Disclaimer: It's George's Sandbox, I'm simply destroying the sandcastles.

Title: Phantabulously Phat

Author: Jade_Max

Genre: Challenge, humor, ISSR

Summary: Even Mobsters need true love...

Notes: This is a fic for the 2008 Dare Challenge - not only was it fun, but I got to try my hand at a genre I don't normally attempt ;)


Teh Dare: Jabba the Hutt is on a dating show, and he must pick a winner from 3 bachelorette's.

Must include:

- a rancor on the loose

- a Yoda-ism (not spoken by Yoda)

- Jar Jar being chased by an angry mob of Jedi

- Jabba mush when he finds his one true love.

Must also include the words: (Note: required words are written in bold)

- anomalous (irregular)

- bobbles (to fumble)

- quango (A non-governmental body the board of which is appointed rather than elected )

- jiggerypokery (Underhand scheming or behavior )

Note: I apologize in advance for my horrible hutteese as I made it up as I went and couldn't find a dictionary for hutteese words... It doesn't mean anything - honest


Phantabulously Phat

"Welcome one and all to our next session of Do or Do not, there is no try!" The sound of applause, hoots and hollers echoed through the studio as the voice over announced the beginning of the program. "Please welcome your hosts, Anakin and Padmé Skywalker!"

Screams echoed through the theater as the handsome Jedi Knight stepped onto the stage, his lovely wife on his arm. They held up their hands, acknowledging the applause as it was their due. Anakin was all charm as he helped his wife into her seat before sitting himself next to her. "Well, Padmé, it appears it's time for another session of Do or Do not, there is no try."

"So it would seem," Padmé smiled, tilting her head at her husband. "And just who is our lucky bachelor wanting to try his hand at finding love today?"

"Well, my sweet, we have a surprise for our audience." Anakin flashed a brilliant smile as he said it. "Today our bachelor is an alien of enormous assets with a reputation for ruthlessness and depravity. His hobbies include long baths in slime, eating froggits and making slaves of the most beautiful women he can find!"

"Who could it be?"

"It couldn't be any other than the one, the only, Jabba the Hutt!"

Silence descended over the theater for a brief second before the applause sign flashed and the audience complied. The large Hutt slithered out from the side entrance, waving his stubby arms at the gathering, his booming voice filling the hall.

"Tocha nicha, Skywalker."

"It's good to see you too, Jabba." Anakin rose to his feet to meet the crime lord. "And are you in for a treat today! We have three lovely ladies who are just dying to-"

There was a shriek and then an explosion to one side and a familiar figure dashed onto stage, flinging himself at Anakin. "Mesa no do it, Ani! Help!"

Anakin ducked, barely avoiding the flailing Jar Jar Binks as he tripped and went sprawling. Bobbling the item in his arms, Jar Jar fell on his face and it squirted out, revealing Jedi Master Yoda's hover chair. Anakin side stepped as a hoard of Jedi came crashing through the entrance where Jar Jar had made his appearance. Obi-Wan Kenobi led the charge, spying Jar Jar and then pointed with his lightsaber. "There he is!"

"Let's get him!"

"No, Obi, no!" Jar Jar scrambled to his feet, scooping the hover chair close once more as he bolted away, "Mesa no wanna die!"

There was an angry roar from the Jedi as Jar Jar made to escape. The Jedi gave chase, leaping over Anakin and Jabba with impressive feats of the Force as they hi-tailed it after the Gungan. There was enthusiastic applause upon the Jedi's arrival and shouts of encouragement as they sped away. Anakin raised his hands for silence, but it took several long minutes before the cheering died away.

"As I was saying before such an anomalous interruption," Anakin turned back to Jabba, slinging his arm as far as it would go around the Hutt's massive shoulders, and turned him towards the questioning booth. "There are three to die for babes who have competed for the chance to be in the final three contestants for your hand!"

"Hustanko, mislowbe?"

Anakin laughed easily. "And so they should, my fine friend! And so they should! Now, without further ado - here's my as bold as she is beautiful wife Padmé to introduce our contestants."

Padmé had moved from her chair and was now standing next to the screening booths where the three ladies were being kept. "Flatterer. Well, Jabba, the ladies are as eager to speak with you, as you are with them. Our first contestant, Mystery lady number one, has this to say about herself. Number one?"

A sultry, slithery voice practically crawled from behind the curtain. "I like my males to be strong, powerful, rich and without fear. He must be adventurous in love, but a homebody in business, and willing to put me in my place when I misbehave. My interests include the musical styles of Max Rebo, shopping and exotic pet collections."

