped in.
"Wally, using protection is an absolute and foreplay is very important."
"Omigawd!" Wally yelped leaping to his feet, his face flaring so red his freckles blended in. "Okay, we've already gone through the sex ed talk before, remember?" he babbled desperately. "I got it first from Health class in sixth grade, then a particularly painful session from my parents because they didn't feel the school had printed 'an adequate picture'. Then I had to sit down with you, Uncle Barry, when you found out and listen to you ramble on about a 'speedster's unique anatomy' and the dangers and pleasures of 'vibrating' and 'rearranging molecules' and I don't think you could be any more clear on the issue of sex! Do you need me to write an essay? I can so totally write an essay on all of what I recall from memory plus personal experiences!"
Aunt Iris glared disapprovingly at him and pursed her lips into a thin line.
Wally backtracked. "Totally theoretical personal experiences that I have imagined in the depths of my youthful, perverted mind because I haven't actually done it of course because I have respect for women and, and…
"And yet you're moving in with Artemis," Uncle Barry finished for him, crossing his arms.
"We're moving in together," Wally bleated. "It's a mutual thing."
"Do you intend to have sex?"
"What?" Uncle Barry shrugged. "You're a strapping young man brimming with lustful hormonal urges in a healthy relationship with a limber, athletic, nubile young lady and I'm sure you both feel cravings that need to be satisfied. It's perfectly natural."
"AUGH, DON'T SAY ANYTHING ELSE PLEASE!" Wally screamed covering his ears frantically.
"You can't pull the wool over my eyes, kiddo. Girl and boy in committed relationship move into a place together? People will talk and they will usually be right. Why, I remember when your Aunt Iris and were first going out," Uncle Barry remarked fondly as Aunt Iris tittered bashfully. "Whoo, let me tell you, after one hot night, I knew that—"
Artemis was crossing from the hallway into the kitchen when she heard the glass shatter as someone broke through the window of the living room. Her bow and arrows were back in her bedroom and the nearest weapon—two swords hanging in a plague over the couch, more decorations than weapons—was a good ten feet away. A few years off the team and she had let her guard down?
Not traught at all, she thought grabbing up the tall standing lamp and improvising.
The intruder came at her in speed so alarmingly fast she almost mistook them for Wally. It wasn't him though. She duly noted her attacker's jet-black hair in place of the usual red as she brought the lamp down aiming at their head with a swinging blow. The intruder dodged it nimbly, tackling her around the stomach and slamming her to the floor on her back harshly, keeping her pinned there. Artemis ceased her struggling as soon as she felt the tip of sharp steel to her throat.
"It took me approximately 1.39 seconds to disarm and immobilize you," a familiar raspy voice whispered in her ear chidingly. "You're getting sloppy."
"You could have just knocked, Jade," Artemis growled out hoping her blank expression was still intact. Any sign of irritation and her sister would know she had truly won. Getting on her nerves had always been Jade's specialty.
"Like you would have opened the door," Jade smirked pushing up her mask. "Besides, someone has to keep you on your toes."
"I still spar," Artemis said defensively.
"Oh, I bet you do. You and that speedster boyfriend of yours, all the time… in this position!" Jade laughed mockingly.
Alright, that was it. Artemis didn't have time to trade quips with her psychotic sister. She had a freaking ten-page Lit paper due tomorrow! She snapped her head forward and smashed the front of her forehead against Jade's own so fast and hard that stars exploded in front of her eyes.
It succeeded in making Jade roll off her with a pained curse. Artemis tried to crawl away but her head was ringing like someone had struck a gong inside it and the sound was reverberating all across her mind… and Jade… she had always been envious of Jade's excellent recovery time.
A hand came tangling into her hair, yanking her head back painfully. "You always overplay your attacks and do damage to yourself. Still haven't fixed that glaring weakness, have you?" Jade tsked sadly.
"What do you want, Cheshire?" Artemis bit out in frustration.
