I sit on the cold bench, my breath freezing, almost before it escapes from my lips. The cold sinks through to my bones, numbing my very soul. The clouds blanket the sun, as the fog in my mind blankets my pain. As long as I don't think about, there is nothing there. As long as I don't think about it, I can't be hurt by life.

The city moves faster than lightening around me; a blur of colours. I don't know where I'm going, I no longer know who I am. The accident took that all away from me. Without my family, I am nothing.

My heart throbs in my throat and I will myself not to cry. Crying won't help anything anymore. Crying will just make me weak. It will make the walls I have built up crack and break. I need them here with me; I'm so lost without them. Why did they have to go out that night? Why hadn't I gone with them?

The world is a cruel place. My life has come to a standstill, but nobody seems to care. I am all alone. Everyone buzzes around me, as though I am invisible to them. I can be screaming at the top of my lungs, but nobody notices. I could disappear, and nobody would come looking for me. Hell, I'm already so lost. I have become the master of hide-and-seek.

XXX

"Sweetheart, we will be back in a bit." Mom called up the stairs.

I quickly ran down and gave her a hug before turning and hugging my older brother, "Good luck! I have no doubt you will come back with a blackbelt!"

"Thanks lil sis!" He ruffled my hair, completely ruining it as usual. "I'll be home to kick your butt tonight, so you best prepare!"

I laughed as my dad hugged me tightly. "Love you princess. Behave while we are gone."

"I will dad, as always," I smirked at my old man and he rolled his eyes. "Drive safe!"

The last time I saw my family alive. They drove off in the rain and I just stood there and waved. I didn't ask them to wait until the roads got better, I didn't ask to go. If only i had, maybe they wouldn't have lost control through the curves. Maybe they wouldn't have hydro-planed into the oncoming traffic. Maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't have collided with that semi.

I feel my body shake with tears that finally pore from my eyes. They leave tracks of black down my cheeks. A little boy stares at me in wondering. I can't even muster a smile for him. All I know is my heart shattering over again as the walls I have built crumble. With shaking fingers I pull a cigarette out of the carton and light up.

I exhale the blue smoke and feel my shaking slowly subside. I know I will forever hold this pain that controls my body. There is no way around it, nowhere to hide from it. It is really the only thing that can find me in a matter of seconds. I am never truly lost to the pain, I am always found.
XXX

I continue to walk through the busy street of New York. They never stopped moving. I watched as the people run by as the clouds part and it begins to rain. For once, things slow down and the world becomes grey. I stand out as I sit in the downpour, becoming soaked to the bone. When things are finally the colour you know, you realize that in this world of colours that fly by every second, it's easy to get lost in the background.