Jabba made a chuffing noise that sounded rude even as Padmé continued on. "Thank you, mystery lady number one. Mystery lady number two, what do you have to say about yourself to our eligible bachelor?"

The same voice echoed through the arena, giving no hints as to the different ladies by voice or inflection. "I want a mate with some meat on their body to help keep me warm at night. One that leaves me lots of room for exploration and invention. My mate must be the dominant type for I need a strong hand to keep me in line and a leash so I know my boundaries. My interests include watching gladiatorial fights, exotic dance and hiring bounty hunters for petty revenge."

Jabba's laughter boomed through the theater once more.

Padmé flashed a smile that was almost all teeth. "Thank you mystery lady number two. Alright, mystery lady number three, you're up! What do you have to tell our bachelor about yourself?"

"I'm the shy, solitary type who'd looking for a male who can show her a good time and help expand her horizons. I need a mate with a good sense of humor for the morbid and one who's not afraid to indulge in my eccentricities. I like long walks on the beach with my pet rancor Scuzzy and enjoy long baths in all sorts of warm liquids."

"Thank you, mystery lady number 3." Padmé turned to cast an adoring look at her husband. "There you have it, my handsome Jedi, our mystery ladies have introduced themselves!"

"Thank you, O love of my life!" Anakin squeezed the one shoulder he could reach around Jabba's fleshy back. "Well, my friend, you've been introduced, was there one in particular that has caught your attention?"

Jabba shook his head.

"There wasn't?" The crowd seemed to lean back in surprise, a collective gasp rising from dozens of throats at once. It was uncommon for a bachelor not to have a favorite after introductions. "Surely one stood out?"

"Podo."

Anakin chuckled. "Ah, very well my friend. Perhaps you have a question or two for these ladies to help get to know them better?"

Jabba patted the folds around his waist for a moment before lifting one of them. A slime encrusted data rod was pulled from the hiding spot and extended to Anakin. Anakin's composure faltered for a moment before he pulled a handkerchief from one pocket and accepted the data rod. Wiping it off, he inserted it into a nearby data reader with a flourish. Scenes flashed on the small screen as it checked the content for viewability and came up with a list of restricted files that couldn't be used on air.

Anakin's eyebrows rose. "Why Jabba, I didn't know you had such a fetish."

There was a collective laugh from the audience and a cry for Anakin to share what he was reading, but he simply held up his hand and shook his finger. "Ah ah, that is for Jabba and his would-be missus to know. Let's start at the top."

Anakin perused the questions and contents of the pad once more. There were only three questions that were viable for showing on air. The rest would need to be done in text. He ignored a sudden shriek behind him and the roar of a creature on the loose - he was utterly focused on the task at hand.

"Padmé, my love?"

"Yes, Ani?"

There were hoots and hollars among the shrieks, but Anakin ignored them. "Would you please ask your delightful friends what languages they are read and write in?"

Padmé inclined her head. "Alright ladies, your first question is this. What languages, other than basic, do you speak, read and write? Lady number one?"

"Hutteese, Rodian, Twi'lek and Wookie."

"Lady number two?"

"Hutteese, Tuskeneese, Talz, Binary and Mon Calamari."

"Lady number three?"

"I only speak Hutteese; I do not write it. I do however know all those already mentioned - and a few more."

"Could you give us some examples of what other languages you speak?"

There were several disjointed sounds from behind the curtain and Jabba laughed, spewing something back in the same language that the translators didn't catch - which was likely just as well. Anakin turned a disapproving look on Jabba. "This is a family show, thank you very much - we'll have none of that here!"

Jabba began to laugh and swatted Anakin on the back. His tiny little arms didn't so much as budge the young Jedi. Anakin turned back to his wife. "I do believe Jabba is ready for the answer to the next question, my dear."

"Of course, snookums." Padmé pulled up the datapad file Anakin was looking at. Her eyes widened as she took in some of the questions that she couldn't ask and her pallor turned slightly green. She took a deep breath, regaining a fraction of her normal color, and began. "Lady number one; how do you feel about jiggerypokery?"

There was silence broken only by the gurgling of someone drowning in their own blood and the crunch of bone. A contented whuff sounded from the stands, but all attention was focused on the question and the lady who needed to provide an answer. The silence stretched on for almost a minute before Padmé finally spoke again.

"I think that's our answer folks. Alright, lady number two?"

"Yes."

"Same question. How do you-"

"I know," the mystery lady cut off the hostess without missing a beat. "My answer to your question is yes, Lady Skywalker. Jiggerypokery is oh so much... fun."

Padmé blinked, looking down at the data screen and then back up. The sound of crunching bone was mixed in with the laughter of the audience. "Do you even know what jiggerypokery is, lady?"

