to begin, i conclude
Pinpoints of light scattered in the monotony of space. Beauty unnoticed by the jaded life of a bound mercenary. Such a thirst to prove himself clouded his thoughts. Why did he not push the boundaries? If he really believed in his innate superiority then why live a life of servitude? No, this wasn't an occurrence - it was a remembrance. He had become an objective observer of his own life.
He lived the way in which he learned. The aspect of the Saiyan was simple, yet, how much could a five year old really, practically, retain? How could he possibly carry the weight of an entire race, regardless that he was the prince? It was unfair for him to bear something so immense. The Saiyan way was lost to his perceived idea of his people. Substitutions were made when appropriate, and the gaps filled in by the looming presence of Freeza. Such a strange thing, time. Experienced, but not felt. Elusive and fleeting.
Perhaps he let himself be manipulated in order to validate his selfish, destructive behavior. Whether he was manipulated or not was not in question. Just the how. The when and where. Now he wondered: How long?
How long have I fooled myself? How long have a held true emotions at bay? How long have I been what I hate?
I made that world. I made that Kakarot. I know what this disease truly is. The pride in me kept trying to fight it in hopes to return me to the man I was before. How could I ever again be satisfied with the atrocities I performed while in company of Freeza? How could I find delight in the sado-masochistic behavior which served only to serve itself?
When I was young, you spoke to me Father. You showed me infants being sent to conquer distant stars. You taught me everyone had a place they were born into. So, in essence, what you gave me was a predestined world. To tantalize me, you recounted tales of the Legendary Super Saiyan since my birth.
Father, you crushed my dreams.
When I was that young I held such reverence for our people. You would teach me how to spite them. I had felt nothing save for admiration for our strength. Until you instructed me to abuse it. You wanted me to become the Legendary for your sake. For your pride. For your unrelenting blood-lust and thirst for power. I wanted to become the Legendary to revitalize our species. To become something greater than just a prince, or a king. To become more than a warrior, or a force to be feared. I wanted to be what the title so called itself: a legend. I wanted to elevate the Saiyans to a place of superiority, but not one based merely on the physical and the greedy. I could be the protagonist we so desperately needed.
Yet, you wanted just the opposite. You wanted me to crush the bones of those weaker than us. You wanted me to spill the blood of innocents to feed your ego. You held me above others because you held yourself above others. You wanted me to be a mirror of you. That I allowed that to happen only emphasizes the tragic complacency of ignorance. Your goals became my goals. I inherited everything from you to the point where I was hardly a separate entity. I was merely an extension of you. You gave me life. You gave me your name.
And despite whatever affection you may have felt for me.. it withered under each corpse witnessed.
All I wanted was for you to show me how to love, Dad. It'd take another man to do that.
And how dare he reject my offer! I needed him by my side. I needed to understand what allowed a third class to become this powerful. I needed it so much I would kill for it. I would kill for him. I would kill him.
How strangely you can become detached from death when you are drunk on your own power. It's so much more pathetic how you'll become separated from life. When loneliness eats at your core until you're so damaged you can't stand being anything but anti-social. A psychopath. Evil.
Of course I was furious with you, Kakarot, you showed me the life I forsake. You reminded me of the lost dreams and broken promises. Of the years spent wasted wallowing in gullibility.
Anger because of the pain.
Pain because of the truth.
Pain for tearing away denial.
Pain in revealing what I could never hope to attain.
Pain caused by every bypassed opportunity.
And for what? The loss of a pathetic future? For an ideal based upon the foundations led by the generations before me? The requirement of choice?
You were the closest thing to a possession I had. Mine to break, if I so desired. If only we knew it was I that belonged to you. From the moment I laid eyes on you every action I took was somehow in relation to you. To beat you, to pursue you, to best you, to fight you. I had to have you.
I could have left Earth. I knew the gods only cared about your planet and the dragonballs. It would have been all too easy to claim the prize to your victory and replace Freeza. You stopped me without even asking. Without even knowing.
I was enthralled by you. Bound by disbelief and craving your eradication in order to pretend that true kindness did not exist. To never consider allowing someone to care about me other than myself. I would merely lose whomever I placed emotional stock into. I could not sacrifice anymore or surely what faint, frayed tendrils of pride wouldn't be enough to save me.
Me - convinced that any victory not obtained individually was a weakness - afraid of death. What a laughable contradiction. Revenge for mercy? How petty. How immature. How much it exposed my envy. And how could I not want you by my side? How could I pass up such a wondrous anomaly? My troth was given to you that day. This was serendipity in the guise of utter devastation and grave insult.
I wanted you since the incipiency of us.
And like a child I deemed that if I could not have you then no one else would have the pleasure.
You saw what I went through. All for the sake of this moment. For the answers.
I had become a god and my demons took advantage of that. Demons that weren't truly demons. Necessary appearances for the sake of achievement. To fight corruption I had to endure the rain and cold. To advance I had to accept the sorrow over the anger. Every part of me had to be broken so it could be fixed properly. It took infinity to bring me to this point, and perhaps another infinity I'll need to pass it.
Yet, I'm stained. I'm marked. It's how I contaminate anything pure. How I commit sin with and without intention. How I destroy the very thing I have come to covet. But there is redemption. It shadows my world. Sacrifice is the ultimate act of good. That perhaps it was my only chance at penance. No matter how fractional the act may seem. And for all my desires this may be the only one of significance, of importance, of something more than gratification that comes from Schadenfreude. The resignation of corrupt rapacity. I'm empowered by these thoughts. Enlightened. Satisfied. With my promise fulfilled, my soul will be infused in peace. Now that I know I can protect him. I can save both of us. I can give him back the ability to prosper. I can retire to the place of which I deserve. I believe this the only hope for the future.
My name is being called. Like opening my eyes from a dream, Kakarot is before me. Our hands clasped together as some unseen force attempts to pull us apart, a separation like some form of magnetism. The roof is gone and a clear blue sky is the backdrop to my last subject's frame. Below me I can sense the vastness. The darkness. Where we each belong. I can give him my nobility.
Our grip is slipping and he clutches fast with all his might, his hair golden as he scrambles for purchase. I'm the unseen force, aren't I?
Yet, I know it's okay. It's going to be alright. It'll be an eternity of atonement, life sentences served to not merely an immortal, but to one completely immune to death. I will give them all a gift. A cleansing. With it, I will divulge the very crux of my soul. My last selfish performance.
"Kakarot," I say, and he meets my eyes with a sadness that implicates a sense of knowledge of what will come to pass. The pain will vanish, but I will bear the load for both of us. It is the least he deserves. Let him enjoy life as a human. Let him forget the name Kakarot and the grievances attached. The words come unlike I had imagined they would - simply and with ease, "I love you."
He knows my intentions, but cannot interfere. I let him go, the black creeping over me like a parasite. I sink while he rises. So apropos. Crying out my name while he struggles in vain to reach me and grasp hold once more. Regardless, I cannot bring myself to regret this decision, even when his face is distorted with anguish.
Goodbye, my friend.