Disclaimer: All Twilight related materials belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: First fanfic. Let's go!
Let's say you're a vampire, alright? Yeah. You're a vampire. Incredibly strong. Amazingly fast. Fuck-me-now-please hot. Possibly rich from being alive for hundreds of fucking years. Yeah, that's you – immortal badass.
As this immortal badass, how would you spend your time? Would you spend your time repeating high school over and over again? Driving around in a silver fucking Volvo? By the way how is a Volvo sexy? Isn't that like, a soccer mom car? The No-Vulva-Volvo. Heh, I'm a clever motherfucker. But yeah; is that the kind of vamp you'd be?
Didn't think so.
But according to this stupid fucking book that I have to read in order to keep this part for the movie adaptation, that's what vampires do. They sit through high school as immortal virgins who are vegetarians because they eat animals…
Pfftt. I call bullshit. This woman must have been fucking high when she wrote this. I want whatever she was on.
"How's the book coming Eddie boy?"
I look up from my book to see the smug smile on my bitchy sister's face. Okay, so Rosalie isn't a bitch. Wait, I just lied to you. She's a royal fucking bitch, but she is my sister and also my manager. Her bitch attitude comes in handy when I need her to get me a good role, or more money, or some other thing that I want that they're not willing to give. That is – until they speak to my bitch of a sister. See what I'm sayin'?
"I think my eyes are going to bleed if I need to suffer through one more page of this shit." I rub my eyes for the fiftieth fucking time in the last hour alone. "Honestly Rose, I don't think I can do this movie. I mean, I can't even get through a chapter without wanting to stick dirty needles in my eyes."
Rosalie rolls her eyes at me and then levels me with her glare. Yes, she has a fucking signature glare. Yes, it fucking scares me.
Shut the fuck up.
"Listen to me, Edward Anthony Cullen."
Aw shit, she didn't just middle name me – she whole fucking named me. I cover the guys, you know – the jewels. Just in case.
"You better stop your fucking complaining. This movie is going to be the next huge thing. You're going to be its star, and when it's over and done with, you'll be getting any job you want. You won't be going to a ton of auditions, hoping to get the part. You will have dozens of scripts coming a day, and you'll get to pick which job you want. So stop your bitching and get through that fucking book!"
And, there's my bitch sister Rosalie. Pleasant, isn't she?
I just nod. 'Cause I don't wanna get junk punched, ya know? Don't look at me like I'm a fucking pussy. Have you ever been junk punched? Exactly.
"We have a meeting tomorrow morning at nine. You'll be auditioning with the potential female leads tomorrow so they can determine who you have the most chemistry with. Let's try to not fuck this up, hmm?"
God, I don't know how Emmett puts up with her shit. God bless that huge motherfucker.
"Alright Rose. I'll see you in the morning."
"Don't fuck anyone tonight, don't drink tonight, and finish that fucking book Edward or so help me God…"
"Love you too, sis."
I hear her mumble a goodbye before she shuts the front door of my loft.
Well tomorrow should be fucking fun...
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
Lifting my lazy ass out of bed I scramble to my door so whoever the asshole is behind it will stop ringing my fucking bell.
I open the door and immediately want to slam it shut instantly. I try. But like I said…Emmett's a big motherfucker.
"Morning sunshine," my stupid giant of a brother in law grins at me with his stupid fucking baby-looking dimples.
I'm not much of a morning person…
"Come on, Eddie boy, it's eight. You have twenty minutes to make yourself look…not dead. Go on, zombie dick, get ready."
I may have stuck my middle finger up as I walked away. I may have slammed my door. I think I may have even stomped my foot at some point.
I never said I was mature.
I mean, come on. I'm a twenty-four year old actor. How much maturity are you expecting? A lot? Well, then you're fucking stupid and that's not my problem.
I manage to take a shower and look somewhat presentable within twenty minutes. My hair looks like I just thoroughly fucked someone. Unfortunately my hair is a lying bastard. It just doesn't want to look presentable, ever.
"Let's go sunshine!"
"I'm coming Emmett, please don't speak."
It kind of sucks having your sister's husband as your head of security. But he's kind of necessary. You see, I got my "big break" when I starred in a raunchy teen comedy about a kid who was trying to lose his virginity before college. Typical. My character was a dork who hadn't kissed a girl and tried to throw a crazy party in order to fuck the girl of his dreams. Typical. I never said it was an original plot line. Don't look at me like that.
