Disclaimer: All rights not to me.
Author's Note: Uh… hi. I know, I know—"Pidge, you need to be working on Memories! You haven't updated in ages! Nag, nag, nag!" Listen. I'm getting that far in my life. I just saw this head canon from hedwigcanons . tumblr . com (remove spaces) and felt the need to write a fanfic about it. So, yay. The specific head canon is: Teddy Lupin was the one to buy James and Albus their first rounds of firewhiskey. Albus was a lightweight. Needless to say, Harry was not impressed with his godson when he delivered his two sons home that night.
Summary: Where's Al's left foot? Why is the zebra out of the zoo? Who took James' pants? What's Harry going to say when he finds out? Teddy decides to take James and Albus for their first taste of alcohol. One-shot.
In hindsight, it probably wasn't Teddy's brightest idea.
He only wanted to do something fun with his two god-brothers—who, really, were as good as his actual brothers anyway. Go to a bar, share a few drinks, have a good time. That's all.
But he is the son of a Marauder, and godson of Harry Potter. He should have known his plan wouldn't go as intended; after all, had it ever?
Earlier that day:
The doorbell to the Potter's rang loudly throughout the house. It rang once—twice—three times in quick succession and every member in the house knew who it was before the door even opened.
"Teddy!" Lily cried, springing up from the floor where she had been playing Exploding Snap with Albus and running to greet her god-brother at the door.
Teddy let himself in, only to be ambushed before he could even step over the threshold entirely. "Whoa!" he exclaimed as Lily practically threw herself in his arms. "Hey, kid."
"I've missed you!" she cried, hugging him tightly around the waist. She was going to be a third year come next term and was used to being at Hogwarts for most of the year by now, but she still missed seeing her family, Teddy especially. Teddy's visits had become fewer and farther in between as he was at the ripe age of twenty-four and never had much time to visit them between juggling his girlfriend Victoire—soon to become fiancée, as everyone in the extended Weasley family were betting on—and his job as an Auror.
"Me too, Lil," he agreed, hugging her back. When they released, Teddy grinned over at Al who was still lying on his stomach on the floor next to their game. "Hey, Al."
"Hey, Teddy!" he greeted brightly. "Lil, are you going to finish this game or what?"
Lily nodded and joined him back on the floor. Teddy watched them play for a few moments but soon grew bored of watching. "Where's James?" Oddly enough, the eldest Potter child hadn't shown his face yet. It was very out of character for James, who was usually the first to greet him and when he wasn't he was a close second behind Lily.
"Dunno." Lily shrugged. "Flying?"
Ah, yes. James, now about to be a sixth year, was in love with Quidditch. It was his favorite game, always had been since he was a toddler and would ride on his toy broom. It used to be so bad that Teddy remembered Ron asking Harry if he slept with that broom. Harry's only reply was a smile.
"Yeah, the Quidditch Captain spot is open this year," Al piped up. "He's hoping for the job."
"And knowing him, he'll get it. He's addicted to that game," Lily said.
"True," Teddy agreed. "Think he's too busy to go into Hogsmeade with me?"
"Hogsmeade?" Albus repeated, gaze snapping up from the game to look at Teddy. "Why're you going there?"
"I was hoping to take the two of you," he explained, indicating Al and James. "Guy's night out."
Lily looked stricken. "What about me?"
"I'm sorry, Lil," Teddy immediately apologized. He didn't mean to leave the youngest Potter out, but there was no way he could involve an almost-thirteen-year-old in his plans. There was no way he'd be that irresponsible. "But don't worry, alright? I'll make it up to you."
Lily still looked disappointed, but she brightened a little bit at Teddy's promise. "Really?"
"Yeah, I swear. God-brother's honor."
"Okay. I'm holding you to that." She held her arm out for him to shake.
He did so, closing their deal. "I'd expect no less."
She grinned and ran off into the backyard to get James.
While she was gone, Albus turned to Teddy, eyebrows raised. "What are you planning?"
Teddy's face split into a grin. "Trust me, Al. It'll be loads of fun."
"Please don't tell me we're pranking the Minister or anything," he pleaded. It was the sort of thing a second generation Marauder would do but he'd definitely need help from both James and Al to pull it off.
Teddy laughed. "Merlin, no! I'm not suicidal!"
"Then what is it?"
"It's a surprise."
"That sounds ominous," came a new voice in the conversation. James walked in, his hair windblown from being on his broom, and Lily towed in behind him. "A surprise from Teddy Lupin? That can't be good."
"You'll like it. Trust me," Teddy said.