"Back to costume-names, are we? I'm hurt," Jade clucked. "Especially when I came all this way to visit my little sister and have a Girls' Day Out."
"What narcotic have you been breathing in lately? And where to exactly? The Gun and Knife Show?" Artemis couldn't help sputtering because really the idea of her and Jade bonding sisterly over anything was plain ridiculous.
"Oh, you've reverted back to the bratty, obnoxious, sarcastic side of you I rarely see anymore. Fine," Jade sighed almost despairingly. "I tried playing nice."
"This…" Artemis surveyed a few minutes later as Jade tied the finishing knots into the ropes that bound her to the chair at the dining table. "Is you being nice?" she asked incredulously.
"Of course, I'm doing you a favor," Jade replied as she turned to the stove and started boiling water in the tea kettle.
"You call this a favor?" Artemis said wriggling as best as she could, but the ropes held firm.
"Well, Dad wanted to come over and do the honors of giving you the Talk himself, but I generously offered my services in his stead. I figured he might lose his cool and accidentally 'take out' that darling redheaded idiot you're hopelessly besotted with. So, really, you should be thanking me," Jade said opening the door to the freezer and taking out a tray of ice. Then in a highly uncharacteristic show of concern, she filled a Ziploc bag with a handful of cubes and plopped it on top of the lump that was throbbing on Artemis' skull.
"Feel free to take offense at this," Artemis said slowly. "But your whole 'looking out for my well-being'…is starting to weird me out. A lot."
Jade pulled out two teacups and set them down on the table. "Let's just say that over the past few months I have been getting in touch with a feminine side of myself I never knew existed," she cackled as if privy to an inside joke. "Now," she said briskly dumping some tea leaves into the bottom of the cups and pouring the boiling water over them. "Let's have a little chat, you and I. Girl talk."
"Are you serious?" Artemis choked. It was laughable what Jade had just suggested. She had never been one to discuss hair products and makeovers. It had always been weapon strategies and battle tactics that had filled the conversational gap between them. The only time Jade 'beautified' herself was if she was going undercover on a mission. "You want to talk about nail polish and makeup?"
"No, no, no, don't think me as shallow as that," Jade corrected taking a sip of her tea. Setting her cup down, she leaned forward on one elbow and with a twisted, diabolic grin said, "Did you know there are fifty different techniques to stimulate a man's sexual prowess in the bedroom, but you only need to master five moves to render him completely at your mercy and dominate him?"
Artemis' eyes widened in horror as she realized the true reason for Jade's unexpected visit: a crash course in sexual education filled with advice for her and Wally's activities.
She screamed as loud as her lung capacity allowed, but then Jade gagged her.
Then her sister had the gall to smirk and say "Oh, yes, this is a technique you can use. It's one of my favorites."
Night was falling by the time Wally staggered through the front door of the apartment red-faced and eyes glazed over.
"Artemis? Babe?" he called out hoarsely as he dragged himself inside. "Sorry I'm late for dinner, but you wouldn't believe what I've been through today."
It was dark in the kitchen so Wally switched on the light. As his eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness, he blinked at the sight in front of him: Artemis tied to her chair with rope, a melting ice bag on her head and sock gag in her mouth glaring daggers heatedly at him.
He had her unbound and the gag out in seconds, courtesy of his super speed. "Babe, what happened? Are you hurt?" he asked anxiously. "Who did this?"
"Jade thought she'd drop by for a familial visit and decided to give me the Talk on dating speedsters, the repercussions of lying down with the enemy—literally—aka heroes. She gave me enough bedroom tips to last three lifetimes, then she force-fed me tea while she jabbered on forever about how pathetically addicted, obsessed and devoted us Crock sisters find ourselves to bumbling redheads," Artemis explained in a breathless rush. "But enough about my day. I don't want to bore you. How'd yours go?"
