The war had ended, and everyone who wished to attend Hogwarts again was back. That included me, Hermione, Harry, and Ron. The, so-called "Golden Trio", and our "trusty allies", Ginny Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood, and surprisingly, Blaise Zabini and Draco Malfoy. Somehow we'd all formed an alliance without killing one another, but then we found Harry snogging Draco, and found out Blaise's secret love for Ginny by me, because I read his diary, or journal, as he so puts it. Now, my love life was confusing as crap, at the very least. I didn't feel attracted to Ron, Harry, Blaise, or even Draco! However, I knew for a fact that I was NOT lesbian; I just hadn't found the right guy to go out with. Meanwhile, Luna was dating Neville, and Ron was currently involved with Lavender Brown after a nasty fight with moi. First, Ron said that I studied too much and should spend more time with him. Second, he insulted my clothes, saying that I never wore anything nice. In short, he wanted me to look like a slag, a whore. I then proceeded to tell him that he was a pig and so, out of spite, he decided to start shagging Lavender so that he could brag to me, and therefore I left him. You see, we just used to be a couple, but that betrayal left a chasm both in our relationship, and our friendship as well.
Whatever, I thought. Now that the war with Voldy was over, I knew what to do. I've been wanting this forever. I'm going to do what no Hogwarts Student has done before. I'm going to annoy the crap out of Professor Snape, my Potions Professor. Now that we had some bloody awesome teachers here like Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Tonks, I think this school year would be great; as long as I didn't push him too far and cause him to kill me.
"So, what do you guys think?" I asked my friends. All of their eyes were wide and their mouths were open.
"Hermione, are you bloody mental? I mean, this is Snape!" I sighed, not expecting Ron to have been the first one to answer me; I thought he'd be snogging with his whore, I rolled my eyes.
"I'm perfectly sure, Ron! Gosh, now I'm late!" I gave an irritated sigh.
"Late for what?" Asked Draco. I narrowed my eyes playfully at him.
"Wouldn't you like to know? No, I'm kidding. I have to be at the Apprentice meeting with Professor Snape." Draco, sitting on Harry's lap, abruptly stood up.
"In that outfit? I don't think so!" I looked down at my Gryffindor tie, shirt, and skirt.
"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"
"Uh, what isn't?" Harry butted in. "If you want to annoy Snape, you're gonna have to do something bad!"
"Bad, like what?" I was starting to feel scared at what they were suggesting.
"Here," Draco said, pulling off his tie and leaping off of Harry's lap to rip off mine and place his around my neck. Then he went over to Blaise, who currently had his arm around Ginny's shoulders and took off his tie, wrapping it around my waist. "There, now you're almost ready!" I groaned. What else do they want me to wear? Draco took out his wand and shortened my knee-length skirt four inches.
"Perfect! Wait, Draco, tighten her shirt just a bit!" Harry said. Draco complied. I felt like a fucking doll.
"I'm leaving before you try to give me platform shoes." I grumbled and walked out of the Gryffindor Common Room.
"Miss Granger, you are late. I dislike tardin- What the hell are you wearing?" I roll my eyes at his language and say with pride,
"I'm wearing my school uniform, what else does it look like?" I stare at him like he's the dumbest person I've ever seen in my entire life. His face reddens with anger.
"Miss Granger! I'm not stupid! You aren't in Slytherin, your skirt is too short, and your shirt is way too tight for it to be from Hogwarts!" I glare at him.
"Well, maybe I was with Draco and Blaise, maybe I grew a few inches, and MAYBE I now have bigger boobs! Did you think about that?" If you could have seen Professor Snape's face, you'll know why I laughed so hard at that moment. My stomach hurt by the time I was done laughing, and his face was beet red; he looked like he was about to bust a blood vessel.
"MISS GRANGER!" He roared. I looked up innocently at him.
"Never again will you mention something so atrocious in my presence. Now, I need you to make some Dreamless Sleep and Blood Replenishing Potion."
