Muhahaha I'm back to harass the Hellsing board with MOAR Alucard x OC (and another story title that leaves much to be desired). I can't stay away from writing; ever since I completed Oh My Alucard, this whirlwind of plot bunnies took over and I've been itching to write, and this happened. It's probably going to be short; it is a crazy story, and it probably doesn't make much sense at the moment either.

But you should enjoy it anyway!

~ I'm So Into You ~


The Vampire, the Witch, and a Pizza Delivery Girl


So what happened today, was that I got the best, damned kiss of my life.

It's too bad he's not interested in me. I try and make myself feel better by reminding myself that I think he is asexual and not to mention, he's kind of both dead and alive and he's literally four to five centuries years old…Not exactly the kind of guy I'd like for my mother to meet, due to the enormous age gap and the whole I'm-living-but-you're-dead-thing going on, but if you must know, his name is Alucard and he has become the victim to a 'love potion' created by a group of evil witches who call themselves the 'Lily Witches' (no surprises there).

Now I'm not exaggerating about how it exactly happened… but what happened earlier on, three hours ago, in fact, was…well, I didn't even believe vampires were real until now.

Three hours ago, and I was being the dopey teenager I was. I wasn't contributing to society in any way nor was I doing anything that was going to make the world a better place. Nope, none of that. I was simply chilling with a co-worker at our workplace – it's called Bobby's Pizzeria and Takeaway by the way - when out of the blue, Shelbie turned to me and asked, "Hey, do you believe in vampires?"

My response was "No," because I didn't back then, before I asked her, "Why?"

I guess that was the first clue indicating that my life was going to rocket off to a different direction after the events that would happen later that night, but at that moment, I was too stupid to notice.

And when Shelbie answered with this hazy, dreamy sigh, I knew she was watching that particular vampire movie that had gripped the entire continent (and maybe more); it seemed to play an awful lot on Channel 4 these days.

"It's not real, Shells." I told her, "It's just a movie."

"But don't you wish they were? It'd be so romantic to have a vampire lover…"

It was a Sunday evening and we were waiting for an order that had been placed fifteen minutes ago; it was the first order in a period of three hours. Generally, there is no business at Manboobs-Bobby's on a Sunday. The takeaway gets really quiet so we don't have anything to do half the time and Manboobs-Bobby's wasting five pounds an hour on each of us. Anyway, let's move on. There was a loud but soft 'ping' from the bell behind us and there was Manboobs behind the kitchen counter looking all sweaty and greasy and gross in his greying holey vest and jogging pants. He can't help himself; he stands in a kitchen 10 hours a day in front of scorching pizza ovens…but yes, that's right people, think twice next time when you order take-out.

"Oi, Shelly's Friend, take this." said Manboobs, handing me the equally greasy and sticky bag. I secretly call him that because he didn't and hasn't bothered to learn my name, and because of the two obvious, fleshy beanbags drooping from his chest which he shouldn't really have.

"Where's it going to?" I asked, giving the pizza bag a wipe with a damp cloth I retrieved from the counter. I always feel a weird obligation to get this to the customer at least sweat-free.

"To 101 Brookstone Lane."

"Isn't that also known as Spooky Street?" Shelbie murmured absent-mindedly, her shimmery, soulful eyes still glued on the TV.

"Spooky street? What kind of jacked-up name is that?" I had asked.

"Apparently it used to have a graveyard and there were a lot of murders on that street, especially at night. They tore down some of the old houses and the council built newer, bigger houses nearby. People don't really go there anymore unless they're taking a shortcut. It's rumoured to be haunted."

Spooky Street? Graveyard? Murders? At night? Old houses? Haunted? Why wasn't 'DANGER' the first thing that came to my mind from all of that? Oh, yeah, because I'm a doofus. Don't judge me already, I'm not afraid to admit my faults. "Oh, okay." I said, with a shrug, "Be back in fifteen. Watch the counter, Shelly."

And that was my second clue - but again, I didn't notice it.

