Threadbare South Park
Episode #6: "Fall of the House of Pierzynski"
(TSP Season 1 Episode 6)
ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY THREADBARE...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.
The third grade students are standing around and talking in the classroom when the bell rings for school to start. Many of the kids are dressed up in suits, scrubs, etc. Mr. Garrison enters the room.
Mr. Garrison: Alright, children, let's settle down now. Take your seats. [The kids disperse and sit down in their seats.] Now, I hope you've all been working hard on your Career Projects, because we're going to start presenting them today.
Kyle (whispering to Stan): I'm gonna be a detective!
Stan (whispering to Kyle): I'm gonna be a marine biologist!
Cartman (snickering): You two are total fags.
Mr. Garrison: Now, who would like to volunteer to go first? [Clyde raises his hand.] Okay, Clyde, why don't you get us started?
Clyde wears a tuxedo and has his hair slicked back. He walks up to the front of the class and begins to read off of a sheet of paper.
Clyde (sounding choppy, since he's reading directly off the sheet): When I grow up, I will be a politician. I will help make laws to make America a better place. I will make meatloaf illegal and on Fridays, I will give everyone free ice cream. I will… also make a law to prevent animal shelters from putting puppies to sleep. Puppies are cute and cuddly. I do not want them to die.
Mr. Garrison: Gosh, Clyde, what are you going to do with all those stray dogs?
Clyde stares at Mr. Garrison for a moment, looking clueless about what to say next. Eventually, he just continues reading.
Clyde: I will make our economy better. I will make taxes lower and give money to the poor.
Mr. Garrison: How exactly do you expect that to work?
Mr. Hat: Yeah, it sounds like you have a pretty weak understanding of economics, Clyde.
Clyde glances at Mr. Hat then back at his paper a few times before continuing.
Clyde (looking nervous): …Most of all, I want to be a politician because I want to help my local community. I will build parks and plant trees. I will build schools and roads and libraries, and everyone will love me. The end.
The class claps politely. Mr. Garrison writes down some notes on the presentation.
Mr. Garrison: God help the district that elects you, Clyde Donovan. Who's up next? How about Charlie?
Charlie eagerly hops out of her seat. She wears hiking boots, brown pants, a brown leather jacket, and an old-fashioned pilot's cap and goggles. She goes up to the front of the classroom, holding onto a rolled-up poster.
Charlie: When I grow up, I am going to be an airline pilot.
Cartman (looking dubious): Seriously?
Charlie: I'll be in charge of taking off, manning the plane, keeping an eye on the plane and the weather, and landing.
Mr. Garrison: That's very cute, Charlie, but unless you want to end up a failure like Clyde, you're going to have to give more detail than that.
She unrolls the poster. Inside is a detailed sketch of the interior of an airplane. The poster is titled "Boeing 787 Dreamliner." She sets it on the ledge of the chalkboard and points to the various aspects of the design with a collapsible metal pointer as she describes them.
Charlie: This is the design of my favorite model of airplane, the Boeing 787 "Dreamliner." It is a brand new model: its first commercial flight was just this October, there are only eleven of them in use! It is a long-range, mid-size, wide-body, twin-engine jet airliner developed by the Boeing Commercial Airplanes company. It can seat from 210 to 290 passengers, and it's the company's most fuel-efficient jet; it uses 20% less fuel than the Boeing 767, which is about the same size. It's got a four-panel windshield, noise-reducing technology on the engines, and a smoother nose contour. People: this [she points at the picture] is the future of long-distance air travel.
Cartman (yawning): That sounds lame.
Charlie: Does not!
Stan: Don't worry, Charlie. Cartman's just mad because he's too fat to be a pilot. He's so heavy he'd crash the plane.
A few students snicker.
Cartman: Hey! I'm not fat!
Mr. Garrison: Shut up, Eric! We've got a lot of these things to get through! [To Charlie] Let's wrap this thing up, Charlotte.
Charlie: In conclusion, I am going to be a pilot when I grow up because I'll get to go to all sorts of exciting places and use a Boeing 787. And I'll get to fly thousands of feet off the ground at high speeds in a giant hunk of steel and live. The end.
Charlie goes back to her seat. Cartman rolls his eyes and looks over at her.
Cartman: That was pretty embarrassing, kiddo. You're so butch, I think I can actually see a bulge down there.
Charlie glares at him but doesn't say anything.
Mr. Hat: Well, why don't you do your presentation next then, Eric, if you're gonna be a bitchy little smartass.
Mr. Garrison: That sounds like an excellent idea, Mr. Hat.
Cartman: Fine. I will.
Cartman walks up to the front of the room. He folds his hands behind his back and speaks in an unusually sweet tone.
Cartman: When I grow up, I am going to have the most wonderful, the most satisfying, the most AWESOME career ever. I… am going to be a chef. [The kids in the class start to snigger. Cartman's self-satisfied smirk turns into a glare.] Hey! Don't you assholes laugh at me!
Mr. Garrison: You watch your goddamn mouth, Eric, or I'm taking your ass to the principal's office!
Cartman (whining): But Mr. Garrison! They're being disrespectful while I'm trying to give my presentation!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, please. Don't give me any of that whiny baby bull crap.
Craig: Yeah, and being a chef is totally gay.
Cartman: I don't think anybody asked for your opinion, CRAIG! Now if I may continue… [He clears his throat.] I want to be a chef because I will be able to share my delicious creations and my love of food with the world. But mostly, I'll just eat.
Kyle: Yeah, like you need to spend any more time around food.
Cartman (glaring): You know what? Screw you guys! If you don't want to sample my caramel brownies, then I guess that's just more for me!
The other students stop snickering and lean forward in their seats.
