This is dedicated to Stormygio, for her birthday!—…which was over a week ago. ._. I'm a terrible girlfriend. O:

"Hey, Light-kun."

It was Matsuda. Light turned to face him with a smile. "What is it?" Light raised an eyebrow when he saw that Matsuda was wearing a rather ridiculous, purple suit.

"Uhh, you're good with girls, right?"

Light blinked at this. Hell yeah, I have, he thought, but of course didn't say that. "Well, I have had quite a few girlfriends over the years. So, I guess you could say that."

"Well, you see…I'm going on a date with someone in an hour, and, uh, I was sort of wondering if you could give me some advice…"

Well, that explains the ugly suit. "Oh, sure. Do you want to learn how to make her like you, or how to make her want to knock you over and fuck you into a mattress? Because I'm fairly good at both."

The reality that he had quite possibly just said the most awkward thing in his life hit Light when the sound of chairs scraping against the floor reverberated all through the room as everyone in the task force turned to stare at him. L flickered his eyes to Light for a fleeting moment, before making the decision to stay out completely of their conversation regarding women, of which he viewed as rather picayune. Light ignored all of this—or, at least, pretended to—and continued staring at Matsuda politely.

Matsuda twitched nervously, feeling the weight of the task force's eyes and not entirely sure how to respond—especially not with the boy's father in the room.

"Uhm," Matsuda shifted from foot to foot, "how about, uhm, like, maybebothIguess? I-I mean, it doesn't matter to me, so—"

You so want to, Light thought, with an amusement that he hoped didn't translate onto his face. "Sounds like a plan. I'll demonstrate with Ryuzaki. As absurd and seemingly impossible it is to imagine, just pretend that he's some nice, beautiful young girl, and you want to date her."

Everyone else in the room pretended to go back to focusing on their assigned tasks, but it was obvious by the overall lack of keys clacking and exceptionally quiet actions that none of them wanted to miss a single word spoken.

"Why does Light-kun feel the need to involve me in his teachings of the opposite sex?" L said the words in the same tone he used with everything, as though he wasn't fantasizing about shooting Light through the head for this.

The look on Light's face suggested that he didn't see anything wrong about his proposition, but L knew better. Light would regret this later. "Well," the teen explained, "I wouldn't want to be trying this with Aizawa, or my father, or something. You're young, so you're the most logical choice.


When L didn't respond, Light explained further. "Also, remember the telephone conversation with my mother a few days ago. Enough said."

"I am still opposed to the idea," L informed, as if Light cared at all.

"Don't worry; you don't have to do a thing. Just sit there and do whatever you're doing, if you'd like."

L simply grunted, and said nothing.

Matsuda felt uncomfortable at the idea of going against L's wishes. He looked as though here were about to protest, but Light spoke before he had a chance to open his mouth.

"Alright, first—how to get them to like you, and want to be more than friends." Light drifted over to L until he was standing right next to where he sat, unceasing in his typing.

"First, start a nice conversation with them," Light went on, pulling a chair up beside L's and sitting down in it. "First, you need to compliment them, and make them feel as if they are a good person. First, when they aren't talking, stare at their nose so that it looks like you're staring at both of their eyes at the same time. Observe." He tried to look at L in the eye, but L appeared to be completely set on not paying him any mind whatsoever.

Light began to hold a one-sided conversation with L, acting as though the older man was actually responding. "Hey! Are you single? Awesome; me too! What's that? You've never even been out on a date before? But, you're such a pretty little thing. I would think that you would have men tripping over their feet to get at you. Oh? All the men think you look like a pedophile who rapes children? You don't look like that at—! Well, maybe a little. Anyway, you're still really pretty…or, maybe 'pretty' is not the word, but you know what I mean. Anyway, this must be fate or something, because I want to sit down right next to you. Mind if I do?"

L treated Light as though he were a ghost, unseen and unheard.

"Any questions?" Light prompted, and .