I left the pizzeria, put on my helmet and safety goggles, then hopped onto my moped which was parked outside. It was getting dark and cold as I placed the pizza delivery into the hidden seat under the soft, squidgy cushion of the moped. I clicked it shut then revved the bike and I was buzzing down the streets in minutes. Spooky street isn't that far, it's just about fifteen to twenty minutes away. I've never driven through it though.

So this is where it all started. As soon as I steered my moped into the entrance of the so-called Spooky Street and parked, I took off my helmet and scratched my head. I was hopelessly lost and the old, outdated map of Bobby's wasn't helping. I guessed Spooky Street had underwent a lot of changes over the years as Shelbie said; they've added more lanes and twisty-turny corners that wasn't there before, that was for sure, and I didn't know if I was at the north of Spooky Street or south. It all looked the same to me and I have a bad sense of direction anyway. I looked around the empty dark street before getting off the bike and scooping the delivery out of the seat-box. I had been planning to go up to a house and ask someone for directions until I saw a house with the lights on – and the door was open.

Maybe someone has just returned home, I had thought, although I glanced at their driveway and I did not see a car or anything. I might as well cross my fingers and try my luck, and I trekked over their lawn and towards the open door where I knocked politely. "Heeeelloooo? Is anyone home?" I received no response but I could hear muffled noises coming from the closed door to my left so I reached forwards for the doorknob but I thought to myself, Isn't this trespassing? Oh well, this is not the first illegal thing I have done in my puny, dowdy life. Besides, I just needed help and directions. I'm sure they'll understand. Before I opened the door, however, I heard muffled speech and this time, it was much louder.

"Is that a love potion?" It was a man's voice.

"Smart man." Now it was a lady's voice.

"You wish for me to become your lover?" said the man.

"Yes, darling, and together we shall rule the world."

"World domination. How original."

"Is that sarcasm I hear?"

"It won't work."

"Which one, darling? World domination, or you falling haplessly in love with me?"


"That's because you think it affects the heart."

"If I had one."

"My dear, I know you are the heartless one. That's why I purposely made this to affect the instincts. Hah! Didn't see that one coming, did you?" The lady was cackling, "Want to know another secret? After you drink this, you will not feel love, only lust. Only I can bring you carnal pleasure. No-one else shall and can, and you will seek comfort from me only. Now, sisters, we must hurry, the moon is at its fullest, and the potion only works if he sees me and only me!"

"Yes, Madame."

Wow. I've never heard so much B.S before in my entire life. I opened the door – because I do a lot of stuff that don't make sense - and I saw this large hall that was dimly lit up with pasty-white candles on the floor that were lining the sides of the room. And there was this weird sigil slathered on the walls in red paint and at the end of the room was a bloody altar with this disgusting, fleshy pink thing strewn over the gold mantelpiece.

In front of me was a man in red; he was the only man in the room, and he was being held down by a couple of women hidden in hooded black robes. He was kneeling in front of another woman clad in red robes and I could tell they were locking lips (as if the night could not get any stranger). A fierce blush crept over my face as soon as I saw the smooching couple. Again, that was my third clue telling me to Get The Fut Out of There and my instincts were screaming NOT RIGHTEOUS but I just stood and stared, looking silly and stupid, transfixed and gawking with the pizza bag in my hand.

There was a silence, before the woman in red hooded robes finally noticed my additional presence and broke apart from the man to glare at me, followed by the rest of the women in black hooded robes. Red riding hood was a beautiful woman with her striking, fox-like eyes and thin, bow-shaped lips and chiselled chin, but the other women, the ones in black, were horribly disfigured and had long, grey-skinned branch-like hands. What the - ?

"How the hell did you get through my barrier?" was the first thing the beautiful woman screeched at me.

What barrier? But then the man in red turned to me, and I froze all over when chilling eyes met mine. From his stare I felt tingles running down my spine and I shivered all over.

"NO!" bellowed the red-riding-hood woman as soon as the man and I locked gazes.

