This story is a collaboration between myself and the incredible fourfeetelvn (previously known as Aerinn Gwen). Half credit definitely belongs to her. Many thanks also to HG4Eva for beta reading.

This story is not canon. The war had not taken place and the setting is seventh year with all of our favorite characters alive and present.

Gold. Pure gold.

"No, better than gold," thought Draco Malfoy. Gold he had in abundance but this... this was one of a kind. It was something truly... what was the word? Priceless, a concept he had not come across before. With an almost giddy excitement flowing through him, Draco turned the pages, delicately yet hurriedly, as he scanned the handwritten pages and diagrams that were worn and stained with overuse. At first glance, he thought of the journal as "ratty looking" but, after reading the first couple pages, he called it precious. Precious, unique, informative, and his alone.. well, at least until graduation. That was the only devastating issue that he could see; it was only his from the beginning of his seventh year until the end. Hoping again that he had simply read it wrong, he returned to the letter at the front of the book.

Randy Man's Playbook

Congratulations, dear bloke of loose morals, for you have just become the temporary owner of this most valuable and informative journal. It is my most prized possession and a secret legacy I leave behind for guys like yourself. Inside this book lie the secrets of perversion, a playbook as the title suggests. It holds everything from pick-up lines and ways to pleasure a woman, to potions and, my favorite, spells. In short, this book is the key to fulfilling your wildest fantasies. You can be sure that I have.


This book is for you and you alone! It appears in the floor boards under my old bed once every seven years, meaning that it only goes to the possession of a seventh year. The reason is simple, if word of these spells and potions got out, reputations would be destroyed and the spells and potions, once revealed to exist, would have counter spells and antidotes created for them. This book is exclusive and so the following rules and precautions have been put into place:

1. You tell no one about this book. If you do, it will vanish immediately.

2. Do not speak of anything that you learn from this book. If you do, it will vanish immediately. This means, if your mate asks you what a clitoris is, you wait until after graduation to answer.

3. Do not write about anything in this book. If you do, it will vanish immediately. Writing naughty words does not count, but if you try copying information or spells, the book will know.

4. If anyone looks upon its pages except for you, it will vanish immediately. I highly recommend locking the book with a signature spell that only you can unlock.

5. Upon your graduation day, this book will vanish and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. You will keep whatever knowledge you can retain by memory, but it will go into hiding for seven years, until the next randy seventh year stashes his naughty magazines beneath the floorboards under the bed.

And speaking of naughty magazines, you can stop looking for yours. They are gone for good. The reason, dear Slytherin, is that real life is so much more fun. Go see the sights, experience the lust, and conquer the females of Hogwarts. They won't know what hit them.

Best wishes,

Randy Man

One school year. That was it. Well, if he wanted to get through everything, he'd best get started. Draco's smirk grew into a mischievous grin as he began looking closer at each page. Where to begin?

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