Flick. Gray.

Flick. Gray.

Flick. Blue

Flick. Black.

Flick. Gray.

Flick. Black.

Flick. Gray.

Flick. Gray.

Flick. Black.

Flick. Nothing.

"Oh, I hate it when that happens." First Lieutenant Leilani Sakai paused the playback on the video feed. "I always feel like Samara's gonna come crawling out of the screen."

"Samara?" Second Lieutenant Edgar Rochester answered. "Don't you mean Sadako?"

"Well, they did get the same ghost to play them both. And she was Alma in FEAR, too."

"Poor thing; she's getting typecast."

"Well, maybe she deserves it." Without looking at the screen Leilani tapped the forward button until a real color appeared on it. Gray again. "You'd think they'd be able to program the computer to not show us those."

"I don't think they can."

"No, it's simple: have the computer figure out which color it is. If it can't, then there's nothing there, and the computer can just skip over it instead of frying our eyeballs. And our brains."

"And we get the added bonus of not having to die in a week." Edgar rubbed his eyes. "Wanna grab a pop or something?"

"We've got to get this done or Major Carter will have our asses. But damn it, you're right; I need a break." Leilani stood up and stretched. Joints popped and her bladder protested gravity's sudden attention. "I'm going to the ladies' room. You get to stay here and burn out your eyes."

"Why do you-"

"Because I outrank you."

"Oh, yeah. Heartless wench."

"What was that, second lieutenant?"

"Grab me a Mountain Dew. Please. Ma'am."

"That's what I thought." Leilani walked out of the room (well, closet), ducked under the too-low conduit that ran across the doorway and stepped into the hall. She'd only taken two steps towards the restroom when Edgar whooped.

"Leilani! Get your ass back in here and check this shit out!"

Leilani rolled her eyes and turned around. She didn't bother going back into the viewing room; the monitor was easy enough to see from the door. But when she saw what was on the monitor she stood up fast enough to see stars when she hit her head on the conduit.

Edgar was pointing at the screen. "Check it out! Lord. Of. The. Fucking. Rings!"


General George Hammond stared disbelievingly at the conference room video display. "Are those…elves?" he asked.

"Well," Major Samantha Carter replied, "we're not calling them that, but…."

"They look like something out of Lord of the Rings," Daniel Jackson said distractedly. "Maybe I should brush up on my Tolkien."

Colonel Jack O'Neil sighed. "Daniel, are you about to tell us you speak elf?"

"That's elvish, Jack, and yes, I do."

"Funny. I always took you for the type that spoke Klingon."

"I do speak Klingon."

Jack blinked. "Why am I not-"

"Colonel, if you and Doctor Jackson are finished?"

"Sorry, sir. Go ahead, Carter."

Samantha sighed. "As I was saying, they certainly look like…well, you know, but there's no evidence that they are…." She refused to say the e-word and finished with a helpless gesture.

Teal'c spoke for the first time. "These individuals certainly seem to fit the description of elves as they appear in your modern popular culture. Why not call them so until we know what they call themselves?"

Daniel nodded in agreement. "Teal'c does have a point."

"So until we talk to them and they say otherwise we'll call them elfs."

Daniel sighed. "Elves, Jack."

"Elves it is, then."

"Now that that's settled can we please let Major Carter finish her briefing?"

"Thank you, General. The…individuals appear to have technology approximating our Middle Ages. Note the weapons being carried…." Samantha droned for a short time longer, studiously avoiding the use of the e-word. "Any other questions, sir? Anybody?"

"Major Carter," the general asked, "is there any good reason to contact these people?"

"From any standpoint except sociological, I don't think so, sir."

George nodded. "Very well. We'll leave the elves be. But make a note about this in the database, and keep the QR program running. Just let me know if have any more interesting findings like this."

"Yes, sir! Teal'c?"

"Would it be possible to arrange a screening of The Lord of Rings movies within the SGC?"

"Meeting's over," Jack said. He was out of his chair and the conference room before anyone could object.

General Hammond shrugged. "Dismissed," he said resignedly.

Daniel mumbled quietly as he left the conference room. "Vedui', amin ier Daniel Jackson. Amin ier late- No, that's not right…."


A/N: This is a one-shot I came up with at lunch today and had to get it out of my head so I could keep working on Middle of Nowhere. As of right now I don't plan on updating with any kind of regularity, but we'll see what happens as the muse smacks me upside the head.

Oh, and I'm taking some artistic license with the timeline WRT the LoTR movies and SG-1.