"Um…Hi, sorry to interrupt," I said quickly, turning away from the man. Uh oh. I was in pretty deep shit. I might as well just drop everything and run. "Okay, before you get the wrong idea, I thought I could get some help. I mean, I don't normally do this…you know, enter people's homes without their permission…and uh, I'm not trespassing or anything, I swear - I saw the door open and I was hoping that you could kindly give me directions. You see, I have a pizza delivery for a Mr P. Jenkins of 101 Brookstone Lane and - "

Red riding hood turned to her little black-robed minions in disbelief and fury, and in exchange, some shrugged while others simply refused to meet her murderous gaze. With a shrill scream of "SOMEBODY KILL THAT WENCH!" Red riding hood pointed a crimson, shiny, painted fingernail at my direction.

"Who, me?" I said, and the creepy tree-women in black robes left the man in red and were now hobbling towards me, emitting bird-like screeches and their backs all hunched over and their scaly, tree-like hands reaching for me. Yet, before the bird…tree…women…whatever the hell they were, could reach me, there was the deafening noise of a gun being fired and one hag fell to her knees in a pool of blood. "Eek!" I squeaked, and it came out like this high-pitched dolphin squeal which I didn't even think I had in me, because I usually have this deep man voice. It's pretty embarrassing.

And behind the hag-like woman who had just been gunned down, the man in red who had been busy smooching earlier on with Ms Riding Hood stood up, lipstick stains on the corners of his mouth and his shirt partially undone. The room was too dark despite the meek candlelight so I could not see him properly. He was holding two large guns in each hand - one was silver, and the other was a sleek black. With those two mothertruckers, this maniacal grin appeared on his face and he began performing gun-ballet, gun-fu, gun-kata, gun-jutsu, gun-everything and by the time he was finished, I was standing with my bottom jaw touching the floor while every black-robed hag in the vicinity fell to the floor with little bullet holes in their bodies.

They were all...dead.

Finally, the man turned to me.

I paled and dropped the pizza. Red riding hood was forgotten as she gawped at the dead bodies of her followers. The scary man took a step towards me, his big hooker boots on the floorboards going 'thunk, thunk, thunk' with each heavy step. Hidden behind the raven hair and the vicious sneer, were two piercing ruby eyes. Demon eyes. Without hesitating any longer I spun on my heel and dashed down the same way I had come, flinging open the front door. "AAAARRRGHHH!" I screamed with my arms in the air, and I dashed to my parked moped and flung one of my legs over the seat. As soon as my butt touched the cushion I stuck the key in and revved the bike and steered out of Spooky Street, constantly throwing glances behind my shoulder to see if the man was following but I could see no-one and I thought I was safe but then –


I lurched forwards and my little body flew over the handlebars as soon as the moped rammed into a lamppost. Smooth move, doofus.

Before I fell head-first and was one hundred per cent sure that I'd be seeing my dead grandparents real soon, I landed on something stiff but soft, and realised it was someone's arms. I looked up with a gasp, stunned; it was the red scary guy I had ran away from. What was he doing here? How did he even get here so fast? What was he going to do to me?

He was staring at me; he did nothing else, just... stare.

And stare…

…before he suddenly crammed his lips against mine.

Now, I don't appreciate complete and utter strangers trying to snog my face off although it was quite the enjoyable experience, because he was a good kisser. I did flail and wriggle in an attempt to escape but this only caused him to increase his grip on me as his eyes fluttered to a close. His lips were cold but gentle, and his mouth was wide enough to cover every contour of my lips. He kissed me with so much passion and enthusiasm I was left breathless and dizzy.

But all good things must come to an end, and when my air supply was getting short, he didn't seem to notice – instead, his wicked lips spread apart and he slipped his tongue into the cave of my mouth; I began to struggle and push at his shoulder in protest but it was useless. The man was holding me against him, and ravishing me like I was the last sandwich in the world or something. He would not let go no matter what, with his arms wrapped snugly around my waist while the other was clamped around my back. I went lightheaded as my breath gradually shortened, my poor lips being plundered over and over again by this rampaging madman who shot down four hag women with his motherfunker guns.

"Alucard, control yourself!"

