Disclaimer: I own none; all belong to Joss Whedon
Comments: Always welcomed!
Summary: Spike isn't in the fight against the first and Xander paid the price
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers for S.7 Dirty Girls
Beta'd by: Unbeta'd (all mistakes are on me)
Prompt #306 from Tamingthemuse- Redemption
Prompts: Kinda_Gay: Prompt #16. Need
Note: From now on most of my Tamingthemuse stories will be named as the challenge.
Spike hadn't been looking for redemption when he fought for his soul. He got it for a girl. He didn't realize that the soul would prefer Xander. It had convinced the demon that it was Xander they should be with. How they actually got Xander was still a mystery for them. Spike found happiness while the world was ending. And he wasn't helping in the fight.
He'd done enough fighting in his life good and bad, he'd had enough. So when a preacher came to Sunnydale with a message for Buffy that he had something of hers he didn't go. He didn't care, he couldn't. The soul saw no reason to fight. Like maybe if Spike didn't take part it didn't happen. So off went Buffy, Xander, Faith and a few potentials. Spike kissed Xander telling him to be careful. He should have gone with.
Everything was Spike's fault he knew that. He shouldn't have let the soul have complete control especially when the demon was needed. They needed him. Xander needed him and Spike had failed him. If Spike had gone with he could have protected Xander from the preacher. If he had gone they wouldn't be in the hospital right now.
Caleb that damn preacher went after his Xander! Spike should have been there protecting him. But now Xander was in the hospital blind. The doctors could do nothing to save his eyes because Caleb had completely destroyed them, and it was all Spike's fault.
"You're brooding," Xander accused. His voice was hoarse, probably from all the screaming he'd done. And it was all Spike's fault.
"You're awake," Spike breathed out a sigh of relief. "I'm so sorry. I should have been there."
Xander's hand reached out trying to find Spike's hand. He finally found it. "It's not. Spike, we all have choices. None of this is your responsibility. Hell, none of is my responsibility! It was my choice to get involved with killing demons and stopping the world from getting pulled into hell. I knew one day that I'd get hurt beyond a few broken bones. Fuck, I could be dead right now!"
"If I had been there this wouldn't have happened!" Spike argued. He wanted Xander to be made to hate him. He didn't deserve Xander being understanding.
"Do you honestly think that nothing would have happened? Spike, this guy is strong. He was able to take Buffy down!" Xander tried defending Spike.
Spike stood abruptly. "Damn it, Xan! Be mad at me! Tell me you want me to bugger off. Do something but don't make me the good guy in this!"
"Is this what this is? You want me to tell you I never want to see…" Xander stopped. He would never see Spike again. He'd never see his smile, or his gorgeous blue eyes or his amazing cheek bones. "You want me to tell you to fuck off so it makes it better for you? You don't have to be there for me? Is this what this is?" Xander asked starting to get mad. Spike didn't want to be with him anymore. And to make himself feel better he wanted Xander to be the one to end it. That was just awesome.
"What?" Spike asked now confused. "No! Bloody hell, I don't want to break up! I want to you blame me."
Xander shook his head. "I'm not playing that game, Spike. It was your decision to stay just like it was my decision to go." He was tired and sore and he was blind. "I need you, Spike. The world could be ending and I'm out of the game. My life has completely changed. What am I supposed to do?"
"I'll take care of you," Spike promised. He kissed the top of Xander's head. "I'm not leaving you. We'll get through this together. I'll help you anyway I can. Starting with saving the world."
"You're going to help?" Xander said. He understood when Spike said no, the soul was stopping him from any violence. Wanting him to be better.
Spike smiled softly. "It's where I should have been the entire time."
Spike's need to be good had outweighed what was needed to be done. But no more. The need to protect the world and the ones he cared about. He knew that now. Spike was done hiding behind the soul. Redeeming himself was all that mattered now. For Xander.