Summary: Deadpool, Destroyer of Fourth Walls, reads and responds to his own Wikipedia entry.
Disclaimer: I don't own Deadpool, and I don't own Wikipedia. I didn't even submit to the Wikipedia entry. But I am using it.
Click. Click, click, click.
It's 12:30 in the ante meridiem. Is that right? In the...or should it just be ante meridiem? I don't speak latin.
Google. D e a d p o o l.
About 10,800,000 results. Are you kidding me? That's gotta be some kind of a record. Wait a minute, though...
W o l v e r i n e.
71, 500, 000? That's gotta be a joke. Of course, I'm not named after an animal. All of those hits are nothing but Deadpool, baby. Back to the good stuff.
Deadpool (Wade Winston Wilson)...yadda, yadda, yadda. Get to the good stuff.
"A disfigured and mentally unstable mercenary, Deadpool originally appeared as a villain in an issue of New Mutants, and later in issues of X-Force."
Mentally unstable? I can't be blamed for how the writers depict me. And as for disfigured, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and not everyone's eyes work.
"Deadpool was ranked 182nd on Wizard magazine's list of the Top 200 Comic Book Characters of All Time ranked 45th on Empire magazine's list of The 50 Greatest Comic Book Characters, and placed 31st on IGN's list of the Top 100 Comic Book Heroes."
How do I change this thing, anyway? 182 out of 200 can't be right. But I'm humble, so I'll say I deserve 20 out of 200, 5 out of 50, and how about 7 out of 100? (Thought it was going to be 10 out of 100, right?)
Huh. I look damn good in that picture. They chose well.
"Deadpool's primary power is an accelerated healing factor, depicted by various artists and writers with varying levels of efficiency."
Boy howdy, you can say that again. I hope the writers read this page; you know who you are!
"This allows Deadpool to recover from any and all head wounds, and it renders him nearly invulnerable to psychic and telepathic powers, as the altered or damaged brain cells quickly regenerate to their original state. It is also the cause of his psychosis and mental instability."
I don't think "charming" is in the DSM as a psychosis. How does this whole peer editing thing work, anyway?
First thing's first...let's see what else this self-proclaimed expert wrote.
"However, his life span is extended to such a degree that he is still alive as Deadpool 800 years from the present as shown when the new X-Force encountered him in the future."
Woah, woah, woah! Spoilers! Of course, if I'm going to live to be 800, I guess I can work on this problem they mention about getting intoxicated. Difficult, maybe, but not impossible!
This Powers and Abilities section is the best! But, seriously, stop, stop, you're embarrassing me!
"Aside from his physical advantages, Deadpool is a superb assassin and mercenary, an expert in multiple forms of martial arts, an expert swordsman and marksman. It has also been discussed that, while his psychosis and dissociative identity disorder is a handicap, it is also one of his greatest attributes as it makes him an extremely unpredictable opponent."
Yes, I am. Dissociate Identity Disorder? I resent that!
And so do I!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Unpredictable is my middle name!
(Wade Winston Wilson)
I had it legally changed.
"The character's back-story has been presented as vague and subject to change... Whether or not his name was even Wade Wilson is subject to speculation...at one point the supervillain Loki claimed to be his father. Frequently, revelations are later retconned or ignored altogether, and in one issue, Deadpool himself joked that whether he is actually Wade Wilson depends on which writer the reader prefers."
So is it Dissociative Identity Disorder if the writers change their minds in every issue? Or is that just poor writing? You be the judge.
"Several alternate incarnations of Deadpool are introduced in the series Deadpool: Merc with a Mouth. Attempting to return Headpool to the Marvel Zombies universe, Deadpool encounters multiple versions of himself as they exist in other universes, including a female version of himself named Lady Deadpool, Major Wade Wilson, a militant but sane version of Deadpool, and The Deadpool Kid, a cowboy version of Deadpool who exists within a universe resembling the Wild West."
I guess it also makes me crazy if I say that I make a damn fine lookin' lady, then? Well if so, put a straight jacket on me! Yowza!
"In the twelve-issue series Deadpool Corps and prequel series Prelude to Deadpool Corps, Deadpool is joined by several alternate versions of himself from different universes to create a super-group."
Don't act like this isn't your wildest dream come true. It certainly was mine. Sniff, sniff.
"The first Superman/Batman annual published by DC comics features the appearance of an alternate reality version of Deathstroke the Terminator who bears the mannerisms of Deadpool, and his attempts to identify himself by name are continually interrupted violently."
This is what happens when the writers are dealing with their own dissociative whatever disorder. Deathstroke...psshhhhhh.
"A spin-off of X-Men Origins: Wolverine starring Deadpool is in development, and Reynolds is attached to reprise his role."
This is the best news I've heard all day! Week! No, year! I wonder how much I'll make in royalties? And that Ryan Reynolds guy is not bad to look at...
"In Marvel: Ultimate Alliance, Deadpool is a playable character from the beginning of the game with John Kassir reprising his speaking role from X-Men Legends II."
Have you played this game yet? It's amazing. I'm amazing.
And then...ah. Now it's boring. Last modified May 28, 2012? That's today! That can't be right.
External links, eh? IMDB, eh? Let's see if the writers have anything cooking over there. I can't believe they didn't tell me about this yet.
2014. Ryan Reynolds. Yeah, look at the mug. Good lookin' guy.
Now to fix this Wiki entry...