I opened my eyes and swerved my gaze to source of the voice; there was a long-haired individual standing before us who had come from out of nowhere. The voice was female but the person had a rather empty and bland bodily figure, and was dressed like a man, with the suit, slacks and all.

"Put her down," said Dude-Looks-like-a-Lady, "This isn't like you at all, my servant."

The man in red who had been kissing me suddenly opened his eyes in an instant, before he dropped me with a cold and almost bitter abruptness. I fell to the ground on my butt, and looked up meekly. Immediately he wiped his lips with the back of his gloved hand and I am being honest here - I did feel a little offended, especially when he glared at me as though I was dog poo on his shoes. Then he turned to Dude-Looks-Like-a-Lady who removed an ear and mouthpiece from the lapel of his/her suit jacket, "…Master, I…"

"What happened? We lost contact as soon as you went inside the house."

"There was a barrier. And I have been cursed by the witch!" He snarled angrily under his breath with his deep, rumbly voice.


The man in red went silent then, although he was now gazing at Dude-Looks-Like-a-Lady with a tight-lipped frown, as though he was incredibly angry with himself. "It was a love potion." I quickly babbled out, remembering the conversation I had unintentionally eavesdropped on, and I swear I saw him twitch slightly at my sudden, and completely uncalled for, reply.

"Love potion? Of course…That would explain your erratic…behaviour, and the rest of the Lily Witches have escaped while you were…" Dude-Looks-Like-a-Lady paused to throw his/her cobalt blue eyes from the man to me, "…busy."

The man scowled under his breath.

Now that I had a better look at him since the street was well-lit compared to that dingy hall, I think my heart skip-skipped a beat as my eyes landed on his face. He was growling, yes, but whoa, mama - Never had a scowling, cursing, snarling man looked so…so…Hmm, what was the right word? Ah, I know: Hubba hubba! Errrk errrk! Wah wah! Bing bong bing bong. Hoooowwwwl! Awooooooga! Yeehaw! Pow chicka wow-wow! Homina homina homina! Boom shaka-laka-laka boom shaka-laka-laka -

"Miss? Miss!"

I snapped out of my musings. "Huh?"

Dude-Looks-Like-a-Lady was glancing at my direction, "Are you alright?"

"Uh…lemme think…"

"Master, this…Pizza Girl is no-one we should concern ourselves with." barked the man who had rammed his strawberry-shoelace tongue down my throat two minutes ago.

The throb in my chest died down immediately. "Heeeey, I can hear you, you know! And I have a right to be of your concern - I'm the victim here! What the heck is going on?" I huffed as I stood back up whilst eyeballing him angrily. I was nowhere as tall as either of them, which made me feel a bit like a dwarf. "Who are you people anyway? Are you with the MI5?"

No-one replied, so I tried again.

"MI6? MI7? MI8?" I could go on forever. There was a total of MI's all the way to MI19. And let's not forget the GCHQ, the SOCA, the JIC and the DIS.

Dude-Looks-Like-a-Lady made a disgruntled noise, still with no answer, "Alucard, let's go. We should retire for the night; I'll get Walter to investigate for a potential cure." When I thought I was going to be ignored as I usually am, Dude-Looks-Like-a-Lady turned to face me, "And you, Miss…?"

"Whoa, hold it," I said, "I'm not telling you people anything until I get an explanation about what just happened."

Dude-Looks-Like-a-Lady's lips curled into a thin, small smile, "Very well. You should come with us…"


There goes the pilot…I'm hoping to do a story that will be the complete opposite of Oh My Alucard which means I needed to make an OC the complete opposite of Ruby, so we have this (Nameless Girl).

1. 'My heart skip-skipped a beat' are lyrics from the song by Olly Murs.

What happened is that an evil witch tries to control Alucard for world domination using a love potion except he ends up 'falling in love' with someone else by accident; a pizza delivery girl who accidentally walks in during a Hellsing mission. Alucard sees this girl first and the plan is ruined, although he doesn't exactly 'love' her because he can still control himself and is practically insulted/disgusted by her. I thought of this cos rather than having Alucard being all over the girl, it'll be the girl this time :P