"Of course - don't you?"

Padmé almost choked but instead pasted a false smile on her lips. "I just wanted to ensure you did. Now, Lady number three?"

"I haven't yet formed an opinion on it, Lady Skywalker. Not one has taken the time to instruct me properly. It's but one reason I'm here – I'm certain our bachelor is the best in that business."

Padmé blinked in surprise. "Oh! I see. Next question then. Lady number one, what is your idea of a fair business deal?"

"Fair?" The lady sounded puzzled. "I don't understand the meaning of this word."

"What is a deal that benefits both sides equally?"

"The one where the Hutt walks away with the credits."

"And lady two, same question."

The lady must have snorted for a funny sound came through the distorter. "There is no such thing as a fair deal. If both bargainers walk away with their lives, I suppose that is fair."

"Excellent. Lady number three?"

"Hutts don't deal in fairness, Lady Skywalker. Fair is not in their vocabulary and so, as such, any deal in which they gain some kind of profit is a fair deal."

"Are you generalizing, lady?"

"Of course not. The question is asked by his massiveness, is it not? As so must apply to the Hutt philosophy."

"Dicta nochi!" Jabba applauded, obviously impressed by the female's answer.

"Good answer indeed," Anakin extracted himself from the Hutt's side, discreetly sluicing the slime from his side as he did so. "Was there anything in particular you wished to ask any of the ladies that's not on your list - and is family friendly?"

Jabba shook his head. "Doschte. Destrim hec kailil noc."

"Lady number three," Anakin's voice echoed through the theater, drowning out the sudden screams and shrieks of individuals who were slowly being hunted, caught and eaten by the creature terrorizing the stands. "Lady number three, the mighty Jabba has stated he enjoys your intellect and he would be honored to have you as his consort! Do you accept?"

"Oh my, this is all so... so sudden."

Padmé giggled. "Now lady, why else did you think you were here? By quango? You have been chosen; stride forth boldly to meet your groom!"

Applause echoed through the area-like confines, scattered and unenthusiastic as the spectators were forced to duck for their lives. The veil was lifted, revealing a large hulk of a shadow that Jabba eagerly slid forward to meet. The shadow emerged, the illusion dispelling as it coalesced into...

"Mon Mothma?"

The demure young woman smiled, lifting her head to regard Jabba with shining eyes. "I never thought for a moment you'd pick me."

"Dota niska, jiban thurl."

Mon Mothma laughed. "You'll just have to fatten me up then." She extended her hand to Jabba, who took it in one of his own little ones, and then stepped closer. "I always did love a man with some meat on his bones and some slime on his lips."

Jabba shuddered as she ran light fingers across the slime darkened patch of skin under his lip. "Toka? Mikin kesky?"

"Oh, alright." She sighed, pouting prettily. "Scuzzy!"

The rancor - for that's what had been terrorizing the stands - made a whimpering sound in the back of its throat and looked up towards Mon Mothma.

"Heel."

The rancor made a low whining sound in its throat, like a plea for leniency.

"Now, Scuzzy."

The rancor's posture seemed to drop and its shoulder hunched as it slowly shuffled back towards where Mon Mothma and Jabba stood. It huffed mightily, indcating its displeasure, a dismembered corpse dangling from its claws as it settled to the ground like the scolded pet it was. The rancor was at its happiest when terrorizing people.

Neither Mon Mothma nor Jabba seemed to notice as Jabba ran one of his tiny hands over Mon Mothma's hair, fingering her coppery tresses. The Senator fairly preened under his touch, staring at the monstrous slug with something akin to adoration on her face. He said something too low for the microphones to catch and Mon Mothma responded with a laugh, throwing her head back as the sound echoed through the stands. She dropped light kiss on one monstrous lip and winked with a knowing smile. "If you think so, your monstrousness, I'm sure you can convince me to try it."

Anakin and Padmé stepped up to the new couple. "And that's it for tonight's edition of Do or Do not, there is no try! Thanks for watching and stay tuned for next week's edition when the Bounty Hunter Jango Fett joins us to see if he can find a woman who's one in a million!"

The cameras starts to roll away as Jabba takes the young Senator in his arms and his tongue begins to emerge from his mouth...

static

"Oh Jabba!"

"Ho ho ho ho ho!"

End Program


Author's Note: Okay, that was probably the most twisted, strangest thing I have ever written - and I enjoyed every minute of it! I don't know if I fulfilled all of the requirements, especially with regards to the Jabba Mush bit, but I did try. It was fun!

And no, I don't have anything against Mon - it was just too fun to make her a bad girl - lol!