Summary – With the Alien invasion over and there literally being no place for the Avengers to stay, the Stark home in Malibu is prepared to house "Earth's Mightiest Hero's" Now that the future of the Earth is no longer on their shoulders, they must work to gain team chemistry and deal with their issues while trying not to kill Tony Stark.
A/N –This is going to be fun. Nothing better than The Avengers, who have sooo much chemistry (Heavy sarcasm there), stuck in Tony Stark's Malibu home
Disclaimer – The Avengers and all affiliated characters belong to Marvel and not I.
Chapter One: Teamwork
I mean, what are we, a team? No, no, no. We're a chemical mixture that makes chaos. We're… We're a time-bomb!
It has been less than three days since the alien invasion and Nick Fury was already assembling them for another meeting. To be quite honest, all Tony Stark really wanted to do was sleep and that was saying something. Tony prefers staying up. Nick Fury had called them all last night and told them to meet up at base outside of New York City the next morning at 8. He had also invited Pepper.
So the next morning Tony reluctantly crawled out of bed and attempted to persuade Pepper to call him in sick, which only made them very late. Pepper hates tardiness.
"Tony, seriously, did you have to fight me like a child this morning?" Pepper scolded as they walked through the SHEILD base "We are a half an hour late! You know I hate being late because you walk in a-".
" – And everyone stares, I know Pepper." He had heard this lecture a thousand times. "Relax, it's just a bunch of guys with mental issues and one chick with a serious fear of commitment"
Pepper rolled her eyes and opened the door to the debriefing room and ushered Tony in first. "You're late." Director Fury stood at the head of the room and every person present turned to stare.
"Uh, yes, I am. But I believe I have a get-out-of-jail-free card because all of these losers live here and I had to beat morning traffic." Tony smirked, removing the sunglasses from his eyes.
"Shut your mouth and sit down." Fury rolled his eyes. Pepper quickly sat between Tony and a scary looking guy with fantastic blonde hair, also known as Thor, God of Thunder. When she glanced in his direction, he gave her a toothy smile.
"Thanks, Tony." She turned her attention to Tony, hissing sarcastically at him. "He hates me and he doesn't know me."
"Relax, he hates me more." Tony rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and pulled out his phone.
"Really?" she hissed, anger causing her to flush red again. "I wouldn't have guessed it."
"You know, I wouldn't have guessed it either, I'm very likable."
"Are you two finished yet?" Fury scowled. Pepper's blush deepened.
"Pepper, quiet, the teacher is talking." Tony pressed a few buttons and Director Fury's screens went blank and rock music began to blare through the speakers. "That's more like it."
"Turn it OFF!" Fury shouted along with some strong and vulgar swears. A few taps on his phone and the debriefing meeting was back to peace, quiet and order.
"Mood music." Tony shrugged, shoving the phone in his pocket. "The Fung Shui in this room is terrible and it's throwing off my qi."
"I'll throw off your qi." Natasha Romanoff growled.
"Seriously, Stark. This could be really important!" Captain Obvious finally burst.
"Oh, really, well I just thought we were here to talk about our feelings." Tony gave Steve a wide shit-eating grin.
"Would you two just shut up?" The fiery redhead slammed her hand down, causing the whole table to shake.
Hawkeye and Thor both began to laugh. "Silly Earthlings!" Thor thundered.
"Tony, behave yourself!" Pepper scolded.
"Would you people let me get a word in edgewise!" Fury shouted.
The room quieted. "Now. This is simply a follow-up meeting on the most recent mission involving Loki and the Chitauri. Clean-up of New York is well underway and the people thank you." Silence followed this statement. "And, despite however many fans you seem to be attracting, SHEILD has agreed that it would be best for you all to lay low until New York is stable and the negative attention you are also attracting dies down."
Clint Barton groaned. "Where are you sending me?"
Fury ignored the whiny marksman and moved on. "Which brings me to my next point; your team chemistry and ability to work together is absolutely atrocious."
Tony snorted. "We all know I don't play well with others." He reminded the group.
"Self obsessed." Rogers remarked, raising an eyebrow.
"Shut up, Captain Asshat, you tend to pick unnecessary fights." Tony responded. "You're not so innocent and pristine as everyone chalks you up to be."