It was a job. They were going to pay me well. And I'd be famous.
Check. Check. Annnnd, check.
After the movie's success I started getting hounded by girls. I know what you're thinking. Girls chasing you down and wanting to fuck you – poor baby. Well yeah, it'd be awesome if they were all hot pieces of ass but they weren't. I'm talking cougars here guys. Like, as old as my mom wanting to fuck me.
"Sunshine, we're here."
Emmett's stupid voice pulls me out of my thoughts.
"Stop calling me sunshine," I grumble while he just laughs.
We make our way onto the set and are instantly greeted by someone's PA. "Hey, is there anything I can get you?" The blonde practically purrs at me.
I smirk, "Maybe."
What? She's hot.
"We're fine, thanks."
I glare at Emmett. He glares back.
Like I said, asshole.
"Edward, darling! So nice to see you handsome!" I'm wrapped in a hug before I can respond.
At first glance you might think Tanya wants to fuck me. But that's just Tanya. It's her European way, you know.
Kiss. Kiss. Hug. Hug.
All that fucking shit.
I don't mind it. She's one of the hottest casting directors I've ever seen.
What? She's hot. I'm a guy with a dick, sue me.
"Are you ready to get started darling? We have five girls to audition with this morning and I would like to narrow it down by lunch."
"Sure, Tanya. Let's get started."
The first girl makes her way into the room and comes into the bedroom set.
Ugh, no. Just…nah. She's okay looking I guess. I mean…I could probably pop a chub if she was naked but she isn't anything extraordinary.
"Hi Edward, I'm Lauren." Oh god. Nasal voice. Bye potential boner, I'll miss you.
"Let's get started!" Tanya claps her hands together and orders quiet on the set.
The camera rolls and I get into character. "Claire…stay very still, I just want to try…one thing."
I lean in to kiss her as she unattractively and unsubtly propels herself forward, closing the distance between us too quickly for my liking, right before her lips literally attack mine.
Ugh. Oh god, no.
Dry. Chapped. Lips.
Wait, do I taste…Cheetos? What the fuck?
I pull back and stop the kiss. There's no way I'm sticking my tongue in there. I give Tanya a small nod.
"Okay, thank you Lauren, we'll let you know."
I love how Tanya can dismiss someone in one sentence.
Lauren winks at me before she leaves.
"I'll be right back." I excuse myself and practically run to the bathroom. I grab my set bag and silently thank my sister. She's a bitch, but, a bitch who anticipates my needs. Which right now – consists of a toothbrush, andddd minty toothpaste. Yes! Hygiene is fun, guys.
After brushing my teeth for what seems like an hour, I make my way back onto set.
"Next!" Tanya yells and the door opens to bring out the next girl.
This goes on for the next two hours. I basically spent those two hours kissing unappealing, unattractive girls. Let's just say there was a lot of fucking brushing my teeth in between takes.
By the time the last girl is on her way in, I want to kill myself. I can't suffer through another terrible make out session. My gums are getting sore from the near incessant brushing. They'll start bleeding soon.
I hear the door open and look up from my spot on the bed.
Holy. Motherfucking. Shit.
I…uh…holy motherfucking shit!
The girl…no the woman…who just opened that fucking door. Oh my god.
I'm pretty much froze. Am I breathing? Shit.
Okay not breathing. Just making zombie noises? Alright then.
I don't know what the fuck that was.
Ow. Boner. Painful fucking boner. Glad to see you came back buddy.
Okay. Settle down. Close your eyes. Breathe.
Oh holy shit! Now she's right in front of me.
Brown, no, chocolate eyes.
Mmmm, Hershey kisses. Oh god kisses. I wanna kiss those lips.
Nom nom nom.
Pouty pink perfect lips. I bet they taste like chocolate. This has to be the most gorgeous face I've ever seen.
Oh, lips are moving. Huh. I don't hear anything.
"I'm sorry could you repeat that?"
Pay the fuck attention Cullen! Boner go away, not now boy! Down!
Please don't have a nasal voice. Please don't have a nasal voice. Pretty fucking please.
"I said hi, I'm Isabella Swan. But, you can call me Bella."
Mmmmm. Boner, I totally understand. I wouldn't be able to go away either.
Just don't poke her, buddy.
A/N: Easy boner, easy. Lol!