In front of Cartman's house, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stare irritably at Eric from his front step.

Kyle: Come on, Cartman! You can't just kick us out right before the boss stage!

Cartman: Uh, yeah I can.

Kenny: [The fuck is your problem, cock-sucker?]

Cartman: Shut up Kenny. Screw you guys; go the fuck home.

Cartman slams the door in their faces. The three other boys start walking angrily away from the house.

Kyle: What a douche.

Cartman watches them leave from his window. Once they're a safe distance away, he hurries out of the house and heads in the opposite direction.


Inside Chef's house, Chef is humming soulfully to himself as he prepares some batter, a cookbook open. He pauses to take a small taste, smiles, and continues humming and stirring. The doorbell rings. Chef sets down the batter and heads to the front room, opening the door for Cartman.

Chef: Hello, children!

Cartman: Hey, Chef.

Chef: Come on in! I was just working on my patent white velvet cake with a sweet cream cheese frosting.

Cartman: Sweeeeeeeet.

Cartman enters the house. Chef leads him to the kitchen, where the bowl of batter sits alongside a bowl of frosting he's still preparing.

Chef: Now, the key to the frosting is to make sure the cheesy flavor is subtle and sweet, but creamy and soft, like the experience of pleasuring a beautiful woman. [Cartman stares at the bowl of batter as Chef talks, his voice somewhat dulled by Cartman's lack of paying attention.] Now the key is to add some sugary cream, vanilla, and milk in with the cream cheese. [He begins adding some ingredients as Cartman continues to stare hungrily at the batter.] Stir it softly…gently….lovingly….[Chef closes his eyes as he seems to drift off to fantasyland.] …like you're caressing the body of a beautiful, sultry woman. You gotta smell that icing, taste that icing…love that icing… Mmmmmmm-mmmm!

Chef opens his eyes again and looks down at Cartman. Cartman is holding the now-empty bowl of batter, remnants of the concoction all around his mouth. Chef simply stares at the boy for several seconds.


Cartman is shoved out the front door by Chef.

Cartman: Owwwww!

Chef: Now, you can come back once you're serious about learning how to cook! I ain't here to be your babysitter! Now get on back home, children!

Chef slams the door. Cartman whines.

Cartman: Hmph!


Stan enters his house, sighing. He glowers as he walks up the stairs, muttering about Cartman being a "douchebag", and walks to the door to Shelly's room. Without knocking, he opens the door. Inside, Charlie is holding the diary, a pen to the paper. She stares at him, looking horrified. Stan stares back.

Charlie: …It's not what it looks like.

Stan: "My Super-Secret Diary XOXO."

Charlie is unable to respond. Stan starts to laugh. Charlie glares and throws the book aside, marching out of the room, humiliated. Stan, still giggling, glances over to make sure Charlie is gone before walking over to where the purple diary lies and opening it up.

Diary: Dear Diary; Mr. Mackey and Mrs. Marsh say I should write in you because my emotions are screwy. I don't really know what to write, but I'm going to try anyway. Today I did my career project thingy in school. Cartman said it was really butch that I wanted to be a pilot. But he wanted to be a chef, so he's gay too. But he did bring brownies to school. They looked real good. I didn't even get to eat any of mine though because Mr. Mackey made me go to his office. Then we talked about…

Stan looks up from the diary, apparently no longer interested in what Charlie has written. His mind wanders to the caramel brownies Cartman brought to school that day… They were so good… A mental image of his first bite of brownie replays over and over again in Stan's mind… He closes the diary and walks out of the room, transfixed with thoughts of brownies.


Cartman enters his house after his meeting with Chef, looking extremely peeved. His mother is sitting on the couch.

Liane: Everything alright, snookums?

Cartman: No, everything is not alright! Chef was a total bully and didn't even let me eat the frosting!

Liane: Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie-poo.

Cartman, whining to himself, starts to walk up the stairs.

Liane: Oh, Eric?

Cartman (snapping): What?

Liane: Quite a few of your little friends stopped by while you were gone.

Cartman: Ugh, next time Kyle comes over, just ignore him, Mom!

Liane: Oh, it wasn't Kyle, sweetums. But a lot of your other little classmates came by. It was kind of strange, really. [She puts a hand to her chin reflectively.] They came one at a time, and they all looked very nervous. One little boy came to the door at least three times. I think he might still be in the bushes, actually.

Cartman glances out the front window and sees Clyde staring into the house, his face pressed against the glass. Clyde attempts to duck out of view once spotted. Cartman, looking both annoyed and baffled, goes out his front door and turns to the left, where Clyde is crouching in the bushes.

Cartman: Clyde, what the fuck?

Clyde: …Hi Cartman.

Cartman: Oh, hey Clyde. Hey. Uh, say, this might come off as a sort of odd question to be asking, but what the fuck are you doing in my bushes?

Clyde: …Nothing. [Cartman stares at him with obvious annoyance.] …Look, Cartman, do you have any more of those brownies?

Cartman: What?

Clyde: You know, the caramel brownies you brought in to school? Do you have any more of them?

Cartman: No. And if I did, shit if I'm sharing them with you asshole.

Clyde leaps up from out of the bushes and onto the front stoop. He grabs a visibly startled Cartman by the front of his coat and shakes him, looking almost panicked.

Clyde: I need more brownies, man! You have to make more brownies!

Cartman frees himself from Clyde's grip, backs through the doorway, slams the door, and locks it. Outside, Clyde bangs on the door with both fists, his voice breaking with desperation and emotion.

Clyde: CARTMAN! I NEED MORE BROWNIES, CARTMAN! CARTMAN!

Inside, Cartman and Liane both stare at the door with mixed confusion and fear. Outside, Clyde slides down to his knees and bangs pleadingly at the door with his palms, reduced to tears. Behind him, Stan, Bebe, and Kenny show up, all arriving from different directions. They stare at Clyde sobbing at the doorway.

Stan: Clyde…?

Clyde: He doesn't…have…any more brownies… [Bursts into tears again.]

Bebe runs up to Clyde and shakes him, much like how he shook Cartman.

Bebe: What do you mean he doesn't have any more fucking brownies?! [She bangs at the door.] CARTMAN! ERIC! OPEN THE DOOR, YOU FUCKING SON-OF-A-BITCH!

Stan and Kenny both appeared horrified at the revelation that there are no more brownies. They join Bebe and Clyde on the doorstep.

Stan: CARTMAN! CARTMAN, OPEN UP, ASSHOLE!

Kenny: [Cartman! Cartman, for the love of God Almighty!]

Inside the house, Cartman and his mother continue to stare at the door. Cartman slowly turns to Liane. As the following conversation takes place, the shouting and banging on the door continues.

Cartman: …Mommy, why are all my friends acting like crackheads?

Liane: Oh dear… I must have added too much CGP to the brownies you brought to school…

Cartman: CGP?

Liane: Chologlucogen powder. It's a special ingredient Mommy uses to make her goodies extra tasty. But it's not very healthy to have too much.

Cartman: …But why are all my friends acting like crackheads?

Liane: Well, the ingredient is just an eensy-weensy bit addictive…

Cartman: Holy Christ…And you've been feeding me this shit?!

Liane: Eric, Mommy only uses the ingredient because it makes you so happy when you eat it.

Clyde (from outside, sobbing): I want browniiiieees!

Cartman: Jesus Christ.