Of course the characters aren't mine.

I didn't finish this story yet and I'm not sure where this is going, so be warned – I might not complete it! I have only a few chapters done.


Chapter 1

„Yes, you could sacrifice your Gate of Truth. But do you know what that will mean?" the Truth asked, still grinning like mad. Ed, a little confused at the question, replied

"It means that I will lose my alchemy, right?"

"Yes, but not only. This is your Gate of Truth, meaning that it have everything you know. If you sacrifice it, you won't understand anything anymore. Like a language people are speaking. Or you won't know how to read, speak. Everything it's in there."

Ed couldn't believe it. So his genius plan wasn't good after all. So what should he do now?

"That was my only plan!" he said desperately. "What can I do now?"

"If you want your brother back you have to present something of equal value. You know that, Mr. Alchemist!"

"Yes, but what else can I do? Al or any of my friends won't forgive me if I sacrificed myself…"

"Your plan was good, I'm impressed. You couldn't know the meaning of the Gate. So I will make you a deal. Yes, I require your life for his, but I can take it slowly from you."

"Slowly? What do you mean by that?" Ed was confused and wary. Truth took a lot from him already.

"You will die slowly. Let's say, in five years? Do you take that deal?"

Ed took his time thinking about it. He knew that his brother was waiting for him to rescue him and there wasn't any way he will leave him here. And he was ready to sacrifice anything for him, even his life. But dying in five years time? "Would that be painful?"

"And what do you think? You have to pay for those years after all."

Was he ready to live in pain for his brother? He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He knew he would do anything. He loved him.

"All right, I will take your deal but this pain have to be bearable. I have to be able to hide it from everyone!"

"Fine! Take your brother with you then!" the Truth exclaimed happily. The Gate suddenly opened and one black hand pierced through Ed's heart, leaving a dull pain behind. Ed groaned, but managed to control his expression after awhile. He turned around and there he was, his brother waiting patiently for him. When Ed approached him, Al smiled. Ed was glad that his little brother didn't hear a deal. It would break his heart for sure. Ed helped him stand and took him away.

"Edo?" Al asked quietly, seated on his bed in the hospital. After coming back from the Gate, his body was very weak so the doctors kept him in place to help him grow his strength back. Ed stayed with him, refusing to leave his side even for the moment. After stubbornly sleeping in a chair for three days, the nurse took pity on him and gave them a room with two beds. Ed lowered a book he's been reading, unconsciously keeping his hand near his painful heart, in a tight grasp of his shirt.

"Yes, Al?" his voice was quiet, knowing that Al was still getting used to hearing with his own ears.

"Nii-san, what did you sacrifice to bring me back?" Al was afraid of that question.

"Al… I…" Ed panicked a little, tightening his grip on his chest. "I didn't have to give up anything." He lied. Al gasped, shocked. "How's that possible?"

"I… I wanted to sacrifice my Gate of Truth. I thought that I will only lose my alchemy. But he told me that would mean that I won't understand anything anymore, like what people are speaking or what I read. But he was impressed with my offer and thinking and said that I deserve to bring you back." Ed knew that lying to his brother was horrible but what else should he do? Al would be angry and sad, feeling guilty for his sacrifice. But Ed didn't regret anything. This pain, while sometimes unbearable, especially at night, was nothing compared to the joy of seeing his brother in flesh.

Al seemed to buy this, because he grinned like a madman. "I'm so happy, Nii-san! You have no idea how scared I was of asking you that. I'm glad you didn't go and sacrifice something important for me."

Ed faked a smile at him and buried his face back in a book.

It took a few weeks for Al to recover enough to be deemed ready to go around on his own. He was still weak but he got used to his body again and to the bright light, darkness and loud sounds. They moved from the hospital to the apartment Ed brought for them. He said that the dorms weren't good for his recovering brother and Al was very happy with that decision. Their little home was comfortable and had a nice view on the river. Ed took a long leave from the military but decided against leaving permanently. He needed the money after all. And he didn't know how to work on anything else.

Roy with a help from dr. Marco recovered his sight and was steadily climbing to the top. Ed was proud of him and very happy when Roy finally asked Riza out. It seems that watching her almost die was a slap that woken him up from his stupidity. Ed thought they made a lovely couple.

Finally, Al was healthy enough to be able to go around a city by himself. He wasn't getting tired as easily as before and he started sparring with Ed again, albeit slowly and carefully. Ed had to go back to working but asked Roy not to give him any assignments out of town. Mustang agreed that he deserved to live happily with his brother. To his surprise he was promoted to Lieutenant by the new Fuhrer, thanks to his fight with Father. Everyone was calling him a hero again. Ed couldn't care less, but was a little proud of his rank nonetheless. Roy was also promoted and was a General now.

