A/N: Me and my awesome friend, constant reader/reviewer, and great author Melanie wrote this the other night. Enjoy some hilarious family fluff!
Tony: "Ziva, where is Sarah?"
Ziva: "I don't know, Tony. I thought you had her. You said you were going to the park with her."
Tony: "Umm, no. She asked if she could go downstairs to play with your knives. She said she had your permission."
Ziva: "She never asked me anything... Last I saw she was with you."
Tony: "Oh. OH SHIT."
Ziva: "OH, GOD. Should we call Gibbs?"
Tony: "NO! He'll just get all 'You lost the fucking kid?' and it'll get all...BAD."
Ziva: "But he could help us! He had a daughter, he might be able to help us...Oh, God, Tony, what do we do?"
Tony: "Calm down. Here's what I think happened: I was reading the movie reviews in the paper and heard her say something about the park...so we check there?"
Ziva: "Okay, okay. That's good. I'll drive."
Tony: "NO! HELL NO! I mean, Zi, you're a good driver and all, but..."
Ziva: "Do you wanna fucking get there on time or not?"
Tony: "Yeah, but I don't want to get killed while trying to find our daughter!"
Ziva: "We're still alive, Tony! If you drive, Lord knows our little girl can be in fucking China by then!"
Tony: "China? It's not like we taught her to drive! Unless you did! Then TWO insane people in this damn family drive like road nuts!"
Ziva: "You know WHAT! I'm driving and that's that! And if we keep arguing, we'll never freaking find her!" *grabs keys* "Let's go!"
Tony: "Zi, you almost KILLED that guy!"
Melanie: "For the love of God, I didn't kill anyone! Or almost kill! Whatever!"
Tony: "Jeez, when we find her, I would like to greet her as a normal person, not a MURDERER!"
Ziva: "The only person on the verge of dying here is YOU if you don't shut the fuck up already and stop criticizing everything!"
Tony: *kisses on mouth*
Ziva: *hits brakes suddenly*
Tony: There. Make up for it?
Ziva: "You almost killed us and you're not even driving…"
Tony: *sticks head out window* "Yeah, well fuck you too, buddy! Why don't you take that middle finger and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS? Sorry, Zi."
Ziva: "Okay, I can see the park from here. We're almost there..."
*parks in parking lot*
Tony: "Don't run over any children."
Ziva: "Shut up. Let's look for Sarah."
Tony: "Okay. SARAH BEAR!"
Ziva: *runs around looking for her*
*after a few minutes, yelling: DID YOU FIND HER YET, TONY?
Sarah: "LET GO OF ME, PEDO!"
Tony: "Whoops. Sorry, sweetheart."
Ziva: "Oh, thank God!"
"How the hell did she even get here by herself?"
Sarah: "Oh. Hi, mommy. I walked. And may have...borrowed...the neighbor's motorbike..."
Ziva: *grabs her by ear* "If you EVER do anything like that ever again, you are dead beat!"
Tony: "Meat, honey. It's meat."
Sarah: "Aww, mom, come on! Dad, help me out here!"
Tony: "Sorry, sweetie. I'm afraid of your mother."
Ziva: "You are grounded, young lady."
Sarah: "All right, what's the sentence? Please don't say no knife practice! I just got good at the ten-inch!"
Ziva: "Sarah, I wasn't kidding when I said that when you're grounded, you're not allowed to do anything fun. Therefore, no knife throwing for a week."
Sarah: "All right, mom. But...there's one thing I should probably tell you..."
Sarah: "Umm...you know how I told you I borrowed the neighbor's motorbike...?"
Ziva: "Oh, no...What?"
Sarah: "Well...I may or may not have, umm...dented it a LITTLE..."
Tony: "Okay, kiddo, you're like me: you understate. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?"
Ziva: "Okay, I am not dealing with this! Tony, YOU are dealing with this!"
Tony: "WHAT? WHY?"
Ziva: "Because she's your daughter! I already drove here!"
Tony: "Yeah, and almost KILLED a few people in the process!"
Ziva: "I don't think you want me to show McGee those pictures of you kissing that man you thought was a woman..."
Tony: "HOW THE FUCK DO YOU STILL HAVE THOSE PICS?"
Sarah: "Daddy swore!"
Ziva: "I have my ways, Tony...Sarah, I better not catch you saying any bad words..."
Sarah: "Okay, mom."
Tony: *staring at bike* "Jeez, Sar, you drive like your mother."
Ziva: "You know what, we'll talk about this at home. We're going home now."
