Behind Closed Doors

King Arthur raised high his goblet. "To victory!"

"To Victory!" Cried out his noble knights.

"My friends and allies, again on the field of battle hast thou distinguished thyselves!" Said the young man. He was tiny, in body not more than fifteen summers, and the furred cloak and crown of his office were ill-fitting. Yet around that Round Table, not one man would deny that Arthur Pendragon was the greatest of knights and the noblest of kings.

The fine spread he laid out before them to celebrate their newest victory did not hurt, of course.

"Once again, the Saxon hordes have encroached upon our fair Britain, and once again, Camelot has stood strong 'gainst them! And no king could say that any finer knights hast e'er gone to war by his side!" The king proclaimed. "And tonight, thou shalt be rewarded! Eat, drink, and be merry!"

Gawain gave the king a knowing smirk. "And thee, majesty? Wilt thou join the feast? 'Twas your victory as well."

Arthur smiled, slightly. "Nay. I tire, and the queen has been too long without her husband."

"As it should be!" Sir Kay proclaimed. "Drink deep, boys! The king goes to a grander party than this!"

Arthur left the room, leaving the cheering and shouting of the drinking knights behind. As he walked, the smile left his face, and a bone-deep weariness found its way into his stride. The young man stepped heavily, but also with a certain delicacy. The king melted away, and the pride and dignity of Arthur dissolved to reveal a very, very tired Arturia.

The young maiden was strong, indeed. Stronger than any man her own age, and most who were older. But despite it all, going on the long march to war surrounded by her knights was ever exhaustion. She had not been entirely dishonest: she was very much looking forward to spending time alone with her queen, just not for the reason her knights assumed. Unlike the majority of her knights, Guinevere knew of her true gender, and so long as it was just the two of them, there was no need to hide. The ability to cast aside her armor and simplyrelax was beyond priceless.
She shrugged the ermine cape from her shoulders, nudging the door open. She heard motion in the room, so Guin was awake; as such, she didn't bother to be quiet. "Guinevere? I hope the beddings are prepared and cleaned, for sleep indeed beck...

"... ons?" Arturia said, one royal eye beginning to twitch at the sight which greeted her.

Her queen and supposed bride, Guinevere, was indeed in their chambers. As was her protector, Arturia's most skilled and powerful knight, Sir Lancelot. The two were close friends, and as such it was only natural that Lancelot should be her personal bodyguard and spend much of his time around her.

He should not, however, have been spending his time inside her, which is what he currently appeared to be doing with tremendous vigor, until the two nude (And yes, they were quitenude, to Arturia's displeasure) inhabitants of the room's fine bed noticed her and ceased their... activity.

"A-ah! My... my husband! Thou hast left the feast earlier than I had expected!" Guinevere said.

"Milord, 'tis good to see thee returned healthy from the field of battle!" Lancelot said. "Um... you may have noticed that the queen and I art in a state of indecency. Please believest my words when I claim 'tis not what it appears to be."

"Ah. Thy king wishes to hear yon words, then, my knight, that I might determine for mine self the truth of them." Arturia said, her eyes narrowing.

"Forsooth, yon good Sir Knight was... engaging in no actions that might be deemed inappropriate for a servant of the king!" Guinevere said hurriedly.

"Erm, Milady, perhaps the speech would be best left to..." Lancelot began, but it was far too late. Guinevere was trying to improvise, and as a court lady she was unused to such. She could really not use both her brain and her ears.

"Of course, Sir Lancelot 'twas merely instructing me in the finer points of wrestling!" She said.

God help her, she sounded so proud.

Arturia almost felt bad pointing this out, but... "And this instruction took place in the nude."

"... indeed, this might appear odd, but I am assured 'tis common!" Guinevere said.

"'Tis not."

"... mayhaps 'tis, and thou simply hast not heard of it. Mayhaps 'tis the new fashion of such things." Guinevere said.

God of Heaven and Earth, she believes this explanation to be clever
. Arturia thought sadly.'Tis like watching a squirrel attempting to don a hat.

"My queen...?" Lancelot said cautiously.

"Yes, sir knight?"

"Please... cease thy efforts to help."

"As thou wish." Guinevere said. Under her breath, she muttered, "I still feel 'twas apossibility..."

"Er... my liege?" Lancelot said.

Arturia sighed. "Proceed. Thy efforts might perhaps be vaguely amusing."

"Milord... in truth, the situation in which thou find us 'twas merely an... entanglement of cloth. I sought to show milady a... a..."

