Author's Note:

*sobs*

So many people have put this on Story Alert or have favourite it. I can't. My feels. My heart. God bless you all oh goodness THANK YOU :'D And the reviews keep coming :'D

*hugs all readers*

I love you all :'D


"Tonyyyyyyyyyyy!"

Tony didn't even know that this time in the morning could exist.

"TONYYYYYYYYY!"

The endless sobbing manages to penetrate through the pillow that Tony has dragged over his head. Unable to bear the infuriating sound any longer, he throws the pillow off and breathes in deeply ready to yell at Steve who is standing in the centre of his room bawling. His yell, however, never escapes him since Loki storms through the door to clamp a hand firmly over Steve's mouth. Eyes wild with insomnia and nose still shining red, Loki is even sicker than yesterday.

"I fear that if you do not cease this obscene racket then I will rip out your vocal chords," the ailed boy growls, though his hoarse voice cracks randomly. He pushes Steve away but he continues to cry. Loki looks at Tony with despair. "Do something about this!"

"Steve," Tony says sleepily, "whassup?"

"Clint pinched me! To wake me up! He pinched me-e-eeee!"

Loki seems ready to strangle him, but he breaks off from his glare to cough. And boy, does he cough.

Tony rubs his eyes. "Send Clint in here."

"I want to die," Loki moans.


"So what don't we do?"

"Pinch people…" Clint mutters, annoyed. "Can I have breakfast now?"

"No breakfast until you've apologised to Rogers," Loki cuts in, but Tony shoots him a look.

"Kid, you don't get to make the rules."

"Don't talk down to me, Stark."

"Well, that's kinda hard since you're a midget."

"I still retain sanity, you obnoxious oaf."

"When have you ever been sane?" Loki stamps his foot, enraged. Tony almost cries with laughter. "Did you actually just stamp your foot?"

"ARGH!" Loki slams the door hard behind him. Tony chuckles, finally raising himself from his bed. "Go say sorry to Steve, Clint. Then bring everyone to the kitchen for breakfast. JARVIS!"

"Yes sir?"

"Switch the kettle on, would ya?"

"Certainly sir."


The Avengers have assembled at the breakfast table, with the addition of Loki who is propped on a stool beside Tony.

"Now then," Tony warns, "if there's any misbehaving, I'm gonna whip your tiny little asses into next week. And – oh crap – Steve that is not the place you should be putting your spoon."

Steve removes the spoon from Thor's ear.

"Sorry Tony."

"…That's right." Tony feels proud of himself. This isn't so hard.

FLLLLLMPH.

"UGH!" A large glob of scrambled egg smacks him in the side of the face. "FUCKING CLINT!"

The children gasp. "You said a baaaaaaaaaaad word," Bruce says, biting his lip.

"No no! I can't swear in front of you! You're barely people yet!" Wiping the scrambled egg from his cheek, Tony's cheeks burn. Then he thunders down upon Clint. "THROWING FOOD IS NOT ACCEPTABLE."

"Stark, egg has collected in the shell of your ear," Loki says somewhat helpfully, pointing to his own ear as if Tony isn't aware where his ear is. Tony doesn't take it so helpfully – he's too pissed off to do that. Rage bubbles inside of him and goddamit he's so not prepared for this child malarkey and probably never will be. Clint has darted across the room and has his bow drawn, one of his new rubber arrows aimed at Tony.

"You," Tony snarls, "you dare let that off and AGH GOD MY GOD THAT WAS MY CO – ARGH - MANLY PARTS OH GOD." The pain of the rubber arrow smacking into his crotch sends him reeling in an abundance of almost-swears, and Loki is having a laughing-coughing fit beside him. "THAT'S IT."


Coulson crosses and uncrosses his arms, only to cross them again.

"…You put Barton in the Hulk's cell?"

"Well it's not like Bruce is hulking out at all in kiddie form. However much of me actually wants to see it, Idon't really wanna deal with it, but since it all seems pretty safe for now, yes, Barton is in his cell."

"…You do realise you can't just leave him in there, don't you?"

"He needs time to think about what he's done."

Raising an eyebrow, Coulson tears his eyes away from the imprisoned and agitated Clint.

"Tony, what do you base your parenting skills on?"

"Super Nanny! Have you seen that woman? She fixes bad kids. You know, with the naughty spot or naughty step. This is the kid's naughty cell. And Clint has to serve his time, the little asshole."

"….What did he do to you?"

"Threw egg at me." Tony digs around in his ear with his pinkie. "I think there's still some egg in here. And then he fired an arrow at my dick. Tell me this isn't justified."

Coulson looks between Tony and Clint before sighing deeply.

"Just…don't kill them. However much they get on your nerves, please please don't kill them."

"…Not even Loki?" Tony winks.