"My point exactly!" Fury raised his voice. "Which is why I have chosen for you where you will be staying." He cleared his throat. "Stark Tower will serve as the new Avenger's base, but being as it isn't livable… you will be spending the summer at Tony Stark's Malibu home."
"All of us? Together" Dr. Banner finally spoke up.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa…. That Malibu mansion is mine." Tony sat on the edge of his seat angrily; Tony was all eyes and ears whenever the situation involved his things.
"I would prefer being homeless." Natasha scowled.
"It's not your decision." Fury answered calmly.
"Um, no can do, Pirate Fury. You see, the Malibu home is… broken!" Tony shook his head. "A damn shame, I was looking forward to a sausage fest sleepover."
Pepper scowled at Tony, "The Malibu home is fine, Director Fury."
"Okay, who invited Pepper? Anyone? I didn't." You could practically hear the gears grinding in Tony's head as he desperately tried to back out of this situation. "Beside, Malibu really isn't the place for a bunch of freaks to lay low."
"I was thinking the same thing." Banner rubbed his temples.
"Where is this Malibu?" Thor asked.
"Quiet!" Fury ordered. "It's final, you will stay together and you will work to improve your relationship. You will reconcile your differences, you will learn to handle your personal issues and you will learn to get along. Whether you like it or not, you are a public image now and the people look up to you. We cannot have a group of 'superheroes' who act like five year olds! We cannot afford that bad image!" He took a deep breath. "Now, tonight Loki and Thor return to Asgard where the trial will take place. Thor will eventually return and we are relocating Darcy Lewis and Jane Foster. Stark, Banner and Foster –" He paused, passing out larger files. "- will be working on rebuilding the Bifrost for easy transportation on Thor's part."
Tony opened the file, pursed his lips while reading, and then burst into laughter. "You want us to build a magical rainbow bridge?" He laughed.
"Exactly!" Thor thundered happily.
Fury ignored the interruption and continued. "After Thor and Loki have left with the tesseract, you will pack up and your flight is scheduled to leave at 8 o'clock tonight." He looked at Tony. "Don't be late."
Tony closed the file and leaned back in his seat, accepting defeat. "I hate sharing." He moaned.
Fury actually cracked a small smile. "You are dismissed." He swiftly left the room.
Thor interrupted the silence by extending a strong hand towards Pepper. "Fair maiden, I am pleased to finally acquire your acquaintance."
Pepper shook his hand smiling. "Pleased to meet you as well." He flashed another happy grin.
"Pepper, my life is ruined!" Tony whined.
"I beg to differ… my life is ruined." Natasha crossed her arms scowled at nothing in particular.
Tony scowled. "Comon… Banner, Pepper, let's go."
"Wait, where am I going?" Bruce stood up nervously, compulsively jittering about, fidgeting with his jacket and wire frame glasses.
"Uh, let's go do science." Tony replaced the sunglasses onto his face. Bruce and Pepper had no choice really but to follow him. Once Tony was outside the temporary Helicarrier SHEILD base, he turned, lifting his phone up and tapping a few buttons. Hard rock once again began blasting through the speakers. "Now we can leave."
Later that afternoon, Tony and Bruce handed the tesseract to Thor and a bounded Loki. Barton, Rogers and Romanoff watched with stony expressions as they disappeared. Tony made a stupid remark and they each went off in their own direction to pack for what was sure to be an interesting flight.
It was 8:15 and the plane was still sitting on the tarmac. Natasha Romanoff checked her watch again and sighed. The luxury private jet they were sitting in looked more like a living room than a plane. On the back wall was a huge flat screen with the Stark Industries logo swiveling in place. Across from her sat Clint Barton playing Angry Birds on one of Stark's cell phones.
"Dammit!" He cursed. "Stupid pigs – Stop laughing at me!"
Across the aisle sat a stoic Steve Rogers in his simple brown plaid shirt and across from him sat a neurotic Bruce Banner. Tony Stark sat behind Steve and was bouncing like a five year old on his knees. He was twisted around in his seat, speaking rapidly to Banner about new suit ideas.
Pepper sat across from him, one hand plugging an ear, a cell phone pressed up against her other ear. "No, Mr. Stark does not have a comment on the recent events in New York…..Yes, I am aware that he nearly died…. Mr. Stark does not make birthday party appearances…"
Tony turned to face his girlfriend. "Depends how much money they are willing to pay me."