"Wrestling!" Guinevere suggested.

"Nay! The... engraving upon my new suit of war-plate. The armour 'twas newly completed, and of the finest make, I thought perhaps gazing upon it would... would lessen her loneliness for thee. However, in a moment of sheerest coincidence, milady's skirt did snag upon the mail, and..."

"And of course, thou had little choice but to remove the offending armour." Arturia purred.

"Aye, just so!"

"And also the queen's skirts."

"... Aye, and..."

"And all thine other garments, leaving thou both in a state of undress."

"For... for... untangling..."

"And then, once thou finished denuding thyselves," Arturia said, "Thou clearly must have tripped."


"And in so tripping, thou didst most certainly by accident plunge thy manhood repeatedly into the Queen."

"... ... he tripped with a great deal of force, milord." Guinevere said.

"Quite a great deal of force." Lancelot agreed.

Guinevere got a bit misty eyed. "So much force... that indeed, I felt my body might be rent asunder from the force of his..."

"Please do not elaborate." Arturia said.

"... thrusts." Guinevere finished.

"Did I not just beseech thee to not do that?" Arturia snapped, rubbing the bridge of her nose to fight off the growing pain in her head.

"I apologize, my liege. I was merely caught up in memories of... the... the... accident." Guinevere said, idly tracing a hand up and down Lancelot's chest. He stirred, but did not try overly hard to get away from her touch.

"... if the two of thee begin coupling again, there shall be repercussions." Arturia said.

"I... apologize... milord." Lancelot said, shifting uncomfortably. "'Tis merely that our previous... um... tripping, 'twas not yet complete, and..."

"... ... Sir Lancelot, art thou asking me for permission to drive thy manhood into mine wife?" Arturia asked in disbelief.

"... well, milord, whence thou put it like that, dost make me look a bit of a cad..." Lancelot muttered.

"Nay, thy actions mark thee as a great deal of cad." Arturia said.

"Well... in his defense, thou art not satisfying me as a man!" Guinevere said boldly. Granted, on her (and especially when she was wearing only a blanket), 'bold' looked a bit like a kitten trying to be fierce, but still.

"... I am not a man, Guinevere." Arturia said, after a long, pitying stare.

"... ... ... ... ... I was aware of this." Guinevere said, apparently trying to maintain her dignity. It worked about as well as the boldness.

"You were told when we married that I was not a man and certain sacrifices would be expected of thee."

"... ... ... ... ... also aware."

"So you perhaps should have, rather than skulking about behind my back, have approached me and sought my blessing that I might help thee keep thy activities a secret, and thusnever have to see this." Arturia said, very slowly so that Guinevere would understand all the big words.

Guinevere and Lancelot spent several seconds looking about uncomfortably.

"That... erm..." Guinevere said.

"That... perhaps would have been a wiser course of action, yes..." Lancelot said. "... but we... we, well..."

"Were not thinking?" Arturia asked dryly.

"... ... ... 'Twas going to say 'I tripped', but... perhaps thy words are a bit more accurate..." Lancelot said.

"Thou didst not trip at all, sir knight."

"... ... ... ... I did not."

"If thou would... please at least get out of my bed, that I might sleep? I am quite fatigued, and already I am delayed by my sudden need to change the beddings, that I might not have to sleep whilst rolling about in thy... fluids." Arturia muttered.

"Er... of course, your majesty." Lancelot said, gathering the blankets about his waist. He stopped, then, and Arturia could not help but notice with a certain amount of discomfort the bulge beneath the blankets. And then a larger amount of discomfort struck her when she noticed he was looking rather intently at her. "... ... ... unless... 'twould be perhaps more convenient for everyone if thou wouldst simply disrobe and join-"

"I shalt truly and most grievously stab thee if thou finish the idiot sentence thou currently spew from thy foolish, foolish mouth." Arturia growled.

"... sorry?"

"Sheathe yon flopping thing between thy legs, wrap the queen in a blanket, and leave." Arturia snarled.

Lancelot and Guinevere were not the sharpest swords in the armory, but when the King sounded like a bear about to attack, they understood that it was best to obey her.

Arturia sighed, and tromped over to her bed. Longingly, she looked down and sighed. It was so tempting to just drop down into it, armor and all, and simply pass out, but...

"... my bedding smells of adultery and idiocy." She grumbled, trudging off to find some spare blankets.

Author's Note: By this point, do I even have to say, "I have no idea what this is?"