Disclaimer: All Twilight-related material belongs to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: Hello! Another re-write adventure. This story is primarily in EPOV, but I'm sure we'll hear from Bella occasionally. Edward is a bit of a jerk and a potty-mouth, but he's also a closet sweet heart.
Picture this – you're a vampire. You're incredibly strong, super-fast, can read minds, and you're fuck-me-now-please hot. You're rich beyond belief, because you've been alive for hundreds of years. And of course, to top it all off – you're immortal.
Now tell me, how would you spend your immortality? Would you spend it driving around in a soccer mom Volo and attending high school repeatedly for all of eternity?
I doubt it.
But apparently, that's exactly how Ethan Collins, one of the main characters from the best-selling series Immortal Sun, spends his immortality.
Oh, I almost forgot – he's a vegetarian, too. He's a vegetarian because he only sucks the blood of animals, not humans. Get it? Vampire humor… how funny. Not.
"Jesus, this woman must have been high when she wrote this shit," I mutter as I chuck the book onto my glass coffee table, unwilling to spend anymore brain power on this damn book today.
Almost as if she has a sixth sense when it comes to me, my sister chooses that moment to walk into my living room. "Hey there Eddie boy, how's the book? Did you finish?"
I lean back into the soft cushions of my leather couch and throw my arm over my eyes, avoiding eye contact with Rosalie. "No, I didn't. My eyes are going to bleed if I have to read one more line of this nonsense." I sigh heavily. "I don't know if I can do this movie. I mean, I can't even get through a chapter without feeling the intense need to shove dirty needles in my eyeballs."
I sit up and meet Rosalie's glare. Great. She has her bitch brow cocked and ready to go. I'm in touch with my masculinity enough to admit that my big sister scares me sometimes. Her intense personality and bitchy sensibilities has helped me with my career, though; she's the best manager in town and has single-handedly catapulted my career.
"You listen to me, Edward Anthony Cullen…" she places her hands on her hips, getting into her "ruin Edward's day" stance. Here we go. "You better stop your goddamn complaining! This movie is going to blow up. There won't be a single soul in the world that doesn't know your name when this hits theaters; I can feel it in my bones." She sighs heavily and pinches the bridge of her nose. "Edward…" her voice is softer now, as she transforms from Rosalie McCarty, manager to the stars, back to my big sister. "Listen to me," she says as she sits down beside me. "After this movie… you'll never have to fight for a job again. You will have dozens of scripts thrown your way a day and you'll get to pick the project you want to work on. So, stop your bitching and get through that fucking book!"
I grimace and nod, knowing my fate is sealed. I have to read the fucking book. Ugh.
Rosalie smiles her movie star smile at me; I swear, she should be the actor of the family. "Okay. Don't forget, we're on set tomorrow morning at nine. You'll be auditioning with the potential female leads so they can determine who you have the most chemistry with. Be prepared, Edward. I want you to know that book inside and out. Try not to fuck up your entire future, all right?"
She stands and makes her way over to the door. "Oh," she says over his shoulder. "Do not fuck anyone, do not drink, and read every single line of the book. Or so help me God, Edward…"
"Yeah, yeah… I know, Rose. Don't worry."
"Love you, Eddie boy!"
"Uh huh, love you too."
Well… tomorrow should be fun. Fuck my life.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
"Fuck! All right! I'm coming!"
I drag my ass outta bed and stumble towards my front door. I rip the door open and am met with the stupid, goofy grin of my brother-in-law, Emmett.
"Morning Sunshine," he says, smiling so wide his dimples show.
"Fuck off, Emmett," I grumble as I leave him standing in my hallway.
"Come on, Eddie boy! It's eight am. Time to rise and shine! You have twenty minutes to make yourself presentable."
I give him the finger as I stomp my way to my bedroom. I slam the door when I get there, for good measure. I hear his laughter through the heavy door and I wonder for the fiftieth time why I ever hired him as my head of security.
Because he's your sister's husband and he needed a job.
I manage to take a shower and get dressed in under twenty minutes. My hair is a fucking mess, but it always is, and there's not much I can do about it. A girl once told me my hair looks like "sex hair;" like I just got done fucking some girl's brains out.
Unfortunately for me, my hair is a goddamn liar, because I didn't fuck anyone last night, thanks to my bitchy sister.
"Sunshine! Come on!"
Emmett is an annoying asshole… but he's a necessary asshole.
I got my first "big break" starring in a raunchy teen comedy. It was your typical nerdy boy gets hot and tries to lose his virginity before college scenario. It was unoriginal, but it was a job, and it paid me relatively well. Most importantly, it put my name out there, and caught the eye of the author of Immortal Sun, Samantha Byers, who is a producer on the movie.