Matsuda began to shake his head, but then quickly stopped and piped up, "Wait, should I really start saying anything about how she looks, and child rapists?"

"Only if she compares herself to one first, or says she feels she looks like one. As, of course, I just demonstrated."

"I…see. What's next?"

"Well, Matsuda, I'll show you."

Light went again to L and began stroking his arm, soothingly, all the way up to his shoulder. "The trick," Light said, "is to seem as though you are staring through the person, not at them." The teen brushed his fingers against the side of L's face. The detective didn't even look up.

"I see," said Matsuda, observing intensely.

After a bit of time, Light announced, "Now I'll show you how to get them to want to fuck you into a mattress."

Matsuda appeared to perk up with alacrity, indicating to Light that Matsuda was more eager about this aspect of the lesson than he was initially willing to let on. Light smirked.

"Hmmm…" Light looked around the room. His eyes stopped when they landed on L's cake "This next part," Light started, "is how to romantically share food."

Light picked up the plate. Putting a sliver of the pastry on the fork, Light nudged it against L's lips.

Again, one would have thought that Light and the cake didn't even exist. Nonetheless, Light continued to poke L's mouth with the fork repeatedly, resulting in smears of frosting all over the bottom portion of his face.

"This is the part where they'd normally be eating it," Light pointed out. "See? Nomnomnom."

Matsuda continued to stare, looking at the teen in a way that was both absorbed and in disbelief that L hadn't for some reason decided to fire him for this (which Matsuda had convinced himself wasn't technically his fault, because Light had acted on his own.)

After a bit of time, Light placed the pastry plate back down on the table and smirked. "This, Matsuda," he said, "is when you just go all out. Just watch."

And, in that moment, Light smashed his lips against L's, fingers tangling themselves in his unkempt, black hair. Without a moment's delay, L flung his hands to the keyboard and began typing whatever the hell he could possibly think to type during such a moment.

(There's no way any person would be able to focus on work during this, Light was positive.)

Determined to prove that he had broken L's concentration, Light intensified the kiss. Ignoring the fact that L's lips weren't moving at all, the teen dug his tongue as far into L's mouth as he could manage, and didn't break away until he was out breath. When Light glanced at Matsuda, he saw that his eyes were about as big as dinner plates.

"There's no way," Light panted to L, appearing flustered, "that you were able to continue working on the Kira case during that."

"Light-kun is incorrect," L deadpanned, doing his best to cover up his heavy breathing. "His actions have not affected me in the slightest."

Light shook his head in refusal. "No."

He shoved the chair on which L was sitting away from the computer, inspecting the screen for himself.

"Ha!" Light exclaimed, loudly, pointing an accusing finger at the monitor. "You weren't focusing at all! You were only typing random letters. Admit it—you enjoyed that."

"Again, Light-kun is mistaken."

"I am not. I bet you even want to do it again."

Before L could even respond, a rather disturbed-looking Soichiro stood up and said, sternly, "Light, honestly. Enough. If you are going to do things like this, make sure I am not around to see it. Now, others are actually working."

Exhaling, Light sat back down, but he wasn't without plans for possible blackmail.

Wow, I think I just set a new personal record for crappy endings.

Recently, while I was in a particularly immature mood, I let my stalker drag me all over the city while he gave me lessons on "how to seduce people like an expert." He first drilled me with all of these weird techniques, and I was supposed to try them out on strangers we met in the street, or in the café, or wherever it was he decided to drag me to at that particular time. The main idea was that I was supposed to seduce a total stranger (though, not to the point of making them want to fuck me into a mattress, like Matsuda) and then kiss them—and to do this to as many different people as I could (like I said, it was a very immature day). Long, pointless story aside, that's how I got the idea for this fic. Obviously the techniques shown by Light in this are not actually very legit, so I wouldn't recommend using them if for some reason you thought any of it was a good idea. Okay. I'm going to leave you all alone now. Thank you for reading, and I would love it if you reviewed!

~Ratt Kazamata, 5/24/2012