"Why can't you just do it?" I asked him with a tone far too polite. He sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Detention tomorrow with me, Granger for disrespecting your elder. And I have an appointment- not that I should even be telling you this." I could barely control my curiosity, so I asked him what it was for. He didn't answer for a while.
"Because of my neck, Miss Granger." Oops, I had almost forgotten. I remembered watching my Professor nearly dying in the Shrieking Shack, knowing if I didn't work fast enough, he'd surely be dead. All I really had to do was get the poison out of his system and keep it from reaching his heart, then force a Bezoar Stone down his throat. He didn't seem very grateful.
"Oh, right sir." I got the ingredients together and began to softly sing, "I know the song that never ends, and it just goes on and on, my friends. Someone started singing it not knowing what it was. And I'll continue singing it forever just because…. I know that song that never ends, it just goes on and on, my friends. Someone started singing it now knowing what it was. And I'll continue singing it forever just because…." I decided to make up a version of my own. Singing a bit louder I said, "I'm the song that never ends; I get inside your head. You'll never forget me because I'm so cool. And if you try to stop singing me, then you are such a fool! 'Cause I'm the song that never ends, I'm the song that never ends, I'm the song that never ends and I'm amazing. Because I'm the best song ever, and there's no way to make an endeavour to leave me out of your mind, no never! Yes, I'm the song that never ends, I'm the song that never ends, I'm the song that never ends, oh, yes I am!"
"Miss Granger! Will you shut that ungodly mouth of yours? I still have two more hours until I have to leave, so shut it!" I scoff.
"Then why don't you grab a cauldron and bloody help me brew?" He grumbled a response, but began brewing.
"I know a song that's super cool, super cool, super cool. I know the song that's super cool and it goes like this…. La-la-la. La-la-la. La-la-la. La-la-la. TONIGHT, TONIGHT, THERE'S A PARTY ON THE ROOF TOP ON TOP OF THE WORLD! TONIGHT, TONIGHT, AND WE'RE DANCIN' ON THE EDGE OF THE SUN!" I screamed, making Professor Snape jump and drop something into the potion that he shouldn't have and causing the potion to explode, covering both of us in pink goo. I looked at him and burst out laughing. His hair had turned pink! PINK! Then I realized what this may have done to my hair and I took out a mirror, but all that happened was a couple of streaks on every other curl. It was a bit much, but I realized that I could totally rock this look, I mean, come on, I'm Hermione Granger!
"Miss Granger!" Snape roared, getting angrier and angrier by the second. I whimpered as he cornered me. "Turn my hair back to normal!"
"I can't!" I exclaimed. I really could, but I just didn't want to; I wanted everyone to see him tomorrow. I'd change his hair back as soon as I wanted to.
"Dammit!" I heard him yell, and looked at him. I then pointed to him and screamed,
"Professor, you said a BAD WORD!" He growled at me and I screamed again, running out of his classroom, while screaming, "PROFESSOR SAID A BAD WORD, PROFESSOR SAID A BAD WORD!"
"Hermione, what is this entire ruckus about?" I looked behind me and saw Sirius and a grinning Remus. I let them both in on my little "idea of the year" and they both laughed.
"Well, we ARE the Marauders, so if you need help, just ask." Sirius said, winking at me. I gave him my most charming smile and hugged both of them, then ran off, laughing as I did. Phase 1 of Mission Annoy Snape- Complete.
"You did what, 'Mione? Are you suicidal or something?" Harry questioned me. I shook my head and laughed even harder, remembering what I was going to do to him tomorrow in class. It would take a lot of guts, yes, but I'm Hermione Bloody Granger! I can do anything!
"I'm not suicidal, I just wanna have fun this year. Besides, it's not like I'm going to prank McGonagall or Dumbledore. Just Snape! I even made a list!" I gave them all a proud look and lifted my chin in the air, showing them the list.
WAYS TO ANNOY SNAPE THIS YEAR
Turn his hair pink.
Sing him one of the most annoying songs you possibly can.
Give Professor Snape a big, fluffy bunny tail.