Wally stared at her for a couple of seconds. "Well, I was going to whine about Uncle Barry lecturing me for hours on end about the importance of protection and how Aunt Iris kept emphasizing on foreplay and afterglow cuddling, and how now I'm scarred for life because I had to listen when they started throwing in examples from their own love escapades, but I think your day might win over mine."
"Mmm, they might be even on the horror scale. Oh, that's for you by the way," Artemis pointed at the scroll of white parchment pinned to the tabletop with one of Jade's twin sai that she always carried on her.
Wally bent over to read the message out loud that was scribbled in large, angry black-inked calligraphy. "Break my little girl's heart, you carrot-top, airheaded lecherous buffoon, and I will hunt you down and chop off the protruding body part you think with. P.S. It's not your head. Sportsmaster. Oh, well, it looks like we have your dad's approval at least," Wally said scratching the back of his head. "I think."
"You know, I get the feeling everyone is not cool about us deciding to move in with each other," Artemis declared.
"Oh, come on, you're imagining things, babe," Wally protested quickly. "The older generation just doesn't know how to embrace modernism. They all still living in antiquity." His cell phone went off in his pocket with a small chime indicating someone had sent him a text. Pulling it out, he glanced at the message and grimaced.
"What?" Artemis asked.
"Ugh, my mother just texted me, that's all," Wally sighed pocketing the cell phone again.
"Aren't you going to reply?"
"Heck no. First of all, I'm not even sure what she said. She uses atrocious net-lingo and misspells chat-speech all the time. I'm assuming she found about us living together somehow and is all emotional. I'll talk to her later after she's eaten a whole gallon of ice cream to calm down."
The phone on the wall started ringing persistently until Artemis walked over and picked it up against her better judgment. "Hello? Yes, he's here," she said after a few moments before handing it over to Wally.
"Dad?" Wally yelped when his father's gruff voice sounded in his ears.
"Why haven't you texted your mother back?" Rudolph West demanded lividly. "You know she doesn't know how to use that modern techno junk, but she learned it just for you! She even had that nice eight-year old neighbor girl next door show her how to use the internet so she could join facebook and friend you! She had to learn about your 'in a relationship' status there! How do you think that made her feel? Are you that ashamed of us to not introduce your parents to your girlfriend? It's like when you became Kid Flash. We were the last ones to hear the news. The entire league knew about you except us! Why, Wally, when will you stop shutting us out from your life? When is the deceit going to end, son?"
Wally covered the receiver with one hand and hissed out a desperate "Help me…" through his teeth to Artemis.
"Hold on," Artemis said sitting down in front of her laptop that was open on the living room coffee table. "Mom just sent me an email demanding to know what I was thinking moving in with a guy at such a young age. FYI, she's on her way here to 'kick a speedster's ass'. I think she's serious. We'd better go stay someplace else tonight. She had turbo-jet engines and a laser gun installed in her wheelchair."
"AUGH, FUCK THIS!" Wally finally exploded in a burst of rage, hanging up on his father abruptly. "FINE, EVERYONE'S SO CONCERNED ABOUT US NOT BEING SMART, LET'S GET SMART! HOLD ONTO ME, BABE!" he cried sweeping Artemis up in his arms. "WE'RE GOING TO VEGAS!"
"TO DO THE RIGHT THING!"
A few hours later found the two former heroes standing in the waiting room of one of the multiple chapels in the neon-lit city.
"So, we're getting married?" Artemis asked casually. Nothing her boyfriend did surprised her anymore. "Really loved the proposal speech and ring, Baywatch."
"Arty, babe, I'm so sorry!" Wally gushed, gripping her hands tenderly in his own. "Everyone just wouldn't leave us alone! I do want to be with you forever! And if this is the only way to show people I'm head over heels and serious about you; that I can't stand the thought of you being with anyone else but me, then by golly, I'll do it!"
"Well, we have been together for five years," Artemis drawled out pretending to think about it. "And since I'm sure I'll never find anyone else that knows me the way you do and doesn't care about my past, odd hobbies and little quirks…"
"Like you being banned for life from the paintball arena for creaming every team that set foot there and costing thousands of dollars in damages to their equipment?" Wally guffawed helpfully.
