I do not own Avengers or Thor or anything by Marvel. Inspired by this post on Tumblr: www DOT codenameloki DOT tumblr DOT com SLASH post SLASH 23564073041 SLASH my-war-kittens
Song this fic was written to: "Brass Goggles" by "Steam Powered Giraffe."
Tony had been gone for two weeks. While he didn't have a huge hand in his company anymore, he still had to do international meetings and PR stunts and the like. So a trip to Amsterdam, as well as a week at home in Malibu wasn't something out of the ordinary for him. What was out of the ordinary, though, was how badly he smelled when he came back to the tower in New York.
"Man of Iron, what is this odor you bring with you?"
"Hey, it's all good there Thunder Thighs, I'll shower later or something."
Natasha rolled her eyes. She knew exactly what the smell was. You can't have dealings in the underworld without having ever met people who almost bathed in marijuana. Clint's face lit up when he caught a whiff of Tony, instantly starting to follow him around, hopping for a sample of the good stuff.
"Dude, dude, is this California weed? I haven't been out that way in ages, is it still as good as it used to be?"
"California? Where do you think I've been, the local dispensary? Nah, this is grade A, genuine, Amsterdam gold."
"Dude indeed my friend. Com'on, let's fine Bruce. There's a bro that needs to chill."
"Fuck yes! Can we hotbox a car or something?"
"Ah, no. This is New York, I'm not getting into a car in New York."
Steve was completely lost. It showed. The poor man was having trouble catching up with television's technology, let alone recreational drugs like Mary Jane.
"It's alright," Natasha patted his arm, reaching across the table and grabbing another cookie from the plate. "I'll explain later."
Thor was having nothing of it. Two days later he snooped around the HQ, sniffing every hiding place available for the mysterious smell that he'd rather not have around the tower. He found it foul, much like the Migardian skunk that he had the unfortunate run in with last month while visiting Jane.
"Thor, stop, what are you doing in Stark's room? Romanoff sent me in after you. It seems you were in her drawers? Please, Thor, you know better after the last time you poked your nose through Lady Sif's rooms, did you not?"
"Loki, brother. I am searching for the dried herbs that Tony has brought back with him. Do you know of them, you are fonder of herb lore than I am. I did not enjoy their smell."
"I'm afraid not. I wasn't here when Tony came home. Why, did he plan on making dinner for a change? That would be pleasant, I grow tired of reprimanding DUMMY."
"I do not know. But he smelled poorly, and our fine archer doted over him and his herbs. I want them gone before anyone else can come into contact with them."
"Hmm, perhaps I should find them then?"
"NO! No, Loki, I forbid you near them."
"And why is that, Thor?"
"They produce a disgusting tainted smell, and turn the holder into a child."
"I suppose this means that it wouldn't have much of an effect on you then?"
Thor's glare could have burned the doorjamb Loki was leaning against, huge grin showing as many teeth as he could manage.
"Hey! What are you guys doing in my room?"
"Ah, Stark, just the man we were speaking of." Loki craned his neck, grinning over his shoulder. "Thor speaks of an herb you brought home. I pride myself in my knowledge of herbs and plants of all kinds. Pray, tell, what did you bring home?"
"Loki no. They need to be gone, do not urge him to bring them out to use them again."
"Wow, both of you need to hit the grass some. Loki, you're way to upright. Thor, dude, get out of my room. It's not like it's evil or anything. Well, it's illegal, but it's not that bad."
"I am quite curious as to what all the fuss is about. Banner seems to be floating as of late, and he said it was all your doing." Tony beamed at Loki's words.
"Ease up Thor. Alright Loki, go grab Clint and Bruce and let's see how much it takes to get a god high."
Thor left in disgust.
Three hours later, the God of Thunder found himself remembering that is was his turn to create the fest this night. He would prefer not having to leave his room, with Loki and Tony doing who-knew-what with Clint and Bruce. But it was his turn, and Steve and Natasha wouldn't let him off the hook just because of his brother. He didn't expect, however, to find the kitchen empty of food, and full of people.
Tony, Loki, Clint, and Bruce were laying on their backs, looking for all the world to be the weirdest flower in existence; all their heads were at the center of their circle, their feet pointing skywards. Clint's were actually wiggling to and fro. Bruce was giggling at whatever Tony had just said, Loki almost drowning him out with a loud "Ehehehehe!" Around them were empty boxes and torn apart wrappers and crumbs of all sorts. They had raided the kitchen, and left a mess. This was most unlike Loki and Bruce, though Thor wouldn't put it past Tony or Clint.
Thor stepped over Tony, coming to a stop beside Loki, glaring down at him. Loki's eyes took a moment to focus before they found Thor's, his face cracking into an even wider grin.
"BROTHER! Join us, we're talking about taking over the world! Get this. Thor. Listen. Thor, listen. What if I had an army. Of kittens. Thor, are you listening? Kittens."
"I told you to stay away from Tony's Midgardian plants. You never listen to me brother."
"KITTENS THOR! I could have all of Midgard bowing to me, with kittens."
"And what would you do when all the kittens grew into adult cats?"
"Make them make more kittens. Kittens Thor, kittens. You cannot defeat kittens!"
"He's right Thor. Kittens are just too cute. You couldn't hit one with mewmew, you know."
"I am sure I could."
That was… the wrong thing to say. Instantly all four of them sat up, bloodlust in their glassy eyes.
"You wouldn't dare!"
"You're a monster! You'd hit a kitten?"
"I wouldn't even hit a kitten, and I'm a green rage monster."
"Dude, kittens are the shit."
"I apologize!" Thor had to actually fight to make himself heard. This was not going how he wanted. "I did not intend to anger you. I would not hit a kitten. I'm just saying that I could, not that I would."
This seemed to calm everyone down for the moment. Or, for good, actually, as they all laid back on the floor, grinning at each other like middle school girls.
"You know what else kittens could help us do?" Bruce was speaking this time. Thor rubbed his face in annoyance before heading back to the door. Might as well collect Steve and Natasha and treat them to Shawarma.