Hey guys! Sorry for an extremely late update. Gotta be honest here and say I forgot about this story for a while. I also changed the cover of this story to make it more serious! Ohhh yes this story is as serious as Oh My Alucard! Well, maybe not that kind of serious, partially cos of Narsha -_-""

I have also gotten rid of chapter titles for this fic, and I actually think I may have established the wrong set of atmosphere for this story. Sure, its humour, but there are serious undertones to it as well.


The tie between the surnames was Batman-related (yeah I know, I'm a batgeek). 'Conroy' is the surname of the voice actor who provides Batman's voice in the cartoons and video games and Hamil is the surname of the voice actor who provides the Joker's voice. Hehehe.

PS. Sorry if this chapter doesn't make any sense. Running out of ideas FFFFF!

~ I'm So Into You ~


The Art of Tolerating Alucard


"I bet I can spit a bigger ball of gob than you."

"No, you can't."

"Wanna bet?"

"Fine, you're on!"


After Alucard pulled some of my hair out, I ran out of my room wailing and clutching at a newly-acquired bald spot. I saw Captain Bernadotte who was smoking at the men's sleeping quarters downstairs and he asked me if I wanted a cigarette when I stopped in front of him. I shook my head because I quit when I was 16 and he laughed and said I must have been with the wrong crowd when I was in my younger years. I told him I was turning a new leaf, and then he'd invited me to watch his soldiers train.

At first I thought I'd see hot, handsome guys with bulging pecs and awesome hairdos but all I got were ugly old men heaving and sweaty much like Manboobs Bob (only a lot less sweatier and manboob-less). They took one look at me and laughed. Maybe they were expecting another slim, tall and slender, big chested female, but noooope. All they got was me, some scrawny kid chewing gum with knobbly knees and jiggling flab. Well boohoo sorry to disappoint. Sorry to NOT fit your expectations. Without paying attention to me for more than five seconds, the men of Wild Geese thought it was funny to hold a spitting contest so I decided to get the hell out of there - I can be immature but even I think that 'spitting contests' were just naff.

And then I was storming down the corridors of Hellsing when I saw a familiar big red man standing in the middle of the tiny hall.

"Oh, it's you again, Mr You-Can-Love-Me-but-I-Will-Never-Love-You." I snorted, as Alucard finally stopped materialising from out of nowhere and turned round.

"Pizza Girl." He said.

"Alucard." I said.

There was a brief silence, then -

"Back for Round Two? Want to pull some hair from my head again? Bring it on! In fact, lemme point out a good place – how about here, at the top of my head? Or maybe here, at the base of my neck. Or why don't you pull some hair from the side of my face? That's a good place, too! You know, I don't even know what you did with my hair from last time. You had this giant fistful of it, and you were laughing. Did you run off with it somewhere going 'My preciouusssss' before rubbing it all over your nose and lips and eyeballs and the rest of your body like that creepy crazy shrieky guy from those Charlie's Angels movies?"

The vampire merely stared at me from behind his orange specs, before he was roaring with laughter in seconds, "Pizza Girl. You might want to think twice before you impose such ludicrous accusations."

"It's not that ludicrous." I replied.

He turned to me and smirked; it was that smirk. THAT SMIRK. My eyes widened drastically and suddenly my heart grew two sizes bigger than usual. I swallowed down loudly and my cheeks went warm. Lovehearts were in my eyes, probably.

Alucard is sexy.

So sexy.

He's free.
And he's single.

Oh mah gash, my ovaries! I think they, like, exploded! Ahhh! No more! I can't take anymore of this…

Sure, he pulled out my hair but right now, Alucard looks like a GOD compared to those spitting hairy ape-men I saw in the courtyard ten minutes ago. No, Alucard is a god. I've never met anyone as good-looking as him, that's for sure. He's so good-looking, it's a sin. It should be illegal. A mug like that is sure to make hundreds of ovaries explode into a mushroom cloud. But I actually like how prim and proper he is. He can be a gentleman and he never makes any perverted jokes but scaving remarks and he doesn't tolerate me when I'm being stupid.

You know what? It's what I need. He's my inner light. He's the right to my wrong. Oh Alucard, I forgive you. You can pull out all my hair if you want, if it makes you happy. No wait! He said these nasty things to me earlier on. Gnnnagh what's happening to me? Why am I suddenly saying such things? No, in fact, why do I have all these weird, contradictory, ever-changing feels? And I have so many feels, too. I hate it!

