I am finally done work and I trudge home in the twilight. I'm so exhausted I begin to hope for a dreamless sleep. How nice it would be to be able to sleep through the entire night. After spending the morning in my parents' room, it feels as though a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Sure, the hole in my heart is as wide and gaping as ever, but the edges don't feel near as raw. I feel as though I can make a little progress in my life without the edges ripping further apart. Maybe I am beginning to heal a little bit.
The thought of healing is a scary one. For the past two months, I have had nobody. I have wallowed in my sorrows with nobody there to give a rat's ass. I never would have guessed that the first person I would feel comfortable around would be a young man, let alone a famous young man! I walk past a large music shop and stop abruptly. I quickly find myself walking up to the front and asking an employee to show me the way to the Tokio Hotel CDs.
I quickly find Scream and Humanoid. As I look a little harder I come across Schrei and Zimmer 483. I quickly grab the four albums and run up to the counter. I empty my wallet onto the counter, emptying it of my tip money. The toonies and loonies roll every which way and I feel my cheeks flush. "Sorry," I mumble.
The lady flashes me a kind grin. "It's no problem. Are you a big fan?"
I shake my head, "I actually just heard of them today."
"Oh," a slight tone of surprise is evident in her voice. "Well I personally think they are amazing! I'm sure you will enjoy their music."
"Thanks!" I smile back at her and grab my bag. I walk out of the door, sending the cashier a wave over my shoulder.
I walk home quickly, excited to crack open the first CD. I literally run into my room and flop onto my bed. As my Schrei CD plays in the background, I look at the album art. If the name hadn't said Tokio Hotel, I never would have recognized the twins! Sure, the other two look similar to now, but way younger. Bill, he looks unrecognizable! His short hair is spiked and he wears clothes that allow him to breath. Tom has dread-locks! I also notice that Bill has his tongue pierced, which I find incredibly sexy.
'Damn Brittany, get your act together!' I think to myself.
I am interrupted by my phone going off.
'Is this Britt?' is the message I receive.
I smile like an idiot and reply, 'Yes :) who may this be?'
'It's Bill :) I hope you don't mind me texting you?'
'Of course not!' I quickly reply.
Ten minutes go by with Ich Bin Nich' Ich playing in the background and I find myself humming along. I drag my lazy butt out of bed and put in Zimmer 483. I crank up the music and walk to the kitchen to fix myself some supper. When I return to my bed with a fresh tomato and bacon sandwich, I find another text.
'Are you free tomorrow?' I have to re-read the text twelve times before I can shake my shock. My hands are shaking like the leaves in a fall breeze. I'm not to sure what he means by asking me that, and I'm too afraid to ask. I let Bill's voice wash over me, comfort me. I felt myself getting lost in the melody; I'm always losing myself to shy away from hurt. The German is so soft, as though the young man is singing straight to me, straight into my very being. It's ironic how I am letting myself be comforted by the voice of the very man that is making me fret.
I switch the CD to Scream. As Don't Jump begins playing, I feel tears gather in my eyes. I feel the way Bill's voice begs one to hold on. It feels as though he is speaking directly to me, that he is telling me not to give up. I let his lyrics wash over me, absorb me. I become so completely lost I am startled when my phone goes off again. 'Britt, did I offend you? If so, I am very sorry.'
The sincerity behind his text and his lyrics makes my entire body shudder in sobs. This is too much, I don't know if I'm ready to be found yet. Slowly I send him back another message. 'I'm free after 2.'
Before I know it he has replied once again. 'I'll meet you at Jack's Coffee Shop at exactly 2:05 :) see you tomorrow!'
I smile softly at the smiley face he has added. Bill isn't like most people I know, which is good. I am no longer the person I used to be, nor do I fit in with the people I used to know. This is new for me, and terrifying. I don't know how to socialize anymore. The most social interaction I have had since the accident has been the week of the funeral, and the people I sell coffee to at the café. I don't know how to date men who have women chasing after them every second of every day. 'Don't get carried away!' I mentally yell at myself 'You don't even know if this is a DATE!'