"Let me guess, I can't know about it," Lily said, though she smiled a little as she said it. "Good. Then I won't be lying when I say I had no idea what you were doing when you find yourselves in loads of trouble."
"We won't be doing anything dangerous," Teddy assured her. Not really, anyway, he thought.
"With you three? Anything you do could become dangerous."
With that happy statement, she skipped up the stairs to her bedroom.
Once she was gone, James and Al rounded on Teddy. "What are you planning?"
"I'm not telling you," he replied. "You'll just have to see. Come on; let's go before one of your parents finds us."
Last thing he needed was either Ginny or Harry inquiring about their expedition to Hogsmeade. With his luck, they'd figure him out.
This would be a night worth remembering, Teddy could feel it in his veins, and he definitely didn't want his godfather or godmother ruining it for the three of them.
"At any time are you going to tell us what you're plotting?" James inquired as the three walked through the village of Hogsmeade.
They'd all been there before, thanks to Hogwarts' Hogsmeade weekends, and knew their way around pretty well. Still, neither of the Potter boys could figure out just where Teddy was trying to get. They'd already passed the Honeydukes and Zonko's, where else could he possibly want to take them?
Teddy stopped in front of the Hog's Head Pub. He turned to his two companions with a large smile on his face. "Well?" he asked. "What do you think?"
The brothers shared a look. "Are you seeing something we aren't?" Albus asked.
"Yeah. All I see is the Hog's Head, and that can't possibly be the surprise you're so excited for…" James trailed off their, the light going off over his head as if someone had just set the sun there. It was bright, big, and a spectacular revelation he came across. "Oh. Oh."
"What?" Al asked, still in the dark. He was a bit more innocent than his older brother and therefore came to terms a bit later than he did.
"You're not serious?" James asked, grinning like mad.
Teddy didn't respond, only smiled, extremely proud of himself.
"What?" Albus asked a little more impatiently. "What is it?"
"Really, Teddy? Really?" He was practically buzzing with excitement.
"No way!" James punched his fist in the air. "You're the best, Teddy! Honestly!"
"WOULD YOU KINDLY INFORM ME ABOUT YOUR PLANS?" Albus shouted, his temper snapping. He didn't like to be ignored, especially when they were getting so excited and he didn't understand why.
"No need to shout, mate," Teddy chided jokingly.
"Sorry," he apologized, though not sincerely. "But seriously, what are you two going on about?"
"Don't you get it, Al?" James said. He looked as if he was about to start jumping up and down cheering hallelujah.
"Teddy's going to take us to get our first drinks!"
"First drink—?" At first, Al was confused. They've drank plenty of things before—then, it hit him.
They've never had firewhiskey!
And Teddy's going to provide it for them?
Albus could understand James' excitement now. It took all of his willpower not to tackle Teddy in glee. "You mean it?"
"Dad'll kill you if he finds out," Albus couldn't help but point out. Someone needed to, just so it was said and taken under consideration before anything went wrong. Now he couldn't be blamed for not being a voice of reason.
"He won't," James quickly assured Teddy before he could change his mind. He sent a nasty look at Al. "Really, come on! Let's get started!"
Definitely not his best idea. It had started out fine, great even, but it went downhill from there.
They soon discovered Albus could not, in fact, hold any alcohol whatsoever. He was only one and a half firewhiskeys in before he started into a hyper stupor. And James wasn't helping either. He was a happy drunk, but a silly one. Teddy's work was cut out for him, but hey—at least they were having a good time.
"Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy!" The cry had started out innocently enough—just a drunken happy call for Teddy's attention—but when he ignored it the cry became panicked. Before he could reassure his youngest god-brother, Albus was shaking James.
"James! James, Teddy's dead! Look, he's unresponsive!" He pointed to the very alive Teddy who was calmly sipping his alcohol.
James shoved Al's hand off him, causing Al to topple off the chair onto the floor, while James said, "Shut up, Al! I'm busy!"
"James! Teddy!" Albus cried underneath the table, having rolled under there for some reason unbeknownst to Teddy.
"What, Al?" James snapped. His head was swiveling around back and forth in search for something. Teddy almost asked what he was looking for, but Albus spoke before he could get the chance.
"I—I—I've lost my foot!" he cried in a panic. Then he started laughing, as if he didn't have a care in the world. "Well, would you look at that? I've no foot!"
Teddy nodded, taking another drink of his firewhiskey. "That's nice, Al—wait, what?" Quicker than he thought was possible, he scooted his chair back and looked under the table. To his relief, Al had both his feet intact, though his left was missing its shoe. He didn't bother to correct Albus who seemed quite content knowing he "lost" his foot, as he was singing a song of "No foot, no foot, I'm Albus No Foot!" in a high tone.