Oh, what's the point anyway?

He said he'd never like me, ever.

Even if I was the last person on earth?

"Yes." He replied.

"Will you stop reading my mind without my permission?" I barked, fists clenching. "And what did you do to my hair?"

Alucard's smirked turned upside down and he began stepping closer to me that I was backed up against the wall again. Oh nooo! He was probably going to grab at my hair like last time! I instinctively clutched at my head protectively but he was snarling, "I could hardly care less about your hair." He suddenly grabbed me by the back of my neck and pulled me close to him. "Your hair is the least of your problems." He purred, his lips ghosting near my neck.

I swallowed down noisily for the umpteenth time, and he chuckled.

"Yes, your neck is very appealing..." He crooned, before he ran his finger over my nape, "I'd kill to sink my fangs into you and crush you, to see that spray of blood erupt from your flesh. In fact, I want your blood painted over the walls of my basement. I want your brains on my floor, your arteries snipped and shredded, your heart in my grasp; I want to squeeze the life out of your infuriating self. So tell me, Pizza Girl, does the urge to sing me more love songs beckon to you?"

"You're crazy!" I yelled at him, although I had stammered slightly, "Ohhhh, you'd like that, won't you? Me singing you more luuuurv songs, something like: 'I'll always be true to youuuuuuu, spending my days pitching woo to youuuuu'. Well TOUGH! I'm done! No more songs! You don't deserve them! How Sir Integra tolerates I have no idea! I bet you she has this mantra she keeps rehearsing in her head. It probably goes like this: TtttTTttOOOOooooLLLl lllllEerrrrAAaaa TtttttEEEEEEee AllLLLlllUUCCcccAAARRdddd – "

I noticed he wasn't looking at me.

Immediately, I stopped and followed the direction of his gaze to see a portrait near our left.

It turned out to be a large painting on the wall of this really ugly, dark-haired man with bug-eyes with an ugly red hat. You know, I really don't get art these days. An elephant with paint on its heels could stomp around on this giant canvas and it can fetch millions. I might as well just throw some paint over Tabbi and let her roll around on paper and hope it can sell online for an insane price.

Wait a minute.

I squinted my eyes and inspected the plaque underneath the portrait in more detail. It read:

Vlad Tepes aka Vlad the Impaler.

The Ambras Castle portrait, c. 1560

Frick! It's an artist's portrayal of Alucard in his old medieval days. I shakily swerved my eyes over to the brooding vamp and hoped he hadn't read my mind but now he was giving me the Stanley Kubrick stare and my mouth formed a tiny 'o'. Guess this awkward situation deserves a big Oops-I-Did-It-Again.

"Is that you? You look…pretty." I blurted out, in a bid to turn the situation around. "In fact, you don't really look like that at all. Oh, I see, it's because of the moustache, isn't it?"

Alucard said nothing and turned away from me to stomp down the corridor. At the same time he turned round, his trenchcoat tails slapped me right in the face. Oww! That was purely intentional!

"Hey! Where are you're going?" I shouted, clutching at my cheek, and I suddenly remembered the angry argument we'd had earlier. "I'm not finished yet! I've got plenty more from where that came from! I got plenty to say to you! I'll never like you, either, even if you were the last person on earth! I'd rather die than repopulate the earth with our babies!"

Can vampires have babies anyway? I shuddered inwardly at the thought of vampiric infants. Vampiric, crying, belching, giggling, drooling, gurgling, pooping little toddlers in diapers.

Vampire babies. With little, itty bitty fangs and red eyes, drinking blood from milk bottles…eek!

Alucard didn't seem intent on paying an ounce of attention to me so I huffed and kicked at a small stone on the lush red carpet and sulked to my room. Maybe coming to Hellsing was a bad idea. It feels like one. I think I need a mantra to tolerate Alucard! I left the corridor hurriedly and went down another set of winding stairs; this time, I'd accidentally entered one of the many basements Sir Integra warned me about some time ago. I heard Alucard lives in a basement. Which basement he lived in, I'm not sure. I might as well go back upstairs now. But wait! What was this? I sauntered towards one of the black doors that said KEEP OUT.

There was this small window on the door and I peeped inside.

A pool.

There was a swimming pool inside the room.

