Summary: With his new co-workers around, Ushio just isn't as comfortable in the workplace as he'd like to be.
Warnings: Mild language, vague mention of sexual things
Author's Note: So, to all those who read and enjoy my fics, sorry that I've been gone for literal month. Have some crack. I'm working on my other stuff, I promise _;
"Ushiooooo..." The voice from the next desk over was pleading. Ushio ignored it.
"Ushiooooooooo..." The pitch increased just enough to be grating. Ushio took another sip of his terrible office coffee and stubbornly kept his eyes on his newspaper.
"Ushiooooo, I'm gonna diiiieeeeee." Ushio huffed and finally turned to glare at his colleague, not that it had any effect; Crow was currently slumped over his desk, facedown in a pile of reports that he was supposed to be filling out.
"You're not going to die." He said, vaguely wishing that Mikage was here to back him up. Things were always unneccessarily nerve-wracking when he had to manage their department alone.
Crow just moaned pitifully, not lifting his face from the desktop. "Yeah I am. This is torture. Ya shouldn' be allowed to do this to an officer."
Ushio rolled his eyes. He should have been well-used to Crow's dramatics by now, but the redhead had caught him off guard by taking the job in the first place and hadn't stopped messing with him since. "We all have to do paperwork," He replied, trying to sound firm and failing. "If you didn't spend all your time whining, you could be done by now."
"Help me." Crow pleaded. "I can't finish it all by myself, an' I gotta get home an' cook dinner, an' Hikari's birthday is Sunday so I gotta plan for that-"
Ushio cut him off. "No. You make the arrest, you fill out the report. It's not even late afternoon, if you get started you'll be home with plenty of time."
"Is there a problem?" A deep, vaguely amused voice cut in, causing them both to jump.
"N-no! Not at all!" Ushio stammered, just barely resisting the urge to end with "sir!". That was the other thing that made supervising on his own so unsettling – Rex Godwin and his tendency to come out of absolutely fucking nowhere. It was enough to give a guy a heart attack.
In truth, Ushio had no idea why Godwin decided to hang around the Public Security headquarters so much. After the whole "Dark Signer Zombie Apocalypse" had blown over and the Dark Signers were decidedly not zombies anymore, Rex had officially stepped down from his position as Director. When pressed, he cited his health as the reason, but everyone who knew what had really gone on during the incident privately suspected that it was Rex just giving Yliaster one final "Fuck you" by leaving the position they had so neatly manipulated him into and taking on a much more subtle role in the city's management.
As Rudger had so eloquently put it, Rex had kicked Yliaster in the balls and calmly walked away, and was now simply standing in the corner, sipping wine and quietly flipping them off.
Speaking of the elder Godwin, Ushio had to wonder why Rex didn't spend more time sitting around and drinking with Rudger instead of prowling Public Security like he did. Rudger had inexplicably become drinking buddies with Yusei, of all people, and the two of them spent a fair amount of time getting shitfaced and drawing up plans for Momentum that should have never worked but always did.
Sometimes, Ushio got the feeling that Rex just liked to watch them squirm. Not that he'd ever say that to Rex's face. No matter how he tried not to be, Ushio was still intimidated by the former Director; everyone was, except of course Crow because Crow wouldn't know self-preservation if it set his desk on fire and spit in his face.
"There is too a problem!" Crow retorted. "I've gotta be home so my kids don' starve, an' Ushio's torturin' me with all this crap!" He slumped back down on the pile of papers and eyed Rex pitifully to make his point.
Ushio could have sworn that Godwin's mouth twitched into a smile for just an instant. "I'm very sorry to hear that." Rex said, not sounding sorry at all. "Perhaps you'll receive some divine intervention." With that, he stalked out the door and down the hall to do whatever the hell it was he did when he wasn't scaring years off his officers' lives.
Crow huffed and muttered into the surface of his desk. "High-and-mighty bastard, thinkin' he's so great just cuz he don' have paperwork." Ushio rolled his eyes again and tried to turn back to his paper. Of course, he didn't have any luck.
Because the mintue Rex's footsteps faded, Crow went right back to whining. "Ushioooooo, my back hurts from bendin' over to write."
Ushio snorted. "You don't have to bend over to write, you're barely tall enough to see over the desk."
"Ushioooooo, stop bein' mean to me an' help me here."
"Ushioooooo, 'm gonna sue ya for mistreatin' yer workers."
"Ushioooooo, I need a massage."
"Ushoooooo, I – Ooh!" Crow, for lack of a better word, squawked and then -dear god- trailed off into a moan. Genuinely afraid to turn and look, Ushio nevertheless swiveled his chair around and was promptly very, very confused.
Crow was still leaning over the desk and still making those ungodly noises, and standing behind him with his hands digging firmly into Crow's shoulders was Rex Godwin, and good god, I didn't even hear him coming this time, what the hell is going on, Mikage, help me.
Rex's expression never changed as he attacked the knots in Crow's shoulders and back, working at it for the better part of ten minutes before calmly moving back and adjusting his gloves.
"There," he said impassively, as though he'd simply handed Crow a stray paper rather than given him an unintentionally erotic-sounding massage. "Now quit complaining and get back to work." And he turned on his heel and left again, leaving Crow a boneless heap on the desk and Ushio staring after him.
Crow's garbled voice drifted over. "Ushio..."
"What." The newspaper lay crumpled and forgotten on the floor as Ushio pressed both hands against his face to try and block out the utter insanity that surrounded him.
"I think I just came."
Ushio promptly swallowed his pride and called Mikage for backup. No way in hell was he ever supervising on his own again. Not with those two nutjobs around.