Live was flowing slowly for Ed now, he had a lot of time to do some interesting research and also spent some time with Alphonse. After a lot of pleading and a little yelling on Ed's part, they got a cute kitten. Al was completely in love with it, saying that he had never touched anything more soft. What was worse, the cat took a liking to Ed, always managing to sleep with him in his bed when Ed wasn't looking. After awhile, Ed had to agree with Al. The cat was soft. And a little comforting.

Ed's pain was getting to him at night. It was hard to fall asleep with a constant throbbing. The cat somehow felt it because he usually got on Ed's chest and massaged it a little and then just fall asleep on that spot. The warmth of the animal somehow eased the pain so Ed stopped complaining. Al awed at them whenever he saw them.

Another pain, albeit not physical, was Ed's love for his brother. He knew it wasn't normal, what he felt. Because it was so much more than brotherly love. He wanted to hold him, to feel him, to kiss him and to never let him go. Yet Ed never acted on it. No, he couldn't do this to his loving little brother. Ed knew that if Al found out he would give in just to make him happy, not minding if he didn't want the same. So Ed kept his love hidden, showing only the same amount of affection he always did. But with Al back in his body it wasn't as easy, because of his uncertainty. He needed a reminder that he was really there, that Ed was there as well and that he can feel him, so Al kept touching him or giving him hugs and innocent kisses. Ed craved all contact so he never complained, besides he could see how much of this reassurance Al needed.

So Ed was almost reviled when Al met Sophie. She was a beautiful girl, with red hair and big, brown eyes. And she loved cats too. She was simply adorable and Ed couldn't find it in himself to hate her, even though she was apparently stealing Al from him. They stopped spending so much time together, instead Al was going on a walk with her, or eating lunch with her or taking her somewhere… Ed felt abandoned and for the first time he was glad they had a cat. The creature always felt if he was lonely and came to him, purring.

One year passed since Al recovered his body. Ed was still in pain, his heart throbbing mercilessly. And it was also broken, because his little brother was dating Sophie. And they seemed very happy. Ed hated himself for his jealousy. Why couldn't he be simply happy because Al was? And Sophie was perfect for him, what was more she actually became Ed's friend. Sometimes he even considered telling her about his forbidden love, but he knew that it would be too much even for her. No matter how much she liked him, something like that wouldn't be forgiven.

Ed was miserable those days and everyone in the office noticed it. He only managed to hide his mood from his brother, probably because he was so busy being in love to see. Riza approached him a few times asking what was wrong but he always lied he was fine. Even Mustang tried to talk to him. Ed was glad he had friends that were concerned about him but he didn't want to talk about it. It was wrong to feel like that anyway. Besides, even if by some miracle his brother felt the same… Ed knew he was dying, it was hard to forget. One year already passed, he had only four left. Would he die never knowing how love felt? He never even kissed anyone! Thinking like that only made his depression deepen.

Soon he had a friend in his misery, as Roy and Riza's relationship fell to pieces. Everyone were shocked when it happened, as they seemed as a perfect couple. What was more strange was the fact that it was Riza who broke it off, saying that it was only a childhood crush for her and it seemed that after sating her curiosity it passed. Roy on the other hand was devastated. Ed felt bad for him. After that Mustang has chosen him for a shoulder to cry on. But Ed didn't mind, it took his thoughts away from his own problems.

One evening, when they were drinking in Roy's flat, his friend got really drunk. Ed was tipsy himself so he didn't push Roy away when he sloppily kissed him. Alcohol took not only his brain but his skills as well but it didn't feel bad, besides that was his first kiss so he couldn't really compare it.

"Edooo? Please can I kiss you again?" Roy whined, when Fullmetal finally pushed him away. Ed looked into his eyes and found them stunningly beautiful. He didn't know why he didn't notice them before. Or maybe he was just drunk as well. Oh, whatever.

"Only if you won't regret it tomorrow." He answered finally. After all, he was lonely, Roy was lonely. Both with broken hearts. And Ed didn't like an idea of dying a virgin if he could help it.

"I won't, promise."

Their lips met again and Ed let go. Roy took him in his arms, kissing his neck sensually. He seemed to act a little more clearly now. Ed moaned, it felt good.

I'm sorry I had to cut the scene out as they are deleting stories with sex in it. You can read a whole version at nairenaire on livejournal com just add /935 dot html if it doesn't work just go to my livejournal, click archive, 15.06 on the calendar and you have it :)

"Ed?" Roy whispered, not wanting to destroy the moment, but confused nonetheless. "Shh… Please Roy, let's pretend… just pretend that you love me…" Ed whispered, hiding his face in his neck. Roy stiffened for a second, shocked but then relaxed into his embrace.