Artemis elbowed him in the ribs. "And still bother to put up with me, I accept," she smiled broadly. "But I do expect a five minute proposal speech about all the qualities you admire about me before the night is over and a diamond ring on my finger before the month ends."
"Cross my heart," Wally promised earnestly. "You're mine, after all."
"We're each other's," Artemis corrected folding her arms around the back of his neck and drawing him down for a kiss.
Before their lips could meet, the romantic moment was ruined by Wally's cell phone blasting off loudly the first two stanzas of "I'm bringin' sexy back!"
Snarling, Wally answered it without even looking at the name. "What, Dick? You're spoiling the mood, I'll have you know!"
"Just giving you a friendly heads up warning," Dick Grayson said. "Watch out while in Vegas."
"How the hell do you know where I am?" Wally demanded.
"Dude, I'm the Batman's protégé," Dick replied smugly. "Plus, I follow your tweets. You clearly in a fit of rage tweeted, 'FED UP. ELOPING TO VEGAS. EVERYONE SHUT THE EFF UP!'"
"I'm not the only one who follows your tweets."
"Wha—OH SHIT!" Wally shrieked blanching white as he realized…
The doors to the waiting room of the chapel were all but torn off their hinges as the Flash in civilian clothing crashed through them. That was how distraught the Scarlet Speedster was; he couldn't control his powers enough to vibrate through solid objects.
"WALLY, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Uncle Barry howled to high heaven rushing over to where his nephew stood trying to hide behind his current fiancé. "HOW COULD YOU TWO KIDS DO THIS?" he exclaimed, his eyes puffy and red indicating he had been crying while speed-running.
"Uncle Barry, I thought you liked Artemis!" Wally protested.
"I DO!" Uncle Barry shouted thunderously, his expression darkening ominously as he glared at him. "YOU WILL NOT DEPRIVE YOUR DEAR AUNT THE JOY OF OVERSEEING A WEDDING! I WILL NOT LISTEN TO HER WEEPING INTO A PILLOW ONE HOUR LONGER, YOU HEAR ME?"
As if the fates of the world were trying to prove Wally wrong by him thinking, I don't see how things can possibly get any more humiliating than this, glass showered down on the occupants of the room below as a large, muscular man wearing a hockey mask burst in through the chapel's roof.
Sportsmaster hit the floor in a well-balanced crouch. Then springing up, his thick-soled boots crunched over shards of glass as strode sinisterly over towards his daughter and what appeared to be to his future son-in-law.
"Dad?" Aretmis exclaimed incredulously as she took up a protective stance in front of Wally. Somehow, she didn't believe Lawrence Crock was here to walk her down the aisle.
"You will not marry my daughter in this town of sin!" Sportsmaster roared pointing a furious finger at Wally. "You will do her right and buy her a dress and ring and have a proper wedding! Even that clone and Jade got hitched in Ras Al Ghul's courtyard on Infinity Island! All of the Light and the League of Shadows were invited! We had a double-decker chocolate cake with fudge frosting that I didn't get to enjoy because that damn cat of Klarion's ate my slice! YOU WILL HAVE A WEDDING AND SERVE ME CAKE, DAMMIT!"
"Excuse me," Barry butted in before either Wally or Artemis could have a nervous breakdown on the sheer craziness of the situation they found themselves in. "Isn't it the bride's family who supplies the dress and the cake?"
"Oh, Mr. Allen, no," Artemis squeaked in a tiny voice knowing what would happen next.
"Are you implying I'm a cheapskate father, lightning rod ears?" Sportsmaster rumbled directing his brewing fury towards Barry now.
"No, I'm implying you're a cheapskate person and a horrible father who abandoned his family when the time arose," Barry corrected smoothly narrowing his gaze.