It was Olympic-sized. Holy mama!

Neat! Hellsing has a pool! But why does the sign say KEEP OUT with this big giant red cross on the NO SWIMMING sign? Oh well. If it's one smart thing I know, and that is rules are meant to be broken! I tried the door handle and found that it opened easily; it had been unlocked. I stepped inside and peered around the dark, dark brick-walled room. It was very large and dark, with minimal light from little bulbs from the ceiling which were flickering dimly. The water of the pool looked dark, too. It also smelled like… fish?

Oh well, I could do with a swim anyway. Swimming always calms my nerves. I hastily took off my t-shirt and denims and left myself in my swimsuit. Yeah, I brought a swimsuit to Hellsing. They really should have a brochure outlining their facilities. Next time I'll be more prepared.

I inched towards the pool and tested the water with my big toe. It was reasonable, not too cold or too warm. With a smile, I slipped inside the cool water and I was floating on my back happily when I heard it.

A splash.

It came from somewhere behind me, in the pool. I rolled to my side so I was back to floating upright in the water. "Hello? Is someone here?" I looked around. There was no-one. I'm not stupid to think 'maybe I was hearing things' because I wasn't. I heard it. It was loud and the water's rippling faster, as though something had disturbed it.

Whatever it was, I didn't know.

It was probably a good time to get out of the pool now… I began swimming to the edge of the pool, but then it happened: something wrapped around my left ankle and in seconds, I slipped under the cold, chilly water.

I screamed as I went completely under, although by that time, all that escaped my throat was a stream of frothy bubbles gurgling out from my nose and mouth. There was a grip on my leg that wouldn't go. It was slimy and freezing-cold and I glanced around frantically in the darkness of the pool only to see something large and grey beneath me. It only let go when a bullet penetrated the water's surface and skimmed through the pool, whizzing past me like a jet in slow-mo. I could see the little bubbles following the bullet, following the force of the bullet that had been ejected when someone pulled the trigger. I didn't think you could hear sounds in the water, but there was a terrible screeching noise, like nails on chalkboard, and I winced in agony. Yet once I was released, I kicked and paddled to the surface as quickly as I could, and I sucked in a well-loved breath of oxygen before I made a frantic swim to the pool edge and climbed out.

Alucard was waiting for me; he grabbed me by the back of the neck and lifted me up to my feet where I stood, sopping wet and bedraggled. "What are you doing here?" He barked, as he watched me pant and gasp heavily, "Did you not read the sign?" Then he was gesturing to the Keep Out sign and the No Swimming sign.

"I did, but I wanted to take a swim."

He flicked his red eyes down to my swimsuit. One scarlet eye twitched. "…And what is that repulsive adornment? You are barely covered. Where is your sense of modesty?" He snarled furiously at me.

I glanced down at myself. "It's a swimsuit."

"You brought a… 'swimsuit' to Hellsing?"

I shrugged.

He gritted his teeth, and I cringed slightly. "This is not a holiday resort, Pizza Girl," He snarled, before he took off his coat and draped it over my shivering self, buttoning it to my neck. However, I was no longer looking at him, but at the surface of the pool.

"…What was that?" I asked, my voice was wobbling uncontrollably, "What was that thing that tried to drag me under the water?"

They had monsters in Hellsing? Figures, I didn't think Alucard would be the only one.

"It was not a 'thing', Pizza Girl. It has a name, and I don't want you to come here ever again. Next time, I won't be here to protect you."


I whipped my head up to him in shock. "…Hey, now that I think about it…what are you doing here anyway? I thought you were angry at me and I thought you hated me. You just saved me. You were worried? Did you…come to check up on me?"

His face faltered slightly.

"Oh. It's the potion acting up again." I brushed him off with a shrug, "Whatever."

He gave me this long look but said nothing except seize my wrist and drag me away from the pool edge. I grabbed my discarded clothes as we passed the exit, then to the pool where I could see bubbles forming. But nothing appeared on the surface except from a large, grey fish fin. It looked smooth and sleek, and it zipped through the water for a brief moment, before disappearing into the dark depths…


1. Errm the song Narsha made up was from The Simpsons, one of the Christmas episodes, I think.

2. When Narsha comes up with an example mantra to tolerate Alucard, there's gaps, but it's not an error, cos this site is so stoopid it never came up so I had to put the gaps in TT_TT