"All right, Edo… I need this too…"

They fell asleep like that, in each other's arms, for once not wishing for those to belong to someone else.

Roy groaned at the throbbing in his head. He sure as hell drank too much yesterday… He felt his warm pillow move up and down and opened his eyes, startled. He wasn't in his bed at all. And it wasn't a pillow but a chest. He was lying stark naked on his couch and under him was equally naked Edward. Suddenly, Roy remembered everything. Oh God… he had slept with Edward. He took advantage of him and liquor sure helped. Roy knew that Ed had some problems of his own and he was guessing those were some kind of love problems, as he always seemed to understand Roy's pain after Riza… And he took advantage of that… He moved, ashamed, but stopped when Ed stirred. Suddenly he was looking into beautiful pools of melted gold.

"Roy…?" Ed looked a little hesitant when he saw Roy's expression. His face got even more hurt when he realized Roy regretted everything, avoiding his eyes.

"Ed… I'm sorry… I got carried away…" he whispered, his voice full of shame.

Ed looked down, feeling hurt. What he heard in his voice was close to disgust.

"But… you promised!" Ed finally exclaimed, a little angry. Roy gaped at him shocked. What did he promise? Did he break his trust even more? "You promised you won't regret this! And I…" Ed stopped himself abruptly, turning his head away. They were lying close still, not daring to move. Roy's eyes widened.

"Edo… I'm so sorry! But I don't regret it! I just… I feel ashamed because I obviously took advantage of you!"

"What? You baka! You didn't do such a thing, I wanted it! Besides, you were drunk and I wasn't. I could have stopped you if I wanted."

They laid there in stunned silence for a moment and finally Ed chuckled.

"We are both idiots, aren't we?"

"Yes, you are right." Roy signed. "I was afraid I betrayed you. I don't want to loose your friendship."

"And I thought you regretted it and was disgusted with me… you were drunk back then but now you can clearly see all of my scars…" Ed looked away, this time his face was full of self-hatred.

"Ed… look at me." When he refused, Roy gently took hold of his chin and turned it to face him. "You are beautiful, inside and out." Ed gasped, hearing sincerity. "And those scars…" one finger lightly brushed along a long gash on his chest. "They are proof of your strength and courage."

"I… thank you, Roy." Ed felt reassured by his kind words. Suddenly, he got all red. "Uh… we are still naked…" he noticed. Roy was lying on his chest and tracing his scars with a light touch.

"Yes, I know. Yet somehow I don't feel uncomfortable about it. Besides, you look cute when you blush." Roy smirked at him, making his face go even redder. He laughed. "I haven't felt this relaxed for a long time…"

"Roy… I feel the same. Thank you." Ed closed his eyes and let him caress him. Roy moved slowly up and he opened his eyes to find his face close to his.

"Edo… you are my best friend and you helped me out of my depression. I really enjoyed myself last night and… and I want more." He admitted, this time blushing himself. He continued, looking into Ed's startled eyes. "You made me feel wanted again. You made me forget about my hurting heart. So Edo… do you want to see where this could get us?" He asked, his lips brushing Ed's.

"I… you made me feel wanted too… for the first time I felt like I belonged…" Ed whispered, by doing so lightly kissing him. This moment was sweet and full of hope… but suddenly he became aware of his throbbing heart. He gasped. He couldn't do this to Roy… what if he came to care for him? Surely, his friends will suffer greatly because of his death but a lover? No, no, no… No matter how much he wanted that, he couldn't. Roy moved away, feeling something was wrong and gasped when he saw Ed eyes full of tears.

"What's wrong?" he asked tenderly, brushing his tears away.

"Roy… even though I want to… I can't! I'm so sorry, we can't…" Ed gently took his hand away from his face and bit his lip to stop himself from sobbing. Roy looked so hurt… but Ed was sure it would hurt him more… he deserved someone who could be there for him always, not only for four years… His already broken and pained heart ached even more.

"Why, Ed? Why do you push me away? What did I do? Why, why?" Roy's questions were desperate.

Ed closed his eyes, tears spilling on his cheeks. He couldn't tell him. He gasped when his heart throbbed even more painfully and grasped at his chest, his fingers digging into flesh, leaving red marks.

"Ed? What's happening? Please… please trust me. Please tell me." Roy never pleaded so his tone of voice startled Ed.

"I… I shouldn't tell you this…"

"Ed, I never beg but this time I feel it's really important. Don't you trust me at all?"