Teddy sat back up and looked towards James, rolling his eyes at Al's antics.
But James wasn't there.
"Hey, James is gone," Teddy told Al.
It took a few moments, but the implication of his own statement brought Teddy back into reality. "James is gone!" he cried frantically. He shot up from his seat and looked around wildly. "Al, did you see where he went?"
Albus didn't respond, just continued singing his little song.
"Al!" Teddy tried again, leaning down and sticking his head under the table. "Albus!"
But Albus was too busy laughing at Merlin knows what to pay attention. Teddy growled in annoyance, his hair—which had been brown all night—turning to a worried green. "James?" he called. "Where'd he get off to?" He took a step away from the table before he realized he couldn't just leave Al alone. He might hurt himself. But he needed to find James. Who knew what kind of antics that kid's getting himself into?
Up towards the front of the bar, someone whistled loudly. All heads—of those sober enough to care, anyway—swiveled that way and to Teddy's horror he saw James.
Standing on the bar counter.
"Look!" He exclaimed. His finger led to a short woman clad in a black and white striped shirt. "The zebra's escaped from the zoo!"
The woman huffed and stormed off towards the girl's loo, blushing and, by the looks of the furious way her jaw moved, cursing James to eternity.
Teddy ran over to his god-brother and pulled him down. "Sorry, don't mind him."
They made a quick break to their table. Teddy grabbed up Albus by his sleeve and dragged him away from under the table. "We better get out of here before we get kicked out."
The two brothers either didn't hear him or didn't care because they didn't resist him as he dragged them out of the pub. It was night time now. As soon as they were out, Teddy breathed a sigh of relief. "Glad that's over with."
Albus started dancing in place as best as he could manage.
"Hey!" James cried, looking at his hands in astonishment. "I lost my firewhiskey!"
Teddy didn't feel like explaining the fact he left it in the pub, mostly because he knew James would just try to storm back in there and get it back. "What a shame," he agreed. "Let's get you two home."
Without a second thought, he grabbed the two by their arms and Side-Along Apparated.
His Apparation was a bit sloppy because instead of a normal smooth landing, the three of them landed on the Potter's lawn in a heap. Perhaps Apparating while intoxicated isn't the best plan either, he thought as he rubbed a sore spot where he landed.
Next to his head, James groaned. "So… many… spinning… colors."
"Sorry, mate," Teddy apologized. "Just don't sick up, okay?" That was the last thing he needed: James puking up all over the yard.
"Pretty," Albus commented, pointing to the sky at something apparently only visible to him.
"Yes, very," Teddy said, helping him up. "Now let's get you inside."
Before he could attempt to pull them inside, the front door of the Potter house opened and spilled light onto the dark lawn. Teddy shielded his eyes from the sudden illumination of the previously black air, effectively dropping both Al and James in the process.
Harry stood in the threshold, looking over the three in surprise. "What in the world?"
"H-hey, Harry," Teddy stammered, trying to look as innocent as possible. As if he hadn't just brought home his two drunk sons and as if he wasn't the reason they were drunk in the first place. "How's it going?"
"Fine—James, where are your pants?"
The three, including James, all looked down to see that he indeed was only clad in boxers. He had been wearing trousers before, hadn't he?
Teddy groaned softly. How was he supposed to explain that one? He had no idea how they could have lost those! "Must have lost them during the Apparation?" he suggested. It could happen, couldn't it?
James shrugged. "Dunno. Hey, Dad, did you know Al lost his foot?"
"Oh, yeah!" Al said. Then he broke back into his "Albus No Foot" song.
Harry raised an eyebrow at Teddy questioningly.
He grinned sheepishly.
"Are you three drunk?" Harry asked knowingly.
"Noooo," James said. "We're just a bit tipsy, s'all."
"A bit tipsy," Harry repeated in a voice laced with doubt.
"Like, tha' much." Albus held up his forefinger and thumb until they almost touched, but didn't.
"I see. And who's idea was it to get my fifteen and sixteen year old sons—who are underage—drunk?" He rounded on Teddy who he knew without a doubt was the brains behind this operation.
Teddy stammered. "Uh. Well, y-you, uh, y'see…"
Harry waited patiently for an answer.
"Gotta go, bye!" With that, Teddy turned on his heel and Apparated away quick as a flash, leaving Harry and his drunken kids behind.
He was going to pay for it later, that much was obvious.
But, hey, at least he got to share their first with them.