With my newfound popularity came the huge crowds of women. At first, it was awesome. I had women throwing themselves at me. And then… it was scary. They would surround me and yank my hair, pull at my clothes, and attempt to grab the family jewels, if you know what I mean. I got a stalker or two, and then I realized I needed some type of protection. So… in stepped Emmett. My sister's new husband, who just so happened to be ex-military, and the rest is history.
"We're here, Sunshine."
Emmett's annoying voice pulls me out of my thoughts. "Stop calling me that," I grumble as I get out of the car.
He just laughs and ignores my comment. Asshole.
We make our way onto the lot and I'm immediately greeted by a personal assistant. "Hey," the young blonde purrs at me. "Is there anything I can get you?"
I don't miss the way she lingers on anything, so I smirk at her. "Hmm… maybe."
"Nah, we're fine. Thanks." Emmett interrupts the moment and drags me away from the girl.
I glare at him and he glares right back.
"Let's not lose this part before filming even starts, all right Sunshine?"
I see Tanya in the distance, so I free myself from Emmett's grip and wave at her.
"Edward, Darling! It's so nice to see you, handsome!" I'm wrapped up in a hug before I can even respond.
When I first met Tanya, I totally thought she wanted to fuck me, but I've come to find out, it's just her European way. She's touchy-feely about everything. I don't mind it much; she's sweet and it doesn't hurt that she's hot as hell. Plus, she's one of the most competent casting directors that I've worked with.
"Are you ready to start, Darling? We have five girls for you to audition with this morning and I'd like us to narrow it down by half by lunchtime."
"Sure. Let's get started."
A few minutes later, the first woman makes her way onto set. We're set up for the day in what will be Claire's bedroom, Elliot's human love interest in the film.
When I see her up close, I already know she's not right for the part. For one, she has blonde hair. Claire's hair is brown in the book. Technically, it's auburn – brown with shades of red. I know this because I read every damn line of the book and apparently, Elliot is obsessed with her hair.
I mean, I'm a guy, so I guess I could pop a chubbie if she was naked… but she's nothing special. And this role is a big deal.
"Hi Edward, I'm Lauren."
Oh, God. Her voice is incredibly nasally. Bye potential boner, I'll miss you. "Hi," I manage. "Nice to meet you."
Luckily, Tanya claps her hands and shouts, "Let's get started!"
The camera rolls and I immediately morph into my character. "Claire… stay very still. I just want to… try… one thing." I lean in to kiss her as she not so subtlety launches herself forward, closing the distance between us a little too quickly for my liking, and literally attacks my lips with her own.
Ugh. Dry, chapped lips. So not cool. And… wait… do I taste… Cheetos? What the fuck!
I pull back, effectively stopping the kiss. There's no way I'm sticking my tongue in there. I give Tanya the look – the 'I don't fucking think so' look.
Tanya smiles at me and then dismisses Lauren. "Thank you, Lauren. We'll let you know."
Lauren winks at me before she leaves and I scowl at her back as she leaves.
"I'll be right back," I excuse myself quickly and practically run to the bathroom. I grab my onset bag and silently thank my sister for her incredible ideas. She can be the world's biggest bitch, but, she's also a genius who always anticipates my needs. Like right now – I need a toothbrush and some minty toothpaste. I sigh in relief when I find both in my bag.
After brushing my teeth for what seems like an hour, I make my way back to the set.
Tanya wastes no time. "Next!"
I spend the next two hours being tortured. I've kissed unappealing and unprepared, actresses repeatedly; not to mention, none of them have been right for the part.
By the time the last girl is on her way in, I feel like I want to kill myself. I honestly can't suffer through another terrible make out session. My gums are sore as hell from the nonstop brushing. They're going to start bleeding soon, I'm sure of it.
As I hear the woman approach, I look up from my spot on the small twin bed.
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
This girl… no, this woman… oh my God.
My chest burns and I realize, with startling embarrassment, that I've forgotten to breathe.
My pants tighten uncomfortably as I close my eyes and remember to breathe. When I open my eyes again, I'm startled by how close she is to me. I take in her pale skin and chocolatey-brown eyes. Her eyes remind me of Hershey kisses. Fuck. Now I want to kiss her lips. I bet she doesn't taste like fucking Cheetos. I bet she tastes even better than chocolate. That train of thought makes me focus on her lips. They're light pink, no lipstick or that sticky lip gloss shit to be seen.
Her lips begin moving, but I don't hear anything. Huh. That's weird.
Her lips stop moving and I finally find some words to speak. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
Pay attention, Cullen, this is important! And boner, not now! Down boy!
Please don't have a nasally voice, please don't have a nasally voice, please don't have a nasally voice.
I swear, if this woman sounds like Marge Simpson…
She smiles at me, making my heart literally skip a beat. Shit. "I said… Hi. I'm Isabella Swan, but you can call me Bella."
Mmmm. Her voice is as beautiful as her face.
Boner, I totally understand. I can't control myself either. Just don't poke her buddy… at least not yet.