"I do… but it will hurt you. And that's what I wanted to avoid…"

"By hurting me with rejection instead?" He asked a little harshly.

"I'm sorry… you are right, you deserve to know. But first promise me that you won't repeat it to anyone! Especially Al! He can't know!"

"I promise, this will stay a secret."

Ed closed his eyes, took a deep breath and admitted. "When I got Al's body back, I wanted to sacrifice my Gate of Truth. I was sure it was a great plan and that I would only lose my alchemy. But that Truth bastard told me that I will lose some much more, everything I know and understand… So I couldn't do something like that. That was my only plan. I knew that only other deal I could do would require giving up my life… I was ready for this, even though I knew Al would be pissed… But the Truth gave me a better offer, because he was a little impressed with my previous thinking…" Ed closed his eyes, taking another deep breath. Roy stayed still not even daring to move an inch. "He allowed me to have five years. He said that he will take my life slowly instead of killing me instantly. But I'm constantly in pain as a price, my heart is throbbing where one of the Gate's hands pierced through me. So I gave up my life for Al but I have still four years to live…"

Roy laid there, stunned. Ed was really selfless person… but why? Why did it have to be him, paying the price of such an innocent desire, to see his mother's smile again? It wasn't fair at all… and now not only Ed suffered, but also people around him.

"Edo…" he whispered and hugged him tightly.

"Gomenasai, Roy… You understand now, don't you? I don't want to reject you in any way but you will only get hurt because of me. It will be better if I stayed away, because it will hurt you more when I die…" he tried to untangle himself from his embrace and leave but Roy didn't let him.

"Baka! I will not let you leave me now! You are dying! I…" Roy finally lost the fight with his emotions and cried. Ed never saw him so vulnerable before… "Please Ed, if you really believe I won't be sad when you die then you are an idiot. Even if nothing happened between us, I've always cared about you… You are my best friend. And now I believe you can be something more if you only let me be there for you! I know you are hurting, both physically and mentally. I'm hurt too and I need you! Please don't reject me, Ed, I won't stand it! Not again!" Roy was shouting now, his eyes overflowed with tears. Ed didn't want to see him this hurt and all because of him, of his stupidity! He shouldn't have let anything happen yesterday… then Roy wouldn't know and Ed would have distanced himself from him over time…

"I'm sorry Roy… I'm not rejecting you. But I'm dying. Surely you know that if you were to stay with me, like a lover… you will get more attached and more hurt in the end. That's way, no matter how I feel, I should leave."

"No, Ed I refuse. Tell me to my face that you don't want me, that's the only way I could let you go."

Ed looked into his beautiful, determined eyes and couldn't lie. "I can't lie to your face. I want you…" Roy moved closer and kissed him tenderly. "And I want you. I will be there for you Ed…"

"Roy… There is one more thing that you don't know about me…" he looked away. Maybe if he confessed his twisted love for Al Roy would realize how disgusting he really was? "I did it because I love Al. But my love is not innocent. It's not a proper brotherly love. I'm in love with him. I know it's wrong but I can't help but desire him…" he admitted quietly, looking away. He was ready for painful rejection now but he just couldn't watch his face twisting in disgust.

"Edo, I understand. I know that you two only had each other… It somehow seems normal that you would feel that way about Al." Those kind words made him snap his face back towards him, his eyes wide and mouth open in shock. "It's obvious you love him dearly and I guess lust is just an added bonus, because of your age. I'm not disgusted by it or anything so you don't have to feel ashamed." Roy smiled at him and closed his lips with a kiss. "I only wonder where we fit in with each other…" he signed. "I love Riza, you love Al, yet we are here, comfortable with each other. I believe we can mend our hearts. We only need to give us a chance. So what do you say Ed? Will you let me heal you? Will you heal me in return?"

"I… Roy…" he whispered, so many emotions swirling inside him. His heart throbbed even more, so he grasped his chest again, trying to ease the pain a little. "Yes." He finally surrendered and let Roy kiss him deeply. Soon they were touching each other again and even though he was still sore from yesterday he let Roy claim him.

Suddenly Ed's life became beautiful again. He was truly happy. Roy made him smile and laugh and forget about pain. And at night, he didn't have to hug a cat to ease his throbbing heart… Roy was even warmer than his pet. Al noticed a change in him and commented of his new sleeping habits, away from home. But Ed didn't want to tell him he was seeing Roy. He wanted it to be their sweet secret so he just said he had company but refused to give away more. Time was flying quickly, days in the office more interesting, research more challenging and nights no longer lonely. He was happy and so was Roy.