I flop face-first into my pillow with Bill's voice crooning away in the background. I fall asleep thinking of this interesting foreign man. I don't know where this is going to go, but for the first time in two months, I don't care. I am willing to let myself be found, if only for a little while. Even the masters of hide-and-seek needs a break every now and then.
I awake to my alarm clock buzzing in my ear. The annoying buzz makes me want to scream at the world and I pull a pillow over my head. Slowly it dawns on me I actually slept until my alarm clock went off. This shakes me out of my stupor and grumpy mood. Bill's voice is still playing softly in the background as I get out of bed. I open up my final CD and put it in. The music in Humanoid is different than the music from the previous three CDs. I find myself swaying my hips as I get ready for my next shift at the café. My poor stereo is going to die from exhaustion if I keep this whole music thing up. It is so used to collecting dust in the past couple months, I begin to worry for its life. Without my newfound love in Tokio Hotel to listen to, I may have a breakdown.
As I am about to head out the door, I remember that I am meeting Bill at the end of my shift. I quickly stuff a pair of black skinny jeans and a faded black band shirt into my backpack. I walk to work, smiling at those who walked past me. For the first time in months, I feel free. Yes, I am still so lost in myself I have trouble with putting myself out there, but I am getting closer and closer to finding myself every single day.
My shift at the café is slow. It's Friday, and most of the businessmen have already taken off for the weekend. I go to the bathroom to brush on some mascara, apply minimal eyeliner, and wipe some lip-gloss over my plump lips. I need to make a good impression, even if it isn't a real date. Jack catches me as I look my reflection over in the window once again.
"Britt, hun, just calm down!" He rubs my shoulders for me. "Whoever this stud is that you're getting all dolled up for is, he is one lucky bugger!"
"Jack!" I blush and giggle a little, "please don't embarrass me! Isn't it enough that you know that I'm going out."
He sighs and wraps me in a hug. "Hun, I'm just glad to see you smile. Since that day, you haven't really smiled at anyone. I just want to shake the hand of this man and thank him. I may also give him a little warning." He adds the last part as an afterthought.
My laughter is cut short as I see Bill standing outside of the café, fifteen minutes early! I give an unwilling squeak and duck behind the counter. "Why is he early?" I hiss.
"Go get dressed, you're free to go for the day." Jack pulls me back to my feet while shaking his head. "You are one crazy girl Brittany."
"Thanks Jack!" I hug him tightly before running off to change. I walk outside of the café just as Bill is getting ready to come in. "Hi!"
"Hallo!" He is startled before he realizes it is me. He sends me a warm smile and surprises me by pulling me into a tight hug.
"You're early." I tease him a little and am slightly satisfied when I see him blush.
"I am sorry, I was just so excited to see you!" He chuckles a little and his laughter makes my heart melt. I am distracted by my thoughts and I feel a blush as he speaks again, trying to get through my muddled mind. "Are you ready to go?"
"Where are we going?" I look at him closely, noticing he is dressed very low key again. His face has only minimal makeup and he is wearing a hat to cover his dark hair. I want to take his hat off and run my fingers through his hair; I want to feel the silkiness. I snap myself out of my thoughts and send him a big smile.
He smiles back and I melt a little more. "I thought we could go for a walk and maybe grab a bite to eat in a bit."
"That sounds great." We walk side by side in silence for a few minutes. Eventually we are in the park that is close to my house and I turn to look at the tall man beside me again. He towers over me and I giggle to myself.
"What's so funny?" He raises his pierced eyebrow, his voice is thick with his German accent.
"Oh nothing," I shrug, still laughing a little under my breath.
"Well come down to the water!" Bill grabs my hand and pulls me to the edge of the water. We watch the ducks floating carelessly and I begin to lose myself again. I can feel the numbness creeping up from my toes. I wish I were free like them; able to go wherever, whenever. I want to be able to float away.