"I think baby Thor could still smash you into the ground, so no, don't kill Loki either." Suddenly, Coulson appears to be having some sort of revelation. "If you're here…who's looking after the kids?"

"Loki."

"…"

"Yeah, thinking about it now, it doesn't seem like a good idea to me either."


"STOP THAT! THOR, PUT MJOLNIR DOWN. NO, ROGERS, GET OFF OF THE TABLE HE WON'T HIT YOU – THOR, I SAID PUT IT DOWN."

"NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Thor dives across the room, Mjolnir leading the way, and together they crash through the kitchen table. Steve screams, bounding off just in time to land – accidentally – on Bruce, who begins to growl.

"Uh oooooooooooooh," Tasha says, darting away from Bruce and lunging behind Loki.

"Damn it," Loki snaps, but his eyes are as wide as Tasha's. "Rogers! Get over here now!"

"Bruce!" Steve whimpers. "Bruce, are you okay? I didn't mean to hurt you!"

"Roge -blast- STEVE I COMMAND YOU TO DO AS I SAY!" Loki doesn't particularly want to wade into the battlefield, but Steve just isn't complying. The goodie-two-shoes Captain America insists that Bruce hears him out.

"Bruce, p-please don't be angry at me!" Eyes brimming with tears, Steve attempts to actually hug Bruce in the middle of his transition into the Hulk. Loki slaps a hand to his forehead, then dashes in to grab Steve's collar just as Bruce completely loses it.

"RAAAAAAWWWR!"

"BRUCE!" Tony yells from the door. Child-Hulk is honestly horrifying and unnaturally muscular, and both he and Tony have a stare off as Loki yanks Steve to the door. Tasha is already behind Tony. Thor is in front of him, brandishing Mjolnir. "Bruce, calm down."

"Come at me, foul beast!" Thor cries. Tony whacks him on the side of the head.

"Shut up you stupid-"

"ROAAAAR!" Hulk charges towards them.

"-crap."

Wrapping his arms around Tasha, Steve and Loki, and clutching Thor's cape with his hand, Tony slams the door in the Hulk's face.

For once, Loki doesn't complain about being manhandled.


The rec room is – ironically – wrecked.


"I didn't mean to!" Bruce weeps into Tony's chest. Edging around another bustling, tidying agent, Tony steps over the smashed ceiling fan. He rubs Bruce's bare back.

"I know, kid. I know."

"Here are the clothing items you requested for the bloody beast." Loki appears at Tony's side, holding up a pair of sweats, undies and a t-shirt. He's not amused. "It's nice to see you not so green, Banner."

Bruce sniffles, more tears seeping through Tony's shirt and onto the arc reactor.

"Thanks." Tony takes the clothes. "Here, Brucie." Bruce refuses to look. "Come on, kiddo. Let's get you dressed."

"Am I a bad person?"

Tony starts. "Huh?"

"I am a bad person, aren't I?"

"What! No!" Sighing, Tony puts him down and kneels so they're eye-to-eye. "You never asked for this. You will never be a bad person, okay?" He places a reassuring hand on Bruce's shoulder.

"Never ever?"

"Never ever."


"Loki, I know it's gross, but it'll help."

"I want more lozenges!"

Tony is sitting cross-legged in the now-clean rec room, opposite Loki who is lounging on the couch. Hercules plays on the new TV, which Loki and the team have been enthralled by the entire afternoon. Clint is now out of the cell and sitting alone in the armchair, and whilst he had been grumpy for what had seemed like an eternity, he's now laughing at Hades for having his flaming hair blown out by Pegasus.

"Lozenges only hide the pain, they won't take it away. Come on, you've already had one spoonful!" Tony waves the medicine bottle at Loki, and flies the spoon like a plane towards him.

"You seriously think me a child, don't you?"

"Well, it's kinda hard not to when you look like one, and act like one, I might add! Hey, remember this morning when you stamped your foot?"

Loki silences for a moment.

"…I'm not taking that ghastly medicine."

Tony shrugs. "It's not like I can't force it down your throat. I mean, you're basically mortal with your magic gone and-" Tony stops talking because he can't breathe.

Loki's hand tightens around his neck. "Mark me, Stark. I still have some of my strength and I will crush you if I – ATCHOO!"

Tony dares not open his eyes. "Oh god. You just splattered boogers all over me. I have them on my face. No this isn't fair oh god oh GOD get OFF!"

Rolling away onto the floor, Loki whimpers.

"My throoaaaaat."

"TAKE THE DAMN MEDICINE."

Tony, still choosing to be blind, pushes the bottle at him and lies there, not wanting to move.

He has boogers on his face.


Author's Note:

Reviews make my day. I'm going through a really stressful time at the moment and they just make me smile. #playing the tries-to-get-sympathy-via-reviews card.

But I mean, you don't HAVE to review.

#reverse psychology