"Survival of the fittest!" Sportsmaster defended his actions. "Your kids don't learn anything by you mollycoddling them! Look how they turn out when you do!" he pointed an accusing finger at Wally.
"Hey," Wally growled heatedly.
Aretmis tugged on his jacket sleeve to get his attention. "Let's go," she hissed. "Run now while they're both distracted."
Wally looked back at his uncle and Sportsmaster who had begun circling each other like they were about to engage in an all-out first brawl. Picking up Artemis in his arms, he speeded away into the night away from all the madness. Once he felt that they were far enough away that Uncle Barry couldn't catch up to them for awhile, he set Artemis down.
"Families suck," he proclaimed after a few moments of awkward silence.
"Yes, they do, however sometimes they give you vital blackmail information without even knowing," Artemis said taking out her cell phone and sending a text message, cracking a broad grin as she did.
"What are you doing?" Wally asked curiously.
"Payback," Artemis laughed evilly.
Cheshire managed to dodge the sticky foam bubbling out of the arrow's tip that threatened to cement her in one spot, however she was knocked off her feet and hurled backwards into a stack of crates by the ear-splitting siren screech.
"Alright, you cat-mask wearing, kimono-draped, bushy-haired hussy, how long have you and Roy been hitched and why weren't we invited to the wedding?" Green Arrow demanded angrily notching another arrow to his bow and aiming at her.
"Two words," Jade purred deliciously. "Stupid hat."
Green Arrow gasped scandalized. "But, but, Roy said he loved that hat! He said it made him feel just like Robin Hood! I don't understand. Why would he lie to me?"
"Calm down," Black Canary said stepping up beside him and placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You didn't answer the whole question," she frowned at Cheshire. "How long?"
"Mmmm, three months I think," Jade said standing up and placing a hand lightly over her stomach. "Yes, it's definitely been three months," she snickered.
"Did you hear that?" Green Arrow cried in frustration to Dinah. "She's been corrupting our Roy for three whole months! She's already dragged him into the League of Shadows! Who knows what kind of other dirty things she's made him do!"
"Oh, I don't think Roy would want his former guardians to know the full details of that," Jade cackled. "They're very explicit."
"Bewitching harlot!" Green Arrow crowed furiously, firing off an arrow at her.
Jade somersaulted through the air, vaulting across the open space and landed gracefully on the opposite rooftop. "Love to do this all night, but I have to turn in early. I tend to tire out too easily now. Don't worry, I'll give Red a good-night kiss from you two," she promised pressing two fingers to her lips and blowing one to Green Arrow and Black Canary stationed on the other side.
Black Canary blasted another Canary Cry at her which Jade dodged again, albeit barely.
"Careful now," she warned waving a chiding finger at them. "Keep it up and I won't invite either of you to the baby shower!"
Then she was gone. Just another shadow merging into the many of the night.
Oliver glanced baffled at Dinah. "What did she mean by 'baby shower'?"
Dinah buried her face in her hands. "Oh, God," she moaned. "I'm too young to be a grandmother."
A/N: Hey, y'all! I'm back! Young Justice is officially my love. I've even picked up DC comics and started reading them religiously because of the show. True, I'm only just beginning and am still devouring all there is about the Batfamily, every single obscure member, but it's now an addiction I can't stop! Superheroes rock! I loved YJ ep 4 soo much I had to rejoice and write something about it!
So, how this story came to be: originally I had this plot bunny that I was going to dump into the YJ anon meme, but it turned out so good and I kept expanding on it until the prompt was so long it took up about a page, I thought. "Wow, I bet I can write that! Sounds fun!" And so here it is! What do you all think?
Fun Facts: I had Holy Musical Batman's "The Dynamic Duet" playing on repeat while I wrote this. Inspiraaaaaaaation for CRAAAAACK!~ XD
I hope you have enjoyed reading this! Please review and share your thoughts and favorite scenes. I love hearing what you liked best and it's the only reward a fanfic author gets. I like knowing what my readers think and feel. Thank you!