"No." Pepper said immediately.
The fasten seatbelt sign flashed and Natasha sighed happily. Everyone turned off and pocketed various electronics – well, excluding Rogers who had given up and pulled out a book.
It was silent until the plane was steady and in the air. The fasten seatbelt sign shut off and they all visibly relaxed into a more comfortable position. Tony pulled out his phone and managed to get on everyone's nerves immediately. "Pepper, I'm bored!"
"It's a six hour flight, Tony. I'm sure you can find some way to entertain yourself." Pepper said smoothly, toying around with what look like a Kindle. Tony only typed even faster onto his translucent cell phone.
Natasha turned her attention to the sleepy agent across from her. "Barton, remind me why we agreed to this?"
"Nothing we can't handle." He replied, his eyes still shut.
"We weren't trained to deal with overgrown children." Natasha pulled the shade shut on her window.
"Training, shamaining, it's all relative." Barton yawned. "For example, you are trained to be seductive, calculating and completely boring. I'm impulsive and when I have time off, about as fun as a bouncy house. I'm also socially awkward. We complete each other. Together, you can be the disciplinary action and I'll be the fun parent."
"I'm not playing house, Barton." Their light banter was interrupted by a happy whoop from Tony Stark.
"Would you look at that? I just broke into my own security system! Sonofabitch!" Tony laughed. "Jarvis, what is the weakness?"
Somewhere behind Natasha, Rogers asked "What is a Jarvis?"
"Sir," The disembodied voice sounded miniscule coming out of the mini speaker on Stark's phone. "Perhaps you are just too smart for your own security tactics."
"Don't worry, Steve. It's just Tony's phone." Bruce reassured the totally-freaked-out super soldier.
"It speaks?" Steve howled.
Tony nodded. "True. Jarvis, you are the real genius here." He tossed the phone in Natasha's direction. "Heads up, Agent Scary, test out my security efforts."
Natasha rolled her eyes and began to mess with the firewall. Clint absolutely crashed; he was out like a light. Tony struggled to get comfortable.
"Pepper, I'm bored!" Tony whined again.
"Get some sleep, Tony." Pepper suggested.
"Ugh, you are no help." Tony turned his attention to stare intently at Natasha while she typed. Steve stared out the window of the plane. Bruce stood to get a blanket out of the cupboard above his head. Barton snorted loudly in his sleep.
Suddenly the phone blared a warning signal. Barton jumped up, hitting his head with an audible crack. "Mother –" Natasha dropped the phone, startled, as though it had started on fire. The phone thunked on the carpeted floor and vibrated briefly before the screen went black. Tony picked it up. "Huh." He tossed the phone into the garbage and produced a new one from a pocket.
"Jarvis, pull up Netflix."
Barton settled back into his seat. "Goddammit, Stark, you're gonna kill us all."
Tony ignored him and flipped through the title on the huge screen on the back wall. Natasha leaned back in her seat and checked her watch. 10 o'clock, New York time. They still had four hours; they were somewhere over Kentucky right now.
"What is Hoarders?" Tony asked no one in particular, but Jarvis answered anyway.
"It is a reality TV show depicting the lives of various people ailed with mental disorders causing them to compulsively hoard unnecessary objects." Jarvis rattled off.
"Hmm." Tony selected the title and Natasha rolled her eyes.
"That show is disgusting." Pepper protested. "And it's just horrible how Americans find it entertaining to watch these poor people with these horrible mental issues…" Tony interrupted her.
"Episode 1: A man faces eviction because his house is full of garbage and human feces." Tony read. "That sounds perfectly entertaining and hilarious. Lets watch it."
"Whatever, I'm going to catch some sleep." Pepper answered.
Half way through Hoarders, Tony crashed on the plush floor of the jet. Bruce buried deeper under the fleece blanket and even Natasha managed to doze off. This left poor Steve Rogers alone, staring horrifyingly at the TV screen, wondering What the hell happened to my country!
Well, that was certainly fun and entertaining.
To those of you who may be wondering what happened to my current Harry Potter fic…. Well, it's a work in progress. Right now I can't seem to get the Avengers out of my head!
Please Review. It makes the gears in my head turn at rapid speeds.