I flop down, not caring if the ground was dirty. I don't notice the look Bill gives me, I just pull my knees to my chest and stare at the water with empty eyes. I don't notice Bill shrugging out of his jacket, then his sweater, before replacing his jacket and laying his sweater on the ground. I don't notice him sit beside me and look out at the water as well.
After a few moments he speaks again, "What's wrong Britt?"
His voice is so soft, it takes me a few moments to realize he has spoken to me. "I'm sorry," I blush, embarrassed I have unknowingly let this man slip under my walls a little bit. "I'm not all here today."
"It's ok," he wraps his hands around mine, pulling my tightly-held body apart. I feel some of the numbness ebb and a blush rise to my cheeks. We sit there for half an hour before he breaks the silence once again. "I'm starving."
I throw my head back in laughter. He simply stares at me for a couple seconds before he joins me in laughter. "I'm sorry," I chuckle, "I just didn't expect that."
We stood and Bill pulls his hand away. I slip my hands into my hoodie pockets and Bill picks his sweater up off the ground before slinging it over his arm. We walk together, asking silly questions such as favorite colours and foods. It felt strange, getting to know another man. Sean and I had been together for two years officially before it all ended after the accident. He had been my only other boyfriend, the only man I had taken the time to get to know, to let him get to know the real me. The feeling begins to return to my limbs and it makes me a little dizzy. It's tough trying to be found when I have become so good at hiding.
We arrive at a small café, a couple blocks from Jack's place. We step in and I smile as I see all of the older couples out for their afternoon coffee. Bill grabs my hand and pulls me to the back of the café and we slide into a booth. "Have you ever been here?" He asks me.
I shake my head, "This is my first time."
At my statement it is his turn to laugh. His teeth show as he grins widely when his laughing fit is over. "Well Brittany, I am glad I could claim your Journey virginity."
This makes me join him in laughter and it feels so natural that our hands join again. Before long, Bill has ordered four different desserts and two sweet steamers for us to sip on. When everything arrives, I feel my teeth ache in anticipation of the amount of sugar we are about to consume. "Bill, you are a crazy man."
He laughs and takes a huge bite of chocolate cake. He speaks around a mouthful, "I'm not crazy, just German."
This throws me into yet another fit of laughter. The guilt that tries to make its way up and ruin my day is threatening to make my heart break. I push it back as far as I can and take a sip of my vanilla steamer. "You like coffee shops, is that another German thing too?" I tease.
"Well, you know how us Europeans like our tea and everything." He jokes back.
We continue to banter for a while, finishing off all of the desserts. The sun sets and the streetlights come on before we finally decide to part ways. "Thank you for everything Bill."
"Not a problem," he gives my hand a squeeze. "I'll text or call you, okay?"
I nod and smile up at him. "I'll see you later."
He stops me, "Can I walk you home?"
"It's ok," I slowly pull away. This is not what I need right now. Nobody has come to the house in two months. "See you Bill."
I arrive at work the next day and hear an earsplitting scream. "You're famous!"
I stare at Stacey in shock and wonder. She is waving something around and I can't see what it is. She jumps up and down, screaming with a huge smile on her face. Her words sounds like a solid high-pitch squeal. I am tempted to plug my ears, but refrain. "I'm sorry, what?"
She stops jumping and thrust the magazine under my nose. "Look."
On the cover is a picture of Bill and I at the coffee shop, holding hands. We are laughing and eating out desserts. I feel the heat rush to my cheeks as I notice I have chocolate on my top lip. I stare at the paper, no knowing what to say.
So just saying, twins are adorable, no matter what! I just watched 10 year old twins on Ellen and they are soooo cute! All i can think about is Bill and Tom as kids xP
"Laughter is the weapon in the war of unhappiness"- Jason Mraz
A long one for ya! I hope you guys enjoyed! :)
Any ideas/suggestions are welcomed! Even just a simple review ;) haha cookies for reviewers! 3