Tell him you've lost your pet werewolf and need help finding him.
Scatter rose petals wherever he goes.
Sneak up behind him and scream, "You're robes are on fire!"
Hug him. Say that Dumbledore made me.
Shout, "Ten points from house of Snape!"
Get an owl. Name it after him.
Make a Voodoo doll of Harry. Give it to him.
Call him Buzz at random moments.
Tell him Draco is in love with me.
Become the "Good Snape" and the "Bad Snape", peeking over his shoulders depending on which one I am.
Give him invitations to Sirius's Birthday party at the Whomping Willow.
Say, "Need a brush over there, Professor?"
Follow him closely through the hallways. Imitate his stern look and determined walk. If he turns around, stand still and smile sweetly.
Leave copies of Lockhart's biography all around the place.
Transfigure a jack-in-the box's head to look like him. Wind it up and leave it outside his door. Run like hell.
Get a hose. Corner him. Spray him down. Run.
Doodle things on your potions notes about 'that cute Longbottom kid.
Get a tattoo. One that says 'Sevvie' Insist it has nothing to do with him.
Dress like him and dye hair black. Refer to self as 'mini-Snape'
Ask him what his middle name is.
When he leans down to inspect your work - Grab your wand, place the tip of it directly between his eyes and shout 'Lumos!'
Nickname your quill 'Snapie' and talk to it during class.
Get your potion horribly wrong. Smile when he berates you and ask if that deserves a detention.
Get your potion all over him. Smile when he splutters incoherently with anger and ask if THAT deserves a detention.
Imply that you think Professor Lupin was the only deserving applicant for the Dark Arts job.
Refer to him as 'Cuddles'
Ask him why he saved Harry Potter. Ask him every day.
When he glares, give a similar glare back and when he looks away, shout, "I won!"
Wink at him every time he looks my way.
Present him with a pet baby bunny rabbit every few weeks. Tell him each one is called Minerva.
Ask him if he's ticklish. Tell him if he lies 'I'll know'.
Ask him if he fears the sunlight, or is he just naturally pale.
"Uh-huh, Hermione, sure, just go on and believe what you want, but I still think you're suicidal," Harry said before straddling Draco's lap and snogging him. I groaned and shielded my eyes.
"Get a fucking room!" Draco gave me a look.
"I'm sure you wouldn't do that if it was you and Severus snogging!" He accused me. I gasped and glared at him. Then I slowly walked up to him.
"Excuse me, young man? What did you just say to me?" He looked reasonably terrified.
"Well, Hermione, for one, I'm older than you by almost an entire year. Two, I was just trying to be honest, so don't freak out over the truth. And three, I wouldn't even care if you were making out with him, I'd be happy for the both of you! Hugs?" He held out his arms to me and I laughed, embracing him before kissing him and Harry on the forehead because I was going to bed.
"G'night Kids!" I shouted, running to my room to get changed and in bed.
"Wait, what was that about a Voodoo doll of me? Hermione!"
The next morning, I jumped out of my Head Girl bed, feeling refreshed and happy. I walked down to breakfast, and decided to try out one of my pranks. I pointed my wand at him, whispering the charm for a fluffy, big bunny tail. Snape had no clue that every kid was laughing at him, though. I pointed at him, laughing and yelled,
"Look at Sevvie's tail!" The entire Great Hall was silent, staring at me in shock. The 7th and 6th years looked amused, 5th years looked confused, 4th years looked like they were trying to be cool, the 1st, 2nd, 3rd years looked terrified of me and Snape. He walked up to me and put his big, hooked nose in my face.
"What did you just call me?" He looked threatening, but I refused to let him scare me, so I gave the tip of his nose a small pinch and said,
"Got your nose!" The Muggleborn kids and Half-Bloods recognized it as the make-believe game that their parent or parents used to play with them. Snape looked at me with shock and then anger.
"Miss GRANGER!" He roared. I laughed and then grabbed Draco's hand and we both sprinted out with Harry behind us to attend Transfiguration.