Tony: "Jeez, Sarah, what the hell did you do, ride through a stampede? I've seen bodies after explosions that were less beat up than this..."
Sarah:"I was racing a car, daddy."
Ziva: "YOU WERE RACING? ON A MOTORBIKE."
Sarah: "Mom, I'm sorry! But those boys over there seemed like they were fun, so I thought I'd give it a try."
Tony: "YOU JUST THOUGH YOU'D TRY? You crazy-ass little kid."
Sarah: "What's the big deal? You and Dad have some 'fun' all the time!"
Tony: *looks at Ziva* "That's grown up fun, sweetie."
Sarah: "But it's weird, Dad. Why do you have to be so loud, anyway? Can't you be quiet for once? Like they ask us to be quiet in school?"
Tony: *leans toward Ziva* "Holy shit, Zi. She knows. SHE KNOWS."
Ziva: "Play it cool, DiNozzo."
Tony: "How? A little kid just asked me to tune it down during sex! SHE'S EIGHT!"
Sarah: "It's gross, Daddy."
Tony: "Yeah, well, it better stay that way, honey. For a while."
Ziva: "Umm... sweetie. I know you think that the way Mommy and Daddy have fun is weird, but... You know what? Mommy and Daddy are never going to have fun again."
Tony: "No, ZIVA. NO. PLEASE."
Ziva: "Right, Daddy?" *looks at Tony*
Tony: "But...but Tony LIKE having fun."
Ziva: *quietly* "We can fun when she's not around..."
Tony: *eyes widen in understanding* "Oh. Okay. Yeah, Sarah, Mommy Daddy promise not to have 'fun' if you promise not to have 'fun', okay?"
Sarah: "Mom, Dad... what's sex?"
Tony: *buries face in hands* "Zi, you tell her. I can't."
Ziva: "What's wrong, Daddy? I heard you say it a while ago."
Sarah: "You said, 'a little kid just asked me to tune it down during sex!'"
Tony: *gets headslap* "Yeah, uhhhh..."
Ziva: "Sarah, sweetie... it's not important. Never bring it up again. Ever."
Tony: "But...i heard Daddy say once it was so much fun."
Ziva: "Daddy will give you thirty bucks to never mention that word again."
Tony: "Daddy will do what?"
Ziva: "You heard me."
Tony: "But Daddy isn't totally guilty. Mommy will tell you what sex is, sweetie, if you never bring it up ever again."
Sarah:"Yeah, Mommy, tell me!"
Ziva: "Okay, honey. I'll tell you about sex... and then we never speak of this again. Understood?"
Sarah: "Yes, Mommy. Wait, should we leave the park?"
Ziva: "No. I'll tell you real quick."
Sarah: "Okay." *leans in closer*
Ziva: "Sex is when a man and woman love each other and decide they want to have kids... and they go to bed and pray to God to give them a baby. Sometimes, they have to pray for a really long time."
Tony: *tony leans in* "Smooth, David. Very smooth."
Sarah: "Well, then, Mommy, why was it so noisy? That doesn't sound like words. More like 'AAGH' and 'OH, FUCK ME HARDER, TONY!'"
Tony: *blushes* "I remember that."
Ziva: "Well, sweetheart. Sometimes we have to speak in other languages or very loudly so that we can...umm...Decide on what we want..."
Sarah: "Okay. Then why is there so much...moving. I can hear the bed moving from my room mom. ACROSS THE HOUSE."
Ziva: "Sometimes, God likes for us to use code words. Sometimes, God likes for us to switch positions and pray in different ways."
Tony: *tony leans in* "Hey, Zi, you wanna pray a little when we get back?"
Sarah:"Yeah, Mommy and Daddy can I be part of the prayer, too!"
Sarah:"Why not? Please? I want a little brother!"
Ziva: "Because it should only be between one man and one woman. Little kids are not allowed."
Sarah: "That's a stupid rule."
Ziva: "Well, it's God's rules. So if you don't like it, take it up with him."
Sarah: "Okay. Then, can I pray with Ralphie across the street?"
Ziva: "NO! You have to be at least 35 years of age to do so!"
Tony: "35? Mine was fifteen, Zi."
Melanie: *kicks Tony*
Sarah: "Can I please? Please, Mommy?"
Ziva: "No! If you ask me again, prayer will be outlawed until we all die!"
Tony: "WHAT? NO, NO, ZIVA PLEASE!"
Sarah: "Aww, Mom..."
Ziva: "Let's go home. I need to sleep."
Tony: *wink* "So do I..."
THE END :)
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