Clyde: Did you say caramel brownies?
Cartman goes to his desk and pulls out a plate of wrapped-up brownies.
Cartman (in a sugary-sweet voice): Yes, Clyde, I did say "caramel brownies." I made them myself to share with the class. [His voice returns to normal.] But since they're being ASSHOLES, I guess I'll just eat them myself!
Mr. Garrison (eyeing the brownies hungrily): Eric Cartman, you share your brownies with the class right now, young man!
Mr. Garrison (growling): Eric…
Cartman begins to distribute the brownies, giving one to each child—except for Kyle, whose desk he passes.
Kyle: Hey! You skipped me, fatass!
Kyle: Give me a brownie, Cartman!
Cartman: [Finishes distributing the rest of the brownies] Fine fine—oh. Uh-oh…
Kyle: What is it?
Cartman (with feigned concern): Oh, wait a minute. Mr. Garrison, I forgot to make sure that I used kosher margarine…
Cartman (with the same pretend sympathy): Yeah. I guess that means Kyle can't eat them, huh? [He takes away Kyle's brownie.] Sorry Kyle. What a bummer.
Charlie: Whoa, you can't eat that 'cause of your religion? Being Jewish must suck!
Kyle: No it doesn't!
Stan takes a bite of his brownie.
Stan: Whoa… these are actually really good! Kyle, you have no idea what you're missing!
As the kids (minus Kyle) begin to eat their brownies, a student enters the room and hands Mr. Garrison a note. Mr. Garrison reads it as the kid hurries away.
Mr. Garrison: Uh… [Looking up] Charlie, you're going to have to go down to Mr. Mackey's office for a talk.
Charlie, about to take her first bite of brownie, puts the treat down and looks up, concerned.
Charlie: Huh? What'd I do?
Mr. Garrison: Nothing. But it's Mr. Mackey's job to talk with students with emotional problems, to help them sort out their feelings or some bull-crap like that.
Charlie stares at Mr. Garrison, looking quite unhappy with this turn of events, and Cartman lets out a shout of glee.
Cartman: Whoa-ho! Looks like Charlie's one of the weird kids!
Charlie: Nuh-uh! I am not!
Cartman: Yeah-huh! Only the weird kids get called to the guidance counselor to talk about their feelings.
Charlie glances over at Stan and Kyle, who nod and shrug in affirmation.
Stan: He's right.
Mr. Garrison: Hurry up, Charlotte, I've got a class of normal kids to teach.
Timmy (randomly, from the corner of the room): TIMMEH!
Charlie sighs and walks from the room, brownie uneaten. Clyde stares at it for a few seconds before grabbing it from her desk.
Charlie walks down the hallway toward the counselor's office. As she approaches the doorway, she slows down, hesitates, and finally raises her first to knock. At that same moment, the door swings open, and she finds herself face-to-face with an angry-looking black-haired boy with thick eyebrows. Charlie yelps and jumps back in surprise. The boy doesn't react at all. Mr. Mackey walks up behind him.
Mr. Mackey: Now, I want you to think about some of those anger management strategies we talked about, Damien, m'kay?
Damien: Deep breathing and Pilates to tame the beast within!
Mr. Mackey: Exactly! I'll see you next week, m'kay?
Damien walks away, not acknowledging Charlie, who still stands in a substrate position a few feet from the doorway. Her shoulders are hunched, and she rubs her hands together below her chin.
Mr. Mackey (looking at a clipboard): M'kay… You are… Charlie Pierzynski… [Sudden look of recognition] Oh, Charlie Pierzynski! You're the little abused girl, m'kay? We've talked before.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay! [He steps out of the way of the entrance.] Why don't you come in and sit down so we can get to know each other a little better, m'kay?
Still rubbing her hands together, Charlie enters the office and sits down on the couch. Mr. Mackey sits in a chair across from her, pen poised above a clipboard with notepaper.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay... Now, do you prefer Charlie or Charlotte?
Charlie: Uh... I...don't really care, but my name's Charlie.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay... But your full name is Charlotte.
Charlie: Naw, it's... it's just Charlie. Charlie May Pierzynski.
Mr. Mackey: ...M'...Is that a family name, or-?
Charlie wears an expression of mixed aggravation and wistfulness.
Charlie: It's my mom's fault.
Jane Pierzynski is in the hospital in a gown, moaning through labor pains. Joe Pierzynski sits nearby, smoking a cigarette and flipping through a guitar magazine. Jane is flanked by a doctor and a nurse.
Doctor: You're doing great, Miss Williams.
Jane (whilst groaning): It's Mrs. Pierzynski now, Doc! Me and Joe went and got married! [Groans loudly; the doctor peers under her gown.] We're gonna start a family!
Doctor: That's very cute that you think that. Oh, look! It's crowning!
Nurse: Give us another good push, Jane!
Jane lets out a final loud moan and the doctor reveals a crying baby moments later.
Doctor: Congratulations, Jane! It's a girl!
Jane (breathing heavily): A girl...
Nurse: Oh, do you have a name in mind?
Jane: Well, I do like the name Charlotte... But see, I've been thinking lately; wouldn't it be just precious if she was called Charlie?
Doctor: ...As a nickname, or...?
Jane: As a real name! I think I'm gonna do it! It'd be so cute and funny! What do you think, Joe?
Joe glances up from his magazine.
Joe: It's your kid, you call it what you want.
Jane: Then Charlie it is. Charlie May Pierzynski... So cute and funny...
Charlie: Cute and funny... Mom always said she thought it was cute and funny. [She stares irritably at Mr. Mackey.] I don't think it's cute or funny.
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, that was kind of a bitch move on your mom's part, m'kay.