(New Reader Friendly-Double awesome secret parallel universe fiction! Kind of a continuation of Where Does This Leave Us? Please Enjoy, I have fun with these! Reviews are awesome! And so are alerts!)
"No seriously Marshall, drive slower! It's not like my bladder isn't on the verge of exploding or anything! God damn it! I could kill you! If you don't wipe that goofy grin off of your face I'll-
"Pee on me?" he snickered, pressing on the gas pedal, using his right arm to defend himself from her clawing. This was no unusual occurrence; Marshall could now locate every rest stop in Albuquerque, unfortunately for Mary, although he felt obligated to find the nearest establishment with running water and indoor plumbing in the middle of nowhere, there wouldn't be any for miles at least. He hesitated to admit it as he caught the reflection of the engagement ring he had placed on her finger (about four months ago) off the dash of their Marshal issued vehicle.
It was quite possibly the most inconvenient time for nature to call, driving on what could possibly be the bumpiest road in New Mexico, the wind blowing dust at the windshield and not even a tree or hint of shrubbery in sight. Poor Mary. Marshall shook his head, pitying the woman in the passenger seat; he practically didn't have the heart to tell her she would yet again be squatting behind the SUV with a fistful of fast food napkins.
"I'm not even kidding Doofus, if you don't get me somewhere in like five minutes I'll find some way to convince Stan you're the reason this car smells like urine!"
"No, don't you 'Mare' me! I know what that means! I am not copping a squat near the tire of this car again nuh uh no freakin way, you find me a toilet right now! Right NOW!"
"You should have gone before we left!"
"I did! And I even had time to call Mark! Norah's fine, if you were wondering!" she added.
"Of course Norah's fine, she's with her father! Do you want me to pull over or not!"
Mary pouted for maybe twenty seconds, threatening to 'just pee' only once before she folded immediately after Marshall slowly unscrewed the cap of his water to gulp loudly at the liquid until his partner had to give in.
"Pull the God damn car over! But just remember Marshall, every time you make me pee in the desert, I strike one of your favorite names off of our baby list!"
"Sure sure!" he called as she slammed the door, but he couldn't help but smirk as she grumbled all the way around the car, he wiped the grime from the console, his ears twitching as her jeans made a loud unzipping noise and her boots squeaked obnoxiously as she lowered herself to the ground. He suddenly felt sympathetic, not that he hadn't before, but Mary's first choice of attire was first and foremost a pair of jeans and of course the signature Mary Shannon wife beater, but the pregnant Mary Shannon, fought tooth and nail each morning with leggings and maternity bottoms, never reaching her normal style, never being truly satisfied with her outfits. He felt silly as he shook the somewhat entertaining thought from his brain, knowing he would soon have to cross that bridge and it would just be another reason for her to pretend to resent him. He tapped his thumbs on the wheel of the car, peeking out the rearview accidentally, praying Mary hadn't caught him and get a chance to accuse him of having some sort of urine fetish to top off the supposed pregnancy one she had decided he had a short while ago. He found once his heart jumped back down into his chest and continued in a more steady rhythmic fashion she must not have seen him, or was too busy trying not to pee on her favorite trousers.
She came back around five long minutes after as Marshall just completed whistling the Star Wars theme song and had begun a tune of his own,
"You know, twenty three years ago, when my psycho bio teacher stood up in front of the class babbling about how much the uterus expands during the first trimester, she proceeded to go on to say, 'God couldn't possibly exist, because even a man wouldn't be stupid enough to put the bladder in such a close proximity to the ever expanding uterus' Now, that was coming from a woman who wore a cross around her neck and gabbed about her church benefits…"
"Your point?" Marshall raised his eyebrows, expecting a snarky conclusion to the story.
"I would love to say the hypocritical schizo had a point, but all it really proves is God most definitely doesn't have a vagina."
He chuckled, somewhat thrown by the lack of sarcasm or satire dripping from her tone, but mostly at the poor ending to what could have been a chart topper on the ongoing page of 'Mary's most snarkiest' list.
"Is this my Mary?" he questioned as the car jolted from park to drive and Marshall turned the wheel back toward the dirt road.
"What do you mean?" she asked, acting somewhat offended, snorting a bit as she picked at some dead skin on her fingernail.
"My Mary wouldn't let her plum sized womb get in the way of her spunk, my Mary would work through the relentless cries from her bladder and find some way to cope with the constant urge to relieve herself.." Even he wasn't quite sure if he was joking or not, her reaction would have to be his deciding factor.
"I think you have to remember who you're talking to doofus, take a good long look at me, because by next month the constant battle with spanks will begin, my toes will start to disappear from my sight, my ankles will swell up and throb to no end, sneezing will become one of the most painful endeavors of the day, walking across the room will be a chore, I'll always be sweaty no matter how high you crank up the AC, I'll be able to smell everything and I mean everything- that bottle of scope you're carrying will no longer be a match for the kind of scary, super lady senses I'll be stuck with. Got it sling blade? So if stopping every twenty minutes because the pregnant lady has to pee is a burden to you, I hate to tell you, but oh well! You got me into this mess Marshall, that thirty two weeks I was housing Norah was child's play for you, this is the real deal, whether you like it or not, this hormonal, cranky, in constant need of a rest stop Mary is who you'll be living and working with night and day for the next twenty eight weeks of your life. Get used to it." She crossed her arms, adamant as usual, looking straight ahead, into the distance from behind her aviators.
He looked over at his partner, her chest rose up and down slowly, but angrily. Her jaw so tight, it was obvious she was doing her best to hide that her bottom lip was in the beginning stages of quivering and if she had to say anything more before a reassuring statement from Marshall, tears would be falling.
"I wouldn't have it any other way." He smiled, amazed at how quickly her pouting ceased after that, pleased he handled that situation so well.
Twenty Eight more weeks of this? Would it be educational? Most definitely. Would it be worth it? No doubt. Would it be a cakewalk?- Absolutely not- after all, this was Mary he was talking about.
(What do you think?)